Wednesday, December 26, 2007
D: Merry X-mas everyone, get your plates ready for some egg nog cassarole.
V: Merry x-mas to you Johnny, and that smells great may I had. You know its great we can still celebrate the holidays together, even though we've all moved out into our own places.
T: And I've got a present for all of you bitches - O Tannen-bud, Jolly old St. Ni-chonic, that sticky evergreen pine leaves.
E: Evergreens don't have leaves, Turtle, they have needles.
Turtle finishes unwrapping several joints from a napkin he pulled out of his pocket. T: Whatever E, you want your x-mas present or not?
V: I'll accept your present, Turtle. How very thoughtful of you.
D: I'll smoke with you, Turtle. Just as soon a I finish my Fitness Made Simple workout.
E: Fitness Made Simple, by fitness celebrity John Basedow?
D: He's the one. Guy's workout is the best. He makes Chuck Norris' Total Body Workout look like dog shit.
E: Isn't Chuck Norris kind of an asshole in real life, too?
Turtle, after taking a big toke of a joint: True dat. Chuck Norris fact: huge fag.
The gang all laughs. Eric's phone rings.
E: Ari - whats the good word.
Ari slams the door of his black S class Mercedes carrying 2 iPhones and talking on a third.
A: Two words Eric, Summer's Eve, as in you need to wash out that god damn vagina of yours, I can smell you from here Eric, the tuna has spoiled.
E: Shut the fuck up Ari.
A: No, E, let me tell you has a friend: you need to start douching your vagina. People are starting to talk.
E: Oh yeah you fuckin prick? Well talk to me about Don Helmut. When are his checks to the Medellin funding coming in?
A: Dinner tonight - he's brining the checks, so for fucks sake, wash your fucking vagaina.
Ari hangs up at Eric and then gives the finger to some guy who rides by on a bike and nearly hits him.
Later on at the restaurant Vince and Eric walk and and Ari comes out to greet him.
A: Hurry up and sit down, I don't know how much longer Don is going to last.
Eric and Vince look at him quizzically. Then they notice in the background Don, chugging a magnum of Champagne, flanked by 3 beautiful prostitutes.
DH: Look how fast I can drink this Champagne you whores!
Eric, Vince and Ari sit down at the table cautiously.
E: So, Don, I heard you brought some checks with you?
DH, shouting: In a minute, Eric - If you haven't noticed, I'm kind of busy with these whores!!!
Don puts his face between one of the prostitutes clevage and shakes his back and forth. Then picks his head up and looks at Vince.
DH: Vince! Look at these tits!!! They're big enough to play telephone operator with!!!
Don grabs one boob of another prostitute and puts it next to his ear. Then he grab the other boob and begins sucking on and saying "Hello!? Hello?!"
DH: Gentlemen - A toast!!!
Ari: Sure Don, I'm as much for mixing business with pleasure as anyone but aren't you taking it easy these days?
DH: Easy? What the fuck do I have to take it easy for? I'm back on top baby! I AM THE CHAMPION! In fact, forget these weak french shit [Don tosses the bottle of champagne carelessly behind him] I didn't buy all this blow to not snort it!
V: We just don't want to see you over do it Don. We want to be able to make more movies with you after Medellin.
DH: Over do it? [Don picks his nose up from a mound full of cocaine he had just dumped all over one of the prostitute's ass]. How could I over do it? I'm the best! The world's fucking greatest of mankind!!!
E: No one is saying otherwise Don but is all this really necessary?
DH: DON HELMUT DOES WHAT DON HELMUT WANTS!!! [Don stands up and kicks his chair over] You know what I haven't done since last time I got this fucking gaked up? [Don pulls out a hand gun and loads a bullet. Everyone else freaks out]. That's right, it's didi mao time! I don't know why everyone calls it Russian Roulette. The only people I've ever seen do it are chinks and slopes!!!
A: Don - think about what you're doin babe. Put the gun down.
DH: Hey! He're to being number one!
Done puts the gun under neath his chin and pulls the trigger. The bullet blows his brains out the top of his skull and he collapses dead on the table, tipping it over and making a colossal mess.
E: Holy Shit
A [with one raised eyebrow]: I would have put my money on V.D. getting him first, but I gotta give him credit for style.
E: So what do we do now?
A: I think we all know what we have to do now. Vince is doing Thundercats.
V: Ari - how can you say something like that?
Ari just holds his palms up and stammers.
V: Ari -you know I want to do something meaningful in my career, and not the big box office schlock. It may not matter to you, but it matters to me. And you're supposed to know this Ari.
A: Yeah but Vince, baby, I'm your agent!
V: Not anymore Ari. You're fired. Come on Eric, lets go.
A dumbfounded Ari is left my Don Helmut's corpse and an equally shocked Eric follows Vince out of the restaurant.
Eric is now driving Vince home.
E: You know you really impressed me in there Vince. I didn't think you had that in you.
V: I liked Ari, Eric, I really did. But he just doesn't know what I want right now.
E: Which would be specifically?
V: You know Eric. I want to make some arty film for a couple months a year, then wander in and out of meaningless relationships as I sex up the beautiful women in hollywood, and then kick back and smoke a little bud. That's all I want really. To act a little and then bone all sorts of crazy hot ass and get high. Why can't Ari get that?
E: I don't know Vince, but I really wish I would finally accomplish some of my personal goals as well.
V: Yeah? You're not accomplishing you goals, Eric?
E: No, to be honest I'm not. All I want is to take care of my clients.
V: You mean client? It's still just me.
E: Right, but thats fine, all i need is you as a client. All I need to to manage your career. And have a girlfriend that walks all over me.
V: Wait, what was that last part?
E: You know, I just want a girlfriend to tell me what to do all the time. And kinda, not respect anything I do or say. And belittle my opinion. And then step on my balls after sex. But you know this.
V: Yeah, I did know this. Look Eric, you're my best friend, so I'm telling you this cause I love you, but you're a bitch.
V: It's true, you just want to be a little bith. You want to remove your cock and balls and replace them with a big sandy vagina. It's not that I'm ragging on you, it's just that you are the definition of a pussy.
E: Yeah, you know, you really all right. I should stop fighting it and just accept the fact that I'm a bitch. And you know, now that I have, it's not so bad.
V: Hey, some people are bitches, no big deal.
E: All right, all right, good talk, but we still have to worry about how we're getting money for Medellin now that Don Helmut is dead.
V: Eric, you worry to much, things will work out.
E: That's what you always say.
Vince and Eric get back to Vince's home where Drama and Turtle are over playing the video game Rock Band.
E: Have you guys been hear playing Rock Band the whole time.
T: No, we also hit the bong a little bit. Yo I'm baked like muffins yo!
V: Sounds better than our day.
T: What happens at dinner?
E: It was a disaster - Don Helmut died and now we have no funding for Medellin. Then Vince fired Ari.
D: I'm sorry bro. Things went better for me when I talked to my agent. Turns out my TV show has been going so well that I'm now able to get decent parts in real movies. Now I'm cmpletely content. My career is back to a respectable level. I can still get high and clown around with Turtle, and I have enough ridiculously gay outfits to keep me looking like a vain fruitcake for years. I really have everything I need.
T: Oh yeah, and Vince, I found something earlier today that I think you can use.
Turtle pulls a box up from next to the couch and opens it.
T: It's a box of money! I found it in the back yard. There's like, 150 million in there so that should cover your Medellin money and leave plenty left over for me to buy ass loads of weed and stupid colored Yankee hats.
E: Hey, Turtle! Great! And I found out I can be happy leading this miserable pathetic bitch of a life.
T: Thats great it suits you, bitch.
V: You know what, I'm going to call Ari back. Now that we've got money, I'll rehire him and give him another shot.
D: So we're all happy and nothing ever changes. That calls for a fucking X-mas toast. Lets break out the Cuervo!
Everyone toasts together: Merry fucking Xmas!!!!
D: And a totally sweet and awesome New Years, bros.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Loki: Mm. He's not very bright.
And I told him to lie face down and naked on his sleeping furs until I came and delivered him of child.
P: And he listened to you?
L: I was disguised as a wandering physician. And, as I said, he's-
P: Not very very bright?
So I fed him a gallon of castor oil, pained his arse blue and shoved a cork in his bum-hole.
L: Because it amused me to do so. I told him it was the cure of his condition. Then I went off to sleep with his wife.
P: Ho Hoh!
L: She wasn't much of a lay. But it amused me to know it would destroy him if he ever found out.
So Thor is lying down with a cork up his fundament for a week and a day, while his insides continue to rumble their course.
And now he's got a pain in his gut like you wouldn't believe, as the pressure continues to build...
I'd told him he might experience some pain. That it was common in pregnancy.
Suddenly, into the room, through the open window, boundsRatatosk, the squirrel who lives in the branches of the World Tree.
Ratatosk is curious as any little squirrel.
And he climbs on top of Thor's straining buttocks and he - pulls out the cork.
It's an explosion - eight days' worth of oiled shit thunders forth from the fundament of the Lord of Storms.
And the mighty Thor sits up, and looks around, and sees Ratatosk on the ground, stunned, glassed, befouled.
And slowly, with hands as big as ham hocks, he picks up the little animal, and stares at it.
And then, with one ponderous motion, he clasps it into his bosom.
"You're ugly," he says, "you're hairy and you're covered in shit. But you're mine, and I love you!"
Puck and Loki: Heehehehehehehehahahahehehahehehahe!
Happy holiday everyone. Except for the Braves. Specifically Larry Jones. I wish him an unmerry x-mas. A frigid, melancholic, disatrouous and painful xmas to you, Larry, you worthless piece of dogshit.
But merry xmas to everyone else.
So i'm crazy bored at work and will probably just leave soon because this entire neighborhood is a ghost town except for the for bums defecating all over the benches surrounding my office.
I'm so friggin bored that I actually looked up a bunch of old songs from summer camp and am singing them to myself right now. I am quite literally the only person in my office today.
Oh god work is so lonely.
Tho I did find this hilarious picture from something awful.
Haha, Albert Swerengen.
Anyway, for my xmas present, i would like Dave Magadan, Rory B. Bellows and Shea Stadium to post some more. Are you even still reading the blog? Hello? Guys?
As you can see, i removed Simon Adebisi from the rolls for lack of posting, (that experiment worked well) so clearly i mean business.
Ok im going to go shoplift for jesus. happy ramadan! And oh yeah, fuck dominick the fucking donkey.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Building a quality bullpen without committing multiple years to steroid abusers, are we now? Great fucking idea, Omar. Glad to see you decided to step up and act like a GM again.
I guess there is some concern about Wise falling apart last year after he crushed Pedro Lopez' (who?) face with a fast ball back in July, but I actually consider that a plus. This guy sounds like a bad ass to me. A real killer. We need more guys like Matt Wise and his insatiable lust for murder on this team.
Guys like BLOOD FEAST ISLAND MAN
That reminds me of a story.
So I was headed over to my speaking engagement at the local Junior League when I realized I was still carrying my boom box with me from the night before. It was a noon meeting and after tea I was due up. Instead of the lecture I prepared on Transcendentalist Allusions in 20th Century Sequential Art, I just broke out the boom box and started singing along. After each song I would turn up the music a little louder and bang my head a little harder - my boom box only contains the heaviest of metal. The audience was enthralled.
The ultimate track was also the loudest. It's chorus left no Junior Leaguer unmoistened.
For her lust, shell burn in hell
Her soul done, medium well
All through mass manual stimulation
I left the track on repeat and continued...
...until it truly was...
A HEAVY METAL LUNCHEON
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
AND HE WAS SO DUMB HE WROTE A THANK YOU NOTE TO HIS ILLEGAL DRUG DEALER ON HIS EMPLOYER'S STATIONARY.
There is so much more to this that you can find from better sources, but I just hope some certain Lo Duca apologists, whose names might rhyme with Att Ferrone, realize that this is just one more of many symptoms of horrible the stupidity that afflicts Big Pud. well Bowden, you may have fleeced Milledge from us, but you really fucked up on this one.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Moving on to the crap, it seems as though ChickSpeak is the gift that keeps on giving. Long time commenter and surly penguin, Rockyourface, was kind enough to share his own Reltionship Resume with us. Here's to hoping you "learn from the mistakes you made- or your partner made- in past relationships, and not drag them into the next loving connection," Rockyourface. I would also like to quickly add that Rockyourface left out the fact that he invented a new form of spooning with partner whose relationship was omitted from his resume. The move is called Ladling and is applicable when your ladle-partner resembles and weighs as much as Tony Siragusa.
Star Characteristics: Average Height, Average Length, Average Girth
University: Naughty America University
Degree: B.A. in Fart Hamology
Applicable Experience: 12 years using my right hand, Watched my dog hump another dog on my back porch while eating breakfast
Objective: A strong meaningful relationship with my soul-mate. My soul-mate being defined as anyone whose appearance accounts for less than 50% of my vomiting the next morning (booze accounting for the rest).
Sophomore Year - Junior Year: Dated Ms. Knocked-Up alot
- Innocent Rounds of Mini-Golf
- Holding hands at lunch
- Holding hands on weekends
- Dry-humping in mesh shorts
- Holding hands at lunch
- Holding hands on weekends
- Dry-humping any other time
- When she got preggers by another dude
- Hand jobs
- Her youthful vivaciousness
- Even more dry-humping
- Hand jobs
- Hand jobs
- Hand jobs, not leading to blow jobs
Freshman Year - Dance Floor Make Out with Don't Remember
- Making out
- Over the shirt boob feeling
- Taking her from my insane friend
- Look, I really don't remember it, alright?
- Don't judge me
- Someone else using their right hand
- She did not sleep in my bed
- Myself afterwards
- Anytime my wang touched anything for a week afterwards
Dated: Girl Who Wanted to Date me in High School
- She was out of my league
- She weighed less than me
- Soul-crushingly boring conversations
Monday, December 3, 2007
In any event, I'm still bummed about the exodus of Blastings Thrilledge and would like to digress a bit from baseball. Our tangent springs from this marvelous piece of advice. Below is our own Relationship Resume.
Star Characteristics: Powerful, Potent and Pungent
University: School is for nerds
Degree: Black Belt
Applicable Experience: Super-AIDs. Also my elbow once accidentally brushed up against a boob.
Objective: To be comfortable with myself and to learn from past relationships about what I want to achieve in future relationships. I hope to meet a woman that fills my needs, and I will then get to fill her.
High School: Dated Whatsherface
- sweet make out sessions
- playing tonsil hockey
- exploring her mouth with my mouth
- driving around in my Ford Mustang and making out
- when she dumped me for that other asshole
- her stupid face
- what a bitch
Freshman year: totally plowed Whatshername
- I swear to god I did
- you dont believe me? dude, everyone bone whatshername
- no it was that time after finals winter term, no one else was around
- whatever, I fucking did. fuck you.
- I know she did like, a thousand other guys, thats what I just said
- Do you think I care for one moment?
- You're just mad you never got a chance
- I was not a virgin!
- Eat shit
- Her living nearby
- Her coming over late at night
- Me never calling her any other time
- Only interacting while drunk
- Seeing her in class
- Seeing her at night before I had gotten drunk
- That time she got pissed just because I gave that sketchy townie all her tip money to go score drugs
- So I made a slight error in judgment, big deal
- Plus, what if he had come back with a bunch of drugs, that would've been sweet man, for sure
Every year since college: My annual birthday hooker
- The simple, uncluttered interface of the erotic services page on craigslist
- Cheaper than mail order brides
- It beats crying myself to sleep alone
- Angry pimps
- The painful reminder of failure
Well that was a great soul-plunging fun. So now I am supposed to get laid tonight, right? I hope so, I don't want to have to go through this again.
Friday, November 30, 2007
and got this:
and some other douche named Snyder or some shit.
Great. We got played by Jim fucking Bowden.
Good job Omar. You fucking Omar.
For real anal(raping)ysis see Klaw's take.
What? You don't have ESPN insider you penurious jerk? Here is a quote:
"[Scheider] is the definition of replacement level and paying him $10 million is bad enough. Giving up something of value to acquire that contract is horrible. It would be better to pay Johnny Estrada $3-4 million to be bad for one year than Schneider over $10 million to be worse for two years."
This could get ugly.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
E: Looks like last night was a success.
V: I would call it a success, yes.
E: Such a success that you'll ever call this girl again?
V: Cassandra? Hmmm... probably not.
V: Well what about your new girl, did you two have a success while I was gone?
E: You mean fuck her? I don't need to fuck Bethany for it to be a success, Vince.
V: That's my boy, E, without you, who would keep romance alive.
E: Certainly not you. But listen, we need to talk more about Thundercats.
V: Do we really? E, I just spent all day clearing my head, the last thing I want to do is cloud it up by discussing a movie about talking cats.
E: Well Ari has been driving me batshit calling about it. If you don't do Thundercats you need to do something.
V: You know what I want to do? Get Medellin distribution.
E: Allright, if I talk to Ari about Medellin will you at least read the Thundercats script.
V: Sure E, whatever you say.
E: Great, I'll call Ari as soon as we get back.
The scene shift to Drama and Turtle walking down a trendy Hollywood boulevard.
T: So you're going to make me get a rub and tug alone, Drama?
D: Sorry Turtle, now that I'm on a primetime network program I can't risk getting caught on camera coming out of one of those places.
T: Like anyone gives a shit who jerks you off.
D: Regardless Turtle, I'm getting my next piece of ass the old fashion way.
T: Fine, then comes with me to the bar and help me pick up chicks.
D: You really want to go to a singles bar, Turtle? Singles bars are so... desperate.
T: I am desperate, Drama!
D: God, you must be. All right, Turtle, I will do everything in my power to help you get laid tonight.
T: Thank you.
D: Nah, you know what bro, we're doing more than just taking some home some one night stand, we're going for the holy grail of hook ups.
T: Now you're talking.
D: Turtle, today, we will be having threesomes!
Turtle and Drama high five.
The action moves to Eric pacing the house waiting for Ari to answer.
A: Eric, what the fuck is up? And don't say your diminutive Irish prick, because Lloyd is already fully turgid, any more excitement and his going to ruin his new iMac that I just bought the whole office.
L: Ari, leave poor Eric alone!
E: I called to talk about Medellin, Ari.
A: Holy shit you must have read my mind, I was about to bring up Medellin. I though leprechauns just hoarded pots of gold at the end of rainbows, I didn't know they had ESP too. Have you been banging Miss Cleo, Eric?
E: Will you shut the fuck up and just say whatever is it is you've got to say about Medellin?
A: How about you and Vince get dressed up and meet me tonight at the new fancy Pan-Asian cuisine restaurant so you can meet our new bankroll.
E: We got funding or Medellin? That's great news.
A: Not just yet, E, that's what dinner is for, so don't ruin your appetite.
Ari hangs up and turns to Lloyd: All right Lloyd, get me those reservations. And not at the places you like to go, my leather pants and ball gag haven't come back from the try cleaners.
L: You are going to get yourself into a heap of trouble with that talk one of these days, Ari Gold.
A: Oh, Lloyd, this would be so less fun if you were black.
It is now later at night and Vince and Eric walk into the fancy restaurant to meet Vince, who is sitting with an older gentleman.
A: Boys, come here, I want to introduce you to the man of the hour, Mr. Don Helmut.
DH: Vince! I'm a huge fan!
V: Don, pleasure to meet you.
E: Hi Don, I'm Eric Murphy.
DH: Eric! Vince! Boys! Let me ask you, have you guys ever been down on your luck?
E: Well I wouldn't say we've had bad luck but we certainly went through pretty tough time while shooting this movie.
V: Of course it was all a labor of love.
DH: Well if you've ever been done before, let me tell you, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK ON TOP!
A: Hear, hear!
E: Does that mean you want to fund Medellin and give us distribution?
DH: Listen boys, I used to be the biggest swinging dick in all of Hollywood during the 70's and 80's. But then I hit a rough patch and fell on hard times. Lots of coke, lots of hookers, a few snuff films. It wasn't pretty. But NOW I'M BACK BABY. And I want you to be part of the winning team!
A: Don's back in business and all in with Medellin. So, I'd say we have ourselves a deal.
E: Uh, yeah, I think we got ourselves a deal.
DH: Vince, do you want to be back on top?
V: I'm all in too, Don.
DH: That's what I wanted to here, of course you want to be back on top. It's fucking great at the top. Now let me ask you this, who's better than us? WHO'S FUCKING BETTER THAN US?
A: No one Don, absolutely no one, thats who.
DH: HOLY SHIT IT FEELS GOOD TO BE NUMBER ONE!
Eric, Vince, Ari and Don Helmut all raise their glasses to toast being number one again.
We now join Turtle and Drama again, who are both at a hot singles bar talking to four hot babes.
D: That's right ladies, my network TV show just got picked up for a second season, so you're going to be seeing a lot more of me this coming year.
All the hot babes giggle.
T: And I'm Vincent Chase's right hand man. Which means I hang with Vince, I smoke weed with Vince, eat with Vince, rip bong hits with Vince, drive with Vince, burn dank nugs with Vince.
The babes all giggle some more.
Drama pulls Turtle aside and says: I think we got this in the bag, bro. What did I tell you?
T: Two for me and two for you. Nothing stopping us from reaching the holy grail of hook ups now.
But then, out of no where, Justin Timberlake walks into the bar.
All the babes scream: JT!!!!
JT steps in and slaps five with Drama and Turtle as he moves into the babes.
D: Yeah, Justin, how ya been? Haven't seen you since that MTV awards after party.
JT: Drama, how are you my man?
Drama pulls JT aside: Listen bro, me and my boy here were working a little threesome action each for our selves here. But seeing as you're also one of my bros, there's no need to get greedy, there's plenty of ladies to go around.
JT: Drama, come on, like I really need to have another threesome? Please.
Drama and Turtle relax as it no looks like there will be at least one babe for each of them.
JT: But what I'd really like to do is have a foursome. You, you, and you, come one, lets go bring sexy back.
Turtle and Drama see their hopes dashed as JT leads three of the hot babes aay leaving just one remaining. The babe, dejected that she didn't get picked by JT then looks at both Turtle and Drama and gives a 'whatever' smile.
T: Of all the friggin people to show up.
D: Can it Turtle, I told you we'd be having a threesome tonight so lets go.
Drama grabs the remaining babe's hand and motions to Turtle.
T: Again? Fine, just don't look me in the eyes this time, Drama.
D: I know how this works Turtle just stay cool.
Turtle rolls his eyes and says: Come on honey, lemme show you where Vince takes his dump.
He then says aside to Drama: I call the back this time.
D: You had the back last time, thats not fair!
T: Yeah but I called it.
And the two continue to argue as they exit the bar for their MMF threesome.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
I was going to give Big Pud a big "see you in hell' post on account of this news, but I've devoted enough of my time to that waste of sperm and egg. Instead I'd rather take the time to welcome and introduce our newest two headed backstop.
Yorvit Castro, meet Ramon Torrealba. Or what have you.
A lot of people will be moaning about this being another example of Omar and 'Los Mets' and that Lo Duca was the only one who showed any fire or passion last year and we're going to miss him this year. Well, people are stupid. There were not a lot of good options this off season at catcher. Lets looks at what could have gone wrong.
Sign Posada for $13/mil a year for 4 years, at the end of which Posada would be 41. Also give up our 1st round draft pick. May be one of those contract years will work in the Mets favor. Posada is not worth it the way Pedro was. Pass.
Trade what little prospect chips we have for Ramon Hernendez or Whats his name Paulino or someone else who sucks. Sorry, we need those prospects to at least try and make a run at an ace. Pass.
Sign Lo Duca for 2 years at, lets say $5mil each (just a wild guess, he made 6/year and did not have a *horrible* year coming off his contract). This, I'm gathering, is the most popular alternative. Great, you want to pay Lo Duca for his declining years. HE IS THIRTY EFFING FIVE. That is not the red zone for catchers, that is the dead zone. Look up all the productive 36+ catchers. Go ahead. Lets see what we got, Carlton Fisk and uh... uh... 1 year of Posada? Yup, thats it. Lo Duca's OPS+ was 80 last year. Guess which way its headed. Oh plus he can't play defense worth squat anymore, and last time I checked, that was a pretty important part of being a catcher (unless your last name is Piazza). And for the sake of brevity, I will skip the personality stuff. Needless to say, PASS.
That bring us to Yorstro Castroalba. Castroalba will cost at most $7mil a year for two years. Yes, Yorvit Torrealba had a crappy batting average away from Coors last year. But he is 28 and his career OPS+ is 80 (hmm.. where have I seen that number before?). OPS+ takes park affects into account. He also, shoulder problems this year aside, plays nasty defense. Yorvit is going to be a weak hitting (but not that weak, get over his low batting average) defensive stud. We have not had a good fielding catcher in a looooong time. I am looking forward to it. Castro has incredible power and for only being $4mil for 2 years, is a bargain. And his bad back will be mitigated by his role as a back up.
OK, this is not perfect situation. Yorvit's contract looks way to big, both players have weaknesses, neither player bangs 19 year old babysitters or have gambling addictions, etc etc, but still, I'll take it. I'll take it and ride with it all the way to the vicinity of Betelgeuse.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
D: Dig in boys, I made a Chase family specialty this morning: Celebration eggs!
Turtle: What the fuck are you celebrating, Drama? That retarded T-Shirt you're wearing?
D: Laugh all you want Turtle, Viking Quest just got optioned for a new 're-imaging' of the series by the Sci-Fi Channel, and guess who's getting paid dividends.
D: That's great Drama, now a whole new generation of pathetic geeks will be yelling "Victory!" while playing World of Warcraft in their parent's basement.
Vince: Hey, I'm proud of you big bro, and I have some more good news that deserves celebrating.
Eric: You found some new investors for Medeillen?
V: No, don't worry about Medeillen, E, this is even better -Queens Boulevard's DVD numbers just came in, and guess who's going to make enough for us all to move out of Beverly Hills? No offense, Johnny.
D: None taken, Vince, frankly I was about to say something. You guys are starting to cramp my style.
T: Whatsamatter, Drama? Not enough privacy to jerk off 3 times a day anymore?
E: Anyway, that's great, Vince. So no more money problems?
V: Nope, no more problems. We're really back.
T: Can I get a sweet bros, cheer?
All together with raises glasses of orange juice: We're sweet bros!!!
Scene cuts to Eric driving around in his car.
E: Hey Ari, it's Eric.
A: E, how's my favorite oompa loompa? Toss any pizza dough in the magic lollipop kingdom? Lloyd! I said toss any pizza dough, not toss any salad, get your hard-on under control, you're about to explode through your Isaac Mizrahi Target Brand leather pants.
L: Ari! Do not tell E about my raging boner, he's one of the good ones!
A: Eric, Lloyd wants you to know that he is approaching the point of ejaculatory inevitability.
E: That's great, Ari, look Vince is in a good mood right now and I think now is a good time to get him to sign on to a blockbuster type. You got any scripts in mind?
A: What, is he all pumped up from the QB DVD scratch coming his way?
E: Yeah, he is, you know about that all ready?
A: Of course I know about that, Eric, you stupid faggot.
L: Ari Gold!
A: Sorry, Lloyd!
E: Look Ari, You got anything or not.
A: Eric, please, of course I have the perfect script. I am the Master of all Scripts you little yeast infection. Ready for this: Thundercats, the Movie.
E: What, the kid's cartoon?
A: You bet your your sweet Cheetara licking ass, its Thundercats fucking ho, baby! You think Transformers the movie was a fluke? All those nerds who grew up in the 80's now have big bucks to spend on their childhood memories, only now they don't want some 2-bit cartoon animated by some Korean sweat shop, they want to see live action summer blockbusters that have multi-million dollar sponsorships from Chevrolet and Kibbles and Bits and whoever the fuck else the studios shake down. And those blockbusters make enough cash to keep Shia Le Bouf knee deep in underage pink for years.
E: OK, I'm sold, but do you think Vince will want to do a live-action cartoon?
A: That's not my job, limp dick, that's yours, now get it done.
Eric hangs up and the action cuts to Turtle and and Drama walking through a Best Buy.
D: OK Turtle, explain to me what we're doing here?
T: Calm down, Drama, I got a connection.
D: When you say connection, don't you just mean you figured out another way to scam some poor soul into giving you free stuff because you're associated with Vince?
T: Yeah, so?
D: So who is paying you this time?
T: All I have to do is say I'm going to get a picture of Vince holding this toy plastic guitar, and we get hooked up with an XBox 360, Guitar Hero III and a $500 gift certificate.
D: So Best Buy and Guitar Hero are giving you money? You are a cheap corporate whore, Turtle.
T: I'll suck the corporate teat all day, baby. Or once a week, anyway.
The scene shifts to Eric and Vince discussing the next movie at lunch.
V: I don't why see why you want to do another movie right now, E, I told you, we have plenty of money.
E: That doesn't mean you have to stop making movies completely, Vince. Now did you read the script, Ari gave us?
V: Yeah I read it, Lionel fights the evil Skeletor and saves the day.
E: Skeletor was He-Man, Vince. You didn't read it did you?
V: Allright, Eric, you got me, I didn't read it. I'm a little distracted, OK, I have a date with Sabrina tonight and I don't want anything keeping me from reaching my sexual peak.
E: Don't you mean you have a date with Christie?
Vince thinks. V: Yeah I guess I did. Well I like Christie better anyway. She's more sensual.
E: Jeez, Vince, you're just constantly having so much sex with so many fine women. You can't even keep all the different hot women who you are about to have sex with straight.
Vince chuckles. V: Yeah, I guess you're right. I am always having crazy mind-blowing passionate sex with different hot pieces of ass all the god damn time.
Scene cuts back to Drama's apartment where all the gang are rocking out to Guitar Hero like rock gods.
D: So bro, you bang that hot piece of ass?
Vince takes a huge bong hit, then answers he exhales. V: Yes Johnny, I did.
T: E, I know you didn't have sex last night. Even if you did have a girl all you'd do is cuddle like a little bitch, you fucking little bitch.
E: Fuck you bitch. I'm not a bitch. You're a bitch. All you do with your bitch ass self is jerk off like a bitch. Bitch. You bitch.
Drama finishes a sweet guitar solo. D: Hey, bros, calm done. You're going to be moving out soon and I think we all need to smoke some more bud and realize how sweet we are.
T: I'll fuckin smoke to that!
Everyone together: SWEEEEEEEET BROOOOOS!!!!!!!
End episode 1
Friday, November 9, 2007
I was thinking Tadihito Iguchi would be a good underrated guy to sign instead of overrated and kind of sucky Luis Castillo, but it turns out Iguchi sucks too. I was also thinking Michael Barrett would be a good idea since we could 'buy low', but really, buying the 40 OPS+ that he hit during his last 44 games with the Padres is pretty fucking low. I mean we might as well bring Big Pud back for that. No - nevermind - fuck Lo Duca. Alou will be in hell, writing his name in the snow, before I endorse that dickwad.
Of course there are plenty of trade rumors that I could weigh in on, but really, whats the point? No one knows shit right now, and if they did it would mean Omar has too many loose lips and isn't doing his job. If we can swing a deal, great, if not, fuck it. We got lucky in 2006 when Valentin and the Pudster had flukely good years, and when got unlucky in 2007 when those two played like they normally do.
It's a long off season and I'm not going to get all worked up about it now. No, in fact, I've got much bigger fish to fry, mainly, the current writers strike going on in Hollywood. That shit is really gnawing at my soul right now. I mean, what if the strike affects the new season of Entourage. WHAT IF I CAN'T WATCH THAT MAGICAL 30 MINUTES OF ECSTASY THAT SENDS ME INTO A WORLD OF HOLLYWOOD MIRTH AND FAG JOKES!?!?!?!
I'd fucking die, thats what. I can't let that happen. I WON'T let that happen. I will write the scripts myself if I have to, every god damn syllable of that hip and trendy dialog. Sorry Metsies, I can't let Vinnie and my boys down. You'll have to take a back seat for the rest of the off season. For the great good of mankind - Entourage must go on.
More to cum. (HAHAHA LOL That is what Vince would say because he is always either talking about sex or having sex, because he is a rabid sexual maniac, and cum and come are homophones. Wait - ew! Homos! Hah, they would say that too because Ari and Vinnie and his pals are always cracking wise about the gays! Holy shit that is gold. You know, like ARI GOLD?!? haHAH! Fuck my tits this is going to be fun!)
Monday, November 5, 2007
Then this asshole showed up and I punched him into oblivion:
And then I found these fly honies and I pollinated their berry bushes:
No, yes, no, yes. Haha, just kidding, I would do all of them and a whole lot worse.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Wow, A-Rod mania has already set in and its not even Novemeber. In fact, it's halloween, which is as good as an excuse as any post an EXCLUSIVE GMDB picture of A-Rod in an Optimus Prime costume. Well that and any mention of A-Rod will drive up internet traffic. It's true, even on this piece of shit. We still get hits from people googling for that Joslyn Morse man-woman we posted about months ago. That should be our motto: GMDB - come for the she-males, stay for the piss jokes.
My best halloween costume (since no one asked)? I wore a hospital gown and a wig. But also I had a naked baby doll attached to my waist with a fake umbilical cord and blood splattered all over myself and the baby. It's not an abortion! It's a celebration of life, dammit!!!
Monday, October 29, 2007
-Boston has one of the smallest and unimportant metro areas vis-a-vis other American cities.
-Their food fucking blows. Seriously, chowder. fucking white-n-wet poo poo chowder.
-The city lies in a region known as New England. Didn't fight two wars to break away from them.
-Stupid fucking assholes cannot pronouce their "R's"
Moreover, DC Chaz Waggle says that the waters there aren't nearly cold enough to keep him comfortable!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Actually this isn't Paul Lo Duca's costume, this is a view into my crystal ball that can see 5 months into the future when The Duke is an unemployed homeless bum because no one wants to sign his stupid ass to whine and moan and hit 87 OPS+ for the year like a stupid jack ass and he has also blown all of his money on horsies and 19 year old prostitutes so now he lives on the street and east rat burgers for dinner like the rebels from Demolition Man that elected Dennis Leary as their leader because they are all stupid morons just like Paul Big Fat Fucking Pud Lo Duca.
Judging from this tremendous article from HBT, however, the Mets are in all likelihood screwed at catcher next year no matter what they do. No good free agents and nothing on the farm. So trade for a Ramon Hernandez? Eh, considering everybody who doesn't employ Russell Martin or Brian McCann will be screwed in the NL as well, I'd say just go with Castro and figure something out later. We won't be at a huge disadvantage and then we can at least say we gave Castro a legit shot.
Just as long as that stupid asshole isn't back, that stupid jerk of a scumbag.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Quoth Goldman: "Gomez is a pinch-runner. He's never going to hit well enough to play despite the fact that his legs make him capable of making the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs."
To which I replied: "But can he bulls-eye a womp rat back home in his T-16?"
That reminds me of the time I was chatting it up with some Storm Trooper.
Haha! What fun!
So anybody else notice what a fucking moron Tim McCarver is? Yes, many people. What a fucking nincompoop! Why, he's a regular Jar Jar Binks!
Monday, October 15, 2007
In other news that we are later to getting to than Bridget Moynahan's period after she got dumped by Tom Brady (even the jokes are old, LOL), Dusty Baker is the new Reds manager. This is good news for two reasons. 1) no longer having to listen to baker's stupid blather during Baseball Tonight and 2) if the Reds' front office is stupid enough to hire Baker maybe they are also stupid enough not to pick up Adam's Dunn $13m club option for '08.
Is Dunn a perfect fit for the Mets? No. Can he fucking mash? Yes. If you can get him, do it. Figure out the details later. The only draw back to getting Dunn is it makes Alou expandable and that means less urine jokes. Looks like someone else had better step it up start pissing themselves.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
I do not want to see this miserable little jagov near the Mets next year. If Omar signs him I will heckle him every game. I do not care if he will be wearing a Mets uniform. This is where I draw the line.
Oh but he can hit in the 2 hole and has grit and hustle and blah blah fucking blah.
FUCK YOU AND THE FUCKING 2 HOLE.
the second spot in the line up is not some excuse to put your shittiest hitter high up in the line to reward him for sprinting to first after walks. FUCK THAT SHIT.
Obligatory FJM link because they crush tiny stupid asshole eckstein way better than even I, the insult master.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Paul Lo Duca has gone on the record and stated that he wants to resign with the Mets and remain their starting catcher in 2008. Big Pud recently had a conversation with Mets GM Omar Minaya about the possibility of returning and GMDB has the exclusive transcript of that dialog.
Omar Minya: Hello Paul.
Big Pud: Hello Omar.
BP: Thats right.
BP: Because I represent all the great qualities in a man that Mets fans admire.
BP: I'm a native Brooklynite for one.
OM: Well you were born in Brooklyn, but didn't you grow up and go to college in
BP: Well, sure I moved to
BP: I love horses.
BP: More like 4th grade.
BP: I love the
BP: Thats right, I'm banging playmates and teen hottties! Who wouldn't want that life?
BP: I never strike out. Can't strike out PLD, like ever! I only make 'productive' outs!
BP: Sorry, I didn't realize you were looking for a computer to play catcher for you. Look, I've got grit and hustle and VERVE! What do you think wins championships?
BP: Fine, you want me to use my trump card, well how about this: I'm ITALIAN.
BP: I have no idea what you're saying, man.
BP: But Omar! What will I do? Where will I go? Who will give me a job?
Our GMDB exclusive doesn't end there. We recently sat down with PLD ourselves and got his thoughts about a number of topics. His provocative and perhaps controversial responses can be found below.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Good luck Rollins, you piece of shit. I hope you fall into a pit of lava on your way home. Drown in piss and die.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
If only Dynamo would get his cavity out of Nats territory and back up here to Sheaville, maybe we'd pull this one out with slightly less drama. What kind of northerner who doesn't work in the politico lives in the vicinity of the District?
I guess I am really just jealous. I would like to round up 75 fuck ups, go to philly and piss everyone off by acting like dipshits. Unfortunately no in philly would notice.
Whats amazing is that even more pathetic sports fans out there exist.
I am stunned.
Monday, September 24, 2007
I've circled the morons for clarity but because I took the picture on my shitty shitty camera phone its tough to make out what a debacle these clowns were causing. Lots of cursing, middle fingers, stupid Rollins M-V-P chants and what not. The very bottom of Philadelphian society on display in our nations capital.
Not that I have a problem with heckling or being a drunk dickhead at a baseball game. But 1) fuck Philadelphia and 2) it was poor form. They were basically taking advantage of the pathetic crowds the Nationals draw. Not that Shea is a particularly intimidating stadium but you really couldn't get away with that shit anywhere else. Maybe in Florida, but then these slobs would have had to sell their time shares in Wildwood, NJ for airfare.
And I'm also bitter that I was too big of a pussy to pretend to be a Philly fan and get pictures with the the whole clan, especially the shirtless, stomach tatoo'd ringleader who probably has the most depressing life of anyone I've ever had the chance to meet. Oh well, I can still find plenty of slapdicks who spend 40% of their monthly income on sports jersey at Redskins games.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
That's great Pedro, I need to think about you getting hurt right now like I need a prostate exam from a crab person. Well thanks but no thanks Petey, I'd rather think about you riding around on a motorcycle killing the dick out of anything that gets in your way with a pump action smith & wesson.
I wrote this over on Avenue on how else I am coping. I love Amazin Avenue, especially how you can write whatever you want on the side and it looks like you're part of a legit mets blog, as opposed to this turd.
Anyway, screw Pedro's Arnold quote, this one is way awesomer: "It is as satisfying to me as coming is — you know, as having sex with a woman and coming. So can you believe how much I am in heaven? I am, like, getting the feeling of coming in the gym. I'm getting the feeling of coming at home. I'm getting the feeling of coming backstage when I pump up. When I pose out in front of 5,000 people I get the same feeling. So I'm coming day and night."
Friday, September 14, 2007
Obviously, Atlanta remains my P.E. #1. But should current trends continue, might they be knocked of their perch atop my pillar of scorn? Not likely. At least not for a while. So does that mean that i can't get pumped up for the the upcoming series and the chance to bury Phillies and send their Divisional Championship aspiration directly to hell?
J-Roll, Burrell et al can eat shit and die. If I had artistic talent beyond the realm of MS Paint I would create works of art like my man Sal Iovine all god damn day.
Look at that masterpiece. The man is a genius. If I had art in my house it would like this. Not some Ansel Adams photograph of snow on a tree or whatever. What do you want to see in your house when you come home, some fucking Yak hanging out by a waterfall or this:
I hope Wilpon is commissioning this virtuoso to paint some murals in the new CitiField, I truly do.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
That's Mega Man in the picture for # eight, though you may know him as Rockman. The dude is dressed up because he's at a concert called Video Games Live, where a symphony orchestra plays a bunch of music from video games. Funny story behind the picture: I saw that guy in costume when I caught the Video Games Live show at the Kennedy Center. You don't think that's funny? Try telling someone you saw a symphony of video game music with Mega Man. They will laugh in your face. Trust me.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
So suck it, Braves.
Also I don't know about you but I can't hear the words 'final countdown' without thinking about GOB.
Monday, September 10, 2007
OK - so this is going to be the second terrible post in a row, apologies. Long weekend and whatever and shit. And I promise not to turn this into a half Giants blog either but I couldn't help myself this time and besides I am not the only one doing it.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Killer Bees. Weak.
here are the only Killa Beez I'll recognize.
This is what Ghostface Killah had to say about the Mets v Stros :
Hey fool you ready for another beating
You should have never came back
Look here man after I crucify him, you next!
And you better have a good doctor to rearrange your face
I'm the Champ!
I'd cut and paste more lyrics but I don't really feel comfortable dropping n-bombs like.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
I don't have much to add today, just wanted to get a post in after a refreshing holiday. I think since no one else does, i'll give out my patented, 5/6 of the season awards out.
Official Boner 8===D of 5/6 of the Season: Paul Lo Duca. Screw off big pud.
Official the Tits ( . )( . ) of 5/6 of the Season: David Wright. How could anyone have ever doubted the dreamy D-Dubs?
Official butt hole ( * ) of 5/6 of the season: David Newhan. God that guy sucks.
That's all the vulgar emoticons I know of so I'm done.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Sunday, September 2, 2007
-Turner Field- quite a nice stadium. Lots of parking, cheap tickets (comparable to value games at Shea), ornery fans (but I would be ornery too if my team just got swept to essentially end their season) and good southern BBQ food options for carnivores. Vegetarians can choose amongst standard ballpark fare (pretzels, nachos, etc...) and one sit-down restaurant with Caesar salad. But vegetarians are homos anyway, so who cares about them. They should all burn at the stake (ed. note. Mr. B. Bellows is an occasional veg aka selectatarian and has tongue firmly planted in his left cheek here).
-ATL restaurants. Lots of good inexpensive options here. Of special note is The Varsity (http://www.thevarsity.com/). The world's largest drive-in restaurant. Serving delicious grease-bombs 24 hours a day. There are also very high-end restaurants, for which one should consult Zagat, but for standard American fast-food this is the best I've ever had.
-Appalachian St over Michigan. Ok- this isn't on the Atlanta or GMDB topic, but I felt it was worthy of mention. Thank you to the Westin-Peachtree for having that game... oh wait a minute... they didn't, nor did the Hooters across the street. Thank you to Google text for updating me on scores!
-METS SWEEP! Great pitching all 3 nights, and timely hitting. But jesus f-ing christ, can we PLEASE stop making dumb outs on the bases. Ruben Gotay and Big Pud, I'm looking your way!
-Dragon*con (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragon_Con) That is going on right now in downtown Atl. It is completely bizarre. I'm not even close to comprehending, but perhaps RockYourFace has some insight? Since I also don't understand him, I can only assume that he has knowledge of this "gaming convention."
-Georgia Aquarium. This is, allegedly, the largest aquarium in the US, and is right across from the World of Coca-Cola (small Coke-themed commercial-like amusement park), and is probably worth a visit. My favorite attraction was the beluga whales.
-Did I mention the METS SWEEP?! DIE BRAVES!!!!
Friday, August 31, 2007
Next up is the last stop in Atlanta, a series I will entirely miss as I will be on vacation. It's probably better that way, as I can save up my hatred for the final series at Shea and I have it on good authority that Mr. Rory B. Bellows will be able to pick up the slack and then some. So fare thee well for the next few days. God help us if we're not in first place when I return.
A final reaction to the last series before I go.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Also- a quick sidenote on a this game... lost in the shuffle was LoDuca's overthrow in the 8th inning. With Shane Victorino representing the tying run on first base, Victorino attempts to steal second. Heilman, btw, was very quick to the plate on the play and Victorino could have easily been thrown out at second base. However, LoDuca tosses the ball into center field, thus allowing for Victorino to reach 3b. Then Rowand gets an infield single and Victorino scores. DAMN YOU, LODUCA!!! Jayson Werth then hit an infield single also (on which, btw, there may have been a play at 3B on Victorino if LoDuca didn't overthrow 2b on the attempted steal, ahh, but I digress), so perhaps I'm picking nits here, but I don't think so and LoDuca stinks!
Thus Rory B. Bellows' road trip continues. Thus far I've taken in Philadelphia and Atlantic City (I can be seen at the Trop'spoker tables with some frequency), and am eagerly awaiting the 3 game set in Atlanta. Hopefully there will be pictures to follow. GO METS! DIE BRAVES! (And now Die Phillies, too!)
Denis starts with some Ken Dynamo bashing; some of it valid (the KSK), some completely false (I would never stoop to hawking this site to the unwashed masses of Late Night Shots. That website is so fucking gay). He then goes on to insult Mets fans with lame bigotry and a link to a 'study' that shows absolutely nothing. He then points out an obvious trade that all Mets fans would like to rescind and then complains about the Mets' supposed weaker division. He finishes off with a MS Paint of David Wright drinking from a bag of seaman.
There is some potential in his post. The attitude is good and the attempts at humor are on the right track. But Denis is sloppy in his attention to detail and his jokes poorly mask his raging insecurities. Southern California is no paradise (nor Xanadu), though I'm sure the hordes of illegal Mexicans and conniving, dog-eating Asians will tell you differently.
If Denis had come even remotely close to staying with the pro-Mets anti-Braves theme of this blog I might have given him the benefit of the doubt, but he doesn't and frankly, his bitter, cranky post doesn't deserve it.
grade: C -
I was originally just going to give ryf an incomplete and be done with it, because I couldn't understand what the fuck he was talking about, but I guess he was doing a parody of Bearleague (or a parody of he Mets game, whatever). rya suffers from verbal diarrhea, making his post interminably dull. He uses hack phrasing (changing a sentence structure from SVO to SOV does not a funnier joke make) and terrible metaphors (Beckman and the MLS? Really?). If brevity is the soul of wit, than rockyourface's wit's soul is as cold and black as his own.
ryf at least manages to comes to grip with his Mets envy and his post could pass the GMDB content bare minimum requirements. But he also constantly referred to himself in 3rd person like a huge douche. If rya trimmed is post but at least half, we may have been able to salvage something. Instead we're stuck with this traffic jam of bullshit.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Yeah I didn't see it either. But Union, NJ's Artlie Lange is a comedic powerhouse, and in his honor, please enjoy these two clips from the triumph of cinema Dirty Work.
Also fuck Pat Burrell.