Friday, November 28, 2008

Oh crap, thanksgiving was yesterday, wasn't it?

So I forogot that yesterday was Thanksgiving and that I was supposed to make some trite post about how thankful GMDB is for readers and stuff like that. Well that's true, we are, but who the fuck reads this crap for sentimentalities? Pfff!

I would, however, like to thank our creator and Heavenly Father, God Almighty, for continually failing to answer my prayers to smite the Atlanta Braves. Thanks, God. Really, thanks a lot. I'm so glad you haven't yet stricken down the Atlanta fucking Braves in a fury of righteous anger. That's just fucking great. Keep those fuckers around but blow up a couple space shuttles. Yeah, smooth move, GOD. I mean, by all means, don't send a perfect bunch of assholes straight to hell, but assfuck a bunch of do-gooding astronaughts, that makes perfect fucking sense to me! And while I'm at it, thanks a whole fucking lot for making me allergic to dogs. That was REALLY fucking cool of you, God. You're a real fuckin' pal you know that? Canceling Deadwood was probably your idea too, wasn't it? Well thanks a fucking bundle. You really know how to weild that supreme fucking power of yours, God, ye old King of Kings, Lord of Lords and Light of Salvation! HOLY SHIT, I AM SO GOD DAMN THANKFUL YOU ARE UP THERE LOOKING OUT FOR ALL OF US, GOD. SO FUCKING THANKFUL. Being so gracious and merciful, I REALLY hope nothing horrible happens to you, GOD, like, say, your only child getting tortured to death!! That would just break my fucking heart!!!!

*pant, pant, pant*


Well then, who wants turkey sandwiches!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

GMDB JUMPS UP YOUR BUTT: Chase Utley is going to hell when he dies

Injuries to all stars are always big news, which is why it's no surprise that Chase Utley's recent trip to the operating table was reporting in many a Mets blogs. This makes sense, considering the Phillies' WS title and past 2 division title have recently supplanted the Braves as P.E. #1 in many Met's fans eyes. Fine, I'm never dropping the Braves hate, but at the same time, I would like the attitudes for discussing this injury to change a bit. I'm talking about baseball fans' informal taboo against rooting for rival team's players to get injured.

Maybe it's baseball's, wimpy, pastoral nature, but what the hell is the big deal about rooting for famous millionaire's to suffer non-career threatening injuries? They're still rich, they still have sweet lives. Fuck 'em. They'll get better and then they'll be back to having way sweeter lives than you and hitting HRs against the Mets in no time. Why can't I enjoy their misery for now?

I know there are plenty of people out there that secretly do, but it seems whenever some sweet ass injury to some jagov like Chipper Jones comes up, all the blog commentors rush to see who can be first to claim the high moral ground of "you never root for a guy to injured..." well F that in A, not me. I am actively rooting for players to suffer injuries and not play. I want the Braves to be totally shitty and if that means Brian McCann has to spend a few weeks taking antibiotics because of a staph infection, then good. As they say, "no sweat off my sack, bro."

So anyway, Sorry for your injury, Utley, but actually not sorry. I don't hope you ACTUALLY die but other than that, fuck you and fuck your success.

Alcoholic storytime
I knew a real drunk in college who I'll just call V-Beers for the sake of the story, because, well, that's what everyone called him.

V-beers had a tremendous thirst for beers, usually either Icehouse ot Natty Light. He's the type of guy who would go out drinking and wake up face down in the snow outside his house, his life saved from hypothermia only by the high level of alcohol in his blood at the time.

Anyway, one day V-Beers ran for president of the fraternity. This was a horrible idea but the president gets free rent int he house and cable as well. So when V-Beers didn't win he got pissed and locked himself in his room. I think we tried to check on him or something but there wasn't a lot of what you'd call empathy among the collection of assholes our fraternity assembled. So no one had heard from him for a few days until we get a call from some guy in the Sigma Chi house. It went like this:

"Hey you know this guy V-Beers? Yeah, well you you better come fucking pick him before he gets the shit kicked out of him."

Apparently V-Beers had snuck out of the fraternity with a bunch of beers and just spent the last week or so drinking and driving around town. Eventually he drove up the lawn of the Sigma Chis, walked into their house, gathered up all the text books lying around and started pissing all over them. I don't know why they didn't fucking rock V-Beers' face for that but when we did pick him he was no worse for the wear except for a slightly torn shirt that may or may not have happened after he started pissing on all the Sigma Chi's shit.

I guess the moral of this story is if you get the desire to go piss on a bunch of other people's shit, why not go to the Sigma Chi fraternity, as they are obviously a bunch of huge pussies.

What I'm sorbing for dinner
A Subway sandwich and... a Subway sandwich. And aybe also a Subway Sandwich. mmmm... big bready sandwiches with meat kept in trays with creepy lids.

I waste a lot of time on Wikipedia, just farting around and looking up random crap. Some of my friends don't appreciate it so much and call me a dork because of it. One time I din't answer my friend JP's phone call so he wrote an email to a bunch of my friends saying I couldn't take his call because I was too busy looking up the history of the bagel on Wikipedia. This is why I hate JP.

Anyway, being a wikiphile probably does make a me a big dork but often it is useful in revealing come choice nuggets like this: "concluded the first official report to Her Majesty's government, 'it is impossible to imagine any human beings lower on the scale of civilization than are the Andaman savages.'"

Obviously I immediately thought about the Braves when I read that.

Celebrity Guest Star Sabremetrical Analysis: Jeffery Jones
"So far this semester he has been absent nine times. NINE TIMES. Congratulations to Carlos Beltran for winning the 2008 Feilding Bible Award for CF. Carlos Beltran you truely are totally awesome."

Tales from the Bad MS Paint Crypt.
Club Beer Party is dumb ass names my friends started calling the occasions where we play a bunch of beruit and get drunk for no reason. It's pretty dope. And exclusive. So exclusive, in fact, that we have recently restricted membership to no one, including myself. When I was in it though, I killed some time one day and made this awesome Club Beer Party logo. Gnarly, no?

Obligatory something that is awesome about the Mets.
Butch Huskey is mountain of a man who will come to your house and eat your dinner.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves.
Speaking of Brian McCann, he has a disgustingly creepy flesh colored neck beard, a la Spencer Pratt. Shave off that filthy shit you savage.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade.
Mom and Dad Save the PlanetThere's really nothing I can do to explain this movie, except that the combination of Jeffery Jones and Jon Lovitz is a joy for all of society to treasure. There are a couple good bits in the movie, like the 'Light Grenade' and Kathy Ireland in her prime, but yeah, it's pretty fucking awful. But it was on a lot so I fucking watched it so fuck off.

Fantasy Baseball Advice
Michael Young is a piece of horseshit. Never draft or trade for him. Uh, yeah that's it. Yeah this topic totally sucks.

Stupid Baseball Tradition that sucks and should just shut up and go to hell
Tim McCarver being employed. He is a real piece of god awful orange hair dying piece of shit. He makes Joe Morgan look like a Rhodes Scholar. How he is still employed can only be the result of some sort of powerful yet unknown inertia, perhaps like the dark matter that keep the universe expanding away from itself.

If firing Tim McCarver means reversing this process and having the cosmos collapsing upon itself and ending the entire space-time continuum, I think it's definitely be an option worth considering.

Mets related website that rocks it out like a champion
My Summer Family. This is run but super cool blogatrix The Coop, who likes to curse and hate on other teams. Sounds good to me!

Non Mets website that doesn't exactly make we want to barf my guts out
Bad Braves Fan. Despite not making new posts since March, we still get some site traffic directed our way from Grimey's links to GMDB. Also Grimey is a pretty funny dude, despite his disgusting proclivities for baseball times from Atlanta.

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women
I see no sooner did I publish Jumps up Your Butt's first iteration did BDD steal my idea of using tool as a kick ass video. And so out of spite, I'm picking tool, AGAIN. also because tool is the fucking tits and I've set my itunes to play nothing but tool for the last 3 weeks or so. (The 'rare magical homeless dago' in the Deadspin post was a great line though. I can see Big Pud picking that as his new profession in a couple years).

So this week it's Hooker with a Penis.

A song about some fan being mad a tool for selling out, and MJK telling this fan to go fuck himself with a coat rack. Once I became a successful television sit come writer, I'm going to try and sneak tool lyrics into the shows whenever possible. So like when it comes time for the annoying old dad to impart some lesson on the dumb ass son he'll say "Well, now, I've got some AD-vice for you little buddy." And then millions of Americans will have been subliminally urged to go listen to a song called Hooker with a Penis. TOUCHDOWN KEN DYNAMO.

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties

Aly and AJ's Potential Break Up Song is a fun little pop ditty by two pretty hot though probably underage chicks. I went to go look up their ages on wikipedia (obviously), and what do I find out but that they are home schooled and don't believe in evolution.

I can't think of anything more boner killing than Creationlist ideology.

I was in a seminar in college with a super hot chick and when the topic of evolution came up this dumb bitch couldn't help herself but to proclaim to the entire class "Well you all know that with recent advances in science that the theory of evolution will be BLOWN OUT OF THE WATER SOON." The emphasis is mine but this is exactly what she said. She really wanted us to know the 'truth' too. If only we ignorant lost souls would keep up with the science journals, we too would be enlightened as too how Darwin was a fraud.

Bottom line, if you think the earth is 6,000 years old or less you should be euthanized. Fucking savages.

Major Boobage
Yeah I won't lie, this is just a link to meat spinners. Maybe one day I'll actually link to some hot tits but I just love a good meat spinner joke. My favorite is sending out the one cell phone locater bit to a bunch of friends one of them simply responded "You know you can just go right to meatspin[dot]com right?" Revolting.

Robocop made up quote of the week
"As he my old coach would say it: everywhere there are they, the blind squirrels, nutting on each other."

Well, I hope you enjoyed round 2. It took longer to to post than I wanted but it is a holiday week so tough titties. Also I really don't feel like proofreading so I'm afraid there are bound to be some atrocious typos herein. WELL OK THEN BYE.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

GMDB Jumps up Your Butt: Foil-Embossed Hologrammed Glow-in-the-Dark First Issue Collector's Item

When trying to think of a good format for GMDB's reboot, I thought to myself, say, why don't I just rip off Big Daddy's Drew's Dick Joke Jambaroo? He's funny, people enjoy his work, and like Big Daddy Drew, I also enjoy sports, alcohol, music and naked boobs.

Then I thought, you know what, that wouldn't be me ripping BDD off, that be me ripping MYSELF off. Case in point, one of BDD latest jokes about excessive drinking where he says: hey, if 15 drinks makes me feel this awesome, then OF COURSE another 5 beers beers can only make me feel that much MORE awesome! How can me writing that be ripping BDD off when I've already been saying that for years? MOREOVER ITS NOT A JOKE IT IS TRUE.

So if some of this shit looks familiar to something you've seen before but massively less funny, its because I'm copying the Jambaroo format and then making the same pathetic jokes I have been making my whole life that just happen to sound like pale imitations of jokes you've already heard on KSK multiple times. Though one thing you won't hear from me are any of the Father Knows Shit jokes that BDD makes about his family. Fuck that, why would you get married, dude? Having a wife is so gay. Queer.

Anyway, just so you don't feel like your getting totally gypped in the opening rant, here is something totally new that I made up myself and if anyone says otherwise they are a rotten lying sack of dogshit. It's an idea for a new show on TLC. It involves two clowns who use invitro twice and end up with 8 fuckin kids. Then then exploit their children by shoving them in front of cameras all day for some terrible TV show, only to see it end in tragedy when their minivan full of offspring gets hit by a bus. It's called Jon and Kate Plus 8 Minus 3.

Alcoholic Storytime
So when I moved into my first apartment after graduating college and was finally completely unfettered from the shackles of parental dependence, I was overcome with the near limitless possibilities of ways to completely waste money when my financial resources were being held accountable to no one but myself. Combining that and a high speed internet connection meant it was clearly only a matter of time before I got drunk and subscribed to a bunch of internet prono sites.

Now I did this a few times only to cancel the next day out of regret before I finally did this while completely blacked out. It wasn't until I looked at my monthly credit card bill that I realized I was being charged $20 a month for something called Luckily that charge also came with a toll free number so I called up with the intention of canceling whatever perverted shit it was I had signed up for. Once I got an operator on the line the conversation went more or less like this:

Me: Yes I'd like to cancel whatever it is I'm getting billed every month for. Can I give you my credit card number so you can look me up?
Operator: Certainly, if you can just tell me your username and password.
Me: Sorry I have no idea what those are. I have my credit card number that's getting charged, though, can I give you that now?
Operator: Well if you just give me your user name and password I can look up your whole account for you.
Me: No you see I don't know what those are but I have my credit card bill with this unknown charges on it and I'd like to have it stopped. So... how about I give you that credit card number, now?
Operator: Ok well if you can look up your user name and...
Operator: Right, well I've been able to look up your account based on that information. Now, How can I help Mr. Sorb?
Me: What?
Operator: Your account was activated by a Mr. Sorb, actually it is... Sorb Sorb. First name and last. So how may I help you Sorb Sorb?
Operator: Allright, your account has been terminated Sorb S-

And I've been sorbing up pornography ever since. The End.

What I'm sorbing for dinner
Most likely a microwaved Chef Boyardee lasagna is a heavy cheese sauce, complimented by several handfuls of frozen peas, topped off by a leftover bag of Sunchips purchased 3 days ago at Subway. Bone appetit!

Battlestar Galactica is one of the top 5 dramas ever to be broadcast on TV, (along with The Wire, Deadwood, Sopranos and Mad Men - no other opinions appreciated thank you that will be all), but will never get it's due because it has the name Battlestar Galactica and it involves spaceships. THAT IS RACIST. YOURE ALL A BUNCH OF GOD DAMN RACISTS. Frack all y'all bitches.

Celebrity Guest Star Sabermetrical Analysis: Featuring James Vanderbeek!
"I don't want.... YER LIFE! Futhermore, despite several sportswriter's sentimentalities and protean definition of 'valuable', Albert Pujols' 66 POINT advantage in OPS+ over Ryan Howard precludes any other argument to the contrary that Pujols should be this year's NL MVP. For once, conventional wisdom by the BWAA aligned with that of the sabremetrical community. Kudos, gentlemen."

Tales from The Bad MS Paint Job Crypt.
This one is from the GMDB vault since I've already spent way too long on this post and haven't the strength to make a new one, even though they obviously only take like 5 minutes. Hey Ryan Howard, Pujols just screwed you in the pooholes! Tee hee.
Obligatory something that is awesome about the Mets.
John Franco had lazy boy recliner installed next to his locker just to make fun of Barry Bonds for doing the same.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves.
Up until 2003, Atlanta had a law on the books prohibiting inter racial marriage.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade.
You think Andrew Stephens and Shannon Tweed ever got sick of all the simulated sex they had to have? All that grindage and no release. Kind of like dance parties in high school (who didn't see that punchline coming?)

Fantasy Baseball Advice
I don't have any, I totally suck at fantasy baseball. What a terrible category I chose to comment on. Here's my advice: play in a league that has very strict waiver wire rules so you don't miss out on picking up every good player because some asshole carries his laptop around everywhere and gets fantasy alerts texted to his phone. Who does that shit, anyway? Buttcakes, that's who.

Stupid Baseball Tradition that sucks and should just shut up and go to hell
Most traditions of any sort are stupid and serve no discernible purpose. Baseball is no exception as it's chock full of dumb traditions that serves no purpose other than to give Bob Costas something annoying to complain about. Here's one I would get rid of: Managers in uniforms.

How humiliating for those old fat geezers? Even more ridiculous is when they wear the dugout jackets and then walk around in those tight ass game pants. The managers are also usually the last people on the team to still wear stirrups. Please, for chrissakes, let these fat old men dress like their age for once.

Mets related website that rocks it out like a champion
It's no secret that I have a raging mega-huge blogger boner for Amazin Avenue. Half of the stuff I write about (ok, like 90 percent) comes from a link that E-rock Cymon found first. You are my favorite, Amazin Avenue, forever and always. Hey, maybe for Valentine's day I'll just dress up Amazing Avenue like a girl and take it out to dinner. I think we'll go to Hunan #1. Then later I can share my duck sauce with it. Wow, this went South in a hurry. Sorry, but there's no changing it now, that would be against GMDB strict no-proofreading policy. Deal with it.

Non Mets website that doesn't exactly make we want to barf my guts out
I don't know how many more of these kind of websites I'll be able to uncover but I wanted to give a shout out to The Fightins, they who gave us the video of the little rioting Philly girl. I started reading more of that blog and couldn't really find anything that made me totally want to vomit my brains out in disgust. Way to go dudes. Now if only these powers of yours could somehow be harnessed for the forces of good and righteousness.

Random 2009 Team Preview: The Atlanta Braves

The Braves new GM, Frank Wren is going to have his work cut out for him this offseason when trying to fill some major holes the Braves have both in their starting rotation and in their outfield.

After exhausting all potential internal options, look for Wren and the Braves to hire some sort of voodoo priest to scour German cemeteries in an effort to reanimate the corpses of dead Nazi commanders to fit in with their organizational tradition of employing genocidal zombie cannibals. If that fails, Wren has stated that his will examine the rolls of all registered sex offenders in the greater Atlanta metro area.

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women: Tool Vicarious

How's this for some dominant lyrics?
Blood like rain, come down
Drum on grave and ground

Now that is a touchdown.

The rest of the lyrics kick it up your ass too. Lead guitarist Adam Jones also said that the time signature of this song is something like 8.5/6. Tool, please be welcomed as planet Earth's deserving new supreme overlords.

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties: Le Click Call Me

Is there a more homoerotic scene then 30 some high school football players changing into thier jocks, girdles and tight tight pants while all singing along to this mid 90's dance hall classic? Why yes, when one of them gets up on a bench and yells "Hey everyone, check out my nuts!" Not that I know anything about such a thing ever happening.

Major Boobage
I know everyone here knows how to look up that sweet sweet pr0n on the internets, but I've uncovered a rare gem here that I doubt you've ever seen before. Obviously beware that it is definitely not safe for work, but on the other hand, maybe you're going to lose your job in the economic vortex of misery we currently experiencing, so you probably owe it to yourself to click through, anyway. Behold.

Robocop made up quote of the week

"My friends used to call me, Murphy, but now, I too shall be the one who is called Dick Titties."

Well, that's it for now. Who knows how long I'll keep up this program but I think it at least has some potential. Potential to totally suck a fat peenus! OH BURN.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

This seriously can't wait. Also GMDB site news update

Site news first: I'm planning on consolidating the posts I'm doing from a whenever-I-get-around-to-it schedule to one-super-sweet-awesome-post a week. I'm thinking this dope shit will drop on Tuesdays, because nothing cool happens on Tuesday (NOT YET ANYWAY! HAHA!) and also cause of nostalgia for the old Q104.3's two for Tuesday classic rock blocks. You know what passes for classic rock these days? Nirvana. That's fucking bullshit.

Anyway, the crap that can't wait until later even though I've already posted once today revolves around pop star Katy Perry's excellent Hot N Cold.

First, enjoy the original video.

Katy Perry is smokin hot and sings some totally alright pop songs but I just have this weird feeling that she'd be a real bitch to date. Like, you're trying to decide where to eat one night and you're like, hey, how about Chinese? And she'd be all like You don't want chinese, you hate chinese, no you want to try the new vegan raw bar because you want to start eating healthier. and then when you say no thanks to that she yells I don't understand why you make such a big production out of everything there's no need for that kind of attitude why dont you take some time to think about what you just did! and then she'll stop having sex with you for a week, at least.

I dunno, maybe it's just me.

Right, so, I wrote these amazing fake lyrics to the chorus of Hot N Cold and I just couldn't wait to share them with everyone. Like I literally am not able to do anything else until I type all this out.



Cause you're hot then your cold,
Your cock, I grab hold,
You push it up in,
'Round it I will spin.

You're ready to go,
Increase the tempo,
I cum: crescendo,
You play nintendo?

(you) You don't really want to stay, no
(you) But you don't really want to go-o

You mash on my gash,
I twang on your wang,
You jam in my clam,
I rock on your cock,


Cause I schlob on your knob,
And swallow your balls,
I lick your stiff prick,
Lipstick on your dick,

You rip through my tits,
Explode on my globes,
Grope both my flesh slopes,
Spray your frozen ropes.

(you) You don't really want to stay, no
(you) But you don't really want to go-o

You rub on my nub,
I yank on your crank,
You spluge down my luge,
I squirt on your shirt.


Cause you've savaged my ass,
Gave you a dirt 'stache,
Don't quit the sick shit,
Spit on my biscuits.

My buns you did spank,
Drank from my piss tank,
Spelunked my pink cave,
Nothing's too depraved.

Now nut on my butt,
And sperm in my perm,
I goad your fat chode,
To blow the whole load.

Now chew my roast beef,
Let your teeth sink deep,
Freak between my cheeks,
Cream on my twin peaks.

(you) You don't really want to stay, no
(you) But you don't really want to go-o

Now plow through my fields,
And zest my orange peels,
Our fluids congeal,
Tenderize my veal.


Phillie fans are brutal savages. I have proof.

The video on this page contains proof for what we all know to be true: Phillie fans are brutal, sub-human savages. Gaze in wonder as some little Philly fan girl takes the windshield of a news van and beats it the fuck in with her little foot, then a huge ass cop takes her ankle and beats it the fuck in with his huge ass nightstick. Then the Phillie fans start chanting 'fuck the police'. God damn savages in that town. Seriously, if you ever find a Phillie fan who has not dined on human flesh in the last 24 hours you have found a rare beast indeed.

These maniacs should be put to sleep, f'real.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Folks, what are we going to do about Luis Castillo?

When Omar made traded for Luis Castillo in the midst of the 2007 season, the general reaction in Metsland was a collective, 'Meh.' It paled in comparison to the ruckus raised by the Braves' Teixeira deal, but all the Mets gave up were, uh.... some fucking guy and, uh.... some other fucking guy, so no big whoop.

The following offseason, Omar rewarded Castillo pedestrian half season prefomance with a four year, $25m contract, beating out probably no one for the privilege of having Castillo's services at second base for the next 4 years.

What the fuck man. One of Castillo's leg's is shorter than the other. That's fucked up. He walks around like Grandpa Biff Tanner. Crag Brown at THT explains the boneheaded signing with science (thanks to AA for the link).

So I ask you: folks, what are we going to do about Luis Castillo?

In other news, I've been criticized for more often then not making jokes at the expense of the homosexual community. Well, let it not be said that I am now still no longer a friend to the gays.

What I mean is I recently bought this CD:because, I mean, well just look at it. It's amazing. Anyway, I googled what the shit it's all about and its defintiley a huge, ass-themed, gay club in Times Square that decided to put out an album of terrible, terrible house music. I mean this CD sucks. I guess if you're downing vodka-GHB cocktails all night a bunch of lame ass bleeps and bloops with no decernible hooks or melodies is what you're in to, but, christ this was boring.

So yeah, check me out, supporting New York's GLBTs. I hope you enjoyed my 8 bucks, assmen. That's two Miller Lite's I won't be enjoying this weekend.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


Hah, psyche! Politics are the fucking worst. I'm not wasting any more time going over any of that bullshit. Check out what I did vote for though:
I also voted for turning all of Atlanta into one great big fucking lake. Learn to swim, assholes.


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

GMDB EXCLUSIVE: Big Pud's 2008 Halloween costume. Also a picture of Jimmy Rollins drinking Shane Victorino's piss

Look, Paul Lo Duca dressed up as a stupid moron for Halloween. What a faggot.

And Jimmy Rollins about to consume Shane Victorino's urine. I bet he's all like "Aaaah, this is so refreshing! I LOVE PISS!"

Special election day bonus political commentary from Carlos Rogers: "Hey, like a lot of people said, one president gonna stick it up your butt, the other one's gonna stick it further in the butt, so it don't matter, man. Whatever happens, happens. That's something we can't control."

I have to agree with Rogers even though he is a stupid stupid Redskin. Look, if you've convinced yourself that your one vote can possibly make a difference, then by all means, go fucking vote, just don't give me shit because I know mine won't.