Wednesday, April 30, 2008


Nothing like getting up at 6:30, so that you can take 3 hours off in the middle of the day to watch the Mets (the ole conference room here at Tankard, Lee & Quips, P.C. has a nice television setup) at work and finding out that the game has been delayed due to a "water main break," which I'm pretty sure just means that the Mets 3rd starter had to pee. Then going back to your office (overlooking the parking lot here in lovely Suburbia, N.J.) and getting back to work. Imagine two hours later you tune into the Gameday Audio on only to find that the METS ARE DOWN 13-1 TO THE FREAKING PIRATES?!?!?!


The sports blog-o-party is all a flutter with the fall out from a late night talk show on HBO hosted by a smarmy Greek midget.

As a respected member of the new media, I just have one thing to add: This isn't helping our cause out, Leitch (NSFW, as usual).

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

GMDB EXCLUSIVE: interview with the Rev. Jeremiah Wright

GMDB doesn't often get political, but when we were able to get an audience with Reverend Jeremiah A. Wright Jr., we certainly weren't going to pass on this incredible opportunity.

GMDB: Reverend, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with us. Can you share with us your thoughts on the Atlanta Braves?

Rev Wright:
GMDB: And we all share God's opinion. Reverend, thank you for your time.

Well that was quite the interview, wasn't it? Gosh, I sure hope this doesn't come back to haunt us years later when GMDB runs for President of the Internet.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Monday Twofer: F U Clemens and pumpitude

The spirit of GMDB has never cared much for deadlines, and so once again I am late getting the FU Friday out. So enjoy another twofer and this totally unspurprising story about Roger Clemens being the abject lowlife that he is.

Is there no end to Clemens moral decrepitude? Actually yes, when God finally decides he has punished the rest of humanity enough and snuffs Clemens' mortal soul, his unholy rampage on earth will finally end. The fact that Clemens is currently our of baseball isn't enough. This man is a cancer to society, and the sooner we are rid of him the better. Short of soliciting his outright murder, I recommends exiling Clemens to Borneo. On second thought, that would be unfair to the innocent inhabitants of the South East Asian jungle isle. Better that Clemens just be sent directly to hell.

Am I being a little harsh? Perhaps. Maybe Clemens should have thought about this before attempting murder himself by winging a broken bat at Piazza in the 2000 World Series. This kind of behavior doesn't help his cause out either (NSFW).

Ugh, I feel sick just having thought about that miserable waste of sperm and egg. Let us refocus on the beating we administered the Atlanta Bravos by winning the latest series and celebrate the triumph by rocking out to some motherfucking Clutch.

Holy shit that was awesome. Lets do another one.

Fuck yeah, baby.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Anon Mets 'pen: thou doth clutch a towering equine pizzle and sucketh it, verily

And what I mean by that is the Mets' bullpen sucks huge horse cock.

What the fuck man, I know it's early but if I have no patience for this bullshit. If anyone was to blame for the collapse last year, it was the bullpen, and we're not even out of April yet before these bozos decide it's time to break out the straws and start the suckfest. An all day, all night sucking suck party that will suck your shit straight to hell (whatever that means).

Heilman: IP 12.2 - ERA 4.97 - WHIP 1.42 - grade:
Sosa: IP 13.2 - ERA 7.24 - WHIP 1.68 - grade:

Here's my impressions of Sosa and Heilman having a little pow wow on the mound in the middle of a game:

Sosa: Hey Aaron, how's it going?
Heilman: Pretty good, Jorge, pretty good.
Sosa: So, what are you up to?
Heilman: Oh just taking a piss.
Sosa: Yeah me too, I'm just taking a big long steamy piss all over the field.
Heilman: Hey, you ever think about, I dunno, like, actually pitching, or something like that?
Sosa: No, I'm pretty much just going to take a piss.
Heilman: Hah, yeah me too, just pissin'. I was joking before. Nothing but piss from me.
Sosa: Yeah, piss it up.
Heilman: I love taking a piss on game day.
Sosa: Piss that game away.
Heilman: Piss, piss, piss.
Sosa: Love to take a piss.
Heilman: Hey, Jorge.
Sosa: Yes, Aaron?
Heilman: I guess that makes us, piss pals!

Fucking assholes. Get your shit together.

I was going to save this video for when Alou returned (because if you didn't already know, Alou like to PISS on his HANDS!!!) but I love piss jokes more than life and can't wait that long.

My favorite part is when you think the piss is over but then he farts and ITS NOT OVER!!!!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Non baseball crap! Entourage - Episode 4: Prank Dat Soulja Bro!

*** Ed. note - FYI - this post is very long - if you don't have the time or inclination to read the whole thing, there is a short, short condensed version in the comments. or you could ignore the whole post and do something productive with your life. The choice is yours.

The episode starts with Ari closing the door to his Mercedes S600 with his iPhone at his ear.

A: I don't want to hear any excuses Lloyd, I've told you a hundred times already, you need to run interference with Mrs. Gold on this one for me.

L: But Ari, I really think your wife is getting suspicious. She knows you weren't taking Muay Thai lessons yesterday.

A: Hey, Lloyd - who is getting you tickets to see Justin Timberlake that are so close to the stage you'll be able to catch the sweat dripping off his taint?

L: I know Ari but -

A: No buts Lloyd - just keep my wife off my back or you'll be crying me a river after I fire your ass!

Ari hangs up the phone, looks around and then dashes into a store front. We then see that Mrs. Gold watching in a car with a girlfriend.

Mrs G: That son of a bitch!

Mrs Gold gets out and slams the door as her girlfriend shouts words of encouragement to her. She gets to the storefront and peers around the corner into the window. She sees Ari smiling and chatting it up with a really hot saleswoman who then points to her neck, which leads directly to a very exposed and ample display of cleavages. Ari then nods and they both walk behind a curtain to the back of the store together.

Mrs G watching: Mother-

Mrs G swings open the door, storms in and yells: Ari, you piece of shit!

There are a few seconds of silence and then Ari yells from behind the curtain: Fuck!

Mrs G looks stunned as Ari walks out looking annoyed and the cleavaged woman walks out looking sorry. A: Lloyd owes you a pair of JustinTimberlake tickets.

Mrs G: Ari - what? how could? What the fuck is going on you motherfucker?

A: Baby, I can understand and appreciate every thought that's running through your head right now, and I'm sorry you had to think them, but this is a complete misunderstanding and you're going to laugh about this later.

Mrs G: Laugh about what? You and this whore?

Cleavage woman frowns and looks at Ari. Ari gives her a 'hold-on-dont-worry-about-it' look.

A: No baby, about that fact that you thought I was cheating on you when I was just sneaking around this JEWELERY STORE so I could surprise you with this incredibly fabulous and VERY EXPENSIVE 15th year anniversary gift.

Ari then pulls out a box with a really expensive blinged out necklace.

Mrs G: Oh my god Ari that is incredible! Oh - I'm sorry I was so jealous.

A: Please, baby, if I was going to cheat on you I would have done it with your best friend Karrie who was begging to give me a tug job after you passed out during our vacation in Aruba.

Mrs G: Oh Ari... You're like that untamable bad ass that says and does totally rude things that make women go crazy for you, but then deep down you are sensitive and don't follow through and actually hurt the people who fall in love with you, like you would expect someone to do with your attitude.

A: I know. I'm like this totally unbelievable fictional man that doesn't exist anywhere.

Mrs G: I'm so lucky you got me pregnant.

A: Speaking of which, I need to get back to the office so I can keep working. Then tonight I'm going to come home and you can give me my present, and you know what I want.

Mrs G: Of course, Ari, you lovable rascal, you gave me expensive jewelery so now you can fuck my mouth!

The scene cuts to Vince's awesome apartment where Turtle and Drama are playing Nintendo Wii.

T: Fuck your mouth Diddy Kong! Suck it Drama - I just fucked your mouth!

D: Fuck you Turtle, this is bullshit.

T: All day Drama, I've been fucking your mouth all day.

D: You know Turtle, there's a difference between being good at a video game, and being a good sport, and you sir, are a miserable cunt of a sport.

T: Yeah well your mouth is my cunt tonight! Suck another one be-otch! Beeyoooooo!!!

Drama throws his Wiimote on the floor: Screw you asshole!

T: Oh don't be such a cry baby Drama, I'll let you win next time.

D: Oh I'll get you next time Turtle, but it won't be in another round of Mario Cart. No I'm going to get you back when you're not expecting it. And it'll hurt. And then you'll know what it's like to suffer this kind of abuse.

T: Yeah, well then you better think of something good, because it's got to feel pretty terrible to have a guy fuck your mouth for as long as I've been.

Eric and Vince walk in. E: Are you two lovers having another fight?

D: Up yours, E.

E: Hold on, Vince's publicist, whatshername, is calling.

T: Ooh, let me take this call.

Eric hands the phone to Turtle. T: Hey sweetheart, you going out with me tonight?

Publicist: Turtle I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on Earth, you dicklicking dickless limpdick. Put Vince on the phone, now, before I castrate you and then ass rape your mother with your own dick, you no dick having ass fuck.

T: Ooh I love it when you talk like that to me. Here Vince, you better take this, I think she's PMSing pretty hard right now.

V: Hey feisty publicist lady, how is everything about my life that you take care of?

P: Perfect Vince, I'm taking care of everything and all of your publicity is going great. Everyone in Hollywood loves you and you are very rich.

V: Hey great, Thanks for calling.

P: No problem, Vince, talk to you later.

E: So, what are you two doing tonight?

T: I gotta go take Arnold to the vet.

V: Anything wrong?

T: No Arnold is healthy as a horse, just his regular check up.

E: What about you Drama?

D: I'm going stay in and practice. I can't take losing to this disrespectful jerk anymore.

V: Alright, well me and Vince are going to go out to the clubs, see you guys later.

Later, at the club, Vince and Eric and mingling with super hot babes while the newest rap hits are booming over the clubs speakers.

E: So Vince, who are you going to be taking home tonight?

V: I guess anyone that I want.

E: Yeah, I guess you will. Really, any woman here in the club, and probably half the guys, would fuck you right now.

V: I know.

V: So what about you Eric?

E: Well I'll probably meet some hot yet down to earth girl who I can just be honest with. We probably won't have sex tonight but we'll go out a few more times and hopefully develop a meaningful relationship.

V: Yeah you've done that many times before, haven't you?

E: Yes, that's all I ever do. Kind of like how you just go from one meaningless sex partner to another.

V: Yeah, we are pretty predictable that way, aren't we? But you know what, as long as it's always with hot babes, whose complaining?

E: Not me bro!

V: Me neither!

Eric and Vince toast.

The scene cuts back to the house and Turtle is bringing Arnold back from the vet.

T: Yeah Arnold that's a good boy. Now I know your hungry so lets get you something to eat!

D: Hey, uh, Turtle, before you take care of Arnold how about we smoke some bud first?

T: This will only take a second, Drama.

D: Well how about you go get your stash for me, now, and then I'll pack the bong for both of us while you go get Arnold his food.

T: Fine Drama, damn you are pushy sometimes.

Turtle goes into the other room as Drama smirks. Then you hear commotion and dog barking from the other room as Drama sits back on the couch while holding the Wiimote and laughing.

T: Drama god damn it, you put bacon strips in my bag of weed and Arnold came in and ate the whole thing!

D: Karmic payback, motherfucker.

T: Yeah well now neither of have any weed and my connect is on vacation until next week.

D: That's OK, I smoked up before you got home so I'll be good until then.

T: Drama, that is low, you know I am going to get you back for this.

D: Now who's being a baby? Look, just whatever you do, remember that I have to shoot my show tomorrow and you can't do anything that will mess up my job.

T: Oh we'll see about that Drama, we'll see.

We then cut to Eric waking up in some bed with a hot babe.

E: Oh my god, I can't believe we did it last night. I mean, no offense, it was amazing, and so are you, but I must have been drunk. Normally I don't do that the first night I meet someone.

Girl: Hey me neither. Like never! But it was great for me too, and I think you're great too.

E: Hey cool - so we both had a little slutty one night stand but because we were so honest to each other in the morning we can still have a serious relationship.

G: What a crazy unpredictable twist!

E: Truly amazing. Hey I wonder how Vince is doing.

Scene cuts to Vince waking up in bed with the hottest babe ever.

V: I can't believe we didn't sleep together last night. For some reason it just didn't feel right.

Babe: That must be so unusual for you.

V: It really is. This has been such a crazy and unpredictable night for me.

B: Well, we can still have a whole bunch of dirty sex now if you want.

V: Yeah, I would like that, that would be just fine.

The scene cuts to the set where Drama works. He is going over lines when Ari runs into him.

D: Ari, what are you doing here? I didn't think I was an important enough client to you to see by myself.

A: What can I say Johnny, I'm feeling in a really good mood today and I want to spread the love. You see it was my anniversary last night and my wife let me fuck her mouth.

T: Hey what a coincidence, last night I fucked Dramas' mou-

A: Shut the fuck up Turtle, you're interrupting an important business meeting.

T: Uh, you mean I'm interrupting Ari bullshit you while he waits for Vince to show up?

D: Wait, Vince is coming?

T: Yeah Vince is coming. So is E. I called everybody. We're all here to support you in your show, Drama.

Vince and Eric walk up.

E: So Turtle, whats so important that you wanted us all here?

A: Yeah Turtle, I could have stayed home and fucked my wife's mouth again.

T: Hey, can't a bro invite his other bros to come out and support his main bro?

D: Look, I'm glad you're all here, but if you'll excuse me I have to go get ready for my scene.

Drama walks off and Eric runs after him.

E: Drama, wait up. Hey, you have to know Turtle is pulling some kind of prank, right? That's the only reason he would have called us all here.

D: Got that covered bro. See, Turtle's flaw was trying to get Frank in wardrobe to betray me. Frank's a huge Viking Quest fan and he tipped me off that Turtle paid him 50 bucks to write the word FAG on the back of my shirt. I told the whole crew and they're cool so now I just want to get this over with. Especially since all the executive producers are going to be on set for a visit today.

E: Ok, well good luck. I wouldn't underestimate Turtle when it comes to pranks, though.

D: Don't worry E, I'm on to Turtle's scheme this time.

Eric walks back to the gang and Drama goes and does his scene. After a line or two of dialogue he takes his jacket off to reveal a shirt that says FAG in big letters. The whole crew laughs including some old dudes in suits that look like executive producers and the director.

Drama fakes shock and outrage. D: Oh my gosh, who could have snuck in to my wardrobe and written this slanderous insult on my shirt? Goodness this is a terrible prank that just been pulled on me.

Most of the crew then stop laughing but Turtle, Eric, Vince, Ari, the director and the producers all continue to laugh hysterically. They are also no not looking at Drama but at a TV screen in front of the director.

D: Hey Turtle, your little joke wasn't that funny, bro.

Eric in between laughs: I don't know Drama, this is pretty fucking hilarious.

D: What the fuck are you talking about? I told you about the prank before.

E: Yeah, well, um, Drama? You better come take a look at this.

Drama walks over and see everyone looking at a screen of footage from a hand held camcorder that shows Drama hunched over in his dressing room jerking off to an issue of Variety. You can hear through the video that Drama is reading a positive review of one of his shows repeating a line that mentions his name over and over again. All of Drama's friends and co-workers are watching and laughing at him.

T: Ha HA, Drama! I filmed that two months ago and was saving it for just the right time. Now I fucking got you with the ultimate prank! Suck one, faggot!

A: Holy shit, Drama, Turtle is fucking your mouth more than even I fucked my wife's mouth!

E: Hey don't feel that bad, Drama. I mean, it was an awesome prank.

V: Look bro, sometimes you just gotta take a joke. I mean, whats the worst that could happen? I'll always be your brother, and I'll always be obscenely rich.

D: Yeah, good point bro. I guess this is kind of funny.

Executive Producer 1: Well Drama, you certainly know how to role with the punches.

Executive Producer 2: Yes, you're displaying quite a bit of character right now. I like an actor with character.

EP1: Me too. And you know, we're looking for an actor with character to play the leading role in our new show, Law and Order: Los Angeles K-9 Unit. Do you think Drama is our man?

EP2: Absolutely I do. Well what do you say Drama?

D: Yes, I mean yeah I would love that.

A: Hey Drama, now that you're going to be a real actor, I'll take you on as a real client and even treat you with a little respect.

T: And I just found more weed in my pocket that I forgot about!

V: Hey everybody, lets go out tonight and celebrate!

E: Lets do it guys. We deserve it. We really do.

The End.

Monday, April 21, 2008

I'll take it

Almost the sweep. But we've seen that in April before and it caused a bit of premature celebration that its just as well we don't repeat this year. We've won 7 of the last 10 and need to focus on tonights prime time match up of John 'Rock you like a Hurri-' Maine v Carlos 'No the good' Zambrano. To get pumped, lets listen to Isreal's Son by Silverchair.

Did you know Silverchair is still around and touring? I didn't. But this video is from a live concert in 2006, so I guess theres still some Silverchair-heads out there. As there should be. Frogstomp was gnarly.

Obviously the person who is 'late for their execution' is Carlos Zambrano, who the Mets shall crucify tonight.

Totally random bonus feature:

If anyone is in for a good laugh, listen to Hilary's Duff's exhilarating dance track Beat of My Heart, only change the lyrics every time she says 'the beat of my heart' to the 'the smell of my farts,' but leave all the other lyrics the same. It is hiLARious. trust me.

Oh how you will laugh.

Friday, April 18, 2008

FYF: um, i'm not really that pissed off right now!

I don't really have an FYF for today. A series sweep, even to the lowly Nats, will do that to a mood. Altho maybe I'll give a fuck you to the stupid school of Chaminade in Long Island, alma mater to yesterday's opposing starting moundsman (all time favorite term for a pitcher) John Lannan, as well as our very own Monstupolous Milo (aka Shea Stadium). Oh and Bill O'Reilly.

Chamanade is a dumb ass private school full of dorky FLIDS that was built on a former airport runway so they call themselves the Flyers. L A M E. They are also St. Anthony's bitch and the 12th best football player on their 1999 football team couldn't even play 4 years for a crappy DIII college team. Check it out, these guys are from Long Island too:

Right, anyway, now that I've got that hatred warmed up, let's look at a couple other things that are pissing me off.

1) Omar fucked it up with Ruben Gotay. Instead of keeping him on the roster, Omar decided to expose Gotay, a good, young, cheap athlete, to waivers, where he was quickly snatched up by the butt head Bravos. This in and of itself is not so egregious until you look at the turd Omar decided was indisposable. Brady Clark, an old piece of crap that was never very good. This guy sucks. Why keep him, Omar? Because you need another outfielder and Ruben is an infielder? Like Gotay couldn't play the outfield as good as Clark. You fucked it up Omar, and now you're going to pay. Grrrrr....

2) Omar also fucked it up by signing Luis Castillo to a 4 year deal. I'm not really trying to hate on Castillo, but this contract is asking for truble. Castillo is on the wrong side of 30 and his game relies solely on his speed. He is a little gimpy and will only get gimpier as the plays further into his contract. Once Castillo's legs die for good, he will be worthless as a ball player. Also he's currently last on the team in WPA (ie, so far in this short season he has been the least clutch player on the team). That's TWO strikes Omar. You now have TWO strikes, and NO BALLS.

3) Pedro Martinez is a dick and his injury is a bunch of bullshit. I can understand when his rotator cuff tore. He's a pitcher, its an occupational hazard and it sucks, but he got the injury doing his job. But a hamstring injury? Didn't you have gym class in the Domincan? Well ok, maybe not, but I had it in New Jersey, and the first fucking thing you learn is that proper stretching prevents injuries. Stretch your fucking hammies out next time, asshole! And stop telling the Spanish press that you're going to be back earlier than what the team doctors think. Eventually that shit gets translated and circulated through the English speaking world, dummy! You are just talking out your ass and probably won't ever pitch for the Mets again. You're making 14 million dollars this year! And you're making me so mad!!!!

Wait, what am I getting so worked up about? God's chosen vessel is here in America. His presence is a soothing balm that softens the inner rankles of my soul. I thank you, your eminence, for gracing us with your righteous glory.

Robocop is love.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Apparently Paul Lo Duca does not read GMDB

Quoth Pudicus Maximus: "The fans in New York were awesome to me. I have nothing bad to say about them at all. They stuck behind me."

I guess we can add delusional to Big Pud's litany of transgressions and personal defects.

Catching up

In my weekend of blind rage and blind drunkenness, I totally forgot bout FYF and Monday's pumpitude enhancement. So I'll make it a quickie two-fer and we can both get back to our incredibly meaningful and important lives.

First off, fuck you, Mets training staff. Can't you keep anyone healthy? In case you didn't notice, a lot of our proven veterans require a different workout regime and daily supplements.

Now to get pumped up right, please enjoy Faith No More and the Boo Ya Tribe with their scintillating team up on Another Body Murder, from The Judgment Night Soundtrack, an album that far outshone the motion picture it was allegedly supporting (I say it was vice versa). Obviously it is the bodies of the Washington Nationals that are to murdered.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Shea Stadium Checking IN

It was good to see the Amazings finally beat the Phils. When I interviewed my fellow Korean co-teachers about this, the following transpired:

Me-Su-ah the Mets stopped their skid against Philly at 9

Su-ah-Oh Learry, what's mean?

Me-My favorite baseball team beat one of their rivals!

Su-ah-Pardon please! Just a moment

Me-Joe from New York. Mets from New York. Mets win.

Su-ah-Have a good time.

Go Jets.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Ballpark review: New Nationals' Stadium

I know the trendy topic in the metsblogsphere at the moment is to discuss why it's not yet time to push the panic button on the poopy start of the season, but I'm still too hyped from the Giants Superbowl win to honestly get worked about about April baseball records (neener neener, Jets fans). Besides, I'd rather save my outrage for if and when the shit really collides with the ventilator.

In other news that I'd rather write about, I visited the new Nationals' ballpark (appropriately named Nationals Park) on Monday for the second regular season game ever played at the venue. The whole event was reasonably enjoyable, if for no other reason then that it complimented my trip to the second to last regular season game ever played at the old stadium with a pleasing symmetry.

The game itself was a complete turd. Both starting pitchers were gone by the 4th inning, though the presidents race was exciting. It was also colder than a witch's teton and the NCAA championship was on. But still, they were giving away free t-shirts in between innings, and I ALMOST got one!

Here are a couple of pictures from my shitty camera phone.

Not quite the same crowd as Opening Day (which some Nats fans seem to be really stressing about. Personally, I don't see the big deal, but that's probably because I don't give a shit about the Nats).

The most impressive feature about the place is the enormous HD center field screen, which is quite good at showing off Dmitri Young's enormous dome piece. Other than, it's your pretty standard $620 million stadium. I give it a B/B-.

The most obvious features about the place are it's overt mallparkification. The grass is neat and pretty and the outfield wall is angular and of varied heights, but with a different coat of paint the place could be any team's new stadium. The closest the place comes to identifying with Washington is a singular food stand named the Dupont Deli. Whatever the hell Dupont Circle has to do with a sandwich shop in a ballpark by the Anacostia is beyond me, but at least its something.

Hopefully CitiField will have a few more identifiable features besides a Playstation demo space, but I fear most of negative mallpark affects are unavoidable. Once you buy a ticket, you are a captive audience, and MLB will stop at nothing until all your monies are belong to them. If Mr. Fenway or Mr. Wrigley were able to conceive of and build such ruthlessly efficient money extracting contraptions I'm sure they would have too. It's not like baseball teams in the 1910's were charities.

It will also be interesting to see how the neighborhood around the stadium develops. Let's be clear though, that stadium will not HELP the area gentrify. If anything, the Navy Yard (or whatever they end up calling the place) is going to be developed DESPITE of the stadium. I'm too lazy to look up the economics (but here is a good place to start), but its just common sense that tells you baseball stadiums are horribly inefficient uses of space. And comparing this situation to Camden Yards is a horrible analogy. The Inner Harbour was already the central business district of Baltimore before they built Camden (or the Ravens Stadium for that matter). Furthermore, Federal Hill and the rest of the area was already getting redeveloped. Camden affected zero change to the neighborhood, except possibly boost some restaurant sales during some of the home games.

Anyway, point is, the area around Nats Park consists of cranes, new empty office buildings, and total shit. It be great if it become a hip place to be, but there's a lot working against it. The surrounding area is hemmed in by rivers, the actual Navy Yard and I-395. There's a reason the place was garbage dump before the Washington Nationals were even a glimmer in either Bud Selig and Anthony's Williams' equally beady eyes.

I think I've now sufficiently digressed to the point where I'm too bored with the topic to proof read for typos. Sorry so sloppy. To sum up, HOLY SHIT IS THAT FUCKING FRUIT PARFAIT?

Monday, April 7, 2008

Pumpitude Enhancement: Turn your guts into snakes

Going 0-2 during the weekend against the braves definitely requires dialing up your pumpitutde, especially with it being on off day. The season is still early and there will be plenty of time for revenge, but this is unacceptable. You can't waste your Santana starts like that.

Luckily, the intro for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie is just the prescription for a such a diagnosis. As you can see, there's never too serious a problem the Mets can't headbutt there way out of.

Friday, April 4, 2008

F You Friday: Timmy Pudson

Tim Hudson's biggest crimes against humanity are merely being the Braves' starter for their season opener against the Mets and appropriating a name that should be reserved solely for rivers that run by the greatest city in the world and its titular explorers. Other than that, Timothy hasn't done all that much to engender any deep burning hatred from me. But being a Brave is still enough, so fuck 'em.

I also found this tee-rarded picture of Hudson on the internets.

I'd also like to extend a reverse FYF to Mike Hampton. Hamtonzofun is by far my favorite Brave. Not only did he give the second best year of his career to the Mets in (2000: 217 innings of 142+ ERA) but he's spent most of the rest of his career since sabotaging the Braves rotation. The list of injuries he's suffered is laughable. Hah! That list indeed tickles my funny bone!

Hamtone hasn't pitched since 2005 and by the end of this season the Braves will have paid him $48.5 million samolians in 6 years for a grand total of 72 starts, plus whatever he's able to pitch this year, if he ever comes back from his current stint on the DL. Mike Hampton literally got rich by screwing over the Braves. That is totally my dream job.

Game time is 7:05 p.m - now lets fucking do this Mr. Maine, shall we?

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

We're doing what can't be done - mind over matter

I have some horrible news folks. Not only did we lose in extra innings last night, but I've just learned that today is cute coffee girl's last day on the job. I don't know too much else about the situation because after over hearing someone wish her good luck on her new job this conversation ensued.

me: so, you're leaving?

cute coffee girl: yeah...

me: well, uh, see you later!

At that point I had not actually gotten my coffee yet either so the exchange of money for coffee was doubly awkward. ugh.

But undaunted, I shall sally forth, as will our indomitable Metsies. For inspiration, please fast forward to the 3 minute mark on this video clip and listen to the fortifying lyrics of E.G. Daily. Cheers.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Chipper i love you