Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Non baseball crap! Entourage - Episode 4: Prank Dat Soulja Bro!

*** Ed. note - FYI - this post is very long - if you don't have the time or inclination to read the whole thing, there is a short, short condensed version in the comments. or you could ignore the whole post and do something productive with your life. The choice is yours.

The episode starts with Ari closing the door to his Mercedes S600 with his iPhone at his ear.

A: I don't want to hear any excuses Lloyd, I've told you a hundred times already, you need to run interference with Mrs. Gold on this one for me.

L: But Ari, I really think your wife is getting suspicious. She knows you weren't taking Muay Thai lessons yesterday.

A: Hey, Lloyd - who is getting you tickets to see Justin Timberlake that are so close to the stage you'll be able to catch the sweat dripping off his taint?

L: I know Ari but -

A: No buts Lloyd - just keep my wife off my back or you'll be crying me a river after I fire your ass!

Ari hangs up the phone, looks around and then dashes into a store front. We then see that Mrs. Gold watching in a car with a girlfriend.

Mrs G: That son of a bitch!

Mrs Gold gets out and slams the door as her girlfriend shouts words of encouragement to her. She gets to the storefront and peers around the corner into the window. She sees Ari smiling and chatting it up with a really hot saleswoman who then points to her neck, which leads directly to a very exposed and ample display of cleavages. Ari then nods and they both walk behind a curtain to the back of the store together.

Mrs G watching: Mother-

Mrs G swings open the door, storms in and yells: Ari, you piece of shit!

There are a few seconds of silence and then Ari yells from behind the curtain: Fuck!

Mrs G looks stunned as Ari walks out looking annoyed and the cleavaged woman walks out looking sorry. A: Lloyd owes you a pair of JustinTimberlake tickets.

Mrs G: Ari - what? how could? What the fuck is going on you motherfucker?

A: Baby, I can understand and appreciate every thought that's running through your head right now, and I'm sorry you had to think them, but this is a complete misunderstanding and you're going to laugh about this later.

Mrs G: Laugh about what? You and this whore?

Cleavage woman frowns and looks at Ari. Ari gives her a 'hold-on-dont-worry-about-it' look.

A: No baby, about that fact that you thought I was cheating on you when I was just sneaking around this JEWELERY STORE so I could surprise you with this incredibly fabulous and VERY EXPENSIVE 15th year anniversary gift.

Ari then pulls out a box with a really expensive blinged out necklace.

Mrs G: Oh my god Ari that is incredible! Oh - I'm sorry I was so jealous.

A: Please, baby, if I was going to cheat on you I would have done it with your best friend Karrie who was begging to give me a tug job after you passed out during our vacation in Aruba.

Mrs G: Oh Ari... You're like that untamable bad ass that says and does totally rude things that make women go crazy for you, but then deep down you are sensitive and don't follow through and actually hurt the people who fall in love with you, like you would expect someone to do with your attitude.

A: I know. I'm like this totally unbelievable fictional man that doesn't exist anywhere.

Mrs G: I'm so lucky you got me pregnant.

A: Speaking of which, I need to get back to the office so I can keep working. Then tonight I'm going to come home and you can give me my present, and you know what I want.

Mrs G: Of course, Ari, you lovable rascal, you gave me expensive jewelery so now you can fuck my mouth!

The scene cuts to Vince's awesome apartment where Turtle and Drama are playing Nintendo Wii.

T: Fuck your mouth Diddy Kong! Suck it Drama - I just fucked your mouth!

D: Fuck you Turtle, this is bullshit.

T: All day Drama, I've been fucking your mouth all day.

D: You know Turtle, there's a difference between being good at a video game, and being a good sport, and you sir, are a miserable cunt of a sport.

T: Yeah well your mouth is my cunt tonight! Suck another one be-otch! Beeyoooooo!!!

Drama throws his Wiimote on the floor: Screw you asshole!

T: Oh don't be such a cry baby Drama, I'll let you win next time.

D: Oh I'll get you next time Turtle, but it won't be in another round of Mario Cart. No I'm going to get you back when you're not expecting it. And it'll hurt. And then you'll know what it's like to suffer this kind of abuse.

T: Yeah, well then you better think of something good, because it's got to feel pretty terrible to have a guy fuck your mouth for as long as I've been.

Eric and Vince walk in. E: Are you two lovers having another fight?

D: Up yours, E.

E: Hold on, Vince's publicist, whatshername, is calling.

T: Ooh, let me take this call.

Eric hands the phone to Turtle. T: Hey sweetheart, you going out with me tonight?

Publicist: Turtle I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on Earth, you dicklicking dickless limpdick. Put Vince on the phone, now, before I castrate you and then ass rape your mother with your own dick, you no dick having ass fuck.

T: Ooh I love it when you talk like that to me. Here Vince, you better take this, I think she's PMSing pretty hard right now.

V: Hey feisty publicist lady, how is everything about my life that you take care of?

P: Perfect Vince, I'm taking care of everything and all of your publicity is going great. Everyone in Hollywood loves you and you are very rich.

V: Hey great, Thanks for calling.

P: No problem, Vince, talk to you later.

E: So, what are you two doing tonight?

T: I gotta go take Arnold to the vet.

V: Anything wrong?

T: No Arnold is healthy as a horse, just his regular check up.

E: What about you Drama?

D: I'm going stay in and practice. I can't take losing to this disrespectful jerk anymore.

V: Alright, well me and Vince are going to go out to the clubs, see you guys later.

Later, at the club, Vince and Eric and mingling with super hot babes while the newest rap hits are booming over the clubs speakers.

E: So Vince, who are you going to be taking home tonight?

V: I guess anyone that I want.

E: Yeah, I guess you will. Really, any woman here in the club, and probably half the guys, would fuck you right now.

V: I know.

V: So what about you Eric?

E: Well I'll probably meet some hot yet down to earth girl who I can just be honest with. We probably won't have sex tonight but we'll go out a few more times and hopefully develop a meaningful relationship.

V: Yeah you've done that many times before, haven't you?

E: Yes, that's all I ever do. Kind of like how you just go from one meaningless sex partner to another.

V: Yeah, we are pretty predictable that way, aren't we? But you know what, as long as it's always with hot babes, whose complaining?

E: Not me bro!

V: Me neither!

Eric and Vince toast.

The scene cuts back to the house and Turtle is bringing Arnold back from the vet.

T: Yeah Arnold that's a good boy. Now I know your hungry so lets get you something to eat!

D: Hey, uh, Turtle, before you take care of Arnold how about we smoke some bud first?

T: This will only take a second, Drama.

D: Well how about you go get your stash for me, now, and then I'll pack the bong for both of us while you go get Arnold his food.

T: Fine Drama, damn you are pushy sometimes.

Turtle goes into the other room as Drama smirks. Then you hear commotion and dog barking from the other room as Drama sits back on the couch while holding the Wiimote and laughing.

T: Drama god damn it, you put bacon strips in my bag of weed and Arnold came in and ate the whole thing!

D: Karmic payback, motherfucker.

T: Yeah well now neither of have any weed and my connect is on vacation until next week.

D: That's OK, I smoked up before you got home so I'll be good until then.

T: Drama, that is low, you know I am going to get you back for this.

D: Now who's being a baby? Look, just whatever you do, remember that I have to shoot my show tomorrow and you can't do anything that will mess up my job.

T: Oh we'll see about that Drama, we'll see.

We then cut to Eric waking up in some bed with a hot babe.

E: Oh my god, I can't believe we did it last night. I mean, no offense, it was amazing, and so are you, but I must have been drunk. Normally I don't do that the first night I meet someone.

Girl: Hey me neither. Like never! But it was great for me too, and I think you're great too.

E: Hey cool - so we both had a little slutty one night stand but because we were so honest to each other in the morning we can still have a serious relationship.

G: What a crazy unpredictable twist!

E: Truly amazing. Hey I wonder how Vince is doing.

Scene cuts to Vince waking up in bed with the hottest babe ever.

V: I can't believe we didn't sleep together last night. For some reason it just didn't feel right.

Babe: That must be so unusual for you.

V: It really is. This has been such a crazy and unpredictable night for me.

B: Well, we can still have a whole bunch of dirty sex now if you want.

V: Yeah, I would like that, that would be just fine.

The scene cuts to the set where Drama works. He is going over lines when Ari runs into him.

D: Ari, what are you doing here? I didn't think I was an important enough client to you to see by myself.

A: What can I say Johnny, I'm feeling in a really good mood today and I want to spread the love. You see it was my anniversary last night and my wife let me fuck her mouth.

T: Hey what a coincidence, last night I fucked Dramas' mou-

A: Shut the fuck up Turtle, you're interrupting an important business meeting.

T: Uh, you mean I'm interrupting Ari bullshit you while he waits for Vince to show up?

D: Wait, Vince is coming?

T: Yeah Vince is coming. So is E. I called everybody. We're all here to support you in your show, Drama.

Vince and Eric walk up.

E: So Turtle, whats so important that you wanted us all here?

A: Yeah Turtle, I could have stayed home and fucked my wife's mouth again.

T: Hey, can't a bro invite his other bros to come out and support his main bro?

D: Look, I'm glad you're all here, but if you'll excuse me I have to go get ready for my scene.

Drama walks off and Eric runs after him.

E: Drama, wait up. Hey, you have to know Turtle is pulling some kind of prank, right? That's the only reason he would have called us all here.

D: Got that covered bro. See, Turtle's flaw was trying to get Frank in wardrobe to betray me. Frank's a huge Viking Quest fan and he tipped me off that Turtle paid him 50 bucks to write the word FAG on the back of my shirt. I told the whole crew and they're cool so now I just want to get this over with. Especially since all the executive producers are going to be on set for a visit today.

E: Ok, well good luck. I wouldn't underestimate Turtle when it comes to pranks, though.

D: Don't worry E, I'm on to Turtle's scheme this time.

Eric walks back to the gang and Drama goes and does his scene. After a line or two of dialogue he takes his jacket off to reveal a shirt that says FAG in big letters. The whole crew laughs including some old dudes in suits that look like executive producers and the director.

Drama fakes shock and outrage. D: Oh my gosh, who could have snuck in to my wardrobe and written this slanderous insult on my shirt? Goodness this is a terrible prank that just been pulled on me.

Most of the crew then stop laughing but Turtle, Eric, Vince, Ari, the director and the producers all continue to laugh hysterically. They are also no not looking at Drama but at a TV screen in front of the director.

D: Hey Turtle, your little joke wasn't that funny, bro.

Eric in between laughs: I don't know Drama, this is pretty fucking hilarious.

D: What the fuck are you talking about? I told you about the prank before.

E: Yeah, well, um, Drama? You better come take a look at this.

Drama walks over and see everyone looking at a screen of footage from a hand held camcorder that shows Drama hunched over in his dressing room jerking off to an issue of Variety. You can hear through the video that Drama is reading a positive review of one of his shows repeating a line that mentions his name over and over again. All of Drama's friends and co-workers are watching and laughing at him.

T: Ha HA, Drama! I filmed that two months ago and was saving it for just the right time. Now I fucking got you with the ultimate prank! Suck one, faggot!

A: Holy shit, Drama, Turtle is fucking your mouth more than even I fucked my wife's mouth!

E: Hey don't feel that bad, Drama. I mean, it was an awesome prank.

V: Look bro, sometimes you just gotta take a joke. I mean, whats the worst that could happen? I'll always be your brother, and I'll always be obscenely rich.

D: Yeah, good point bro. I guess this is kind of funny.

Executive Producer 1: Well Drama, you certainly know how to role with the punches.

Executive Producer 2: Yes, you're displaying quite a bit of character right now. I like an actor with character.

EP1: Me too. And you know, we're looking for an actor with character to play the leading role in our new show, Law and Order: Los Angeles K-9 Unit. Do you think Drama is our man?

EP2: Absolutely I do. Well what do you say Drama?

D: Yes, I mean yeah I would love that.

A: Hey Drama, now that you're going to be a real actor, I'll take you on as a real client and even treat you with a little respect.

T: And I just found more weed in my pocket that I forgot about!

V: Hey everybody, lets go out tonight and celebrate!

E: Lets do it guys. We deserve it. We really do.

The End.


Goob Pistol said...

Wow, it must be really en vogue to take Muay Thai lessons these days.

Shea Stadium said...

Too long to be funny -- clearly the shitty education you received at short bus hills didn't properly teach you to streamline your writing. Grade--F--

Ken Dynamo said...

Yes it is very long - here is the short, short version:

Ari's wife think he is cheating on him and follows him to a store, where she thinks she catches him having an affair. turns out he was just buying her expensive jewelery. they all have a good laugh and she agrees to let ari fuck her mouth.

then turtle and drama fight and drama says hes going to get turtle back for metaphorically fucking dramas mouth.

Vince's publicist calls to tell vince everything is going awesomely.

eric and vince go to a club and see lots of hot babes while popular rap music is being played.

turtle discovers that dramas prank is to have his dog eat all of his pot. he vows revenge on drama for this.

eric and vince both have sex.

the next day turtle calls everyone to tell them to come watch drama on the set of his tv show, where he is planning to prank him. everyone arrives and drama tells eric that he knows turtle is planning to prank him by having him wear a shirt that says FAG on it and he is fine with it and just wants to get it over with. The prank happens to dramas' "suprise" but then everyone keeps laughing well after the joke should have been over. it turns out that writing FAG on dramas shirt was just a red herring, and turtle's actual prank was to play a video of drama jerking off to a positive review of his show in variety that he had secretly videotaped months ago.

drama is burned but it turns out two studio executives are there to witness the prank and decide that drama handled himself well in a tough situation and offer him the lead role in a new hit show. drama agrees, turtle finds more pot, and everyone is super happy about how totally sweet all their lives are.

thats as streamlined as i can make it, dickhead. fuck chaminade. go st anthony's.

Jeff V said...

I thought it was great. For a second I thought I might be the only person that noticed that nothing bad ever happens to anyone on Entourage.