Thursday, May 29, 2008

'Stop trippin' over Big Willie's style

Major Media outlets like ESPN and big time blogs like Deadspin (the ESPN of the internets) are all in a froth over the New York 'Mess'. Ho ho ho, the Mets are an out of control trainwreck steaming into Suck City! OMFG, why don't the Mets all just give up and fucking hang themselves!!!

I have a better idea, assholes:
The Mets are currently 4.5 games behind those the Marlins but based on Pythagorean wins they are only a half a game back. Of course they would still be behind the Phillies and Braves based on Pythag wins, but the point is its a long season so take your naysaying and cram it, Leitch.

Also this "WillieWatch" nonsense is starting to piss me off. Rather than add my worthless opinion, I'll just cut and paste Baseball Prospectus' Joe Sheehan's educated science:
Willie Randolph is managing an aging, injury-prone roster that he did not assemble. While he clearly is responsible for some of the Mets’ problems, and he has not acquitted himself well of late, the biggest issues facing the team are the availability and performance of 20 percent of the payroll for an organization that does not have MLB-ready replacements on hand on its bench or in its farm system. Omar Minaya’s gambles on risky players paid off in 2006, but in 2008, they’re losing bets that are the biggest reasons for the Mets’ underachievement. This doesn’t mean he should be fired, either; it does mean that this management team should be permitted to finish what they started, mistakes and all.
Yeah, exactly. Thank you, Joe. So why aren't all you jerks calling for Omar to be fired? He's the one who assembled this collection of overpaid under achievers. At least a certain ESPN of Mets blogs is no longer selling those retarded "In Omar We Trust" t-shirts. God, I hated those fucking shirts.

I think everyone needs to just relax and enjoy this clip of Arnold quotes from the Running Man.

The Running Man was one of my all time favorite movies as a prepubescent loser. I remember desperately requesting my Mom rent the video cassette tape from the old Palmer Video but when she asked one of the video clerks if it was a good movie for kids the stupid jerk told her 'No, it's just 2 hours of Arnold finding clever ways to kill costumed bad guys." Obviously when my Mom told me that I only wanted to see it more, so I did what any kid does when they wanted to watch a movie their parents won't let them. I went to a friend's house whose parents didn't care.

That was also they only way I was going to see the original Terminator movie and Linda Hamilton's awesome bewbies. AND THAT IS WHY ARNOLD IS NUMERO UNO.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

To the world: Sacre Bleu!

Another Mets loss, another cavalcade of bitching and moaning. I've had it with this crap. Baseball is supposed to be an enjoyable distraction from life's monotonous routine. And if I can't enjoy baseball, then I can't enjoy life. And if I can't enjoy life, than I say GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR.

That's all she wrote, good bye Mets, good bye world, good bye the big fat fucking joke of life.

Wait, I'm not ready to give up yet. I've yet to learn the identiy of the 12th Cylon. Let's give pumpitude enhancement one more shot. Mr. Mustaine, another song please.

Mercie beacoup, mon frere.

Friday, May 23, 2008

More a-holes for the suckfest

A two game sweep of the Yanquis is pretty sweet. A four game series sweep BY the Braves is FUCKING AWFUL.

So now Big Will's head is on the proverbial chopping block whether he deserves it or not.

Randolph: "So this kinda sucks."

I'm pretty ambivalent to whether Willie stays or goes. I basically agree that managers in the long run mean fuck all to a team's success. At the same time, Willie's most important job is spin control and dealing with da mejia, and he's been sucking up a big suckstorm lately in that respect. Plus it's a lot easier to fire managers than players. So if the Wilpons deign that it is time for Randolph's head to roll, I won't raise fuss (and I will give credit to Craigers for calling it first).

But either way the Mets are playing like a bunch of assholes at a suckfest convention and it's pissing me right off. Get your shit together assholes. Or just have fun at your big suckfest convention, you fucking assholes.

The Mets don't play the Marlins in Miami until July 28th but I've already got the footage of them checking in to the International Inn for the series (NSFW for awesome swearing).

Have fun and sober Memorial Day weekend, everyone. I won't.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

GMDB sells out: rolls deep in bling, pink

It's time to blow this blog stand and strike out for greener pastures. I've graduated to the big show! Later sk8ers, so long, suckuhs!!!

Actually no, I won't be quitting my retarded, mutant love-child that is GMDB, I would miss drawing all those veiny penises on MSPaint far too much. What I mean to say is that the the respectable and thoroughly enjoyable Mets blog-of-record, Flushing University has stupefyingly asked me to contribute a weekly column, to which I obviously agreed to do.

So I'll still be here most of the time with the same old 3rd grade level of discourse (apologies to any FU readers who have found there way here. And yes, it gets worse), the only difference is personally I will be doing more expensive, trendier drugs and will no longer pay for sex.

But in all seriousness, if you bizarrely read this site and aren't aware of Flushing University, please check it out immediately. They have any amazing collection of talent writing for them that I scarcely add to, some real heavyweights in the Mets Blogosphere, and I'm pretty stoked to be part of it.

They (er, we?) also have the best daily Mets feature, by far, on the 'net, the incomparable Mack Attack. I am totally serial, guys, the Mack Attack is legit. Rekanize.

Ok, fanboy fawning aside, in other site news, I will be out of town and away from computers from today until the 23rd and there will be no posts here in the meantime (tho the Flushing U column will run) Doing what? Glad you ask, building homes in Katrina ravaged St. Bernard's Parish. Why? Because I am such a good person, of course. Haha, no its because I want to tell women that in hopes that it will increase their likelihood of sleeping with me.

Wish me luck!

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Devil wears Martin Prado

I just watched The Devil Wears Prada on HBO and found the movie completely underwhelming. I'll tell you more about after I get pumped up with some good ol' fashioned American industrial metal. Put on your viking helmets and start swinging your sledgehammers, its Al Jourgenson and Ministry!

Unfortunately Ministry never did a real video for Deity so instead we have to settle for some wierdo's high school AV class project. You can also listen to some of the live versions on youtube but I wouldn't recommend it.

If I had to pick a favorite Ministry album it would definitely be a tie between The Land of Rape and Honey and The Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Taste. Ho ho!

Anyway, back to the Devil Wears Prada. I found the whole thing to be devastatingly retarded (surprise, surprise). First, there's the whole premise of the roman a clef turned motion picture. "Oh no, my boss is a total mega-bitch. I'm going to totally expose her bitchiness in my seriously bitchin' novel. Yeah, I'm so awesome. Bitches."

The central thesis of the movie revolved around the idea that you were supposed to feel bad for this Andy Sachs character, but this was predicated on the total horseshit notion that when running a business, everyone must be incredibly nice and pleasant to each other at all times. Furthermore, we should all be shocked that a business woman actually fucks people over to increase both her personal power and fortune. If this Miranda person was a guy he'd just look like a ruthlessly efficient titan of industry instead of a heartless and petty monstrosity.

What's that you say? But Miranda didn't let Emily go to PARIS??? Oh god, the horror!!! Who fucking cares about fucking Paris? Learn to deal with disappointment you dumb slut. Suck it up and do your job or fucking quit.

Compounding my viewing displeasure was the movie's intimate focus on the fashion industry, a billion dollars a year enterprise that could not be more stunningly worthless. At one point, Miranda's character goes on about the color of Andrea's ugly sweater to show how the fashion industry affects us all, whether we like it or not. So fucking what? Fashion is still the most useless waste of time and resources since the Springfield Monorail. Clothes exist to to keep people warm and to stop them from being naked. Any additional significance assigned to them beyond those basic utilities is purely masturbatory.

But thats when I had the epiphany that allowed me to tangentially link The Devil Wears Prada to baseball and a potential GMDB post. What dawned on me was that sports, a billion-dollar a year business, was as equally useless to the world as fashion, and my bewilderment with the fashion business was analogous to a non-sports fashion puzzlement with the degree of enthusiasm and excitement us sports fans get from following our favorite team.

You can justify this obsessions anyway you want, but at some point you come to the fact that your just indulging yourself in pointless, nonsensical distractions, whether your predilections include sports, or fashion, or any other silly topic used to sell magazines.

I guess the point I'm really trying to make is this: I went to high school with Anne Hathaway, the co-star who plays Andrea Sachs and I saw her bewbs in another movie called Havoc. S0 now thats TWO girls I went to high school with whose bewbies I've seen.

You too can see Anne's tetons. Check it out.

Yeah, score.

Friday, May 9, 2008

FYF: go eff yourself, San Diego

Good job, Padres. You really are the worst, aren't you? Can't even win one god damn game against the Braves? Worthless. A collection of worthless assholes.

Also your city blows. 'America's Finest City'? More like, 'Mexico's Finest City'.

So besides getting PWNed by the shittiest franchise in sports, what else are you good for? Well let's see, you're good at getting arrested, good at getting nerds whipped up into a frenzy, good at starting blogs and then giving up due to a complete lack of heart, and finally, for having a movie made about you that was funny the first couple times but then gets ruined by having the lines repeated insufferably on terrible internet blogs.

True story: I was walking around San Diego one day and this guy started licking my balls.

You suck it the pieness, Padres. Try to imitate a professional ball club next time you go out there why dontcha? Fucking worthless assholes.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

How to properly convey your displeasure with Willie Randolph

I would like address issue of Willie Randolph's performance as the New York Mets' team manager. It all reminds me of the humorous story of the traveling salesman.

So lets say that the average Mets fan is a farmer, and Willie Randolph is a salesman. Well the farmer says, "You can spend the night in my barn, but do me a favor and don't stick your wiener into any of the three holes in the wall."

And in this case, the salesman's wiener represents the Mets fans' money.

So Willie Randolph, like the salesman, can't help himself, and sticks is wiener in the first hole and it feels good. He sticks is wiener in the second hole and it feels even better. He sticks his wiener in the third hole and it hurts like hell and it won't let go!

Well in the morning, the farmer comes out and he explains: Behind the first hole was my wife, behind the second hole was my daughter, and behind the third hole was an automatic milking machine that doesn't shut off until it gets fifty gallons!

Gentleman, I propose that Willie Randolph's performance as a manager is like an automatic milking machine, and unless we terminate his contract immediately its going to rip our dicks right off!

Monday, May 5, 2008

Monday Pumpitude - Cobrastyle

Y'know for a team thats half a game out of first and 3 games over .500 you'd think people would be a lot happier about things. But it seems Mets fans, myself included, are expecting a little more this year. So tough shit Big Willie and Omar, your asses are on the line whether you like it or not.

The Mets did just take a series from the Arizona D-Bags, and whether you believe it or not, they are currently the best team in the NL, so lets change the vibe of our pumpitude enhancement and get things crackin with Robyn and the Teddybears.

You may remember Swedish pop star Robyn from such hits as Show Me Love and some other shit. The Teddybears are a radical synthpop group, also from Sweden. I first heard of Teddybears years ago in Europe when they were still called Teddybears STHLM. How cool does that make me?


So what do those lyrics mean? Whats up with the bear masks? Is Cobrastyle something the Mets want to try? Beats me. All i know is I would totally do Robyn.

Friday, May 2, 2008

FYF: Barry Zito

Why would I still be bitter at Barryl Zino for rejecting the Mets in free agency two years ago when he sucks tremendous ass now to the point of being relegated to the bullpen? Well, because I'm not really, but he is still a butt head and I'm on a tight schedule today and I already made this joke about the picture below yesterday in the comments of an Amazin Avenue post. You know what they say, re-use, re-new, re-cylce, re-bocop.

After this year, the Giants still owe him NINETY-SIX MILLION DOLLARS. Nice allocation of resources San Francisco. Think of all the delicious Wendy's Junior Bacon Classics you could have had for the money you wasted on this poopscicle. Yeah, thats a lot of JBCs. Nice.