Friday, November 30, 2007

We got raped

So we gave up this:

and got this:

and some other douche named Snyder or some shit.

Great. We got played by Jim fucking Bowden.

Good job Omar. You fucking Omar.

For real anal(raping)ysis see Klaw's take.

What? You don't have ESPN insider you penurious jerk? Here is a quote:

"[Scheider] is the definition of replacement level and paying him $10 million is bad enough. Giving up something of value to acquire that contract is horrible. It would be better to pay Johnny Estrada $3-4 million to be bad for one year than Schneider over $10 million to be worse for two years."

This could get ugly.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Entourage Episode 2: It Feels Good to Be Back on Top

Eric pulls up to a LA mansion in his Maserati sports car. Vince coolly walks out of the house, hugs a fine ass babe, puts on sunglasses, waves and gets in Eric's car.

E: Looks like last night was a success.

V: I would call it a success, yes.

E: Such a success that you'll ever call this girl again?

V: Cassandra? Hmmm... probably not.

E: Unbelievable.

V: Well what about your new girl, did you two have a success while I was gone?

E: You mean fuck her? I don't need to fuck Bethany for it to be a success, Vince.

V: That's my boy, E, without you, who would keep romance alive.

E: Certainly not you. But listen, we need to talk more about Thundercats.

V: Do we really? E, I just spent all day clearing my head, the last thing I want to do is cloud it up by discussing a movie about talking cats.

E: Well Ari has been driving me batshit calling about it. If you don't do Thundercats you need to do something.

V: You know what I want to do? Get Medellin distribution.

E: Allright, if I talk to Ari about Medellin will you at least read the Thundercats script.

V: Sure E, whatever you say.

E: Great, I'll call Ari as soon as we get back.

The scene shift to Drama and Turtle walking down a trendy Hollywood boulevard.

T: So you're going to make me get a rub and tug alone, Drama?

D: Sorry Turtle, now that I'm on a primetime network program I can't risk getting caught on camera coming out of one of those places.

T: Like anyone gives a shit who jerks you off.

D: Regardless Turtle, I'm getting my next piece of ass the old fashion way.

T: Fine, then comes with me to the bar and help me pick up chicks.

D: You really want to go to a singles bar, Turtle? Singles bars are so... desperate.

T: I am desperate, Drama!

D: God, you must be. All right, Turtle, I will do everything in my power to help you get laid tonight.

T: Thank you.

D: Nah, you know what bro, we're doing more than just taking some home some one night stand, we're going for the holy grail of hook ups.

T: Now you're talking.

D: Turtle, today, we will be having threesomes!

Turtle and Drama high five.

The action moves to Eric pacing the house waiting for Ari to answer.

A: Eric, what the fuck is up? And don't say your diminutive Irish prick, because Lloyd is already fully turgid, any more excitement and his going to ruin his new iMac that I just bought the whole office.

L: Ari, leave poor Eric alone!

E: I called to talk about Medellin, Ari.

A: Holy shit you must have read my mind, I was about to bring up Medellin. I though leprechauns just hoarded pots of gold at the end of rainbows, I didn't know they had ESP too. Have you been banging Miss Cleo, Eric?

E: Will you shut the fuck up and just say whatever is it is you've got to say about Medellin?

A: How about you and Vince get dressed up and meet me tonight at the new fancy Pan-Asian cuisine restaurant so you can meet our new bankroll.

E: We got funding or Medellin? That's great news.

A: Not just yet, E, that's what dinner is for, so don't ruin your appetite.

Ari hangs up and turns to Lloyd: All right Lloyd, get me those reservations. And not at the places you like to go, my leather pants and ball gag haven't come back from the try cleaners.

L: You are going to get yourself into a heap of trouble with that talk one of these days, Ari Gold.

A: Oh, Lloyd, this would be so less fun if you were black.

It is now later at night and Vince and Eric walk into the fancy restaurant to meet Vince, who is sitting with an older gentleman.

A: Boys, come here, I want to introduce you to the man of the hour, Mr. Don Helmut.

DH: Vince! I'm a huge fan!

V: Don, pleasure to meet you.

E: Hi Don, I'm Eric Murphy.

DH: Eric! Vince! Boys! Let me ask you, have you guys ever been down on your luck?

E: Well I wouldn't say we've had bad luck but we certainly went through pretty tough time while shooting this movie.

V: Of course it was all a labor of love.

DH: Well if you've ever been done before, let me tell you, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK ON TOP!

A: Hear, hear!

E: Does that mean you want to fund Medellin and give us distribution?

DH: Listen boys, I used to be the biggest swinging dick in all of Hollywood during the 70's and 80's. But then I hit a rough patch and fell on hard times. Lots of coke, lots of hookers, a few snuff films. It wasn't pretty. But NOW I'M BACK BABY. And I want you to be part of the winning team!

A: Don's back in business and all in with Medellin. So, I'd say we have ourselves a deal.

E: Uh, yeah, I think we got ourselves a deal.

DH: Vince, do you want to be back on top?

V: I'm all in too, Don.

DH: That's what I wanted to here, of course you want to be back on top. It's fucking great at the top. Now let me ask you this, who's better than us? WHO'S FUCKING BETTER THAN US?

A: No one Don, absolutely no one, thats who.


Eric, Vince, Ari and Don Helmut all raise their glasses to toast being number one again.

We now join Turtle and Drama again, who are both at a hot singles bar talking to four hot babes.

D: That's right ladies, my network TV show just got picked up for a second season, so you're going to be seeing a lot more of me this coming year.

All the hot babes giggle.

T: And I'm Vincent Chase's right hand man. Which means I hang with Vince, I smoke weed with Vince, eat with Vince, rip bong hits with Vince, drive with Vince, burn dank nugs with Vince.

The babes all giggle some more.

Drama pulls Turtle aside and says: I think we got this in the bag, bro. What did I tell you?

T: Two for me and two for you. Nothing stopping us from reaching the holy grail of hook ups now.

But then, out of no where, Justin Timberlake walks into the bar.

All the babes scream: JT!!!!

JT steps in and slaps five with Drama and Turtle as he moves into the babes.

D: Yeah, Justin, how ya been? Haven't seen you since that MTV awards after party.

JT: Drama, how are you my man?

Drama pulls JT aside: Listen bro, me and my boy here were working a little threesome action each for our selves here. But seeing as you're also one of my bros, there's no need to get greedy, there's plenty of ladies to go around.

JT: Drama, come on, like I really need to have another threesome? Please.

Drama and Turtle relax as it no looks like there will be at least one babe for each of them.

JT: But what I'd really like to do is have a foursome. You, you, and you, come one, lets go bring sexy back.

Turtle and Drama see their hopes dashed as JT leads three of the hot babes aay leaving just one remaining. The babe, dejected that she didn't get picked by JT then looks at both Turtle and Drama and gives a 'whatever' smile.

T: Of all the friggin people to show up.

D: Can it Turtle, I told you we'd be having a threesome tonight so lets go.

Drama grabs the remaining babe's hand and motions to Turtle.

T: Again? Fine, just don't look me in the eyes this time, Drama.

D: I know how this works Turtle just stay cool.

Turtle rolls his eyes and says: Come on honey, lemme show you where Vince takes his dump.

He then says aside to Drama: I call the back this time.

D: You had the back last time, thats not fair!

T: Yeah but I called it.

And the two continue to argue as they exit the bar for their MMF threesome.

The End.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Welcome Casphod Torreblebrox

I was going to give Big Pud a big "see you in hell' post on account of this news, but I've devoted enough of my time to that waste of sperm and egg. Instead I'd rather take the time to welcome and introduce our newest two headed backstop.

Yorvit Castro, meet Ramon Torrealba. Or what have you.

A lot of people will be moaning about this being another example of Omar and 'Los Mets' and that Lo Duca was the only one who showed any fire or passion last year and we're going to miss him this year. Well, people are stupid. There were not a lot of good options this off season at catcher. Lets looks at what could have gone wrong.

Sign Posada for $13/mil a year for 4 years, at the end of which Posada would be 41. Also give up our 1st round draft pick. May be one of those contract years will work in the Mets favor. Posada is not worth it the way Pedro was. Pass.

Trade what little prospect chips we have for Ramon Hernendez or Whats his name Paulino or someone else who sucks. Sorry, we need those prospects to at least try and make a run at an ace. Pass.

Sign Lo Duca for 2 years at, lets say $5mil each (just a wild guess, he made 6/year and did not have a *horrible* year coming off his contract). This, I'm gathering, is the most popular alternative. Great, you want to pay Lo Duca for his declining years. HE IS THIRTY EFFING FIVE. That is not the red zone for catchers, that is the dead zone. Look up all the productive 36+ catchers. Go ahead. Lets see what we got, Carlton Fisk and uh... uh... 1 year of Posada? Yup, thats it. Lo Duca's OPS+ was 80 last year. Guess which way its headed. Oh plus he can't play defense worth squat anymore, and last time I checked, that was a pretty important part of being a catcher (unless your last name is Piazza). And for the sake of brevity, I will skip the personality stuff. Needless to say, PASS.

That bring us to Yorstro Castroalba. Castroalba will cost at most $7mil a year for two years. Yes, Yorvit Torrealba had a crappy batting average away from Coors last year. But he is 28 and his career OPS+ is 80 (hmm.. where have I seen that number before?). OPS+ takes park affects into account. He also, shoulder problems this year aside, plays nasty defense. Yorvit is going to be a weak hitting (but not that weak, get over his low batting average) defensive stud. We have not had a good fielding catcher in a looooong time. I am looking forward to it. Castro has incredible power and for only being $4mil for 2 years, is a bargain. And his bad back will be mitigated by his role as a back up.

OK, this is not perfect situation. Yorvit's contract looks way to big, both players have weaknesses, neither player bangs 19 year old babysitters or have gambling addictions, etc etc, but still, I'll take it. I'll take it and ride with it all the way to the vicinity of Betelgeuse.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Entourage Episode 1 - Sweet Bros

Our heroes are assembled around the kitchen counter in Drama's Beverly Hills condo. Drama comes out with a steaming pan of breakfast foods.

D: Dig in boys, I made a Chase family specialty this morning: Celebration eggs!

Turtle: What the fuck are you celebrating, Drama? That retarded T-Shirt you're wearing?

D: Laugh all you want Turtle, Viking Quest just got optioned for a new 're-imaging' of the series by the Sci-Fi Channel, and guess who's getting paid dividends.

D: That's great Drama, now a whole new generation of pathetic geeks will be yelling "Victory!" while playing World of Warcraft in their parent's basement.

Vince: Hey, I'm proud of you big bro, and I have some more good news that deserves celebrating.

Eric: You found some new investors for Medeillen?

V: No, don't worry about Medeillen, E, this is even better -Queens Boulevard's DVD numbers just came in, and guess who's going to make enough for us all to move out of Beverly Hills? No offense, Johnny.

D: None taken, Vince, frankly I was about to say something. You guys are starting to cramp my style.

T: Whatsamatter, Drama? Not enough privacy to jerk off 3 times a day anymore?

E: Anyway, that's great, Vince. So no more money problems?

V: Nope, no more problems. We're really back.

T: Can I get a sweet bros, cheer?

All together with raises glasses of orange juice: We're sweet bros!!!

Scene cuts to Eric driving around in his car.

E: Hey Ari, it's Eric.

A: E, how's my favorite oompa loompa? Toss any pizza dough in the magic lollipop kingdom? Lloyd! I said toss any pizza dough, not toss any salad, get your hard-on under control, you're about to explode through your Isaac Mizrahi Target Brand leather pants.

L: Ari! Do not tell E about my raging boner, he's one of the good ones!

A: Eric, Lloyd wants you to know that he is approaching the point of ejaculatory inevitability.

L: Ari!

E: That's great, Ari, look Vince is in a good mood right now and I think now is a good time to get him to sign on to a blockbuster type. You got any scripts in mind?

A: What, is he all pumped up from the QB DVD scratch coming his way?

E: Yeah, he is, you know about that all ready?

A: Of course I know about that, Eric, you stupid faggot.

L: Ari Gold!

A: Sorry, Lloyd!

E: Look Ari, You got anything or not.

A: Eric, please, of course I have the perfect script. I am the Master of all Scripts you little yeast infection. Ready for this: Thundercats, the Movie.

E: What, the kid's cartoon?

A: You bet your your sweet Cheetara licking ass, its Thundercats fucking ho, baby! You think Transformers the movie was a fluke? All those nerds who grew up in the 80's now have big bucks to spend on their childhood memories, only now they don't want some 2-bit cartoon animated by some Korean sweat shop, they want to see live action summer blockbusters that have multi-million dollar sponsorships from Chevrolet and Kibbles and Bits and whoever the fuck else the studios shake down. And those blockbusters make enough cash to keep Shia Le Bouf knee deep in underage pink for years.

E: OK, I'm sold, but do you think Vince will want to do a live-action cartoon?

A: That's not my job, limp dick, that's yours, now get it done.

Eric hangs up and the action cuts to Turtle and and Drama walking through a Best Buy.

D: OK Turtle, explain to me what we're doing here?

T: Calm down, Drama, I got a connection.

D: When you say connection, don't you just mean you figured out another way to scam some poor soul into giving you free stuff because you're associated with Vince?

T: Yeah, so?

D: So who is paying you this time?

T: All I have to do is say I'm going to get a picture of Vince holding this toy plastic guitar, and we get hooked up with an XBox 360, Guitar Hero III and a $500 gift certificate.

D: So Best Buy and Guitar Hero are giving you money? You are a cheap corporate whore, Turtle.

T: I'll suck the corporate teat all day, baby. Or once a week, anyway.

D: Clearly.

The scene shifts to Eric and Vince discussing the next movie at lunch.

V: I don't why see why you want to do another movie right now, E, I told you, we have plenty of money.

E: That doesn't mean you have to stop making movies completely, Vince. Now did you read the script, Ari gave us?

V: Yeah I read it, Lionel fights the evil Skeletor and saves the day.

E: Skeletor was He-Man, Vince. You didn't read it did you?

V: Allright, Eric, you got me, I didn't read it. I'm a little distracted, OK, I have a date with Sabrina tonight and I don't want anything keeping me from reaching my sexual peak.

E: Don't you mean you have a date with Christie?

Vince thinks. V: Yeah I guess I did. Well I like Christie better anyway. She's more sensual.

E: Jeez, Vince, you're just constantly having so much sex with so many fine women. You can't even keep all the different hot women who you are about to have sex with straight.

Vince chuckles. V: Yeah, I guess you're right. I am always having crazy mind-blowing passionate sex with different hot pieces of ass all the god damn time.

Scene cuts back to Drama's apartment where all the gang are rocking out to Guitar Hero like rock gods.

D: So bro, you bang that hot piece of ass?

Vince takes a huge bong hit, then answers he exhales. V: Yes Johnny, I did.

T: E, I know you didn't have sex last night. Even if you did have a girl all you'd do is cuddle like a little bitch, you fucking little bitch.

E: Fuck you bitch. I'm not a bitch. You're a bitch. All you do with your bitch ass self is jerk off like a bitch. Bitch. You bitch.

Drama finishes a sweet guitar solo. D: Hey, bros, calm done. You're going to be moving out soon and I think we all need to smoke some more bud and realize how sweet we are.

T: I'll fuckin smoke to that!

Everyone together: SWEEEEEEEET BROOOOOS!!!!!!!

End episode 1

Mets Hot Stove Report Episode 1

Nothing happened! Everyone filed for FA and no one has a fucking idea whats going on. The only thing we know is Posada will resign as a Yankee. Whoop dee fucking doo.

Friday, November 9, 2007

A serious analysis of the Mets FA options at 2B and C

I was going write about what I think the Mets should do about 2B and C for next season but after an exhaustive 15 minutes of research I've decided we're pretty much effed no matter what we do. The free agent market sucks it the dick this year at every position, but especially at second and catcher.

I was thinking Tadihito Iguchi would be a good underrated guy to sign instead of overrated and kind of sucky Luis Castillo, but it turns out Iguchi sucks too. I was also thinking Michael Barrett would be a good idea since we could 'buy low', but really, buying the 40 OPS+ that he hit during his last 44 games with the Padres is pretty fucking low. I mean we might as well bring Big Pud back for that. No - nevermind - fuck Lo Duca. Alou will be in hell, writing his name in the snow, before I endorse that dickwad.

Of course there are plenty of trade rumors that I could weigh in on, but really, whats the point? No one knows shit right now, and if they did it would mean Omar has too many loose lips and isn't doing his job. If we can swing a deal, great, if not, fuck it. We got lucky in 2006 when Valentin and the Pudster had flukely good years, and when got unlucky in 2007 when those two played like they normally do.

It's a long off season and I'm not going to get all worked up about it now. No, in fact, I've got much bigger fish to fry, mainly, the current writers strike going on in Hollywood. That shit is really gnawing at my soul right now. I mean, what if the strike affects the new season of Entourage. WHAT IF I CAN'T WATCH THAT MAGICAL 30 MINUTES OF ECSTASY THAT SENDS ME INTO A WORLD OF HOLLYWOOD MIRTH AND FAG JOKES!?!?!?!

I'd fucking die, thats what. I can't let that happen. I WON'T let that happen. I will write the scripts myself if I have to, every god damn syllable of that hip and trendy dialog. Sorry Metsies, I can't let Vinnie and my boys down. You'll have to take a back seat for the rest of the off season. For the great good of mankind - Entourage must go on.

More to cum. (HAHAHA LOL That is what Vince would say because he is always either talking about sex or having sex, because he is a rabid sexual maniac, and cum and come are homophones. Wait - ew! Homos! Hah, they would say that too because Ari and Vinnie and his pals are always cracking wise about the gays! Holy shit that is gold. You know, like ARI GOLD?!? haHAH! Fuck my tits this is going to be fun!)

Monday, November 5, 2007

Random non-baseball post

I spent last weekend in Durham, NC and watched Duke get pummeled by Clemson. As you would imagine, the stadium was littered with a staggering amount of obese rednecks. The highlight of the day came when I overheard a Clemson Tiger fan urger her team to 'Git 'er done!' without even a trace of irony.

Then this asshole showed up and I punched him into oblivion:
And then I found these fly honies and I pollinated their berry bushes:
 I love Clemson football, whether you're a student, alumni or just a fan...nothing like it

No, yes, no, yes. Haha, just kidding, I would do all of them and a whole lot worse.

Good times!