Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Entourage Episode 1 - Sweet Bros

Our heroes are assembled around the kitchen counter in Drama's Beverly Hills condo. Drama comes out with a steaming pan of breakfast foods.

D: Dig in boys, I made a Chase family specialty this morning: Celebration eggs!

Turtle: What the fuck are you celebrating, Drama? That retarded T-Shirt you're wearing?

D: Laugh all you want Turtle, Viking Quest just got optioned for a new 're-imaging' of the series by the Sci-Fi Channel, and guess who's getting paid dividends.

D: That's great Drama, now a whole new generation of pathetic geeks will be yelling "Victory!" while playing World of Warcraft in their parent's basement.

Vince: Hey, I'm proud of you big bro, and I have some more good news that deserves celebrating.

Eric: You found some new investors for Medeillen?

V: No, don't worry about Medeillen, E, this is even better -Queens Boulevard's DVD numbers just came in, and guess who's going to make enough for us all to move out of Beverly Hills? No offense, Johnny.

D: None taken, Vince, frankly I was about to say something. You guys are starting to cramp my style.

T: Whatsamatter, Drama? Not enough privacy to jerk off 3 times a day anymore?

E: Anyway, that's great, Vince. So no more money problems?

V: Nope, no more problems. We're really back.

T: Can I get a sweet bros, cheer?

All together with raises glasses of orange juice: We're sweet bros!!!

Scene cuts to Eric driving around in his car.

E: Hey Ari, it's Eric.

A: E, how's my favorite oompa loompa? Toss any pizza dough in the magic lollipop kingdom? Lloyd! I said toss any pizza dough, not toss any salad, get your hard-on under control, you're about to explode through your Isaac Mizrahi Target Brand leather pants.

L: Ari! Do not tell E about my raging boner, he's one of the good ones!

A: Eric, Lloyd wants you to know that he is approaching the point of ejaculatory inevitability.

L: Ari!

E: That's great, Ari, look Vince is in a good mood right now and I think now is a good time to get him to sign on to a blockbuster type. You got any scripts in mind?

A: What, is he all pumped up from the QB DVD scratch coming his way?

E: Yeah, he is, you know about that all ready?

A: Of course I know about that, Eric, you stupid faggot.

L: Ari Gold!

A: Sorry, Lloyd!

E: Look Ari, You got anything or not.

A: Eric, please, of course I have the perfect script. I am the Master of all Scripts you little yeast infection. Ready for this: Thundercats, the Movie.

E: What, the kid's cartoon?

A: You bet your your sweet Cheetara licking ass, its Thundercats fucking ho, baby! You think Transformers the movie was a fluke? All those nerds who grew up in the 80's now have big bucks to spend on their childhood memories, only now they don't want some 2-bit cartoon animated by some Korean sweat shop, they want to see live action summer blockbusters that have multi-million dollar sponsorships from Chevrolet and Kibbles and Bits and whoever the fuck else the studios shake down. And those blockbusters make enough cash to keep Shia Le Bouf knee deep in underage pink for years.

E: OK, I'm sold, but do you think Vince will want to do a live-action cartoon?

A: That's not my job, limp dick, that's yours, now get it done.

Eric hangs up and the action cuts to Turtle and and Drama walking through a Best Buy.

D: OK Turtle, explain to me what we're doing here?

T: Calm down, Drama, I got a connection.

D: When you say connection, don't you just mean you figured out another way to scam some poor soul into giving you free stuff because you're associated with Vince?

T: Yeah, so?

D: So who is paying you this time?

T: All I have to do is say I'm going to get a picture of Vince holding this toy plastic guitar, and we get hooked up with an XBox 360, Guitar Hero III and a $500 gift certificate.

D: So Best Buy and Guitar Hero are giving you money? You are a cheap corporate whore, Turtle.

T: I'll suck the corporate teat all day, baby. Or once a week, anyway.

D: Clearly.

The scene shifts to Eric and Vince discussing the next movie at lunch.

V: I don't why see why you want to do another movie right now, E, I told you, we have plenty of money.

E: That doesn't mean you have to stop making movies completely, Vince. Now did you read the script, Ari gave us?

V: Yeah I read it, Lionel fights the evil Skeletor and saves the day.

E: Skeletor was He-Man, Vince. You didn't read it did you?

V: Allright, Eric, you got me, I didn't read it. I'm a little distracted, OK, I have a date with Sabrina tonight and I don't want anything keeping me from reaching my sexual peak.

E: Don't you mean you have a date with Christie?

Vince thinks. V: Yeah I guess I did. Well I like Christie better anyway. She's more sensual.

E: Jeez, Vince, you're just constantly having so much sex with so many fine women. You can't even keep all the different hot women who you are about to have sex with straight.

Vince chuckles. V: Yeah, I guess you're right. I am always having crazy mind-blowing passionate sex with different hot pieces of ass all the god damn time.

Scene cuts back to Drama's apartment where all the gang are rocking out to Guitar Hero like rock gods.

D: So bro, you bang that hot piece of ass?

Vince takes a huge bong hit, then answers he exhales. V: Yes Johnny, I did.

T: E, I know you didn't have sex last night. Even if you did have a girl all you'd do is cuddle like a little bitch, you fucking little bitch.

E: Fuck you bitch. I'm not a bitch. You're a bitch. All you do with your bitch ass self is jerk off like a bitch. Bitch. You bitch.

Drama finishes a sweet guitar solo. D: Hey, bros, calm done. You're going to be moving out soon and I think we all need to smoke some more bud and realize how sweet we are.

T: I'll fuckin smoke to that!

Everyone together: SWEEEEEEEET BROOOOOS!!!!!!!

End episode 1

1 comment:

G-Fafif said...

Dude, more action in that ep than any that have aired since 2005. Nice work.

(I guess the Go Mets, Die Braves message is implied.)