Monday, March 31, 2008

LLLLLLLLet's get ready to be done getting ready!

I know baseball is the most pastoral of all the major North American professional team sports, but thats not stopping me from getting so pumped that I want to ram my head through a fucking wall (and if keeps screwing with me, I just might!)

In case you needed to give your pumpitude a lite nudge, I suggest viewing the video embedded below, preferably with your computer hooked up to some big ass speakers cranked up to eleven. The video is Staring at the Sun, by Smile. I don't know shit about this band except I remember listening to this song on K-Rock in middle school while tearing through pre-algebra homework like a maniac, then I stumbled upon it just recently, much to my good fortune. Please enjoy.

I might try to make this a regular feature, probably called Monday pumpitutde enhancement. Yeah, RAWK!

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Meet the scrubs!

The New York mets 2008 opening day 25 roster has been set, or so presumed by Metsblog, so we might as well take a closer look at those nameless bench players about whom no shits are given.

Due to Ramon Castro's injury, it looks like the Mets will be using 35 year old Rual Casanova as their back up catcher. Baseball Prospectus' 2008 weighted mean projections for Casanova's EqA and WARP* are .244 and 1.4, which is actually not as bad as I expected. He should be able to fill in just fine until Castro and his enormous melon get healthy.

Here's the rest of the position players who made the final cut, one of whom will be starting in place of Moises Alou as he struggles to recover from a recent bout of Alzheimer's.

Name Age EqA WARP
Angel Pagen 26 .249 1.6
Endy Chavez 30 .256 1.3
Marlon Anderson 34 .273 0.9
Brady Clark 35 .259 1.6
Damion Easley 38 .259 1.6

So these guys most likely won't contribute much, but that's not really a concern, since no one's bench is going to be all that sweet. What worries me is how old the bench skews. The starters are old enough, and I would've preferred Omar and the front office to favor younger crappy players that have at least the possibility of a break out season. And, outside of Endy, none of these guys can be used as a defensive substitution.

Also competing for, and failing to secure, one of the final spots were Ruben Gotay - 25 - .260 - 1.8 and Fernando Tatis - 33 - .271 - 4.2. Tatis had the steroid specter and the fact that he can really only play a position that quite spoken for (3B) working against him. I have a tougher time explaining Gotay. While not as despondent as some over the sad fate of young Ruben, I do think Omar blundered. The lack of minor league options and a crowded infield ultimately doomed Gotay and so the geriatric movement continues.

Just for perspective: Ryan Church - 29 - .283 - 3.6 and David Wright - 25 - .319 - 8.4.

In conclusion, DWright is to baseball what Robocop is to cybernetic crime fighting.

*I picked EqA because its a good over all assessment of offensive skills that's adjusted for park and league. For reference, .260 is league average and .300 is totally rad. WARP is a good metric for our purposes because it stands for Wins Above Replacement Player, which is exactly what we want to know about our bench players. Presumedly you can always find someone to provide a zero WARP from either waivers or AAA at anytime during the season. Worthless piles of shit like David Newhan and Brian Lawrence have Negative WARPs because they fucking blow.

Friday, March 28, 2008

FYF: Brett effing Myers

Wife beaters make easy targets, but of course, so do pedophiles and emo fans, so by know means should anyone hold back their invective.

Brett Myers is this week's subject of derision because the last of the completely worthless preseason predictions have all come out, and nearly everyone cites Myers' return to the starting rotation as a reason why the Phillies are going to either challenge for or win the NL East.

What crock. Myers is a coward and an asshole. The Phillies have a thinner line up than the Mets and their rotation and and bullpen are both dogshit. You can talk about both teams' negatives until it boils down to Utley and Hamels v DWright and Santana. Advantage Mets.

But anyway, Myers is this big pussy who got drunk and punched his wife IN THE FACE and then got her to drop the charges. Fuck this guy in the ear.

If only Tawny Kitaen was this cockbag's wife, then at least we'd have a fair fight.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Phursday Philler: Sorry pans

No real baseball today, except for a shout out to my home dawg Dayf at Cardboard Junkies. Dayf had kinds words for GMDB and hates Big Pud, which is commendable, but is also a Braves fan, which is regrettable. Dayf, I will wager my entire collection of worthless, overprinted Topps 1986-1990 baseball cards that the Mets do not 'sink into the depths of the NL East' this year, slowly or otherwise. No, the only sinking will be by Larry Jones, who will be plummeting straight to hell after he dies. By my hands. Tomorrow.

Lots of funny clips floating around the u-tube these days, like one the one about hot tubs, the one about porkchop sandwiches and the one about bees.

But I decided on this one, because right now its slightly less played out and I love the ending so much. Pop off!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Big Pud just wants to hang out... NO BIG DEAL

Pity Big Pud. He was a man custom made for the fast times and carnal pleasures of the Big Apple. But instead of hanging with their bros, the Mets were too busy laming it up in the suburbs like a bunch of chumps.

Barry Svrluga of the WaPo has Big Pud's latest gripes about life with the Mets.

"This is kind of like going back to the minor leagues for me," Lo Duca said. "Guys hang out, have a couple of beers, and talk about baseball. It's not everyone living 30 minutes away from the park and never seeing each other."

Awww, no one wanted to come in to the city to knock back a few tall cold ones with everyone's favorites degenerate gambler. Hmm... maybe its because your fucking clown shoes, Paulie.

My other favorite part of that article was Svrluga describing how much time and effort Big Pud put into making the chart for the Nationals NCAA tournament pool by hand. After hanging up the over-elaborate chart on the wall, Manny Acta came over to Lo Duca and said, "Hey, Paulie, that's great, but you know we all signed up on . It's got real time game updates and it automatically tabulates our scores. Theres even a message board where we can talk trash to each other!"

After hearing this Lo Duca got real sad. "Hey don't feel bad, Paulie," Manny said, "What you did is great. I mean, it's real... um... hey look, a red car!" And then Manny pointed a red car going by the clubhouse and Lo Duca started clapping and yelling, "Oooooh! Red car! Red car! Red Car!"

But don't worry about Big Pud, he's got a great future carved out for him when his baseball days are over.

Friday, March 21, 2008

F YOU FRIDAY: Die Smoltzeepoo!

I know still no one gives a crap about my fantasy team, however, today it is relevant because I've dedicated this week's FYF to my no.2 starting pitcher, John Smoltz. Smoltz is such a tremendous piece of shit that they only way I could take him was if he slipped all the way to the 6th round, which he did, and so John Smoltz is a member of The Fuggin Sluds (my team name. clever, no?).

It pained me to do so but look at what Baseball Prospectus' Fantasy Beat writer Marc Normandin has to day about Smoltziepoopoo: "Sabathia and Smoltz are no slouches in the third and fourth slots, as both of those pitchers are expected to hit the 200-inning mark while posting low ERAs, lots of wins, and contribute solid strikeout totals. You have to love John Smoltz’s Beta score, despite his age."

Yes, BP has Smoltz ranked as the FOURTH best pitcher in the ENTIRE LEAGUE. I didn't want to do it, but I had passed on him the round before and the pick before me was Lackey and I realized this was an incredible steal so what the fuck, I can always trade him right?

Well no, after asking around for trades, everyone in my league started giving me shit about how old and crappy Smoltz is, offering the likes of Hunter Pence or Franklin fucking Morales, straight up. So now I have to DEFEND John Smoltz' baseball talents to these assholes. It makes me sick. Yes Smoltz is an aging pile of dog shit, but no, I still will not trade him for Jose Guillen. Grrr, it makes me so MAD!

You know what, fuck PECOTA and Baseball Prospectus too. What the hell do computers know? God damn robots are taking over this sport.

Anyway, here's what I want to see happen to Smoltz. Not figuratively either. I actually want this to happen to Smoltz exactly as depicted. Fucking Smoltz.

In other exciting new, cute coffee girl gave me a buy 10 get 1 free card without me having to ask for it. Oh yeah it is ON!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Phone it in Phursday

Conan O'Brien used the Mets for a 'In the Year 2000' bit last night that went something like, "People will forget the Mets late season collapse of last year when they instead, collapse in Spring Training."

Ho ho ho, yuk it up O'Brien, yuk. it. up. Although he makes a good point considering the team may collapse under the weight of all the god damn injuries.

Here's where I was planning to finish phoning today's post in with some clip from Conan but youtube has like, literally billions of them to choose from and I didn't want to betray the spirit of the day by going through the trouble of finding a decent one so instead, here is a totally random Mr. Show clip.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Kiss me i'm a potato eating drunken ginger scum of the universe

Like most of America, I was out and about this weekend celebrating my Hibernian roots, specifically by getting colonized by the British, witnessing two thirds of my family perish from starvation, and then traveling thousands of miles on a leaky boat to settle in a new country full of people that hated me. Then I got drunk and pissed myself. So sorry if this post is a little lackluster.

My idea this morning was to write about other Mets who share a love for all things Pabst and Papist. The only trouble is I could only find two of such Mets, which actually works out, 'cause I'm sick of writing already. So here it is the, GMDB tribute to The Blue Orange and Green.

Kevin "Freckle Testicles" McReynolds

Brian "The Black Leprechaun" McRae

Yes, that's all I think of. Sorry, hangover rules apply. Now if you'll excuse I'm going to go grab lunch at that new Irish place that just opened up in the neighborhood. Maybe you've heard of it, it's called, McDonald's.

Friday, March 14, 2008

F YOU FRIDAY: Die Frenchy

The people have spoken (well, The Coop, anyway), and GMDB is only too happy to oblige. Thanks for the suggestion Coop, I would like nothing more than to skewer Jeff Fransewer.

Jeph Francoeur has been hailed as 'the Natural' due to a scintillating debut as a rookie in 2005. Since then, all he's proven is that he's a naturally over-rated bust that got over-hyped by Atlanta's racist press' endless quest to discover the next great white hope.

When not working on his sterling 4.2 career strike out to walk ratio, Geoff enjoys murdering puppies and engaging in public acts of sexual deviancy. Want proof? Ok, how's this?

Fenchy is totally not bashful about his abominable affronts to decency. Look! (NSFW... but if you've come this far you really owe it to yourself to click through)

God he makes me sick. You know how Francore could help his shitty K/BB ratio? By walking more. Might I then suggest a long walk off a short pier? Hah! Stings doesn't it, Jeffy! No, seriously, die.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

You mean you DONT care about my fantasy team? Great, let me tell you about it anyway...

So you'll never guess who fell to me at the 7th pick overall. I said you'll NEVER guess. Well, g'head, GUESS!

Give up?


Yup. The golden one himself. Oh yes, it was a glorious touchdown of extra points. What a draft.

OK, OK, that was just an obligatory Mets preface so I could bring up something more important: world peace.

Now I would never advocate the consumption of illegal substances, but I think maybe if everyone in the world could take a few minutes out of their, busy, warmongering day, smoke a massive spliff, and watch this video, well, maybe we wouldn't be at war right now. Think about, a world at peace.


Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Checking in

Spring Training is interminable and boring. The only news trickling out of Metsworld revolves around the injury report and the various thrilling roster battles. Who will get to back up Luis Castillo, Ruben Gotay or Anderson Hernandez? Who will make the roster? Who will win the battle? Who will give a shit?

Luckily, our long lost GMDB correspondent, Shea Stadium, decided to check it from our South Korean Bureau. I hate the handle 'Shea Stadium' so I'm going to henceforth refer to our intrepid contributor as THE MONSTUPOLOUS MILO.

So, Milo, long time no see. How's it hanging?
Oh nice. Finger pointing in a bar. Looks like a blast. What else have you been up to?

Growing to over nine feet in height? Fascinating. Tell me, Milo, what kind of awareness do the people of Korea have regarding the New York Mets?

Really? I would think that with Chan Ho Park making the roster last year that there would be more interest in the team. Do they focus more on the local teams then? I understand Korea has a rich history with baseball that rivals Japan's.

Oh, well if you'd rather go dancing I can understand. Think you could answer just a couple more questions before you go?

Well, allright, then. Looks like you're having a good time with your friends. Is that a Korean night club or something?

Haha, you really are having quite the monstupolous time aren't you? What else might this crazy night lead to?

Jesus Christ, Milo, you are out of control. What kind of choices are you making for yourself? When are you going to grow up and start accepting some responsibility for once in your life?

Oh, Milo, look at that face. I can't stay mad at you. Thanks for checking in!

Monday, March 10, 2008

If this is a consular ship, WHERE is the ambassador?

Funny. To me anyway, (via Baseball Musing).

Incidentally, you think the cute goth chick who writes for Flotsam Media would be impressed by all my references to Type O Negative? I hope so. I'm so lonely!

Friday, March 7, 2008

F You Friday: die larry

Only the second week of GMDB's new feature and already I'm slacking off. Nothing new here. I hate Larry Jones and I want him exterminated. I think when he was being named his mom were like, "Hey, Larry is a great name, lets name our son that." and then his Dad was like, "Yes, but lets also call him Chipper because that is also a great name." And then his mom goes, "Yeah, two great names for our great son." And then they dad went and cut firewood because that was his job and the mom went and prepared tv dinners to eat because thats what stupid redneck assholes do.

Ok, now that I've taken care of my weekly responsibility I can go get drunk.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Mets Spring Training Update!

Matt Cerrone has another random but fascinating tidbit from his trip to Mets training camp in Port St. Lucie. Despite there being 50+ player invites and countless other coaches trainers and other personnel, there are only 13 reserves parking spaces at the training camp facilities. This precious real estate is doled out to the expected teams stars... and also Scott Schoeneweis.

15 game winners John Maine and Oliver Perez do not have spots, but The Schoe and his 85 ERA+ do.

Fuck that. I have a better place for Schoeneweis to park.

Incidentally, Schoeneweis' translates into English literally as 'beautiful white'. Yes, Scott Schoeneweis is most definitely a Nazi.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Haiku party!

I couldn't sleep last night so I stayed up and wrote a bunch of haikus. Some of them are even sports related! Enjoy. Or don't. Whatevs.

'The Gift'
A faint scent. Oder,
Wafts through the office. But what?
Oh, my boss farted.

'Carlos Beltran'
Strong arms, thick legs. He's,
Graceful in the outfield. 'Los,
Fill me with your seed.

Wise sage say: man with,
Itchy butt have stinky hand.
And that man was me.

Ring on the finger;
Postseason awards. But please,
Eli still sucks ass.

'The Analyst'
Years later, he'll be,
Known not for football, but more.
Fuck yourself, Tiki.

'The Golden One'
So young, so strong, so,
Perfect in every way. Yes,
I'm gay for D Wright.

'Allison Stokke'
Pre-jump; grip the pole.
Hold it tight. Visualize:
My dick is the pole.

Tastefully named Gregg.
He loves haikus and football,
And being a chode.

Haikus are so fun.
Very, Very, very fun.
But sometimes I lose count.

'The Beautiful Game'
It takes speed, skill, strength,
and crying about injuries.
Soccer is so lame.

They're out to get me.
Can't order pizza; they'll know.
Weed is a dumb drug.

Would you finish a,
Book you knew the ending to?
No, books are for nerds.

'A National Pastime'
Pedro views cockfight.
But it's all misunderstood.
Not birds - men frotting.

Superbowl winners.
If you don't like the Giants,
Shut up, cause you're wrong.

'Past the borderline'
Tell me if this hurts.
I'm going past the knuckle.
Oops, I felt a tear.

I think thats as good a time as any to stop. Man I really hope the season starts soon.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Padre jagov party

Super Padre fan Dennis "Wack-me-soft" Rasmussen has started his own 'highbrow' Padre blog that classy baseball fans of all persuasions can enjoy. It's called Padres Jagoff and I'm giving it my highest possible recommendation.

You may remember Dennis the Pennis, aka Wackysoft, from such hits as his GMDB guest post, in which he drew a picture of David Wright drinking from a back of semen. Over at his own blog, Wackysoft so far has put up a picture of Tim Lincecum... drinking a cup full of semen. Wowee - fun stuff!

So if you enjoy Go Mets Die Braves, but wish it was about the Padres and included way more overtly homophobic jokes (I'm told racist bits are on the way as well), then you'll want to head over to Padres Jagoff as fast as your web browser can surf you there.

Remember, thats www dot padres jagoff dot blogspot dot com

Padres Jaogff: a real piece of shit.


I'm not one to wax homoerotic, but when I hear of stories like this, about seeing David Wright in the locker room wearing a New York Giants Super Bowl Champion hat... man... it just, hmmm... it just makes you want to feel him inside you.... huh? Wait, who? What - what are you doing here!?! Get out! This is my private time! My private time!!!

Monday, March 3, 2008


Good to see Churchie try and endear himself to Mets fans by participating in a time honored Met outfielder tradition. You know, the one where they run the fuck into each other?

Nice work Churchie. Like most other dominating Division III linebackers, I too have been concussed. Of course I didn't need any time off to recover, but then again, I'm not a huge pussy. Get well soon, Churchereeno.

Speaking of huge pussies, Larry has also already been bitten by the injury bug this year. Lets hope this 'hamstring tweak' develops into something more serious. Like paralysis or death.

Finally, while looking for a good picture of the Churchie and Marlon Anderson collision, I found this pic. Ewwwww.