Monday, June 30, 2008

The Mets are progessing at a medium pace

Seemingly content at playing .500 ball, the Mets are neither losing a ton of games nor winning a ton of games. It's almost as if they are playing this season at a MEDIUM PACE.

Maybe they find these lyrics to be as inspiring as I do (LYRICS ARE NOT APPROPRIATE FOR A PROFESSIONAL ENVIRONMENT).

Oh, hey look, the pizza delivery guy is here.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Sawx fans exact their revenge!

I've been had! The jig is up! Here's how one clever Red Sox fan described GMDB:
It is about a moron who antagonizes others and then accuses them of idiocy.
I actually think that is pretty accurate.

Touche, douchbags. I'll see you all in hell.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


I feel like taking a very very very uncontroversial position on Red Sox Nation. I WANT THEM TO SHUT UP.

Red Sox Nation is a fucking stupid concept that I've written a little about here, and then tried to get asshole sox fan to comment about here (yes, I am go sox go and made that post).

I've also gotten into a debate (I use that word very loosely here) about it on Craiger's blog here. And thats what pisses me off the most. The fact that lots of RSNers see themselves as better than other fans, and not deserving of hate from other groups of fans. Fuck that, they are worse. Accept it, deal with it, enjoy your World Series rings AND SHUT UP ASSHOLES.

A lot of Mets fan will sympathize with Sox fans because they also hate the Yankees and see them as an allay in that regard. Well I hate the Yankees (though much less than some Mets fans) and find their fans obnoxious, but I live in DC, where there are literally millions of New Englanders who have fled their shitty states and they pack themselves into bars and chant like morons and generally fucking suck. I have never seen a showing like that from Yankee fans. But you know what, fuck the Yankees too, I'm not writing this blog to make friends.

Check out this post from With Leather and tell me all Red Sox AND Yankee fans shouldn't ALL drown in a lake. A lake made up of whale vomit and human period blood.

Monday, June 23, 2008

mmmm... meat cake

George Carlin died yesterday and posts about him are popping up all over the baseball's blogdom because he once did a classic bit about baseball vs football and also because George Carlin fucking rules.

I was hooked on George Carlin every since i heard him utter the word 'meat cake'. I even saw him preform stand up live, when I was in middle school. He was practicing his routine for an HBO special and when he got tired testing out new material he just talked about farts for a half an hour. And that was the greatest 30 minutes of my life.

I bought a poster from that performance and I still use it today to cover up a hole put in my basement's wall put there by some asshole friend of mine. It's a great conversation starter for when babes come over.

So to get pumped up this week I was going to do a Carlin stand up video but I don't want to be just like everyone else out there so instead here's a clip from one of Carlin's forgotten movie masterpieces. He's not in this particular scene, but so what? You want Carlin, you know how to use youtube, god dammit.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

GMDB EXCLUSIVE: Rick Peterson is an evil robot bent on destorying all mankind

We all know by now that the Mets front office has more leaks than an R. Kelly home video, and it is through one of these ill advised tinkles from a Mets executive that GMDB has learned the truth about why Mets pitching Rick Peterson was fired.

Rick Peterson is evil robot who seeks the destruction of the human race!!!!

Posing as a human being in manners and appearance, Rick Peterson is part of a second generation of evil robots, known as 'skin jobs', who were created to infiltrate all segments of society and then bring about it's extinction.

Omar Minaya acknowledged Peterson's exemplary record as a pitching coach and noted that his job as pitching coach in no way contributed to the 'collapse' of 2007. However, despite Minaya's wishes to keep Peterson around after the decision to fire Met's manager Willie Randolph was made, after learning of his true origins and evil plans, Minaya had no choice but to terminate Peterson's relationship with the Mets.

GMDB's front office source also gave us a never before scene video of the meeting Minaya had with Peterson when he broke the news to the embattling pitching coach/evil robot, seen below.

Peterson was last seen orbiting the Andromeda Galaxy while evil robot rescue ships search for what they hope will be salvageable remains.

When GMDB correspondent 'Dave' asked fellow evil robot, HAL 9000, for comment the following exchange was recorded.

GMDB will continue to keep you updated with any news to this breaking story.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Big Willie Style: Your life is forfeit

Yeah you know what would be funny? If when talking about this shit show of a shit-canning that I some how incorporated the pun of substituting the word 'mess' for the word 'Mets'. Haha, so funny, right? It's just so FUCKING FUNNY.

Actually? No. Not funny at all. What would be funny would be if Omar Minaya called up Willie Randolph and pranked him with the clip that Richard Christie used in this prank call below, and THEN fired him.

Ethel Mertz.

Thursday, June 12, 2008


Watching soccer is interminably boring and I have absolutely ZERO use for nationalism, but after Wagsiepoo pinched off yet another steaming hot load of crap, I just can't think about the Mets right now.

Instead, let's see what those faggy euro-tards are up to this summer with their queer little sport where you can't use your hands! Yah ha! Fun!

ps, if you don't know what Euro 2008 is or are confused by anything else I'm about to type well then why don't you LEARN HOW TO WIKI YOU LAZY BUFOON!

Group A
Portugal, Czech Republic, Turkey, Switzerland

Euro 2008 started like a week or so ago, so Portugal is already through to the next round and Switzerland has already been eliminated. I'm fine with that. You have to give credit to Portugal for not getting squashed under the thumb of Castilian rule, enabling them to maintain their own Kingdom, culture and language (unlike the Catalans, Basques and Galatians, who got totally PWND). On the other hand, the Swiss blow. Centuries of peace and neutrality and the all they have to show for it are coco mix and throat lozenges? Get your shit together Switzerland, or I'll give you something to yodel about. Plus I hate it when host countries automatically qualify for stuff. I'm glad you lost you're own tournament, pussies.

I also like the Czechs here, because they drink more beer per capita than any other country in the world, so me and the C.R. have a lot in common. On the other hand, I sympathize with Turkey. Here is this big secular Muslim country doing everything they can to fit into the cool guy Euro-club but Europe won't have them. 'Oh, they're the sick man of Europe, oh we can't possibly absorb that many people, oh their culture is too different'. Grow up, Europe. The battle of Vienna was over 400 years ago.

Turkey will beat The Czech Republic the final meaningful game of Group A, sending them through in second place finishers after the Portuguese play the Swiss to a lackluster tie and but win the group outright.

Group B
Crotia, Germany, Austria, Poland

Someone call the Hapsburgs, it's the battle for Mitteleuropa!

This group has also been through 2 games a piece and Croatia has already clinched a spot in the next round. I am fine with that, too. Anyone daring enough to where jerseys that look like tablecloths should get something out if it.

I like Germany to over come their last vestiges of Nazi guilt and blitz their way past Austria to annex the other spot in this group. Germany also has like, 80 million fucking people in their country so I sure as shit hope they can get past Austria, another lame ass host country who shouldn't even be here.

Poland would have probably given Croatia a run for their money but they all missed the game because they were too busy trying to screw in a light bulb and are eliminated.

Group C
Netherlands, France, Romania, Italy

The so-called Group of Death. I guess. I mean, with that bunch of losers it's certainly not the Group of Def! ELLE OH ELLE!!!

This group is still wide open, but I like Romania, and I'll tell you why. It's where they shot the village scenes in the Borat movie. Ah ha, its a very nice! Chin gwee! double LOL!

To snag second place and also advance, I'm picking the Dutch. I like them, because I often dutch oven myself and find it strangely enjoyable, but I don't like how they wear bright orange jerseys. Picking uniforms after your country's royal house is SO 20th century.

France and Italy battle it out for last place, which is great because they both worthless and weak. I like saying "Pardon my French, but you're an asshole." so let's say Les Bleus finish ahead of Azzurri. And that works because I have this thing about the Italians where I'm like, racist about them.

Group D
Spain, Sweden, Greece, Russia

I find Group D intriguing. A lot of cultures and languages. Three different alphabets even (Roman, Greek and Cyrillic).


too hungover to finish this. fucking took to long to write all thi sdumb shit. games are starting now anyway. this countires are all full of bastards anyway. swedes, greeks, russkies, spanish, all bastards.

fuck this. russia and spain advances. vladimir putiepoot declares victory for all russians. all dirty hairy greeks sent to the gulag. the swedish chef is a fucking asshole. goodbye forever.

And then Neyer goes and does something like this...

The Braves are finished. Tim Hudson's a good pitcher but he can't pitch any better than he's pitched. Chipper Jones is a great hitter, but can't hit as well as he's been hitting. Even as the Braves' luck evens out, as it almost has to, it's hard to see them doing any better than they're already doing.
I guess the world does need nerds. After all, without nerds, who would run the internet pr0n websites?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Stan Gable does not approve

Rob Neyer is probably my favorite baseball writer. Hell, probably my favorite sports writer period. He's the reason I got in to Sabermatricianship, he's the reason I keep my stupid ESPN Insider subscription active (because it's certainly not for the piece of shit, mail box clogging magazine), he's the reason I have that oily discharge sometimes (haha -psyche- I made that last one up).

But even I am not immune to getting riled up when Robbie Rob Rob dumps on the Mets. Here's what the flanneled stat head said recently:
Over their last 162 games the Mets are 82-80. Yes, it's cherry-picking. While 162 is not an arbitrary numbers, it's little more indicative than 142 (72-70) or 182 (90-92). But you know, 182 games is a fair number of games. The Mets are two games under .500 in their last 182 games. That means something, doesn't it? Bad luck? Maybe. But over those same 182 games the Mets have scored 868 runs and they've allowed 869 runs. Exactly the profile of a .500 team. Over 182 games. That means something doesn't it. And yet the organization just rolls merrily along with the same manager and the same general manager. If I were a Mets fan I would be leading a revolt in the streets. (Actually, I would be hoping that someone else would lead a revolt that I could follow, at a safe distance.)
This all may be true, however, I do have one thing I would like to say in rebuttal:

Oh, by the way, nerd, I got a math equation for you. Maybe you can tell me, what's the square root of 'i'm gonna kick your ass'?


Monday, June 9, 2008

Oh gross

It's tough to know where to start after a 4 game series sweep by the formerly league worst San Diego Jagoffs. It's pretty clear that the offense collectively deserves a big stinkfist for the first 3 losses of the series. Billy 'Richard' Wagner is the obvious boner for game the fourth.

But nobody really reads this blog for recaps or analysis so lets skip ahead to the coping with our impotent rage. Normally I would now post some awesome metal video from youtube but that would seem even more impotent than usual given the enormous scale of our latest suck-shit-ass-party. Instead I found this awful song by Cannibal Corpse called 'I Will Kill You'. According one critic 'If vomit were a movie, this would be the soundtrack'. What do you think?

I don't listen to Cannibal Corpse because their music is about as interesting as listening to a garbage disposal, but I think it's an appropriate expression of seething anger in the face of utter hopelessness. Kind of like the 1992 L.A. Riots (right? you see the similarities?).

Cannibal Corpse' magnus opus segues nicely into the other topic I wanted to write about today: my desire to kill John Smoltz. I won't of course (I am too fair and fragile for prison), but that doesn't change my genuine desire to personally end John Smoltz life.

A lot of people will say, 'hey, Smoltz is a good guy, man. he plays the game right. He's sure-fire first ballot hall of famer. chill out dude.'

Too which I would reply, 'No one fucks over my fantasy team and gets away with it. Prepare to taste cold steel, you bearded slut.'

I also wish bad things to happen to John Smoltz that I do not personally initiate. I'm thinking something along the lines of what happens to the narrator is Chuck Palahniuk's short story, 'Guts'. Never read it? You can check it out here. It's good but long, so I'll skip to the dramatic conclusion: the main character masturbates in a pool with his asshole up against the pool's circulation pump. The pump then pulls his intestines out his butt hole while he's jagging off.

Man, that shit is gross.

Friday, June 6, 2008


Holy crap, what the hell? Apologies to anyone who was annoyed by the lack of posts going on lately, but some serious shit has been going on lately, culminating in Virginia Dominion Power not being able to turn my power back on for the last 48 hours. Man did that suck it the dick, though I did need an excuse to clean out my rancid, disease infested frigidaire.

Didn't miss much in the way of Mets news, unless you consider Big Willie Style NOT getting fired news. Otherwise, our boys are still struggling to keep there heads above .500 like a bunch of assholes drowning in a suckfest. Good job assholes, keep up the sucking.

I'd like to now go on cursing Smoltziepoo's name as a wish him a speedy recover from shoulder surgery so he can use both hands to properly fist Satan once I send him to hell, but I'm going to need more time to for a proper post on that subject. Stay tuned.

As a peace offering to make up for lost time, here is a youtube clip of a bunch of people falling down a hill like a bunch of crazy idiots.

And here is a cartoon I did about the Tragical Romance of Romeo & Juliet. It's so fucking sweet, its a fucking masterpiece not just for our time, but for fuckin all time, bro.

And his is a video clip of 'Small Victory' by America's greatest rock band, Faith No More. Small Victory, huh? Kind of like when my elbow brushes up against the boob of a hot chick at a crowded bar. Hey, I'll take what I can get, man.

Great, good talk, good times, now lets booze.