Wednesday, November 11, 2009

its a hell of a thing killing a man

ive been thinking about this scene in the movie Unforgiven a lot, because it is awesome, and also the Taylor Swift song You Belong to Me, because it is also awesome (fuck you yes it is).

I then tried to combine the two by rewriting the chorus to lyrics about killing a man, but I wrote way too many stanzas and I also fucked up the meter to the point where now I can't even tell which part of the song in which I meant to substitute these words. So now i just have this creepy poem about murder. so just pretend I'm talking about the Braves and thats why I'm blogging about it!

Have you ever to killed a man;
Held his life inside your hands?
Then you snuffed out that man's life,
Just like switching off a light?

There was a man now there is none.
He had a life and now it's done.
He'll never get to grow up old,
Cause his last tale has since been told.

So if you want to kill a man,
I'll show you the master plan,
You'll have to get both your hands wet,
If you want your wishes met.

Cause if there's bloodlust in your heart,
you want to tear a man apart,
Want to slice off that man's head,
Here's what you do to make him dead:

Just shove a knife into his guts,
open up what once was shut,
And ignore his cries and shouts
As you pull his insides out.

So now you've joined the club,
but of course there is a rub:
now you'll have to kill again,
because the cycle never ends!

The end.

Oh I just remembered what part of the song I was re-lyricing, its actually the bridge, after the guitar solo where Swift sings about that guy driving his car in the middle of the night to go see Taylor Swift and cry about a bunch of shit. Ok this all makes sense again. Tough to remember was the fuck I was thinking in the middle of class to be honest.

Anyway, fun times for all.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

good job stupid yankees

now the phillies are no longer world phucking champions. thank fucking christ. now all the yankees need to also get fucked.

hey i'm going to start writing about comic books here.

maybe when the mets dont suck so many dong rods i'll feel like writing about them some more. but right now, all i can think about is ROBOCOP! and the x-men and shit.

ok so, next year mets, keep your chins up. and braves, continue fucking off straight to hell.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Friday, April 24, 2009



Monday, March 2, 2009

Mo Vaughn's favorite movie is Paul Blart Mall Cop

Oh gross I just ate a whole fucking box of thin mints and now I feel like Paul Blart and Mo Vaughn fucked and had a fat baby and that fat baby just took a fat dump and I am that dump. Fucking shit I still have 2 more boxes of thin mints and will probably do it all again tomorrow.

God damn it.


Saturday, February 21, 2009


I have nothing to add except that if Marlon Anderson takes too many at bats this year I'm going to push for him to be also known as the Assmaster. For Marlon Anderson does indeed master that ass.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Carlos Beltran is going to kill Cole Hamels. LITERALLY

It's super boring spring training time, which means it's time to trot out the lazy sportswriters hackneyed dip shit mailing-it-in storyfest. You might remember past hits such as "You're favorite shitty player is in the best shape of his life"! and "lame ass taunt of rival team taken lamely out of context"!

What makes Beltrans's comment noteworthy and so much better than the miserable "team to beat" bullshit asshole Jimmy Rollins started 2 fucking years ago is that he said he hopes the Mets kill Cole Hamels. LITERALLY THATS WHAT HE SAID. Carlos Beltran wants Cole Hamels to die and he wants the Mets to kill him.

Recognize muthafucka.

Cole "Fart Ham" Hamels' wife was also in the news recently when she stated "When I was five years old—I grew up in a very rural town in Missouri, and I had never even seen a black person—they asked us to draw a picture of ourselves in the future, and I drew myself holding hands with a line of tiny black stick figures. I've always wanted this."
Good job, Cole. You really know how to pick the ignorant, anorexic, dumbass, attention whores. Have fun with your brood of aids'ed up african orphans, Hamels family. God, want a couple of dumb fucks.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

shut up, turds

ooooooh, A-Rod used steroids. well who the fuck didn't? why is anyone still pretending like people care if baseball players used steroids in the 90's and 00's WHEN THE DIDN'T FUCKING TEST FOR IT?

So far the only people I can tell who are upset are boring sports writers. I mean these people are so boring, it's really no surprise newspaper's are fucked. Here is some boring piece of crap I read in the Washington Post today. Hey dude, shut up.

Oh look, stupid Boswell wants to give his boring opinion too. Hey, Boswell, check this out: shut up.

Oh and hey boring writers, every chug caffeinated beverages to help stay up late so you could hand in one of your boring ass stories? Oh you have? Wonderful, now fucking enough about stupid a-rod and god damn steroids.


Oh and to answer Phillysucks' question about who would I rather eat dinner with, Big Pud or Shane Victorino, provided that bodily harm to either party is strickly prohibited, I believe I would pick Big Pud. I would pretend like I was Big Pud's friend and then I would go to bars with him and cock block him all night long.

Say, all of that reminds me, by the way, that Philadelphia is a festing bowl of dog snot. Do you think they would make a movie about AIDS and call it New York? No, no they wouldn't.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Abbreviated up butt jumping: Manny Ramirez jumps half way up GMDB's butt

As the off season drags on and Mets fans start getting restless, the dumbos of the crowd all start clamoring for Omar to execute increasing dumber ideas, like overpaying for Man-Ram at the expense of other more pressing needs.

It's stuff like that that make Metsblog impossible to get into these days. This is the same place where you can still find Paul Lo Duca superfans, lurking in the comments, ready to pounce on anyone for making racist, anti-italian comments about baseball's greasiest piece of shit in baseball history.

Anyway, Metsblog is still a great compiler of Mets news and its run by good people and whatever but seriously, look at the results of those reader surveys. Fucking imbicility of magnitude proportions.

I get the appeal of Manny, and the Mets would definitely score more runs with him in the lineup, but the return on investment would not be as great as if they signed someone like Ben Sheets, or probably even Oliver Perez. First of all, Manny's horrendous defense needs to be factored in, wiping out a great deal of his value. Second of all, any pitcher signed not only adds the value they would contribute to the staff, but it also bumps an inferior pitcher, like Niese or someone equally crappy, out of the rotation. So there is a multiplying affect.

All right, I'm already getting bored with this discussion. Fuck it, I don't give a shit anymore. Here are 2 more Manny pic I made.

Hey how about a couple links to OTHER BLOGS? Sure why not.

This dude posted some pics of the end of Shea Stadium. Kind of sad but not really. I've got some great memories of Shea, but that stadium was also a real piece. One time I went to Shea for a my 8th birthday and a bird shat on my sneaker. GREAT STORY RIGHT?

The Cardinals can all get fucked with telephone poles, but this is pretty sweet. Well done St. Louisians. Now go back to being that fat stupid unimaginative redecks you are.

Anyone remember the epic cinematic thunderstrike known as Fear, staring Marky Mark of the Funky Bunch? It's pretty terrible. I don't remember much of what it's even about but I definitely remember the scene where Markus Markovitch fingerblasts Reese Witherspooge while riding a rollercoaster. That actually made it into a hollywood movie. Can graphic depictions of OTPHJs be far behind? We can only hope.

Anyway that crappy movie was on HBO recently and I was lucky enough to tune in to the scene that featured this powerhouse alt-grunge-industrial-rock track:

Ah, the mid 90's. I can't wait until all my plaid flannel is fashionable again. Come on 2010's, let's get the 90's retro bus started!

And to even it out, here is a totally fruity song from the same era. What's this song about anyway, rape? Sounds like it's about a raping. That's fucked up, man. That song gets played at Bar Mitzvahs and shit. Don't play a rape song at Bar Mitzvahs. Come on!

OK I'm spent and it's Friday. Time to drink and watch the superbowl and drink. May all your SB parties involve this snack sensation or something equally fan-fucking-tastic.


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Non-baseball horsepucky: oh great, more fake katy perry lyrics. super.

Katy Perry very well may be a stupid pain in the ass, as some would contend, but check this out, she's cute and has great big knockers, so pretty much everyone is going to put up with her no matter what.

Anyway, I like staring at her huge juggs and writing totally stupid fucked up lyrics to her songs. Here are 5 new stanzas to Hot N' Cold, that you can substitute in after the bridge, or as you fit, from this original set of fucked up fake lyrics to the song.

Now tickle my taint;
Spray me with your paint.
You know my slogan,
Plug me with hogan.

So open your jeans.
I want that lean peen.
The cream will careen
On me: a wet dream.

I lust for deep dick.
Take it slow, not too quick.
For kicks I turn tricks;
One clit or six sticks.

I clap as you slap
My trap on your lap.
I am splayed in twain
By your sausage train.

You'll break from your fast
To dine on my ass.
I moan and I gasp;
My butt, your repast.

Alright, way to go me. Yet not fully satisfied, I also penned these inspiring lyrics to Perry's other smash single success, I Kissed a Girl.

I'm a chick with terrible luck
Getting guys to do me
They never want to just plain fuck
They're always screwy
These guys ask, for weird shit
Might as well just play along
So since you, asked for it
You got it, fruity

I pegged a dude, with a strap on
Least he don't wanna be crapped on.
I pegged a dude, what do I care?
It's not what I often wear

It's just I feel
It's no big deal
That his butthole won't be sealed

I pegged a dude, with a strap on
A strap on

I met him through an online ad
I have few options
He wanted this to happen bad
So I indulged him
I put on, the harness
With the big plastic dildo
Then he bent, right over
I filled his asshole

I pegged a dude, with a strap on
Least he don't wanna be crapped on
I pegged a dude, why the fuck not?
Put it right in his coin slot

It's just I feel
It's no big deal
That his butthole won't be sealed

I pegged a dude with a strap on
A strap on

I don't think it means he is gay
Plus it is not my place to judge
Just as long later on he goes
Down on me, sloppily
That's what I call a fair trade off

I pegged a dude, with a strap on
Least he don't wanna be crapped on
I pegged a dude, it was great fun
Hope there is more once we're done

It's just I feel
It's no big deal
That his butthole won't be sealed

I pegged a dude, with a strap on
A strap on

Yes, I know I just spent several hours of my life writing a song that attempts to justify straight guys getting buttfucked. Such is the tortured life of a genius. Deal with it.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Oh yeah, and this guy is a total jagov

It's been a busy football season (fuck you eagles), so I had kinda forgotten that this total piece of shit spurned the Mets in free agency to sign with the Fart-lanta Barfos.

Derek Lowe is a real son of a bitch, though he is also a pretty good pitcher and would have helped the Mets, who are, as of right now, counting on former Washington National superstar Tim Redding Rainbow/Railroad to hold down the number 4 slot in the rotation. Omar gave decent pursuit but didn't put up enough of the Wilpon's cold hard cash to woo Lowe away from the bright lights of Slutlanta, Whoregia, and the heaps of Liberty Media Corporation money thrown at him.

Good, fuck you, Derek Lowe. Have fun in stupid Fulton County you adulterous jackoff. Lowe really is an adulterer too. He was previously married to some poor woman named Trinka (yes, Trinka), who fathered two of his children. Here is a picture of the happy couple.

Lowe was unfortunately unable to keep his affair with worthless sideline "reporter" Carolyn Hughes a secret so Trinka divorced him and Lowe and Hughes got married. It's all there in his god damn wikipedia page. What treacherous swine.

Here's to hoping Lowe gets rocked in the nuts during batting practice so he can't infect the world with anymore of his defective genes. Derek Lowe, trashdick extraordinaire.

Friday, January 23, 2009

We are all Cardinals fans now

I know it sounds weird to say, but it's true. How unbearable would things be of the Phillies AND the Eagles we simultaneous champions? It would fuckin suck bro, shit.

I always knew Kurt Warner was good for something. Now go home, McNARB, and eat your fuckin soup.

Not speaking of soup but pissing me off lately is Keith Fuckin Law. I enjoy reading what Klawman has to say about baseball very much, especially his ESPN chats, but his bullshit on his personal blog is really getting annoying.

Part of Keith's charm is that his seeming omniscience and utter contempt for those who don't know as much as him. Someone will have some dumb idea about the evaluation of a ballplayer and Klaw will shred him. It's fun. Even when he strays beyond his ken, like his post on the hypothetical mount Rapmore, and looks stupid, its still all in good fun.

Then Law goes ahead and trashes Watchmen and it gets personal.

The prejudice critique Law offers is so far beyond the pale it's embarrassing. The only thing I agree with is that no rankings of novels should include a comic book. It's like if Keith included a soccer player into his list of top 100 prospects. They're two different media (although Law would erroneously call comics a genre). Besides that correct assertion, nearly everything Law says about Watchmen is objectively wrong. I'm too lazy to go into to detail (just as it appears Keith was too lazy to actually read the book), so I'll just leave it with this: if that's what Law considers serious criticism then I think it's safe to say that every other critique he's made is also total bullshit as well (I wouldn't know, I never read any of those faggy books he has).

So anyway, very disappointing, Keith. I'll still read you on ESPN but your personal blog sucks a hairy bean bag. Get a fucking clue for once why don't you?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

So that sucked.

i dont even want to talk about it. vengeance will be extracted vis a vis the painful murder of the Philadelphia Phillies.

in the mean time, here is a Robocop rap, new original Robocop fan fiction and a picture of some mets fan with big tits in a bar.


Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Now is when all the effing eagles must effing die

Some sports fans like it when their rivals get "good" playoff match ups, and say things like, "You know fellow Giants fans, this is going to be a tough game with the Eagles, but we beat a lot of good teams last year, and always on the road. And with this classic match up, you wouldn't want it any other way would you?"

Fuck yeah I would! Fuck the fucking Eagles. Fuck spelling out the name of your team in a cheer, fuck the color green and fuck McNabb, Brian Westbrook, DeSean Jackson and every other cockbiting asshole on that team that I can't stand.

I hope bad things happen to the Eagles. I hope their bus break down on the way up thier turnpike. I hope they get food poisoning, I hope they stub their toes, I hope their trainer accidentally knocks a bottle of liquid heat onto their jocks a la Revenge of the Nerds. And do you want to know why? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THEM TO FUCKING WIN NEXT WEEK.

So most of all, I hope Arnold Schwarzenegger puts on a ridiculous yellow and gray jumpsuit and hunts down every Philadelphia Eagle, summarily executing them in increasingly elaborate and cartoonishly violent ways.