Tuesday, July 31, 2007

What I Learned From Shea Day: A Pictorial

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Dave Magadan enjoys baseball. It's going to be a fine day, indeed.

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The Mets grounds crew is probably the best in the league. That should be worth a half-run right there.

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We had AWESOME seats. Strange that the box number was Larry Sucks. Oh well, best not to look too deep into these things.

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Jose Reyes may just be the best player in the history of MLB.

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Carlos Delgado still stinks. Those runs didn't get driven in and the game didn't get blown open, as I was hoping pre-taking this picture. Then I realized Delgado's terrible.

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Ken Dynamo enjoys showing up late to baseball games with a BAC WELL over the legal limit.

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Billy Wagner likes to run, when he doesn't have to. Apparently Pete Rose did this too, but nobody seems to think Wagner is somehow a super-human workhorse. Also- Wagner didn't bet on baseball, which is truly one of the few actions that a single individual can do to take down the sport completely.

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The G train exists. I found that out at this exact moment. Previously I thought it was like the Yeti or Loch Ness monster. Apparently it goes between Brooklyn and Queens, which also exist beyond the Brooklyn Brewery and Shea Stadium, respectively.

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Queens is quite nice. Crazytalk, I know. But LOOK. It's gorgeous!

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MLB teams think it's a good idea to walk Julio Franco.

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I had an interesting night on Thursday, details of which were being relayed back to me as late as Saturday. Apparently I'm still able to go back to the bar where my knees took on this form!

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Dave Magadan enjoys his in-between-game-post-shower-beer.

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Ken Dynamo is in fact a cyborg sent back in time to save Willie Randolph from using up all of his position players in a colossally dumb move by pinch running for Lo Duca with a pitcher and then using Marlon Anderson to pinch hit, rather than Ramon "Shrek" Castro. Then inserting Castro into that spot, thus using Anderson for only one AB.

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If Mike Pelfrey throws a pitch, and nobody's around to hit it, is it still a meatball?

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Carlos Delgado still sucks in Game 2!

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This guy REALLY enjoys his cell-phone golf.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketAlmost as much as Dynamo enjoys his ice cream. Damn you lactase-producing-humanoids!

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I gained 6 lbs during this day. That's not a joke. I think I can see myself sprouting a double-chin in this picture.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketMagadan and Dynamo are incredulous that Willie has lost all of his pinch hitters in a 1-run ballgame in the bottom of the 9th and Tom "Mr. 299" Glavine must now pinch hit.

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When Dave Magadan is sad the angels cry.

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Things Ken Dynamo doesn't like: Willie Randolph, Paul LoDuca, having to urinate on the 7 train.

Shea Day 2K7. The End.

You go do it, Tommy

I wanted to be the first to do a glavine/300 the movie bit. I'll post more on Shea Day 2k7 when I'm less hungover.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Shea Day

Shea Day 2007

Dave Magadan - present
Rory B. Bellows - present
Ken Dynamo - uh, recovering from the previous evening. A little bit tardy.

10:35a.m. - Magadan and Bellows meet up and hop on the 7 train (aka the John Rocker train filled with some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids)

12:07p.m. - Mets take the field. The ball boy goes into the locker room to alert Rickey Henderson to put his shirt on and stop looking in the mirror

12:08 - Bellows offers 1:15 as the over/under for when Dynamo gets to his seat. Magadan takes the over.

12:10 - El Duque takes the mound, and celebrates his 86th birthday

12:14 - Gotay misses a catchable pop up at deep 2nd base, breaking El Duque's perfect game and no hitter.

12:25 - Magadan feels horribly for the 4 year old girl sitting in front of him, as the girl is dressed in shorts and a tank top and will surely get burned by the beating sun before game's end.

12:26 - Magadan mentions the same sun issue regarding Bellows' own unprotected epidermal layer. Bellows challenges the sun to a duel and then insults its mom.

1:10 - Ken Dynamo finally shows up to the stadium 3 innings late, rendering Magadan's prediction of "over 1:15" to be wrong, barely. The sweat evaporating from Dynamo's body registers a BAC level of .25.

2:30 - stuff happens

3:44 - Mets win, duh

3:46 - Rickey Henderson takes a victory lap around the stadium - gives post game interviews to Bob from Brooklyn and Steve from Long Island, two guys who were sitting in the Pepsi picnic area. Rickey offers to autograph Bob and Steve's baseball. They decline.

7:10 - Mets take the field for game 2 of the day. Dynamo watches Paul Lo Duca warm up Pelfrey and ponders whether he has ever had more disapproval of a pitcher/catcher battery in Mets history.

7:35 - Dynamo consumes 38th beer of day. Raises BAC level to .45

8:41 - Magadan says "hello" to Bellows' friend thus ensuring for the 3rd consecutive day he talks to at least one female.

8:59 - While the Nats' pitcher warms up between innings, Rickey takes off from the 1st base coaches box stealing 2nd. The umpire calls him out. Rickey picks the base up out of the ground raising it in the air. Security removes Henderson from the field, and El Duque comes in to coach first. El Duque becomes the first person in MLB history to pitch, pinch run, coach 1st and turn 86 on the same day.

10:15 - Tom Glavine pinch hits...in the 9th inning...down by 1...with at least 2 more Mets pinch hitters left on the bench.

10:19 - Game over. I didn't really pay attention to who won.

1:31a.m. - Later at the bar, Bellows pours beer on dude's shoe, on purpose.

2:45 - Dynamo BAC - 94%

4:21 - Dynamo fills paramedics' IV tube with Jaeger and hooks self up

4:55 - Thank you and good morning

Friday, July 27, 2007

But Shea Day only meant E-Z's pay day

Your intrepid bloggers travel to Flushing tomorrow for GMDB's first ever SHEAD DAY 2K7. Dave Magadan, Rory B. Bellows and Ken Dynamo will be pounding frosty tall ones at the Mets Nads double header, together again, for the first time.
There will be more following the weekend. No need to bother making predictions, the Natty Nats are 1st-half-of-Major-League bad. You'd have to be a Superfan of Da Nads to pick Washington to do anything but lose by double digits.

I'm also going to heckle the shit out of Ryan Church, that fuckin asshole.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Muera Yanquis

Don't look now but if wins were determined by pythag alone we'd only have 54 wins and the Yanquis would have 62!


Wednesday, July 25, 2007


While not a tragedy of a magnitude as some, Moises "Glass Joe" Alou is still not ready to return from the DL. Rather than bemoan this brittle old man's physical ailments and interminable convalescence, I'll just make a bunch of lame piss jokes.

Don't ask why, you know why.

Get well soon Moises, these hands aren't just going to piss on themselves, y'know.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Big Pud is Desperate

Nice negotiating skills Lo Duca. I'm guessing you learned the gentle art of subtlety from your experience with your cheery divorce settlement.

Friday, July 20, 2007


Mon Aug 27-Thur Aug 30 Mets at Phillies (Atlantic City is a mere 45 mins ride from Citizen's Bank Park)

Fri Aug 31-Sun Sep 2 Mets at Braves (Braves recently unveiled $60 seats all you can eat and drink, beer included)

Airtran has 3 way flights between Philly->Atl->Newark for around $250

Fri Sep 7 & Sat Sep 8- Mets vs. Hou back home at Shea

Sun Sep 9- Jets vs. Pats- Opening Day at Meadowlands (I'll be pouring out a cold one for Shea Stadium who will miss his first opener in many years... I'll also be pouring a glass of Ken Dynamo's urine onto Tom Brady. Yeah, it is a little weird that I keep a glass of Dynamo's urine around, I admit.)

Mon Sep 10- Rory B. Bellows starts his job at the law firm of Tankard, Lee & Quips

Approx Fri Sep 14- Rory B. Bellows gets served with papers relating to his battery of Tom Brady (yes, pouring urine on someone would be considered a battery in most states)

This confluence of events happens once, maybe twice in a lifetime... as Homer Simpson once said, "All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer."

Julio Franco is more dead to me than my dead mother

I didn't feel like doing any ANALysis or reading about the stupid dodgers who can go to hell so I did this instead. I hope the Atlantards are dumb enough to give this thousand year old sack of crap at bats, just so they can see him swing his ridiculous 90 pound bat 10 seconds after a 88 mph fastball whizzes by.

He also can't field and is incontinent. Nice pick up you stupid stupid braves.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I don't read stupid padres blogs

but if i did i'd probably read this one

thanks for being a good sport dex! Now die padres!


Look what we found when GMDB went undercover. Click her for extreme NSFW Peavy pics!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


As an addendum to the previous HOF piece:


This really does a much better job than I ever could. Damn you, Bill James. I'll get you one day, Gadget...

Friday, July 13, 2007

Rickey Wan' Coach First Base

Is it just me or might the Mets have been better served hiring a 1B Coach who can:
1) Read English
2) Speak English
3) Be understood while speaking English

Let alone one who speaks Spanish. Just asking...

Mets record P.R. (Post-Rickey): 1-1.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Appall Star Game

The National League has now increased its decade long All-Star Game winless streak, ensuring the Mets be required to win the World Series in 6 games if they decide it appealing to claim it in front of the home fans. So who's to blame for taking away our chance at doing so in even more dramatic fashion in a game 7?

First, before placing blame elsewhere let's analyze ourselves. Mets accounted for 5 of the NL's 9 hits and half of its runs, so clearly it is not the fault of the Mets hitters. What about our pitching however? Though Wagner didn't get the loss, he did give up runs # 4 and 5 which were decisive in the final score. We'll average out the positive factor of Mets hitters and the negative performance of Mets pitching and call it a wash.

Could it be Chris Young's fault? After all he was the losing pitcher of record. And he did go to Princeton, which is only the 2nd best school off of Route 1 in New Jersey (Rutgers!). The Padres, via Young, might make for a good scapegoat for the NL loss, but Trevor Hoffman NOT blowing it supremely this year and Jake Peavy not disgracing the starting spot barely gets them out of the hole.

How about the Cardinals? LaRussa was the manager after all, and the only NL player not to get in the game was Casey At The Bat Albert Pujols. Uh, career worst slump or not, wouldn't the bottom of the 9th with two outs and the bases loaded make for a fine time to give Albie a couple cuts? But alas, rather than blame someone who didn't play, let's blame someone who did, and because we don't like them in general...

THE PHILLIES. Chase Utley and Aaron "Not Even Close To As Tough As Lenny Dykstra's Manicurist" Rowand accounted for zero. Except for one shutout inning pitched, the Phillies just took up at bats and space. And Rowand, up in the stereotypical situation kids with whiffle ball bats dream about - 2 outs bottom of the 9th bases loaded down by 1 with a packed stadium on its feet around you - blew it. The worst team in the history of sports with their all-time loss count at 9,999 for tonight couldn't keep its crapulence to itself.

Do the Mets 2007 All Stars deserve to be there?

Now that it's mid-summer classic time, lets do a run down of the all the Mets on the 2007 ASG roster.
LaRussa, drunk on life, thinks the all-star game is a showcase for failed starters and picks about a dozen relivers, included Billy Vagner. Vagner is having a great year so far but relivers get exactly as much respect as they deserve, which is not much, so I'm skipping the analysis.

Carlos Beltran may not be having a superstar season, but with 16 ding dongs already it's no bust neither. Sure, Eric Byrnes has a better OPS and a full run up on C-Belts' RC/27 (my stat of choice), but let me just tell all you doubters and nay sayers this: Carlos Beltran's mole has a dick, and it's dick is bigger than your dick.
Up next is our Yuppie Gatorade shilling 3rd baseman
Lets see how D Wright fares agsint his main compition, Larry Jones and Miguel Cabrera, in OPS+ and RC/27
Wright: 135, 7.26
Miggy: 158, 7.90
Larry: 168, 8.66
OK - not as good, but certinaly not bad either. Plus when you factor in defense, and the fact that Larry is an injury-prone pederast and Miggy is a fat fucking shit, I think the choice is clear.
Finally, Jose Reyes, whose only realy comp at SS is Hanley Ramirez. They're stats match up liek this
Jose Jose Jose: 123, 6.89
Handjob Ramrearses: 148, 7.94
Well, I dunno, tough shit Hanley, Reyes plays in a better market. If it's such a big fucking deal to you then ask to be traded to better town you fucking baby.
The only real snub this year would be John Maine, who is 4th in the NL ERA and tied for 1st in the league with 10 wins. Also when he takes a piss it's even funnier when he says he's gotta go 'drain the Maine vein.'
So lets hope that miserbale bastard Hoffman doesnt blow it again this year!

Monday, July 9, 2007

It is high! It is far! It is... caught by the rightfielder!

Ladies and gentlemen, the All-Star break is upon us! Mr. Bellows has already done a lovely job expressing his disdain for Tony LaRussa's selections for the actual game, but the All-Star Game is always a turgid heap of cow penises anyway. Though I'm devastated that Julio Franco was snubbed from the home run derby, there's no doubt that it's still the marquee event of this, one of the most boring sporting days of each year. So allow me, if you will kind reader, to handicap the proceedings.

Side note: I'll probably just watch my time-shifted episode of Man vs. Wild instead.

Our contestants are: Justin Morneau (fake MVP), Vlad Guerrerro, Magglio Ordonez (apparently in the contest because he has a high batting average), Ryan Howard (the once and future king - is it okay to say good things about a Phillies player on a Mets blog?), Prince Fielder (obvious fan favorite because he is young and fat), and two late additions; Albert Pujols (no home runs in his last 5334 at bats), and Alex Rios.

A cursory glance would suggest that Howard and Fielder will duel to the death. Howard comes into the competition on a hot streak, and he has the moxie one would expect from a champion derbyite. In my air-tight expert opinion, Howard will be in the finals again. But Fielder, entering the competition in this, his super-duper breakout year, hopes to be this year's Howard (assuming he actually cares about winning a home run derby). I'm feeling a first round explosion followed by a second round dud from Fielder, who happens to be my second favorite man named Prince.

Justin Morneau will make the finals, only to fall to Howard in the end. Morneau, despite my dig at him up there in the first paragraph is having an incredible season, with a VORP of 52 and an EqA of .311. I haven't checked how either of those numbers compares to everybody else in the derby, but since I'm now a part of the baseball "blogosphere" I feel compelled to mention them. He also hit 3 home runs yesterday... that has to count for something.

Those of you actually watching will have to withstand several terrible "Island of Dr. Morneau" jokes from Chris Berman. I'll be watching Bear Grylls cook a zebra heart with his shoelace though, so I won't have that problem.

I bid you adieu for now, loyal readers! And when everything I just wrote turns out to be horrifically wrong tomorrow morning, I will push it down the main page with a mellifluous box of blog goodness; a review of ESPN's television megaevent, Bronx is Burning!

Friday, July 6, 2007

Post Headline Prediction


Also- major pet peeve about this game. DON'T F-ING BENCH REYES FOR ANY REASON AT ALL! Let alone not running out a groundball that he thought would go foul in a 4-0 game in the 8th. This is the same man that continues to run out Scott Schoeneweis game after game, loss after loss, gopher ball after gopher ball; and he's attempting to piss off our 24 y/o stud SS?! WTF?!

Why don't you bunt more, dick?

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Introducing the Newest GMDB Member

In the beginning, life was good. Everyone was complacent and all were happy. Then one fateful morning a stir arose in the blogosphere. Rumors spread about the coming of someone called "Adebisi." We were told of his amazing writing talents, and affinity for breaking down MLB box scores. He stood 10 ft tall and shot lightning bolts from his eyes and fireballs from his arse. We all trembled with fear at the coming of this demigod.

Flash forward. Alex Rodriguez's wife is wearing inappropriate shirts to Yankee games, the Mets are 4 games up on the Braves, Mets playoff probabilities near 75%, David Eckstein and Darin Erstad are BOTH injured (gritty/hustletastic, my ass!), the All-Star game beckons, the trade deadline looms, the Brewers have the best record in the NL, the Red Sox might actually win the AL East, the Phillies have been outscored by 11 runs, Barry Bonds is about to break (cough, steroids, cough) one of sports' most hallowed records, Frank Thomas has already hit 500 HR, 4 more players may get there before October... Only one blogger could DARE comment appropriately on all these concurrent MLB stories.

He comes from Nigeria, by way of the US Penal System. Straight out of Oz, I GIVE YOU....

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I'm Talking to YOU, David Wright!

Which 2 of these pitchers deserve entry into the All-Star Game:

Pit 1- 9-4, 102 IP, 84 K, 150 ERA+, 1.15 WHIP

Pit 2
- 9-4, 111 IP, 116 K, 114 ERA+, 1.22 WHIP

Pit 3- 10-3, 110 IP, 81 K, 134 ERA+, 1.16 WHIP

Or THIS MAN:Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

CLEARLY it's #'s 1 and 4. F U TONY LAPOOSSA! I can only assume that you were drunk off of Dynamo's urine when you made these colossally horrible picks.

Also- D. Wright probably should not be the starter. Miguel Cabrera is an absolute beast of a man at 3B. Thus, I implore Mr. Wright to buy Mr. Maine a plane ticket to lovely San Fran and allow him the All-Star experience. You know... because grown men care more about being named "All-Stars" than they do about having three days off... wait a minute...

Let's get ready... to start getting ready!

GMDB will be making some BIG BIG moves in the near future. I don't want to reveal too much, least we dissapoint our fan by prematurely blowing our climax too soon all over his face, but let me just say that I hope everyone enjoyed Shea Stadium's two whole nonsensical jagov posts, because it's the last you're going to hear from him for a while.

Shea Stadium is a good guy, however, so I think a roast is in order. And by roast I mean I'm going to be making a lot of posts pointing out what a stupendous jack ass he is.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Interleague sucks... for the Braves

Every year since interleague play started the Mets have played the Yankees 6 times, and every year (except this one) the Yankees have been one of the best teams in baseball.

This year, The RedSox are one of the best teams in baseball who the Braves had to play 6 times and only now is interleague all the sudden considered a national travesty.

Waa waa boo hoo. Where was Dave Studeman's righteous campaign all those other years when the Mets were getting screwed? And we're still the only team that plays every playoff team of '06 in the regular season. I'm glad interleague play is finally screwing someone else over. Good for interleague play. Good for stupid whiney Chipper Jones and his impossible schedule. Go to hell you stupid prick.

Speaking of whiners, Big Pud is no longer talking to the press because is a big dummy. Of course the press is going to write shit about you, Paulie; you're an idiot who makes asinine comments and your personal life is a mess. John Peterson does a good job explaining my thoughts in detail, here and here, which is good because I'm lazy and would rather just call him a clown and be done with it.

Anyways, time to beat the Roxzorz and their ugly uniforms. And keep those playoff probabilities moving up.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

HOF Players Around the AL East

I started thinking today, which current team has the most future Hall of Famers on it, and then thought, "Hmm- I'm hungry. I should order some food." So after eating broccoli with garlic sauce I decided to take a blog-o-riffic run through MLB rosters (but then it took me just under an hour to get through the AL East, so I decided to stop there) and here are my results.

AL East:
Red Sox:
Schilling- IN. He's a sure thing, by virtue of his K total. 213 W, 3.46 ERA, 38pitches.com, 3086 K's/707 BB. I've always liked Schilling, fake-bloody-sock or not. The most interesting/best thing Schilling ever did were his various open letters to the public during the 2002 offseason and after 9/11. Personally I remember that his 2002 letters got posted online about 10 minutes before I had class (Principles of Logic- hey it was a good way to meet underclassmen girls as a junior in college; sadly being the "ace" of a mediocre Division III baseball team didn't impress the ladies as much as say, the base of a kicker's dong.) I printed out his letters cribbed them in my notebook during class and read them while my prof droned on about syllogisms.

Ramirez- IN. 481 HR as of now. He should hit 500 by the end of the year and that's an automatic. Also- he pisses in the Green Monster and went to HS in Washington Heights, which is kinda cool. Thus he's in. More for the pissing than the HR, but either way.

Ortiz- OUT. 244 HR and he's 31 years old. He'd have to go on an HR tear akin to what Bonds did after Balco/Anderson/Steroids/etc...

Blue Jays:
Thomas- IN. 500 HR

Clemens- IN. Unfortunately.

Rivera- IN. 423 Saves, and he's been just an all-around stud for his whole career.

Pettitte- OUT. I say he's got a shot though. 190 wins, 35 years old. He'd need to pitch for a LOOOOOOONG time, but it's not completely out of the question. Hopefully, the Lord will keep him healthy and pitching for the Evil Empire for years to come.

Mussina- OUT. But another guy with a shot. 243 wins, 38 years old. Looks like he needs 5 years to get to 300 wins, and I don't think he has 5 years left.

Posada- OUT. Nuff said here.

Giambi- OUT. 357 HR, 36 y/o. Looks to me like he's going to need 4-5 years to reach 500 HR, and I don't think he's going to get there.

Damon- OUT. 2019 H, 33 y/o. He'll need 7 healthy years to get to 3000, and I don't think he's got that in him.

A-Rod- IN. 492 HR 31 y/o. This guy's just awesome

Jeter- IN. 2255 H, 33 y/o. Also, he's from Pequannock, NJ so that's worth a few votes from the BBWAA.

Tejada- OUT. 1671 H, 247 HR, 31 y/o. I don't think he's going to hit any of the magic numbers.

Crawford- OUT. 896 H, 25 y/o.

Kazmir- OUT. 27 W, 23 y/o.