Wednesday, December 26, 2007

More non-baseball twaddle: Entourage Holiday Bro-tacular

Vince, Eric and Turtle are sitting in Vince's new place. Drama comes out with a steaming pan of food.

D: Merry X-mas everyone, get your plates ready for some egg nog cassarole.

V: Merry x-mas to you Johnny, and that smells great may I had. You know its great we can still celebrate the holidays together, even though we've all moved out into our own places.

T: And I've got a present for all of you bitches - O Tannen-bud, Jolly old St. Ni-chonic, that sticky evergreen pine leaves.

E: Evergreens don't have leaves, Turtle, they have needles.

Turtle finishes unwrapping several joints from a napkin he pulled out of his pocket. T: Whatever E, you want your x-mas present or not?

V: I'll accept your present, Turtle. How very thoughtful of you.

D: I'll smoke with you, Turtle. Just as soon a I finish my Fitness Made Simple workout.

E: Fitness Made Simple, by fitness celebrity John Basedow?

D: He's the one. Guy's workout is the best. He makes Chuck Norris' Total Body Workout look like dog shit.

E: Isn't Chuck Norris kind of an asshole in real life, too?

Turtle, after taking a big toke of a joint: True dat. Chuck Norris fact: huge fag.

The gang all laughs. Eric's phone rings.

E: Ari - whats the good word.

Ari slams the door of his black S class Mercedes carrying 2 iPhones and talking on a third.

A: Two words Eric, Summer's Eve, as in you need to wash out that god damn vagina of yours, I can smell you from here Eric, the tuna has spoiled.

E: Shut the fuck up Ari.

A: No, E, let me tell you has a friend: you need to start douching your vagina. People are starting to talk.

E: Oh yeah you fuckin prick? Well talk to me about Don Helmut. When are his checks to the Medellin funding coming in?

A: Dinner tonight - he's brining the checks, so for fucks sake, wash your fucking vagaina.

Ari hangs up at Eric and then gives the finger to some guy who rides by on a bike and nearly hits him.

Later on at the restaurant Vince and Eric walk and and Ari comes out to greet him.

A: Hurry up and sit down, I don't know how much longer Don is going to last.

Eric and Vince look at him quizzically. Then they notice in the background Don, chugging a magnum of Champagne, flanked by 3 beautiful prostitutes.

DH: Look how fast I can drink this Champagne you whores!

Eric, Vince and Ari sit down at the table cautiously.

E: So, Don, I heard you brought some checks with you?

DH, shouting: In a minute, Eric - If you haven't noticed, I'm kind of busy with these whores!!!

Don puts his face between one of the prostitutes clevage and shakes his back and forth. Then picks his head up and looks at Vince.

DH: Vince! Look at these tits!!! They're big enough to play telephone operator with!!!

Don grabs one boob of another prostitute and puts it next to his ear. Then he grab the other boob and begins sucking on and saying "Hello!? Hello?!"

DH: Gentlemen - A toast!!!

Ari: Sure Don, I'm as much for mixing business with pleasure as anyone but aren't you taking it easy these days?

DH: Easy? What the fuck do I have to take it easy for? I'm back on top baby! I AM THE CHAMPION! In fact, forget these weak french shit [Don tosses the bottle of champagne carelessly behind him] I didn't buy all this blow to not snort it!

V: We just don't want to see you over do it Don. We want to be able to make more movies with you after Medellin.

DH: Over do it? [Don picks his nose up from a mound full of cocaine he had just dumped all over one of the prostitute's ass]. How could I over do it? I'm the best! The world's fucking greatest of mankind!!!

E: No one is saying otherwise Don but is all this really necessary?

DH: DON HELMUT DOES WHAT DON HELMUT WANTS!!! [Don stands up and kicks his chair over] You know what I haven't done since last time I got this fucking gaked up? [Don pulls out a hand gun and loads a bullet. Everyone else freaks out]. That's right, it's didi mao time! I don't know why everyone calls it Russian Roulette. The only people I've ever seen do it are chinks and slopes!!!

A: Don - think about what you're doin babe. Put the gun down.

DH: Hey! He're to being number one!

Done puts the gun under neath his chin and pulls the trigger. The bullet blows his brains out the top of his skull and he collapses dead on the table, tipping it over and making a colossal mess.

E: Holy Shit

V: Whoa

A [with one raised eyebrow]: I would have put my money on V.D. getting him first, but I gotta give him credit for style.

E: So what do we do now?

A: I think we all know what we have to do now. Vince is doing Thundercats.

V: Ari - how can you say something like that?

Ari just holds his palms up and stammers.

V: Ari -you know I want to do something meaningful in my career, and not the big box office schlock. It may not matter to you, but it matters to me. And you're supposed to know this Ari.

A: Yeah but Vince, baby, I'm your agent!

V: Not anymore Ari. You're fired. Come on Eric, lets go.

A dumbfounded Ari is left my Don Helmut's corpse and an equally shocked Eric follows Vince out of the restaurant.

Eric is now driving Vince home.

E: You know you really impressed me in there Vince. I didn't think you had that in you.

V: I liked Ari, Eric, I really did. But he just doesn't know what I want right now.

E: Which would be specifically?

V: You know Eric. I want to make some arty film for a couple months a year, then wander in and out of meaningless relationships as I sex up the beautiful women in hollywood, and then kick back and smoke a little bud. That's all I want really. To act a little and then bone all sorts of crazy hot ass and get high. Why can't Ari get that?

E: I don't know Vince, but I really wish I would finally accomplish some of my personal goals as well.

V: Yeah? You're not accomplishing you goals, Eric?

E: No, to be honest I'm not. All I want is to take care of my clients.

V: You mean client? It's still just me.

E: Right, but thats fine, all i need is you as a client. All I need to to manage your career. And have a girlfriend that walks all over me.

V: Wait, what was that last part?

E: You know, I just want a girlfriend to tell me what to do all the time. And kinda, not respect anything I do or say. And belittle my opinion. And then step on my balls after sex. But you know this.

V: Yeah, I did know this. Look Eric, you're my best friend, so I'm telling you this cause I love you, but you're a bitch.

E: What?

V: It's true, you just want to be a little bith. You want to remove your cock and balls and replace them with a big sandy vagina. It's not that I'm ragging on you, it's just that you are the definition of a pussy.

E: Yeah, you know, you really all right. I should stop fighting it and just accept the fact that I'm a bitch. And you know, now that I have, it's not so bad.

V: Hey, some people are bitches, no big deal.

E: All right, all right, good talk, but we still have to worry about how we're getting money for Medellin now that Don Helmut is dead.

V: Eric, you worry to much, things will work out.

E: That's what you always say.

Vince and Eric get back to Vince's home where Drama and Turtle are over playing the video game Rock Band.

E: Have you guys been hear playing Rock Band the whole time.

T: No, we also hit the bong a little bit. Yo I'm baked like muffins yo!

V: Sounds better than our day.

T: What happens at dinner?

E: It was a disaster - Don Helmut died and now we have no funding for Medellin. Then Vince fired Ari.

D: I'm sorry bro. Things went better for me when I talked to my agent. Turns out my TV show has been going so well that I'm now able to get decent parts in real movies. Now I'm cmpletely content. My career is back to a respectable level. I can still get high and clown around with Turtle, and I have enough ridiculously gay outfits to keep me looking like a vain fruitcake for years. I really have everything I need.

T: Oh yeah, and Vince, I found something earlier today that I think you can use.

Turtle pulls a box up from next to the couch and opens it.

T: It's a box of money! I found it in the back yard. There's like, 150 million in there so that should cover your Medellin money and leave plenty left over for me to buy ass loads of weed and stupid colored Yankee hats.

E: Hey, Turtle! Great! And I found out I can be happy leading this miserable pathetic bitch of a life.

T: Thats great it suits you, bitch.

V: You know what, I'm going to call Ari back. Now that we've got money, I'll rehire him and give him another shot.

D: So we're all happy and nothing ever changes. That calls for a fucking X-mas toast. Lets break out the Cuervo!

Everyone toasts together: Merry fucking Xmas!!!!

D: And a totally sweet and awesome New Years, bros.

The end

Monday, December 24, 2007

More Non-baseball pablum: Loki and Puck

Loki: Many years ago I convinced Thor of the Aesir that the reason for his impotence was that he was pregnant.

Puck: Pregnant?

Loki: Mm. He's not very bright.

And I told him to lie face down and naked on his sleeping furs until I came and delivered him of child.

P: And he listened to you?

L: I was disguised as a wandering physician. And, as I said, he's-

P: Not very very bright?

L: Exactly.

So I fed him a gallon of castor oil, pained his arse blue and shoved a cork in his bum-hole.

P: Why?

L: Because it amused me to do so. I told him it was the cure of his condition. Then I went off to sleep with his wife.

P: Ho Hoh!

L: She wasn't much of a lay. But it amused me to know it would destroy him if he ever found out.

So Thor is lying down with a cork up his fundament for a week and a day, while his insides continue to rumble their course.

And now he's got a pain in his gut like you wouldn't believe, as the pressure continues to build...

I'd told him he might experience some pain. That it was common in pregnancy.

Suddenly, into the room, through the open window, boundsRatatosk, the squirrel who lives in the branches of the World Tree.

Ratatosk is curious as any little squirrel.

And he climbs on top of Thor's straining buttocks and he - pulls out the cork.


It's an explosion - eight days' worth of oiled shit thunders forth from the fundament of the Lord of Storms.

And the mighty Thor sits up, and looks around, and sees Ratatosk on the ground, stunned, glassed, befouled.

And slowly, with hands as big as ham hocks, he picks up the little animal, and stares at it.

And then, with one ponderous motion, he clasps it into his bosom.

"You're ugly," he says, "you're hairy and you're covered in shit. But you're mine, and I love you!"

Puck and Loki: Heehehehehehehehahahahehehahehehahe!

The end

What did the deaf, blind and crippled Brave fan get for Christmas?


Happy holiday everyone. Except for the Braves. Specifically Larry Jones. I wish him an unmerry x-mas. A frigid, melancholic, disatrouous and painful xmas to you, Larry, you worthless piece of dogshit.

But merry xmas to everyone else.

So i'm crazy bored at work and will probably just leave soon because this entire neighborhood is a ghost town except for the for bums defecating all over the benches surrounding my office.

I'm so friggin bored that I actually looked up a bunch of old songs from summer camp and am singing them to myself right now. I am quite literally the only person in my office today.

Oh god work is so lonely.

Tho I did find this hilarious picture from something awful.
Haha, Albert Swerengen.

Anyway, for my xmas present, i would like Dave Magadan, Rory B. Bellows and Shea Stadium to post some more. Are you even still reading the blog? Hello? Guys?

As you can see, i removed Simon Adebisi from the rolls for lack of posting, (that experiment worked well) so clearly i mean business.

Ok im going to go shoplift for jesus. happy ramadan! And oh yeah, fuck dominick the fucking donkey.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Oh, a Wise guy, eh?

So while most of this off season has been rather doo doo, Omar made a nifty little move just now by signing Matt Wise, a pretty decent reliever for 1 year/$1.2 million. And as Eric Simon pointed out in the preceding link (what, you didn't click yet you lazy son of a bitch?) We basically traded 34 year old (Guillermo Mota) with a career ERA+ of 107, for a 32 year year old (Matt Wise) also with a career ERA+ of 107 AND saved over a million bucks.

Building a quality bullpen without committing multiple years to steroid abusers, are we now? Great fucking idea, Omar. Glad to see you decided to step up and act like a GM again.

I guess there is some concern about Wise falling apart last year after he crushed Pedro Lopez' (who?) face with a fast ball back in July, but I actually consider that a plus. This guy sounds like a bad ass to me. A real killer. We need more guys like Matt Wise and his insatiable lust for murder on this team.


That reminds me of a story.

So I was headed over to my speaking engagement at the local Junior League when I realized I was still carrying my boom box with me from the night before. It was a noon meeting and after tea I was due up. Instead of the lecture I prepared on Transcendentalist Allusions in 20th Century Sequential Art, I just broke out the boom box and started singing along. After each song I would turn up the music a little louder and bang my head a little harder - my boom box only contains the heaviest of metal. The audience was enthralled.

The ultimate track was also the loudest. It's chorus left no Junior Leaguer unmoistened.

For her lust, shell burn in hell
Her soul done, medium well
All through mass manual stimulation

I left the track on repeat and continued...




...until it truly was...


Friday, December 14, 2007



Thank you gomets2008, the commenter and Trentonian, for making my week so much brighter.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Big Pud is smrt

No sooner had the ink dried on Big Pud's generous $5 one year contract with the Nads did it get revealed that Lo Duca was one of the biggest pushers of HGH and steroids around the league.


There is so much more to this that you can find from better sources, but I just hope some certain Lo Duca apologists, whose names might rhyme with Att Ferrone, realize that this is just one more of many symptoms of horrible the stupidity that afflicts Big Pud. well Bowden, you may have fleeced Milledge from us, but you really fucked up on this one.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Bowden is stil an idiot - and more non-baseball crap

Let's get the baseball out of the way first. Bowden is a dumb shit. Chris Needham does an excellent job explaining to Nads fans why Paul Lo Duca is a degenerate waste of life, and also why it would be unconscionably stupid to sign him to play catcher, though at least it would give me someone to heckle now that stupid Churchie is a member of the Blue and Orange.

Moving on to the crap, it seems as though ChickSpeak is the gift that keeps on giving. Long time commenter and surly penguin, Rockyourface, was kind enough to share his own Reltionship Resume with us. Here's to hoping you "learn from the mistakes you made- or your partner made- in past relationships, and not drag them into the next loving connection," Rockyourface. I would also like to quickly add that Rockyourface left out the fact that he invented a new form of spooning with partner whose relationship was omitted from his resume. The move is called Ladling and is applicable when your ladle-partner resembles and weighs as much as Tony Siragusa.

Name: Roque Yorfass

Star Characteristics: Average Height, Average Length, Average Girth

University: Naughty America University

Degree: B.A. in Fart Hamology

Applicable Experience: 12 years using my right hand, Watched my dog hump another dog on my back porch while eating breakfast

Objective: A strong meaningful relationship with my soul-mate. My soul-mate being defined as anyone whose appearance accounts for less than 50% of my vomiting the next morning (booze accounting for the rest).


High School

Sophomore Year - Junior Year: Dated Ms. Knocked-Up alot

I liked:
  • Innocent Rounds of Mini-Golf
  • Holding hands at lunch
  • Holding hands on weekends
  • Dry-humping in mesh shorts
I disliked:
  • Holding hands at lunch
  • Holding hands on weekends
  • Dry-humping any other time
  • When she got preggers by another dude
Senior Year - Dated Ms. Could Hardly Read

I liked:
  • Hand jobs
  • Her youthful vivaciousness
  • Even more dry-humping
I disliked:
  • Hand jobs
  • Hand jobs
  • Hand jobs, not leading to blow jobs

Freshman Year - Dance Floor Make Out with Don't Remember

I liked:
  • Making out
  • Over the shirt boob feeling
  • Taking her from my insane friend
I disliked:
  • Look, I really don't remember it, alright?
  • Don't judge me
Freshman Year - Hooked up with Walrus

I liked:
  • Someone else using their right hand
  • She did not sleep in my bed
I disliked:
  • Myself afterwards
  • Anytime my wang touched anything for a week afterwards
Every Year Since College:

Dated: Girl Who Wanted to Date me in High School

I liked:
  • She was out of my league
  • She weighed less than me
I disliked:
  • Cuddling
  • Spooning
  • Soul-crushingly boring conversations

Monday, December 3, 2007

More non-baseball crap: Relationship Resume

Without going into too much detail, I just want to say that I am a huge fan of the website, Chickspeak. Like most of males, I am clueless about women and awed by their many splendors. By religiously reading Chickspeak, I hope to *ahem* keep abreast with young women who seek inspiration for 'Big Dreams, Strong Values and Success in the world', so that I may connect on a deeper, more personal level with these women, and then feel their splendors.

In any event, I'm still bummed about the exodus of Blastings Thrilledge and would like to digress a bit from baseball. Our tangent springs from this marvelous piece of advice. Below is our own Relationship Resume.

Kent D. Namo

Star Characteristics: Powerful, Potent and Pungent

University: School is for nerds

Degree: Black Belt

Applicable Experience: Super-AIDs. Also my elbow once accidentally brushed up against a boob.

Objective: To be comfortable with myself and to learn from past relationships about what I want to achieve in future relationships. I hope to meet a woman that fills my needs, and I will then get to fill her.


High School: Dated Whatsherface

I liked:
  • sweet make out sessions
  • playing tonsil hockey
  • exploring her mouth with my mouth
  • driving around in my Ford Mustang and making out
I disliked:
  • when she dumped me for that other asshole
  • her stupid face
  • what a bitch

Freshman year: totally plowed Whatshername

I liked:
  • I swear to god I did
  • you dont believe me? dude, everyone bone whatshername
  • no it was that time after finals winter term, no one else was around
  • whatever, I fucking did. fuck you.
I disliked:
  • I know she did like, a thousand other guys, thats what I just said
  • Do you think I care for one moment?
  • You're just mad you never got a chance
  • I was not a virgin!
  • Eat shit
Junior Year: Dated... wait... wait... oh yeah, her!

I liked:
  • Her living nearby
  • Her coming over late at night
  • Me never calling her any other time
  • Only interacting while drunk

I disliked:
  • Seeing her in class
  • Seeing her at night before I had gotten drunk
  • That time she got pissed just because I gave that sketchy townie all her tip money to go score drugs
  • So I made a slight error in judgment, big deal
  • Plus, what if he had come back with a bunch of drugs, that would've been sweet man, for sure

Every year since college: My annual birthday hooker

I liked:
  • The simple, uncluttered interface of the erotic services page on craigslist
  • Cheaper than mail order brides
  • It beats crying myself to sleep alone

I disliked:
  • Angry pimps
  • The painful reminder of failure
  • Chlamydia

Well that was a great soul-plunging fun. So now I am supposed to get laid tonight, right? I hope so, I don't want to have to go through this again.