Wednesday, December 26, 2007

More non-baseball twaddle: Entourage Holiday Bro-tacular

Vince, Eric and Turtle are sitting in Vince's new place. Drama comes out with a steaming pan of food.

D: Merry X-mas everyone, get your plates ready for some egg nog cassarole.

V: Merry x-mas to you Johnny, and that smells great may I had. You know its great we can still celebrate the holidays together, even though we've all moved out into our own places.

T: And I've got a present for all of you bitches - O Tannen-bud, Jolly old St. Ni-chonic, that sticky evergreen pine leaves.

E: Evergreens don't have leaves, Turtle, they have needles.

Turtle finishes unwrapping several joints from a napkin he pulled out of his pocket. T: Whatever E, you want your x-mas present or not?

V: I'll accept your present, Turtle. How very thoughtful of you.

D: I'll smoke with you, Turtle. Just as soon a I finish my Fitness Made Simple workout.

E: Fitness Made Simple, by fitness celebrity John Basedow?

D: He's the one. Guy's workout is the best. He makes Chuck Norris' Total Body Workout look like dog shit.

E: Isn't Chuck Norris kind of an asshole in real life, too?

Turtle, after taking a big toke of a joint: True dat. Chuck Norris fact: huge fag.

The gang all laughs. Eric's phone rings.

E: Ari - whats the good word.

Ari slams the door of his black S class Mercedes carrying 2 iPhones and talking on a third.

A: Two words Eric, Summer's Eve, as in you need to wash out that god damn vagina of yours, I can smell you from here Eric, the tuna has spoiled.

E: Shut the fuck up Ari.

A: No, E, let me tell you has a friend: you need to start douching your vagina. People are starting to talk.

E: Oh yeah you fuckin prick? Well talk to me about Don Helmut. When are his checks to the Medellin funding coming in?

A: Dinner tonight - he's brining the checks, so for fucks sake, wash your fucking vagaina.

Ari hangs up at Eric and then gives the finger to some guy who rides by on a bike and nearly hits him.

Later on at the restaurant Vince and Eric walk and and Ari comes out to greet him.

A: Hurry up and sit down, I don't know how much longer Don is going to last.

Eric and Vince look at him quizzically. Then they notice in the background Don, chugging a magnum of Champagne, flanked by 3 beautiful prostitutes.

DH: Look how fast I can drink this Champagne you whores!

Eric, Vince and Ari sit down at the table cautiously.

E: So, Don, I heard you brought some checks with you?

DH, shouting: In a minute, Eric - If you haven't noticed, I'm kind of busy with these whores!!!

Don puts his face between one of the prostitutes clevage and shakes his back and forth. Then picks his head up and looks at Vince.

DH: Vince! Look at these tits!!! They're big enough to play telephone operator with!!!

Don grabs one boob of another prostitute and puts it next to his ear. Then he grab the other boob and begins sucking on and saying "Hello!? Hello?!"

DH: Gentlemen - A toast!!!

Ari: Sure Don, I'm as much for mixing business with pleasure as anyone but aren't you taking it easy these days?

DH: Easy? What the fuck do I have to take it easy for? I'm back on top baby! I AM THE CHAMPION! In fact, forget these weak french shit [Don tosses the bottle of champagne carelessly behind him] I didn't buy all this blow to not snort it!

V: We just don't want to see you over do it Don. We want to be able to make more movies with you after Medellin.

DH: Over do it? [Don picks his nose up from a mound full of cocaine he had just dumped all over one of the prostitute's ass]. How could I over do it? I'm the best! The world's fucking greatest of mankind!!!

E: No one is saying otherwise Don but is all this really necessary?

DH: DON HELMUT DOES WHAT DON HELMUT WANTS!!! [Don stands up and kicks his chair over] You know what I haven't done since last time I got this fucking gaked up? [Don pulls out a hand gun and loads a bullet. Everyone else freaks out]. That's right, it's didi mao time! I don't know why everyone calls it Russian Roulette. The only people I've ever seen do it are chinks and slopes!!!

A: Don - think about what you're doin babe. Put the gun down.

DH: Hey! He're to being number one!

Done puts the gun under neath his chin and pulls the trigger. The bullet blows his brains out the top of his skull and he collapses dead on the table, tipping it over and making a colossal mess.

E: Holy Shit

V: Whoa

A [with one raised eyebrow]: I would have put my money on V.D. getting him first, but I gotta give him credit for style.

E: So what do we do now?

A: I think we all know what we have to do now. Vince is doing Thundercats.

V: Ari - how can you say something like that?

Ari just holds his palms up and stammers.

V: Ari -you know I want to do something meaningful in my career, and not the big box office schlock. It may not matter to you, but it matters to me. And you're supposed to know this Ari.

A: Yeah but Vince, baby, I'm your agent!

V: Not anymore Ari. You're fired. Come on Eric, lets go.

A dumbfounded Ari is left my Don Helmut's corpse and an equally shocked Eric follows Vince out of the restaurant.

Eric is now driving Vince home.

E: You know you really impressed me in there Vince. I didn't think you had that in you.

V: I liked Ari, Eric, I really did. But he just doesn't know what I want right now.

E: Which would be specifically?

V: You know Eric. I want to make some arty film for a couple months a year, then wander in and out of meaningless relationships as I sex up the beautiful women in hollywood, and then kick back and smoke a little bud. That's all I want really. To act a little and then bone all sorts of crazy hot ass and get high. Why can't Ari get that?

E: I don't know Vince, but I really wish I would finally accomplish some of my personal goals as well.

V: Yeah? You're not accomplishing you goals, Eric?

E: No, to be honest I'm not. All I want is to take care of my clients.

V: You mean client? It's still just me.

E: Right, but thats fine, all i need is you as a client. All I need to to manage your career. And have a girlfriend that walks all over me.

V: Wait, what was that last part?

E: You know, I just want a girlfriend to tell me what to do all the time. And kinda, not respect anything I do or say. And belittle my opinion. And then step on my balls after sex. But you know this.

V: Yeah, I did know this. Look Eric, you're my best friend, so I'm telling you this cause I love you, but you're a bitch.

E: What?

V: It's true, you just want to be a little bith. You want to remove your cock and balls and replace them with a big sandy vagina. It's not that I'm ragging on you, it's just that you are the definition of a pussy.

E: Yeah, you know, you really all right. I should stop fighting it and just accept the fact that I'm a bitch. And you know, now that I have, it's not so bad.

V: Hey, some people are bitches, no big deal.

E: All right, all right, good talk, but we still have to worry about how we're getting money for Medellin now that Don Helmut is dead.

V: Eric, you worry to much, things will work out.

E: That's what you always say.

Vince and Eric get back to Vince's home where Drama and Turtle are over playing the video game Rock Band.

E: Have you guys been hear playing Rock Band the whole time.

T: No, we also hit the bong a little bit. Yo I'm baked like muffins yo!

V: Sounds better than our day.

T: What happens at dinner?

E: It was a disaster - Don Helmut died and now we have no funding for Medellin. Then Vince fired Ari.

D: I'm sorry bro. Things went better for me when I talked to my agent. Turns out my TV show has been going so well that I'm now able to get decent parts in real movies. Now I'm cmpletely content. My career is back to a respectable level. I can still get high and clown around with Turtle, and I have enough ridiculously gay outfits to keep me looking like a vain fruitcake for years. I really have everything I need.

T: Oh yeah, and Vince, I found something earlier today that I think you can use.

Turtle pulls a box up from next to the couch and opens it.

T: It's a box of money! I found it in the back yard. There's like, 150 million in there so that should cover your Medellin money and leave plenty left over for me to buy ass loads of weed and stupid colored Yankee hats.

E: Hey, Turtle! Great! And I found out I can be happy leading this miserable pathetic bitch of a life.

T: Thats great it suits you, bitch.

V: You know what, I'm going to call Ari back. Now that we've got money, I'll rehire him and give him another shot.

D: So we're all happy and nothing ever changes. That calls for a fucking X-mas toast. Lets break out the Cuervo!

Everyone toasts together: Merry fucking Xmas!!!!

D: And a totally sweet and awesome New Years, bros.

The end

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