Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Bowden is stil an idiot - and more non-baseball crap

Let's get the baseball out of the way first. Bowden is a dumb shit. Chris Needham does an excellent job explaining to Nads fans why Paul Lo Duca is a degenerate waste of life, and also why it would be unconscionably stupid to sign him to play catcher, though at least it would give me someone to heckle now that stupid Churchie is a member of the Blue and Orange.

Moving on to the crap, it seems as though ChickSpeak is the gift that keeps on giving. Long time commenter and surly penguin, Rockyourface, was kind enough to share his own Reltionship Resume with us. Here's to hoping you "learn from the mistakes you made- or your partner made- in past relationships, and not drag them into the next loving connection," Rockyourface. I would also like to quickly add that Rockyourface left out the fact that he invented a new form of spooning with partner whose relationship was omitted from his resume. The move is called Ladling and is applicable when your ladle-partner resembles and weighs as much as Tony Siragusa.

Name: Roque Yorfass

Star Characteristics: Average Height, Average Length, Average Girth

University: Naughty America University

Degree: B.A. in Fart Hamology

Applicable Experience: 12 years using my right hand, Watched my dog hump another dog on my back porch while eating breakfast

Objective: A strong meaningful relationship with my soul-mate. My soul-mate being defined as anyone whose appearance accounts for less than 50% of my vomiting the next morning (booze accounting for the rest).


High School

Sophomore Year - Junior Year: Dated Ms. Knocked-Up alot

I liked:
  • Innocent Rounds of Mini-Golf
  • Holding hands at lunch
  • Holding hands on weekends
  • Dry-humping in mesh shorts
I disliked:
  • Holding hands at lunch
  • Holding hands on weekends
  • Dry-humping any other time
  • When she got preggers by another dude
Senior Year - Dated Ms. Could Hardly Read

I liked:
  • Hand jobs
  • Her youthful vivaciousness
  • Even more dry-humping
I disliked:
  • Hand jobs
  • Hand jobs
  • Hand jobs, not leading to blow jobs

Freshman Year - Dance Floor Make Out with Don't Remember

I liked:
  • Making out
  • Over the shirt boob feeling
  • Taking her from my insane friend
I disliked:
  • Look, I really don't remember it, alright?
  • Don't judge me
Freshman Year - Hooked up with Walrus

I liked:
  • Someone else using their right hand
  • She did not sleep in my bed
I disliked:
  • Myself afterwards
  • Anytime my wang touched anything for a week afterwards
Every Year Since College:

Dated: Girl Who Wanted to Date me in High School

I liked:
  • She was out of my league
  • She weighed less than me
I disliked:
  • Cuddling
  • Spooning
  • Soul-crushingly boring conversations

1 comment:

Goob Pistol said...

did RYF forget his march of the penguins co-star in the post college section? i'm thinking so.