Wednesday, December 24, 2008

GMDB Paramilitary Xmas Special

This post was going to be about how the Easter Bunny contracted me to whack out Santa Claus but unfortunately somebody beat me to the job.

I do, however, have another personnel story for the yuletide that has nothing to do with Xmas but I'm telling it anyway.

So by now everyone has heard the story of how Greg Jones, DE for the Tampa Bay Bucuneers, was inspired by the Teen Wolf character to legally change his name to Stylez G. White.

This was especially awesome for me because I once met the athlete formerly known as Greg in High School. My dorky suburban school was hosting a wrestling tournament that included Stylez' alma mater, The Malcolm X Shabazz Audio and Visual TV Production High School and Career Academies in Newark, NJ. No I am not making that shit up.

Anyway, back in the stone age no one had cell phones in high school so everyone had to wait in line to use the 1 pay phone at my school. I needed to call home for some shit so pulled up next to the booth in our gym lobby to wait for an enormous black man to finish his convo. Dressed in MXS HS gold and black warm up gear (go dawgs!), I quickly noticed this fellow tourney entrant was in no hurry to finish his call. Eventually he turned to me and just started shooting the shit, asking me how I as doing, inspecting the report card I had on my hands for some reaso and relaying all this info to whoever he was talking to on the phone ("Damn, this dude's got like all A's and B's and shit. Hey, you must be some smart dude, huh? Shit.")

Eventually, Stylez goes "Oh shit, I think this dude is waiting to use the phone. Hey man, you waiting for this? Shit, my bad! Ha, and I was all checking out his report card and he's waitin to make a call! Ha ha!"

Stylez then hung up, said my bad again and I made my call. I watched him destoy a bunch of fatties in the heavyweight division during that tournament and then casually followed his career as he manhandled people on his way to a football scholarship to Minnesota. I didn't much keep up with things until I say this fascinating news item circulating the interwebs, which very much brightened my day.

So that's my Stylez, nee Greg, G. White story. What? I didn't say it was going to be any fucking good, did I?

In conclusion, if any family members try to use the holidays as an opportunity to confront you about your drinking problem, may I suggest the following course of action?

Happy fucking holidays, except to you stupid stupid Braves who can fuck off and celebrate X-mas in hell!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

GMDB JUMPS UP YOUR BUTT: My famous balls of fame ballot

Even though Omar's got the hot stove burning like a crack pipe at the moment I'm still not going to pontificate on current events, (do you plotz for Putz? HAR HAR HAR). What I will do is steal a page from the Geezer Newspaper Reporters' Fieldbook and rant about the 2009 Hall of Fame Ballot. I will go down the list and award my yea or nay accordingly. I'll even include comments on each candidate as a bonus. Score! And I will do so this without doing any research or looking up any statistics whatsoever because: 1) stats are for nerds, not jocktackular studs like me 2) I'm fucking lazy, duh.

Ready? Touchdown!

Harold Baines: I will say no, because his name reminds me of Harold Reynolds and I hate Harold Reynolds. Mostly because I passed out while playing MLB2K3 or something and woke up to terrible voice over by Reynolds on some awful never ending loop. Pretty weak reason to exclude a guy from the Hall of Fame but tough bananas, Baines. My blog, my rules. Get fucked.

Jay Bell: No, but there is an awesome picture of Jay Bell checking some teammate's oil somewhere on the internet. If I can find it by the time I post I'll put it up so we can all enjoy a good laugh at the site of Jay Bell sticking his hand up another man's asshole. Oh whoops, that awesome pic was Jay Buhner, not Jay Bell. Well fuck that, not you're definitely not getting my vote motherfucker.
Bert Blyleven: Yes - please vote this Dutch piece of shit in so I don't have to read any more articles about how he deserves to be in. Besides, we should be rewarding the Dutch for giving us their fantastic ovens.

David Cone: No way asshole. That's what you get for abandoning the Mets and pitcing a no-hitter for someone else. I don't care if you if we traded you, it's still totally mibs. David Cone, I sentence you to narfle the garthog!

Andre Dawson: I am sayimg yes here, even though he probably doesn't deserve it. This vote is mostly for nostalgic purposes as my earliest baseball memories involved being pissed at the Cubs and Dawson during the 80's. I have a soft spot in my heart for the men of baseball who first taught me how to hate.

Ron Gant: I like Gant and can remember seeing him at the '92 all star game, the only ASG I've ever seen live, but I will still say no, because I'm pretty sure he fucking sucks.

Mark Grace: Fucking pussy. No.

Ricky Henderson: Cha! a-duh! If for no other reason than for going into the clubhouse to play cards during a playoff game after he was subbed out. What a fucking crazy person. He also played for minor league powerhouses the Newark Bears. Who fucking doesn't love Ricky? I can't wait for his acceptance speech to go up on Youtube. Over/under for 3rd person references to Ricky: 1000. At least.

Tommy John: I remember reading something like Tommy John shouldn't go into the HoF, but his doctor should, since the guy who came up with the revolutionary elbow surgery that bears John's name contributed more to the sport then any single player. Ok, fine with me, what the fuck do I care? Put the fucking doctor in the Hall. Great. Too bad the bookies killed Doctor Farthing anyway. So he's dead.
Don Mattingly: I don't hate Mattingly nearly as much as I hate fuckin Jeter, but I'm still saying no, in hopes that his exclusion to the Hall will piss off Yankee fans. Fuck the Yankees.

Mark McGwire: Abso-fucking-lutely. Arguments to the contrary revolving around his alleged steroid use are total bullshit. Who fucking cares if he roided? Everyone did. You were a fucking sucker if you didn't roid in the 90's. They didn't fucking test for the shit! Get this man in the Hall and get of your sanctimonious cloud you fucking dipshits.

Jack Morris: No, but with the caveat of yes if would insure him getting in so we can end the fucking debate between him and Bert fucking Blyleven.

Dale Murphy: This man was a Brave and not that awesome so, no. But then again, his fake signature did adorn my little league baseball glove so based on that rock solid credential, yes, of course his belongs in the hall. Those who disagree with me, suck cock by choice.
Jesse Orosco: Whaaaa? How is Jesse Orasco on the ballot. I love the guy but sorry buddy, this is a negatory. If if Orosco is on the ballot, why the fuck isn't super-scab union breaker all star Rick Reed? A travesty if there ever was one.
Dave Parker: I really don't know anything about this asshole so no.

Dan Pleasac: Ditto.

Tim Raines: This is the guy who's cocaine vile fell out of his pocket while stealing second or something, right? Yeah, that's what I thought. Of COURSE he gets my vote. A no brainer, really.

Jim Rice: You'd think I'd vote yes with the same reasoning as I used for Morris and Berto - but guess what, you'd wrong. Dead wrong, muthafucka. I personally don't give a poop if this butthead gets in or not, but because infuriating piece of shit Red Sox fans always flood any decent argument about this guy with a bunch of god damn bullshit, I will vote emphatically NO. BOSTON ASSHOLES: FUCK OFF AND DIE.

Lee Smith: Saves are US News and World Report college rankings of reliever statistics. Everyone checks them first to see how someone rates, but when you get down to it, they don't mean fuck all. No.

Alan Trammell: Uh.... Yes? There is probably a nuanced analytical argument' either for or against that guy but because I have important things to do (masterbate) I don't feel like looking it up so I will say yes because... uh... I dunno, go away, leave me alone!

Greg Vaugn: Are you fucking kidding me? I think this is one of those guys who gets put on the ballot just so he can be publicly embarrassed when the whole world sees that not a single voter thought he was worthy of the hall. Well that's mean! So not for nothing, but you got my vote. Congrats buddy.



Well, that's the whole ballot. Maybe if I had some some extra space I'd write in some sweet ass retired Mets. Like Butch Huskey. Anyway, according to my calculations, I voted for 43.8% of the eligible candidates who each have a 24% change of being elected and I have a 138% chance of getting drunk tonight.

Speaking of...

Alcoholic storytime
Last Saturday I didn't feel like going to some fucking house party that hired security and had a guest list so I took a cab home to enjoy some rot gut rum and some Tool CDs in the comfy confines of the basement of my suburban home. The party for one didn't go so well as my stomach full of Miller Lite found something disagreeable with he 20 odd ounces of Aristocrat and orange juice I tried chugging. So I threw up all over my basement bathroom for the second time in my life. Not something I'm proud of mind you. In fact, I'm pretty sure I popped some blood vessels behind my eyes I was yakking so violently.

And that is why I am a champion.
What I'm sorbing for dinner
A Tombstone pizza. Holy shit those cheesy frisbees are like mana from heaven. They remain, to this day, the only reason I have ever used an oven in my entire life. I also like to cut Tombstones with a pair of scissors. You think you have a better way to cut a Tombstone? Well fuck you.

I recently bought the first collection of Ultimate Spider-Man comics and I actually wish I wasn't enjoying it as much as I am. I mean it is really quite enjoyable. Siiiiiigh......

Celebrity Guest Star Sabremetrical Analysis: IRON MIKE TYSONI'm just a dark guy from a den of iniquity. A dark shadowy figure from the bowels of iniquity. I wish I could be Mike who gets an endorsement deal. But you can't make a lie and a truth go together. This country wasn't built on moral fiber. This country was built on rape, slavery, murder, degradation and affiliation with crime. Despite the insistence to the contrary by his agent, Scott Boras, Oliver Perez's performance in the last 5 years has been merely pedestrian and not Sandy Kofaxian, as evidenced by his 'Fielding Independant Pitching' stats. I just have this thing inside me that wants to eat and conquer. Maybe it's egotistical, but I have it in me. I don't want to be a tycoon. I just want to conquer people and their souls.

Tales from the Bad MS Paint Crypt
Obligatory player not on the Mets who'd I'd like to see walk in front of a fucking bus
Cole Hamels. I'd like to show this mulletted sonofabitch some choking. And I mean his throat, not his chicken.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves
Look at these sick pedophiles and the baby's penis they drew on Brian McCann's bat. If you're going to lust after peen, at least you go draw full grown man penis on the equipment of your fellow pederast, instead of little tiny boy penis. Disgusting.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade
Kid N' Play's Class Act.

Blade Brown and Duncan Pinderhaughes, a modern day Rosencrantz and Gildenstern if there ever was one. Er, two. Were two. Anyway, point is, this is some brillant dialouge right here:

Duncan: Did you hear me? I said that was stupid.
: Did you hear me? I said, "Thanks."
: Are you deaf?
: [misunderstood as "def"] Man, I'm the defest brotha on this block!
: YOU'RE deaf?
: [still misunderstood as "def"] That's right.
: [turns head] I think Blade Brown is the biggest asshole on the planet.
[Blade smacks Duncan upside the head]
: Hey! You're not deaf!

Hah, get it? Words sometimes have more than one meaning!

Mets related website that rocks it out like a champion
It's Mets For Me.

Check this out, dude curses, puts up silly pictures, makes a lot o comments on Amazin Avenue. It's like we are simpatico. Awwww.

Non Mets website that doesn't exactly make we want to barf my guts out
The Internet is terrible.

Trust me, if you enjoy any of the sick or weird crap that I write about on this blog you will LOVE The Internet Is Terrible. I mean want to tongue kiss your monitor it is so good.

Random Team Preview: Philadelphia Phillies
It's going to be tough playing next year after I've summon a volcano to erupt from directly beneath your stadium, smothering your entire team and fan base in molten lava! Burn in hell you Phillie bastards.
(too lazy to make crappy MS Paint of volcano blowing up stupid Philadelphia, but you can imagine, right?)

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women

They maybe lame-ish now and I haven't really heard anything from lately that made me want to run through a fuckin wall, but their first album S.C.I.E.N.C.E. is wholly bad ass. They were also bad asses at Ozzfest '98. That particular Ozzfest was amazing for featuring Megadeth, Tool and Ozzy on the main stage, and Snot, Incubus and System of a Down on the second stage. Pretty fucking amazing. Also amazing was that I wasn't drinking at that point. Least I remembered it though, right?

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties
N'Sync Dirty Pop

If you're into fruity techno, you'll probably recognize this song has a lot of similarities to most tracks produced by the legendary Brian Transeau, and that is because BT indeed produced this record. And so that is why I unabashedly jam out to this one Insnyc song (sorry, I mean, *NSYNC, you queer).

And no I don't know what this manga nonsense is all about but it's no less queer than the original unembeddable video I assure you.

Robocop made up quote of the week
What is it the problem, is it because I am he, a dickless cyborg?

So that wraps up our fourth up butt jumping, and I think we can go ahead and rule out any schedule I may try to force myself to adhere to from here on out. I would seriously like to post at regular intervals but as soon as I set a time frame I instantly start procrastinating and then it becomes a chore, and fuck chores, no one tells me when do do chores anymore. No one, or so help my I'll slice you right in half by the power of greyskull.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Hooray for Frank-Rod

so i'm going to be a little late with the jumping ups of the buttage again, so to tide us all over let's enjoy our Omar's signing of Krawd (I reject the K-Rod nickname, it's either Krawd or Frank-Rod for me) who I think looks like a sand person.

In other GMDB news, our South Korean corespondent Joe Vidosh, who sporadically posts as Shea Stadium, emailed me the SNL digital short 'Jizz In My Pants' saying it would be good to post. Well, everyone's already seen that shit and gotten sick of it by now so instead I'm going to post the other email Vidosh forwarded to me, originally from one of Joe's South Korean, um, friends.
I have affection for you forever.
I'd like to sacrifice for you with my everything without condition until death apart us.
I'm your rare expensive jewel.
you were lucky. our meeting was happened by the fate. even though it was in the market of one night stand, sex toy market.
my peppermint, kahula more gin vodka brandy
oh my cute hair band why tears in my eyes
no more sadness, you took my heart , oh baby
Holy shit, what a fucking disaster. Good luck with that Vidosh. And if you really want to see an awesome comedy clip with foul language than you should pay homage to the masters Bob and David.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

GMDB JUMPS UP YOUR BUTT: Harris Smith is great man

Hey look at that. It only took me 3 weeks to blow my first self imposed deadline. Oh well, good think no one tell me what to do. DO YOU HEAR ME? NO ONE!!!

Anyway, Harris Smith is, of course, the fake name Plaxico Burress gave to the hospital at which he sought treatment for his self inflicted gun shot wound. The story is of course, both pathetic and hilarious. Plax goes to a club the Friday before game he is not playing in because of a hamstring injury and proceeds to drunkenly fumble the 40 cal glock he has tucked into his sweatpants (
sweatpants!) while being escorted into the VIP section of a Manhattan club, non-seriously shooting through his thigh.

The NY tabloids obviously had a field day. This is the type of story that people at the Post pray for during a recession. Burress has also been eviscerated by blogs and mainstream media alike. Mayor Mike also had a few choice words for Fake Mr. Smith, imploring the NYP to 'throw the book at this deranged gun toting psychopath," or something like that.

All this is to be expected. What I find despicable and cowardly, however, is other Giants fan's readily giving up on our man Plax, calling him a disgrace, a selfish player and a club house cancer. That is complete horseshit. Plax is a grade a moron, no doubt, but not selfish. But of course, Gaints fans pride themselves on having a clean program, whatever the fuck that means in the pros. Fuck all that. If Plax could get the charges dropped on a technicality and be medically able to play this weekend, I would be all for it. Fuck your whiney moralizing and holier than thou bullshit you dipshit "fans". Plax is a part of the Giants family, and if you're so eager to cut and run when one of your family members makes a mistake than you are disgusting piece of shit, unfit for life.

Luckily, despite suspending him for the rest of the season, the Giants organization, from the players to the owners, see things my way and have been stonewalling the police. I don't have the link because I'm lazy but there was a great quote from the NYP investigator about how pissed off he was at the way no one in the Giants was giving him any information. Good, get fucked, pig. It's not like some innocent bystander got murdered. A dude accidentally fucking shot himself. BFG, now fuck off.

Finally, Harry Carson, also a great man and bona fide G-man Hall of Famer, wants Plax to play for Big Blue next year. If you call yourself a Giant fan and want to argue with Harry Carson then maybe you aren't a Giant fan. God damn sons of bitches.

Alcoholic storytime
In the first few days of the summer after my freshman year of college I had foolishly convinced myself that I had this whole binge drinking deal figured out. Though I had only first gotten shit faced less than 2 years before that, I also had one year of college level alcohol abuse under my belt and was confident that I could spend a few months living in my parents house while keeping up the same lifestyle I had become accustom to with no serious negative consequences.

Boy was that stupid. It didn't take longer than the first weekend for me to come home from some party drunk (and by party I mean me and 4 friends drinking a 30 pack in someone's basement) and decide that 2 am would be the perfect time to raid my parents liquor cabinet and do some bonding with my older brother. My brother has never been a big drinker and so was completely sober when I handed him a bottle of Jack Daniels and said, "Hey lets get fucked up."

Being sane, my brother poured a small measure of Jack into a cup of ice and mixed in a good amount of Diet Coke. I, on the other hand, grabbed the bottle by the neck, titled it back and started putting bubbles into it. Things when dark soon after that but I do remember going to the bathroom, blinking my eyes anddiscovering thereafter that I had plastered ever inch of porcelain with vomit. Whoops. Then, while attempting to clean up my mess, I tried pulling myself up off the floor by grabbing on to a towel rack. That promptly snapped like a twig, sending my sprawling out onto my own puke and causing an awful racket.

Mr. Dynamo wasted no time sprinting down there stairs to beat the shit out of me. I didn't drink again all summer. But sober was driving was totally fun!
What I'm sorbing for dinner
Fuckin' Taquitos, bro. These things are advertised as 3 for the price of 3. Really? Awesome, I'll take six!
So I was playing D&D with my brother, who is a dungeon master (I know, just stop there, right?) and someone had to roll 4D6, (that's four regular six sided die to you simple unlearned folk). The dude rolled a 1, 1, 2, 3, a very low and poor result. He was obviously disappointed until another player said, "Wait dude, that's awesome, you just rolled the first four numbers of the Fibonacci Sequence!" Many nerds proceeded to uproariously high five.

Celebrity Guest Star Sabremetrical Analysis: ODB
I'm into all assholes. I like it because it's tinier than a pussyhole. It's so tiny, it's tinier than a clitoris. When I get the feeling of licking a york peppermint patty, it's a sensation. Furthermore, despite being an overpaid, gimpy-legged, waste, Luis Castillo does actually provide some value in the lineup by being able to consistently put up an OBP over 360ish. Though his OBP+ is also consistently below average, this is skewed because OPS+ overvalues SLG, of which Castillo has none. In conclusion, I'm just lookin' for new girls to put babies in.

Tales from the Bad MS Paint Crypt
I didn't do this but it makes me laugh every time I see it.
Obligatory something that is awesome about the Mets
The Mets hosted the first sporting event after 9/11. Piazza hit an 8th inning bomb to help the Mets win a come from behind victory. If you weren't cheering for the Mets at that time then you are a godless communist sack of shit. Have fun getting fisted in hell you terrorist scum.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves
The Braves were playing in Mets in the first game after 9/11 and actually tried to win. What a bunch of goddless communist sacks of shit. Have fun getting fisted in hell you terrorist Atlantean scum.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade.

A movie about the what happens when a laid back SoCal surfer has to spend a summer in Cincinnati with a bunch of fuckin hockey players. That would fuckin suck, bra!

Check out the 6:15 mark for some ooooooooold school Jack "Augie" Black. Also staring Rob Schnieder as a stapler!

Random Team Preview: Detroit Tigers
I'm not going to lie, I'm predicting a really rough season for the Tigers. I mean, Detroit is going to have some talented players on their roster, but it's going to be hard playing the entire season in a post apocolpytic wasteland.

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women
Tool - Jambi


I could do with out this fuckin videos though, I'll be honest.

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties
B*witched - Cest La Vie.

Wow, I just now realized from watching the video that B*witched is 4 people and not 1. Also I have no idea what country this women are from. Judging from their accent I'd say either Scotland or Australia. Or maybe Wales. Or South Africa. One of those. Probably. Also Youtube says this video was made in 1998. I wonder what they look like ten years later. Whatever they do, chances are good I'd still B*ttfuck them.

Major Boobage
Fart Hammer. Best porno site ever. Look it up. A simple premise: a man has sex with a girl until he climaxes on her face. Immediately after he finishes spooging he turns around and shoves his butt in the girls face and a huge fart sound affect is played. BBBLLLTTTHHHTTHTHTTP. The result is comic gold. I think all things should be farthammer. I definitely named every fantasy team fart hammer for like 2 years and almost got the license plate FRTHMR. Seriously.

Robocop made up quote of the week

Well, maybe not the best Up Butt Jumping evar, and certainly not the most timely. But what do you expect? I'm a very important man with a lot of masterbating to do. In conclusion: PLAX > SEAN TAYLOR