This post was going to be about how the Easter Bunny contracted me to whack out Santa Claus but unfortunately somebody beat me to the job.
I do, however, have another personnel story for the yuletide that has nothing to do with Xmas but I'm telling it anyway.
So by now everyone has heard the story of how Greg Jones, DE for the Tampa Bay Bucuneers, was inspired by the Teen Wolf character to legally change his name to Stylez G. White.
This was especially awesome for me because I once met the athlete formerly known as Greg in High School. My dorky suburban school was hosting a wrestling tournament that included Stylez' alma mater, The Malcolm X Shabazz Audio and Visual TV Production High School and Career Academies in Newark, NJ. No I am not making that shit up.
Anyway, back in the stone age no one had cell phones in high school so everyone had to wait in line to use the 1 pay phone at my school. I needed to call home for some shit so pulled up next to the booth in our gym lobby to wait for an enormous black man to finish his convo. Dressed in MXS HS gold and black warm up gear (go dawgs!), I quickly noticed this fellow tourney entrant was in no hurry to finish his call. Eventually he turned to me and just started shooting the shit, asking me how I as doing, inspecting the report card I had on my hands for some reaso and relaying all this info to whoever he was talking to on the phone ("Damn, this dude's got like all A's and B's and shit. Hey, you must be some smart dude, huh? Shit.")
Eventually, Stylez goes "Oh shit, I think this dude is waiting to use the phone. Hey man, you waiting for this? Shit, my bad! Ha, and I was all checking out his report card and he's waitin to make a call! Ha ha!"
Stylez then hung up, said my bad again and I made my call. I watched him destoy a bunch of fatties in the heavyweight division during that tournament and then casually followed his career as he manhandled people on his way to a football scholarship to Minnesota. I didn't much keep up with things until I say this fascinating news item circulating the interwebs, which very much brightened my day.
So that's my Stylez, nee Greg, G. White story. What? I didn't say it was going to be any fucking good, did I?
In conclusion, if any family members try to use the holidays as an opportunity to confront you about your drinking problem, may I suggest the following course of action?
Happy fucking holidays, except to you stupid stupid Braves who can fuck off and celebrate X-mas in hell!