Hulu is the tits. straight up.

Check it, you can watch ALL THREE ROBOCOPS.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Your move, creep.

Non-baseball horsepucky: oh great, more fake katy perry lyrics. super.

Katy Perry very well may be a stupid pain in the ass, as some would contend, but check this out, she's cute and has great big knockers, so pretty much everyone is going to put up with her no matter what.

Anyway, I like staring at her huge juggs and writing totally stupid fucked up lyrics to her songs. Here are 5 new stanzas to Hot N' Cold, that you can substitute in after the bridge, or as you fit, from this original set of fucked up fake lyrics to the song.

Now tickle my taint;
Spray me with your paint.
You know my slogan,
Plug me with hogan.

So open your jeans.
I want that lean peen.
The cream will careen
On me: a wet dream.

I lust for deep dick.
Take it slow, not too quick.
For kicks I turn tricks;
One clit or six sticks.

I clap as you slap
My trap on your lap.
I am splayed in twain
By your sausage train.

You'll break from your fast
To dine on my ass.
I moan and I gasp;
My butt, your repast.

Alright, way to go me. Yet not fully satisfied, I also penned these inspiring lyrics to Perry's other smash single success, I Kissed a Girl.



I'm a chick with terrible luck
Getting guys to do me
They never want to just plain fuck
They're always screwy
These guys ask, for weird shit
Might as well just play along
So since you, asked for it
You got it, fruity

I pegged a dude, with a strap on
Least he don't wanna be crapped on.
I pegged a dude, what do I care?
It's not what I often wear

It's just I feel
It's no big deal
That his butthole won't be sealed

I pegged a dude, with a strap on
A strap on

I met him through an online ad
I have few options
He wanted this to happen bad
So I indulged him
I put on, the harness
With the big plastic dildo
Then he bent, right over
I filled his asshole

I pegged a dude, with a strap on
Least he don't wanna be crapped on
I pegged a dude, why the fuck not?
Put it right in his coin slot

It's just I feel
It's no big deal
That his butthole won't be sealed

I pegged a dude with a strap on
A strap on

I don't think it means he is gay
Plus it is not my place to judge
Just as long later on he goes
Down on me, sloppily
That's what I call a fair trade off

I pegged a dude, with a strap on
Least he don't wanna be crapped on
I pegged a dude, it was great fun
Hope there is more once we're done

It's just I feel
It's no big deal
That his butthole won't be sealed

I pegged a dude, with a strap on
A strap on

Yes, I know I just spent several hours of my life writing a song that attempts to justify straight guys getting buttfucked. Such is the tortured life of a genius. Deal with it.

Now is when all the effing eagles must effing die

Some sports fans like it when their rivals get "good" playoff match ups, and say things like, "You know fellow Giants fans, this is going to be a tough game with the Eagles, but we beat a lot of good teams last year, and always on the road. And with this classic match up, you wouldn't want it any other way would you?"

Fuck yeah I would! Fuck the fucking Eagles. Fuck spelling out the name of your team in a cheer, fuck the color green and fuck McNabb, Brian Westbrook, DeSean Jackson and every other cockbiting asshole on that team that I can't stand.

I hope bad things happen to the Eagles. I hope their bus break down on the way up thier turnpike. I hope they get food poisoning, I hope they stub their toes, I hope their trainer accidentally knocks a bottle of liquid heat onto their jocks a la Revenge of the Nerds. And do you want to know why? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THEM TO FUCKING WIN NEXT WEEK.

So most of all, I hope Arnold Schwarzenegger puts on a ridiculous yellow and gray jumpsuit and hunts down every Philadelphia Eagle, summarily executing them in increasingly elaborate and cartoonishly violent ways.

EAGLES DIE.

GMDB Paramilitary Xmas Special

This post was going to be about how the Easter Bunny contracted me to whack out Santa Claus but unfortunately somebody beat me to the job.

I do, however, have another personnel story for the yuletide that has nothing to do with Xmas but I'm telling it anyway.

So by now everyone has heard the story of how Greg Jones, DE for the Tampa Bay Bucuneers, was inspired by the Teen Wolf character to legally change his name to Stylez G. White.

This was especially awesome for me because I once met the athlete formerly known as Greg in High School. My dorky suburban school was hosting a wrestling tournament that included Stylez' alma mater, The Malcolm X Shabazz Audio and Visual TV Production High School and Career Academies in Newark, NJ. No I am not making that shit up.

Anyway, back in the stone age no one had cell phones in high school so everyone had to wait in line to use the 1 pay phone at my school. I needed to call home for some shit so pulled up next to the booth in our gym lobby to wait for an enormous black man to finish his convo. Dressed in MXS HS gold and black warm up gear (go dawgs!), I quickly noticed this fellow tourney entrant was in no hurry to finish his call. Eventually he turned to me and just started shooting the shit, asking me how I as doing, inspecting the report card I had on my hands for some reaso and relaying all this info to whoever he was talking to on the phone ("Damn, this dude's got like all A's and B's and shit. Hey, you must be some smart dude, huh? Shit.")

Eventually, Stylez goes "Oh shit, I think this dude is waiting to use the phone. Hey man, you waiting for this? Shit, my bad! Ha, and I was all checking out his report card and he's waitin to make a call! Ha ha!"

Stylez then hung up, said my bad again and I made my call. I watched him destoy a bunch of fatties in the heavyweight division during that tournament and then casually followed his career as he manhandled people on his way to a football scholarship to Minnesota. I didn't much keep up with things until I say this fascinating news item circulating the interwebs, which very much brightened my day.

So that's my Stylez, nee Greg, G. White story. What? I didn't say it was going to be any fucking good, did I?

In conclusion, if any family members try to use the holidays as an opportunity to confront you about your drinking problem, may I suggest the following course of action?

Happy fucking holidays, except to you stupid stupid Braves who can fuck off and celebrate X-mas in hell!

FYF: US Women's soccer team

I might as well say now that the next two weeks will most be filled with nothing but Summer Olympic posts but I'm assuming no one is going to care.

Anyways, fuck the Women's soccer team. back in 2007 Women's World Cup, their dumb ass of a head coach, Greg Ryan, decided to bench the best goalie in the world, hot piece of ace Hope Solo, during the semi final game against Brazil in favor of Brianna Scurry, based on the retarded reasoning that Scurry played an entirely different Brazil team well 3 years ago.


Unpredictably, the US lost and Scurry played like dog shit. Solo was like wise unpredictably furious and had the temerity to say so in a post game interview. Then the rest of her team got all PMS-y on her for 'putting herself before the team', egged on undoubtedly by the fucking retard of a coach Ryan so he would look less stupid for that retarded bit of tactics that blew up in his retarded face.

So now that the U.S. women's soccer team has decided that team harmony is more important than winning, I've decided that they don't deserve to win anymore. Fuck them and their stupid cry baby team of losers. I am glad Norway already beat their asses before the opening ceremonies. Boo to the US women's soccer team, Yea to all other women's soccer teams.

PS I don't mean for this to sound overtly misogynistic. In fact, I hate guys, I LOVE WOMEN!

Non baseball pablum: Olympic Gambling Pool

I think the Olympics are totally stupid. The instances of hypocrisy and bullshit are too numerous and tiresome to get into here, but I find the entire event quite distasteful. The whole jingoistic affair is huge turn off and I see no reason to throw my allegiances behind some previously unknown athletes merely because they were born within the same political boundaries as me or because NBC and their affiliated sponsors tell me to.

Thats why I relish the opportunity to gamble on them, and encourage everyone else to do the same. Gambling, as we all know, makes every sporting event better. And the best type of gambling involves a small sum of money that provides a monetary rooting interest in as many events as possible. That is why NCAA Tournament pools are so awesome. For $20 bucks I can now care about 33 basketball games that I would under other circumstances not give an underwater-pogo-sticking fuck about.

During each of the last summer and winter Olympiads, me and 4 of my friends have competed in an Olympic Team Pool, and even though it was an extremely slap dick operation, I can no longer imagine following future games without first throwing down 20 bucks on it.

The way it works is simple. We hold a snake draft where each player picks a country until all the participating National Olympic Committees (NOCs, ie participating countries) are taken and then for each medal a players' county earns, that player earns points, 3, 2 or 1 for gold, silver and bronze, respectively.

That's it. Pretty simple and it ensures that you'll have a rooting interest in nearly every event going on. A stupendous productivity killer if there ever was one.

You can read about the past 2004 Winter Olympic Pool we conducted on this old blog I used to write with my old college room mates here. Its a totally stupid blog, not at all unlike the one you're reading now.

Anyway, I'll be interrupting the regular GMDB news coverage with intermittent Olympic Pool news posts over the next two weeks. Wish me luck!

Non baseball pablum music plug

So my buddy, J P (and the Nis), just recorded an album that you can listen to and buy here.

It's just him sining with his guitar, but fortunately he's excellent at both, so if you're in to dreamy folk-rock and incredible fingerstyling, I implore you to give it a whirl.

Personally, I prefer something a little more mainstream, something with a nice hook and a beat you can dance to. Like Stefy here.



Sure, it's just a ripped off Devo riff carelessly tacked on to a blatantly derivative No Doubt single, but look, I've got to listen to SOMETHING while I stride away on the elliptical machine.