Thursday, May 31, 2007

Two stupid Barrys

There are virtually no cool people on the planet named Barry. These dickheads from San Francisco are no exception.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007



David Newhan is a frackin cylon

We have an infiltrator this season. Someone who has taken on the shape and form of a Met in order to circumvent our defenses and obliterate the organization from the universe. And this insidious threat is David Newhan.

Look, I know these Cylons and their tricks. It's all huggy-kissy when you first meet them in their sexy red dress and smokin hot body, but they're just using you to steal your secrets and exploit the holes in your system code to bring about your species' annihilation.

Thats Newhan's plan for the Mets!!!

You saw him show up to camp, indistinguishable from the rest of the team in his 'Mets' hat and 'Mets' uniform and then do nothing but shit the bed. Check out these numbers: .194/.326/.278!

You think thats just a slump and small sample size? Well how about this, -0.45 WPA!

We've got to take care of this robotic son of a bitch before it's too late.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Am I the Only One

Who can't believe what a stud Damion Easley is? .275/.356/.527, 7 HR 15, RBI in 33 games?! Gotta love those small sample sizes!

Friday, May 25, 2007

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

Time to get drunk! Fuck you Braves!

Thursday, May 24, 2007


Here are some of the things I'd rather have occur to me than have the Braves take another series from the Mets:

Braves Win Pyrrhic Victory, Mets Will Win War!

With Renteria, Francouer, Andruw, and McCann going a combined 1 for 12, the Braves were thoroughly embarrassed last night. Smoltz got win #200, to which Tommy Glavine reportedly said, "200?! HA! What is that, some kind of joke?! 200?! In 35 more years he might get to 250 with that scheisse lineup they put on the field in Atlanta."

Mets lead in the NL East down to 1.5 games heading into a 3-game-set in Florida. Duque vs. Sergio Mitre, Maine vs. Obermueller, Sosa vs. Olsen. Interestingly the Marlins were involved in a bizarre 11-inning walk-off win today, in which the benches cleared and Fredi Gonzalez was ejected. It's a short trip from Atlanta to Miami, so the Mets should be rested and the Marlins should be a little tired. Also the Mets miss Dontrelle in the rotation. Rory's prediction: METS SWEEP! Hopefully Willie has instituted a rule prohibiting late night taxi rides to Little Havana for Cuban food.

One final note- don't forget to vote for the Mets for this year's All-Star Game. Particularly vote for the following Mets who have ASG-selection bonuses in their contracts:
Wagner- $25K
LoDuca- $25K
Duque- $50K (for ASG MVP)
Valentin- $25K for ASG appearance ($50K for ASG MVP)
Delgado- $50K
Glavine- $50K

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Someone please shoot Pete Van Wieren and Skip Caray

These braves announcers on TBS are the absolute worst. They are seriously more boring than laundry. I officially reached my limit when we brought in Burgos and the one asshole read the wikipedia article about the historical figure Ambiorix, after which the older asshole laughed like some geezer who just found out his baby grandson just took a dump.


So I'm done. This shitty game is over and The Sopranos repeat awaits. Which reminds me, by the way, that Minaya must remember never to compromise in his search for more starting pitching or a replacement 2B. I should know, since being in the can for 20 years I had to make a lot of compromises. When I wanted to eat a steak dinner, I'd have to comprise and eat grilled cheese off the radiator. I'd wanna bone a woman, but I compromised and jerked off into a tissue. So yeah, I know about compromise.

Going Through the Blogs

So here's 2 quick links to other blogs for you:

1- An industrious VivaElBirdos reader has taken the time to come up with, what seems to me, to be an interesting statistic. Solanos, the reader, has looked at overall W-L record, W-L record immediately before a series and W-L record immediately after a series to derive "Challenge Rating" (basically a stepped-up strength of schedule type metric). You can head on over there yourselves to see the actual statistic and graphs (really interesting stuff). Although I'm still a firm believer in independent trials, therefore the fact that a team happened to be "hot" coming into a series doesn't mean they will continue to be "hot" during that series, the stat does seem to be an improvement over traditional strength of schedule.

2- ProjectProspect has updated their list of the Top 50 prospects in the game. The Mets entries are as follows: 17- OF Fernando Martinez (whose been out recently with a finger injury); 28- OF Carlos Gomez (who I think has been quite good at the major league level recently) and 49- P Phil Humber.

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The Bravos have C/1B Jarrod "Don't Call Me Ralph" SaltalaMACCHIO at #14 and SS Elvis Andrus at #37. As for Saltalamacchia I understand a lot of teams have Saltalamacchia rated higher than McCann, but the Braves won't trade him. Therefore, particularly with Craig Wilson's release we should expect one of them to move to 1B permanently (ala Mike Jacobs/Josh Willingham)

Monday, May 21, 2007

Nice zits, Clippard

One of the greatest things about having a massive 42'' Panasonic projection TV is the ability to see, in in stunning high definition detail, the disgusting acne riddled face of Yanqui pitcher Tyler Clippard. Some of the sting of getting shut down by a rookie bee-otch was mitigated by knowing the guy who just mowed down your team still scrubs his turkey neck with Clearasil pads.

I also laughed when Darrell Rasner broke his hand. Ha Ha Ha, F-U, puss-wa.

Now its time for those fuckin' Braves again. For this series, 2 of 3 won't be good enough. Screw 'natural rivals' weekend, I want a bloodbath. And again, as if I need one more reason to despise these rotten sons of sons of bitchs, we now have proof that all Georgians are fascist nazi scumbags.

Friday, May 18, 2007


Today marks the beginning of the most over-hyped series of the season. The Mets play their division rivals... wait... their league rivals... wait their intra-city rivals who are in absolutely no direct competition with the Mets in any meaningful way whatsoever. Having said that it would be nice to see three Mets wins, and three Yankee losses (not because I dislike the Yankees for any reason other than that I believe they are bad for baseball- see their $190MM payroll, and yes I know that the Mets have the 3rd highest payroll in the game, AND for the record I'm a proponent of a hard cap and a floor on salaries in MLB. I'd like to see something in the vicinity of $150MM as a cap and $30MM as floor, but I digress).

The thing I'm most looking forward to this weekend: screaming to Jeter, "THIRD BEST SS IN NY!!" Now THAT will be sweet justice on a man who arrives late to backup a simple double-cut to home on a double to RF.

In terms of preview we've got Pettitte-Perez, Rasner-Glavine, Clippard-Maine. The Yankees come in a little cold, having lost 6 out of their last 10. Hopefully the Metropolitans can start off the series with a win tonight. Ollie's been pitching well all year (save his 4/11 start against Phi),
and there's no reason for Peterson's Grand Reclamation Train to run off course tonight.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Willie Causes Heart Attack, METS WIN!

So after last night's rain-delayed game lasted until the wee hours of the morning Willie decided to give many of his regulars the day off (a move I wholeheartedly applaud, particularly with the Yankees coming up this weekend). Jason Vargas was fine for a AAA pitcher (7 IP, 5 ER, on 2 HR), Ambiorix Burgos was excellent (2 IP, 0 R) and Eric Cooper's 9th inning strike zone was about the size of Lindsay Lohan's right nipple.

I'm a huge nitpicker, I realize, as everything Willie did worked out today and the Mets won in extremely exciting fashion. But down 5-2 with the bases loaded in the Bottom of the 9th you let Ruben Gotay hit?! With Reyes and Wright both on the bench?! REALLY?!?! Then you pinch hit for Green anyway against Scott Eyre?! REALLY?! AND LEAVE REYES ON THE BENCH ALL GAME?!?! As a side note Gotay and Newhan's ability to play SS and 2B, shouldn't be completely overlooked here. It's a nice little bonus that allows the manager more freedom to make substitutions and play with lineups, etc. Also- after the game on the SNY postgame chat with Willie, the manager noted that he "had a feeling" about Gotay getting a hit there. I'm just hoping he doesn't have a feeling about benching Reyes or lobbying to sign Jose Canseco, or pitching LoDuca tomorrow.

Or, maybe I'm just bitter that I gave away tickets because I had a bar review class...

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


Tonight the Mets wasted an opportunity to annihilate the sorry Cubbies and got shellacked tonight 10-1. Maine is obviously luring the league into a false sense of feeling he's beatable. But tonight's drudging sparked some thoughts about 2 other wastes the Mets have been a part of.

1. Bobby Bonilla - in 1991 Bobby Bo became the highest paid player in baseball. Once joining the Mets, he quickly began to eat it. You think we've heard the last of him but guess again. Bonilla is scheduled to make $1.9M from the Mets in 2011. Oh, my bad, he's also scheduled to make $1.9M from the Mets for the next 25 YEARS AFTER THAT. That's right, from 2011 - 2035 Bobby Bonilla will be on the Mets payroll. Let's look forward to Keith Hernandez expressing his jealousy on the nightly broadcast during most games he calls during those years.

2. Mo Vaughn - Vaughn is special in that in '95 he won the AL MVP when Albert Joey Belle obviously should have won (.300/.388/.575/39/126 vs. Belle's .317/.401/.690/50/126). This opened Vaughn up to a new universe of being overpaid. Vaughn spent his newly found riches on an Overpay-Me-Bandwagon, which the Mets jumped on in 2002. From '02-04 Wilpon paid Vaughn $45.5M to hit a total of 29HR. Certainly not a good investment, but I'd like to focus on 2004, when it's well known that Vaughn was paid $17M and change to do ZERO. Not one game, not one at bat, not one plate appearance. For today, I will claim that this $17M is quite possibly the largest sum of money ever paid to anyone anywhere to do ZERO.

Know a better example of anyone in any field getting paid more money to do literally absolutely nothing? Let me know at

Larry Jones wears diapers

It's a real dog fight in the NL East so I think it's time we all refocus our power and concentrate on the real task at hand. Hating the G.D.M.F. Braves. I hate them with all 190 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal that is my body. And as if I needed any more reasons (i don't, duh) to want to stab all Braves in the throat with Takezo Kensei's sword, here comes Larry Jones with another cry baby hissy fit.

Thats great, pussy, too bad the Mets have and have had the hardest interleague schedule every year. Try playing the Yanquis 6 times every year, butthole. And as Bobbie Neyer pointed out, why don't you bitch about it through the proper channels, ie the players union, which must approve every league schedule before the season starts? Oh yeah, because you're a stupid idiot with a moron for a face, that's why.
The Braves are also making headlines because they have no black people on their team, er, make that no African Americans, and Jessie Jackson wants to change that.
Without getting into the merit of The Reverend Jackson's arguement, I'd just like to point out that he is right about one thing: the Braves have eschewed mining the urban demographic and have instead been focusing all their resources on recruiting this segment of the population.

Braves: FOD

Thursday, May 10, 2007


So by now everyone knows the Mets all shaved their heads. I had a shaved head once in high school. It made washing my hair easy but none of my hats fit! Here some of my favorite baldies thru out time and space.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Sorry for the delay

Ok, so before I post about the greatest sports team not to wear the green and white and dominate all things of the grid-iron let me digress and state the following:


On to more important things, 20-12 is impressive and I think it is fair to say that we are in it. I still think that losing the two series to the Beavers is not ideal but we are beating up on the others. We got to go 4-2 or 5-1 against the Bronx pedophiles to be considered elite this year. The true test will come when the summer comes and their play is exciting enough to stop me spreading peanut butter on my nuts and having a goat lick it all up (pure ecstasy!!).

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

I hope you crash into a pier you stupid hippie

Blow Out The Candle-stick Park

Happy 26th Birthday to the 2007 NL Cy Young Award Winner - John Maine.

For his 26th birthday tonight, Maine will inevitably do 27 ceremonial shots, and tomorrow come out and pitch 27 ceremonial strikeouts on 82 pitches (the 1 ball was a bad ump call).

Big Papi Very Confused!

Apparently David Ortiz, who I happen to like and is, by most accounts, a pretty stellar dude, is quite confused:
First "Ortiz isn't 100 percent certain he hasn't taken steroids himself." WOW. Uhhh- I'm not sure whether I've ever been sodomized in a Mexican prison... but I mean taking steroids is a little different, right? RIGHT?

Second, "Count David Ortiz among those who isn't convinced Barry Bonds used illegal performance-enhancing drugs." UGH- is this a joke...? I'll just directly quote from the San Francisco Chronicle here (with a tip o'the cap to FJM):
Barry Bonds told a federal grand jury that he used a clear substance and a cream supplied by the Burlingame laboratory now enmeshed in a sports doping scandal, but he said he never thought they were steroids, The Chronicle has learned.

Federal prosecutors charge that the Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative, known as BALCO, distributed undetectable steroids to elite athletes in the form of a clear substance that was taken orally and a cream that was rubbed onto the body.

Bonds testified that he had received and used clear and cream substances from his personal strength trainer, Greg Anderson, during the 2003 baseball season but was told they were the nutritional supplement flaxseed oil and a rubbing balm for arthritis, according to a transcript of his testimony reviewed by The Chronicle.

Federal prosecutors confronted Bonds during his testimony on Dec. 4, 2003, with documents indicating he had used steroids and human growth hormone during a three-year assault on baseball's home run record, but the Giants star denied the allegations.

During the three-hour proceeding, two prosecutors presented Bonds with documents that allegedly detailed his use of a long list of drugs: human growth hormone, Depo-Testosterone, undetectable steroids known as "the cream" and "the clear," insulin and Clomid, a drug for female infertility sometimes used to enhance the effect of testosterone.

The documents, many with Bonds' name on them, are dated from 2001 through 2003. They include a laboratory test result that could reflect steroid use and what appeared to be schedules of drug use with billing information, prosecutors told the grand jury.

In a September 2003 raid on Anderson's Burlingame home, federal investigators seized documents they said showed Bonds was using banned drugs, according to court records. Anderson was indicted in February on charges of money laundering and conspiracy to distribute steroids in the BALCO case.

Your turn to respond, PAPI! The gauntlet has been thrown down:

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BOOYAKASHA, PAPI! I'll be here waiting for your evidence. You can e-mail me at

Monday, May 7, 2007


Mets are tied with the Bravos, 6-4 in their last 10, 2 games back of their expected win-loss. I hate to be so negative here, but other than this man:
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The offense looks lackadaisical, lost, or injured. Oh well, at least we have JOHN F***ING MAINE. Also- a quick FU to Clemens.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Mayonnaise Cannons

I don't have much to say about the Mets right now, except maybe fuck Randy Johnson and the D-Backs, so I thot I'd post the logo of the recreaction softball team I played on the past two years which may or may not play again this season.

Pretty gross, I know. It was a co-ed league so we could only convince girls to play on our team for at most, maybe half the season, tho I'm sure that had as much to do with us guys on the team being huge losers than just the logo in and of itself.

We lost just about every game we played, if not all of them but no one topped our logo. FUCKING NOBODY.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Get on the Jinx Train!

BECAUSE OLIVER PEREZ RULES... when he throws strikes. Xavier Nady for Roberto Hernandez and Ollie Perez? That's not even CLOSE to making up for Kazmir, but Omar is an anagram for Roma; which we all know wasn't built in a day.

Just Asking

Anyone think 15 days in jail is a bit much for shining a flashlight? I understand what an incredible safety issue this whole thing is, and I firmly believe, sadly, that we're going to have some crazed fan go Bobby DeNiro on an athlete at some point; but 15 days in jail over a flashlight? Seemed a bit excessive to me. Another question is how he smuggled the flashlight in in the first place? If Frank Martinez was able to get the flashlight into the stadium, don't you think he could've gotten other, real weapons in? Scary stuff. On second thought maybe 15 days was appropriate.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Wright Needs To Be Wrong

Mets win% when David Wright doesn't homer: .625
Mets win% when David Wright homers: .000

Big Fun 4/28-4/30

Whats more fun then watching the Mets play at RFK? How bout getting sauced and watching the Mets play at Major League Baseball's biggest dump!

The fun started at a trendy downtown happy hour where they serve $1.50 drafts in plastic cups. You can order them in multiples of eight called, 'buffets'. I was a little late arriving so I wasted no time digging in. One on my co-drinkers summed up my attack with the statement "I thought I was on a decent pace with the buffet until Dynamo showed up." God damn right.

Each beer quaffed at the bar was 5 bucks we didn't have to spend at RFK, so we missed the first inning or so getting our money's worth. We then bought the cheapest seats possible, but in this shit box (excuse me, shit donut) it's still a rip off.

Nose. Bleed.
So you'll have to indulge me now as I post a bunch of gratuitous pics I took of my friends, like these two pals here.

Some of these pics are also to prove that I hang out with live women.

You can't really tell in these pictures but we never stop drinking beer. Ever.

Thats sometime commenter RockYourFace on the right. He looks displeased but on the inside he is happy because he is watching Oliver Perez get out dueled by Matt Chico's bail bonds and he roots against the Mets whenever possible. He is a big jerk that way.

So the game ends and most people don't care but I am disgusted. I couldn't really tell you much about the game tho, because I could friggin see anything. Probably better that way. Anyway on to game two of the series.

See the difference? I snagged some corporate seats because I am a big shot titan of industry here in the District. Even got hooked up with the free buffet (real food this time) in the 'diamond club' section. The food was gross but I stuffed my face because it was free. The beers were not, however, so I took advantage of the fully stocked bar and pounded 2 jack and cokes before game time.

I'd say the stadium was 1/3 Mets fans. It looked like more at first but that is I think because most of the Mets fan were sporting their colors, while the Nats fans hadn't accumulated nearly as much team bling. I tried to capture the fan dynamic after something good happened for the Mets but all I had was my shitty, shitty camera phone so your best guess is as good as mine.

This is where the 1st best ump -what's his name again Rory?- tried to fuck us. Again, shitty, shitty camera phone, but that's Big Will doing his best tough guy impersonation.

Here are the Nationals' Brewers' Sasuage Race rip off. The big bit is Teddy Roosevelt acts like a big idiot every time and never EVER wins. Its actually pretty funny, especially if you're drunk.

So it's quite the pitchers duel and the Geezer comes up with some mega clutch hitting. We don't stay past the 10th inning because I am again with people who couldn't care less. I didn't mind leaving all that much because my feeling is if we blow it extra innings then I'd prefer not be around to see it, but if we do win, well then at least there is a silver lining.

And we did win, so I could ride the subway (effeminately called the Metro) home knowing we did our job. Plus there was a Club Beer Party waiting in my basement This is what Sunday morning looked like.

Yes. Beers.

Theres quite a few more pics from the actual night but that's for a different blog (GO BEERS DIE LIVER?) Suffice to say I was not making it to the game Sunday at 1:05.

Thanks C-Belts, job well done. We win the rubber match and salvage adequacy from a potentially wretched series.

And yes, my TV rules and so do I.

i just blogged in my pants

Though it features nothing but articles about the scum sucking sons of bitches known as the Atlanta Braves, I'd like to direct your attention to the amusing (tho simultaneously revolting) blog badbravesfan for once again linking to us (unique users up 25% this week! adsense dollars hear we come!) and to also touch on the fracas regarding this.

First, in my defense and in the name of my cyber cred that I have been trying to build up over at Metsblog, my original comment was intended to point out that Metsblog does whatever it wants at the expense of lesser blogs, especially blogs about the butt hole braves. Second, Cerrone is putting his real name out there (*ahem*) and makes a living off his blog, and altho I don't know him, I'm sure any plagiarizing is accidental, as he would have far more to lose by ripping off someone else' idea than by any respect he would get from coming up with the idea to quote some stupid ass Chuck Klosterman passage about the difference between nemesi and arch-enemies.

I'm sure some metsblog reader saw the badbravesfan post on Deadspin and then passed it on to Cerrone with his thots, without referencing anything but the Klosterman quote, which then promoted Cerrone to make his post and commentary.

Anyway, I should probably stop pretending anyone is listening to whats going on in our corner of the blogosphere, but I will leave you with this thot: All fucking braves must fucking die.