Friday, June 11, 2010
USA – The Yanks
Pretty much the worst team name ever. Might as well be the Jerks or the Tugjobs. There seems to be some sort of movement to have the called the Stars and Stripes or the Red White and Blue, but because those are long, unwieldy and dumb, no one is going to use those suggestions. Really, its all our fault for not giving a shit about soccer for so long and letting the foreign press come up with the name and just using what most foreigners call Americans anyway. I suppose its derogatory but whatever, from the looks of our stupid “clip-art” team badge we deserve something equally lame.
Suggested alternative: THE AMERICANS. Lot of other countries, especially in South American, have aversions to referring to people from the United States as Americans, like its some sort of prize to be named after some sweaty, long dead Italian cartographer. Well tough shit Latin America. You should have thrown off the shackles of colonial oppression sooner and adopted the name first. We should be using the Americans title if for no other reason than to piss off all the whiners. Furthermore, the official name should be The Americans: FUCK YEAH, and all sports announcers should be forced to say the full name at all times. The only other alternatives I would countenance would be something like the Dudes, or Bros, or Bro Dudes, which would make our players sound totally fuckin sweet brah. Or maybe the Touchdowns just emphasize the point that our “football” rules are way better anyway and were just playing soccer to prove we’re better then everyone at everything, which we will be as soon as we feel like proving it.
South Africa – Bafana Bafana
Also terrible. As it has now been pointed out in countless articles, it’s a Zulu word that means The Boys, and is for some reason repeated twice (which is either some dumb custom of Zulu grammar or just some dumb decision by the SAFA). Banana Banana is supposed to be one of the weaker teams at the World Cup, so it’s only fitting they have the best chance of being the first host nation not to advance past the group stage. Don’t expect any sympathy with a shitty name like that.
Suggested alternative: the Springboks. It’s a perfectly fine named used for the national rubgy team, so whats the big fuckin problem? Oh yeah, it’s still a symbol for apartheid regime and the villains from Lethal Weapon 2. Well just pick some other weird African animal then. I’m partial to the Kudu myself. And just use English, nobody speaks fuckin Zulu (sorry fuckin Zulus people, its true).
Mexico – El Tri
This name also sucks ass, and the start of a long list of sucky names referring to the colors of the uniform and/or the national flag. Too bad El Tri makes me think of a third nipple (the Tri Nies) or the dingus leg of a human tripod.
Suggested alternative: Los Gigantos de CONCACAF. A tad bombastic maybe but I found it on Wikipedia and sounds good to me. Gigantos is an excellent Spanish word. I heard they also go by the Aztecs, which is also much better. Shit, the fence jumping strawberry pickers would be better than El fucking Tri.
Uruguay – La Celeste
A very gay name, which makes sense since the country is called You Are Gay, after all. La Celeste sounds like theyre named after custom Martini in a queer bar.
Suggested Alternative: Los Charrusas. Wikipedia tells me they also use that, which was what their indigenous Amerindian inhabitants were (and I guess still are) called. Its obviously better. So would changing La Celeste to the Celestials, though only marginally.
France – Les Bleus
The dyslexic French are named after the color of their jersey, which is Blue, not Bleu. LAME. For as boring as their name is, I will admit I am partial to their snazzy looking rooster crest. Futurey!
Suggested alternative: Roosters? I don’t know, Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys? They probably wouldn’t go for that, or the Frogs. But who cares what the French think? Not me!
Argentina – La Albiceleste
The White and Sky Blues. More crap (and plenty more on the way, just you wait). While it doesn’t take away from Argentinean dope vertically stripped baby blue unis, this name still blows.
Suggested alternative: Los Gauchos. Why not? It’s a cool, local, instantly identifiable, means Cowboy, what’s not to love? I would also suggest the Argies but that’s a little too close to Philadelphia Phillie territory (one of the worst nicknames in the history of frggin universe).
Nigeria – Super Eagles
Finally, a good name. While I normally associate the majestic birds of prey with the US of A, I recognize that we are they only country with affinity toward these awe-inspiring airbone killing machines. Adding Super makes just about any team name better, and this is no exception. The Fuckin Super Eagles. Well done Nigeria. Too bad the rest of your country is a fucking mess.
Suggested Alternatives: None. Keep the name. But ditch the all green unis. Looks like you’re playing on some kids rec league and the coach bought the cheapest shit he could find at the Sports Authority. If you’re called the Super Eagles then why not put a giant fucking super eagle on your fuckin jersey? This isn’t rocket science here, people.
South Korea – Taegeuk Jeonsa
Jeonsa means warrior in Korean. What Taegeuk means I haven’t the foggiest, although it sounds a little too close to ‘The Gook’ if you ask me. This would be an OK name if it were in friggin English. And why they aren’t called the Tigers, which is very clearly on their national crest, is beyond me.
Suggested alternative: Tigers. Duh. I’ve also heard them called the Red Devils, which is better but if it only stems from them wearing red jerseys then it is dumb. If they just went by Warriors, that’d be fine too.
Greece – The Pirate Ship
This name is so fucking stupid that I refuse to believe it’s real. Who the fuck thought that 11 dudes from Greece playing soccer together should be called the motherfucking Pirate Ship? And not just Pirates, which are people, but the actual fucking ship itself? Holy fuck that is retarded, even for fucking Greece, which judging from the newspapers, is run by a collection of assholes. The cradle of Western Civilization and the best you can come up with is the god damn piece of shit fucking Pirate Ship? You’re all fired. All of you.
Suggested alternative: Olympians. Or the Parthenon, if you want to name them after a fuckign thing and not a kind of person. I would also accept the Argonauts, the Thunderbolts or, my personal favorite, the Gyro Heroes.
England – The Three Lions
Why just three lions? I mean I get why, because of their crest which is based off the royal family’s emblem or whatever they’re called, but it still seems so random. There’s eleven guys on the field last time I looked. But I guess when you convert the English system to metric (or vice versa) 3=11. Either way it’s a really odd name. Original, but fucking weird, man.
Suggested alternative: Rosbifs. This means Roast Beefs in French and I absolutely love this name. I read somewhere it’s what French people call English people, because they eat so much roast beef, I guess, I don’t fuckin know. But regardless, it cracks me up, every time I hear it. And here comes the starting line up for the English Rosbifs! Yea! Go Rosbifs! Do it, England, fucking do it!
Algeria – Les Fennecs
A Fennec is a desert fox. Ok, sounds good to me. Let’s move on, since I know like nothing else about Algeria frankly couldn’t give a fuck, either.
Suggested alternative: The fuckin Desert Foxes! Weren’t you listening? I said let’s move on!
Slovenia - The Dragons
Actually, according to Wikipedia, Slovenia doesn’t have a nickname, which makes sense because most people in the world couldn’t find this fuckin place on a globe if you offered them a million dollars to guess correctly. I heard them called the dragons on, like an ESPN blog or something so I’m just going to go with that, which sounds fine, I guess. I mean who can name one fact about Slovenia, just one single fact? Oh, right, they are a former Yugoslavian republican, great job, smart guy, real fucking clever one, you are. Fucking asshole.
Suggested Alternative: The Alpine Slavs. I came up with that name by looking up where this country was on a map. It’s by the Alps. So who the fucking smart guy now, huh asshole?
Germany – Die Mannschaft
Die Mannshcaft means The Team in German, and is easily one off the shittiest names in the World Cup (which is saying a lot). Anyway, besides just being stupefyingly dull, the German nickname also sounds like Man Shaft. Good job, jackasses.
Suggested alternative: The Sprockets. There’s a lot of names that come to mind when I think of Germany that are better than the Man Shafts, like the Huns, the Vandals, the Goths, the Nazis, pretty much anything, really. But only Sprockets would give them team an excuse to dance like Mike Myers’ SNL sketch of the same name after scoring a goal. NOW IST ZEE PART OF ZEE VORLD CUP VERE VEE DANCE!
Australia – Socceroos
Easily the best name at the World Cup. Perhaps the best name in the history of sports names. THAT’S HOW FUCKING GREAT THE NAME SOCCEROOS IS. ITS FUCKING PERFECT. Some people may think that Socceroos is corny, or juvenile. Well those people have shit for brains and were probably molested as children. It’s the best name ever and if you think differently well SHUT UP cause you’re wrong.
Suggested alternative: NONE – you don’t fuck with perfection.
Serbia – White Eagles
Well it’s no Super Eagles but I think it manages just fine as it is. We can’t ALL be super eagles anyway. Plus I like the additional adjectives to the nicknames. Some say it makes the name too cluttered and not succinct enough, but fuck those people in the ear, I say.
Suggested alternative: I was going to make a crude joke about the using the Scorpions, which was also the name of the military death squad that orchestrated the massacre at Srebrenica in Bosnia, but I’m far too classy to stoop to that level.
Ghana – Black Stars
Yes, I like this very much. Unique, authoritative, down right intimidating. Fuck with the Black Stars and you are in for a world of hurt. BET wished this is what people called their network. Ok, that was a miserable attempt at a joke. I’m pretty much just filling space anyway.
Suggested alternative: Black Asses. I dunno, I’m just stealing from the Chappelle bit. Black Stars is cool enough, no alternative necessary.
Netherlands – Flying Dutchmen
I had to look this up but the origin of the Flying Dutchman is a mythical doomed ship. Great, another fucking team named after a boat. At least this is plural. Anyway, love the orange unis (but not when theyr’e matched with black trim, like they are this year, and look like a fucking Halloween costume), but the name is pretty blah.
Suggestive alternative: Clockwork Orange. They’ve used it before (I read on wiki anyway) and sounds better because that movie was bad ass. I would also call them the pot heads, because everyone knows that what people from Holland are. All of them. Degenerate dope fiends. It’s true.
Denmark – Danish Dynamite
Another piece of crap. Sounds like something a middle school kid came up with. The other bullshit I’ve heard is Olsen’s Eleven, a play on their coach’s name and that over rated movie about famous people robbing casinos. Oooh wow that is so fucking clever. I’m sooooo impressed by you humorous Danes and your witty word play. Jagovs.
Suggested alternative: Grape Danes. This would also entail changing their uniform color to purple, and it’s one of the best ideas I’ve ever had and those fuckin Danish bastard better damn well do what I say.
Japan – Samurai Blue
Why samurai blue? Why not just the Samurais? Samurais are fucking bad ass. Everybody knows them and thinks they are awesome. And they come from Japan. So why change the legendary murderous soldiers into a fucking color? God damn Japanese people are fucking weird. Go watch some more tentacle porn and leave the team names to those of us who know what we are doing.
Suggested alternative: the Nintendos. Whats the best thing to ever come out of Japan in the history of the universe? Um, Nimtendo, duh. Certainly not your rolling death trap masquerading as cars, you devious slant eyed bastards. I’m on to your tricks.
Cameroon – Indomitable Lions
Have you noticed that African teams are much better than any other continent at picking team names (well except for Australia)? They’re always cool animal names, while Europe and South America just pick colors. Here is another fine example. ‘indomitable’ is a mouthful and kind of reminds me of someone asking, ‘hey, is there any chance those animals are not lions?’ and someone replying, ‘they are indubitably lions,’ but that is a minor gripe. NICKNAME APPROVED.
Suggested alternative: Some Fuckin Lions. None needed, we’re good here.
Italy – Azzurri
Blue, again, in Italian. Awesome. So once upon a time the Italian national team was playing and all the sportswriters could think to call them was, ‘oh yeah those blue guys’. Fucking embarrassing. Somewhere Enrico Polazzo is singing an opera in shame.
Suggested alternative: Guidos. So many other good slurs to choice from as well. Eyeties have the best slurs. Dagos, Wops, FLIDS, sweaty IROC-Z driving goombas. Eeehhhhhh, gabba goul? Ova hare!!!!
Paraguay – La Albirroja
The White and Reds. Groaaaaaan. The red and white vertically striped unis are all right but for fucks sake, show a little god damn creativity for once why don’t you? I mean I can’t think of one thing interesting about Paraguay (um, it’s the landlocked South American country that’s NOT Bolivia?), but you people fucking live there, you should be able to come up with something? No? Yeah, well, I guess not, huh?
Suggested alternative: Pair of Gays. Because that’s what the country name sounds like. GET IT? Yeah well I don’t know either, who the fuck has ever heard anything about Paraguay? Get a personality first and then we’ll talk.
New Zealand – All Whites
These New Zealanders sure get stuck on an idea don’t they? The All Blacks, although yet another jersey color referencing nickname, is still different enough, in that they add ‘All’ to it. So I guess what’s good for rugby is good for soccer. Fine, whatever, but nothing compares to the awesomeness that is the New Zealand basketball team name, the Tall Blacks. Hah, see I told you it was awesome. Also everyone from NZ is called a Kiwi, which is incredibly homosexual but hey, whatever floats your boat New Zealand.
Suggested alternative: The Hobbits. The Lord of the Ring movies and Flight of the Concords are the only thing from New Zealand that anyone’s ever heard of so might as well run with it. Now if they could somehow work Murray and the toothbrush fence into the name that would just be icing on the cake.
Slovakia – Fighting Jondas
I tried for an awfully long time (ok 3 minutes) to figure out what the fuck a Jonda was, but to no avail. I think it’s some sort of weird Slovakian conspiracy to never reveal the secret of the Jonda. In any event, I’m pretty sure it’s not Slovakian for a color, so that’s enough from me, you receive a passing grade also, Slovakia. NOW TELL ME YOUR SECRETS.
Suggested alternative: who fucking cares, nobody knows anything about Slovakia except that it used to be the ass end of Czechoslovakia. Well congrats, now you’re your own fucking country, and no one gives a god damn.
Brazil – Canarinho
Brazilian for little canaries. Oh, sorry, Portuguese. Whatever, no one cares. So the most successful team in World Cup history has a sissy name, but that’s fine, when your bad asses that beat asses badly like Brazil you can get away with it. Plus they make up for it by each player individually having awesome names. Like Fred. And Danny. So original!
Suggested alternative: Bossa Nova. I know that’s a kind of music and not soccer but so what, its still cool. Its totally boss, as some would say. Well, that’s what I say anyway.
North Korea – Choillima
Korean for a winged horse. Or as they’re known in my Dungeons and Dragons group, A FUCKING PEGASUS. I’m all right with this, even in wack ass Asian language stylings. Really, I just hope Kim Jong Il doesn’t execute the entire team after they get thrashed in the tourney. He’s a little unstable, I hear.
Suggested alternative: The Psychopaths. I’m pretty sure I won’t be the only one watching the North Koreans and expecting them to just whip out a hand gun and just start capping bitches in the middle of the field like in the beginning The Last Boy Scout. That movie was fucking sweet. But yeah, I’m hoping for some weird ass shit from this Korean squad.
Ivory Coast – The Elephants
Once again, an African team does not disappoint. I’m down with the Ivory Coast Elephants. I’m not all right, however, with this bullshit insistence on the French spelling and pronunciation. Guess what countries (and cities) of the world: you don’t get to decide how your name gets translated. Tough shit, deal with it, Ivorians. Every time some a Spanish speaker calls America ‘Los Estado Unidos’ I don’t get all huffy puffy and throw a tantrum. Likewise, I will never not translate Coat Devwar into English when I’m talking about your country. Conversely, props for the dope color scheme. Easily tops in the tournament. So I guess I’ll cut you some slack..
Suggested alternative: Witch Doctors. I’m actually fine with the Elephants, I just think it’s funny that the Ivory Coast team actually employs a fucking witch doctor. For real! What a bunch of savages!
Portugal – Selecao das Quinas
I think I read that this means the selection of the shields. Which sounds like a cool secret society to be in but is an altogether crap sports nickname. I like their color scheme, though, despite it making them look like god damn Christmas ornaments.
Suggested alternatives: Explorers. Corny, probably, but that’s what I think of when I hear of Portugal. You know, Magellan and all that shit. Incidentally, my Korean friend’s fantasy baseball team is called the Magellan Eaters. It’s funny because it implies that Koreans are bloodthirsty cannibals, and they are!
Spain – La Furia Rojo
Another dreaded color name, but I’m going to give them a pass because of the inclusion of THE FURY, which is a powerful and welcome addition to the usually flaccid and uninspiring euro names. I’d like to see an action movie where the bad ass protagonist tells the arch-villain to TASTE MY RED FURY, BITCH. You know that could probably pass for dialogue in a really raunchy porno, too. I should probably stop now.
Suggested alternative: Los Toros. I’d just assumed Spain would be all over the Toro or Torrero theme, mainly because their country is fucking ape shit for god damn bulls, but who am I to say if they’re more comfortable with the motherfucking furiousness.
Switzerland – Schweizer Nati
Everything about this team pisses me off. Their boring ass red and white color scheme. The fact that theyre literally called the Swiss National Team. Their bobo 1960’s pop art federation badge. Even their square flag pisses me off. Fuck you Switzerland. Lose every game and go back to your fucking mountains and sit on a fat neutral dick. Assholes.
Suggested alternative: Those Boring Helvetian Pricks.
Honderas – Los Catrachos
Wikipedia has some long ass explanation for what Los Catrachos means and its etymological roots, but I got bored and stopped reading (I think I’ve been on Wikipedia enough as it is). I did learn enough to know it doesn’t involve the jersey color nor the translation of the word ‘team’ so it’s all right by me.
Suggested alternatives: I don’t know anything about Honduras except that it’s in Central America and their inhabitants are called Onderanyos. So let’s just stick with Los Catrachos.
Chilie – La Roja
You fucking Chileans couldn’t let me end on a positive note, could you? You know what, Chile? You and that piece of shit town of Cincinnati can go get a room together and fuck each other’s miserable asses until they’re both as red as your stupid fucking team names. Although I will throw them a bone for also being known as El Equipo de Todos, or EVERYBODY’S TEAM! HOORAY FOR EVERYBODY!
Suggested alternative: Willies. Yup, I went there. The Chile Willies. Just be thankful I didn’t do a Con Queso joke. Either of which, by the way, is better than La Fucking Roja.OK – I’m not the biggest soccer fan but I think this World Cup is going to be fucking sweet. Plus I love it when professional athletes walk in a line holding hands with little kids, and luckily for some reason god only knows, the World Cup has tons of that shit!