Tuesday, December 16, 2008

GMDB JUMPS UP YOUR BUTT: My famous balls of fame ballot

Even though Omar's got the hot stove burning like a crack pipe at the moment I'm still not going to pontificate on current events, (do you plotz for Putz? HAR HAR HAR). What I will do is steal a page from the Geezer Newspaper Reporters' Fieldbook and rant about the 2009 Hall of Fame Ballot. I will go down the list and award my yea or nay accordingly. I'll even include comments on each candidate as a bonus. Score! And I will do so this without doing any research or looking up any statistics whatsoever because: 1) stats are for nerds, not jocktackular studs like me 2) I'm fucking lazy, duh.

Ready? Touchdown!

Harold Baines: I will say no, because his name reminds me of Harold Reynolds and I hate Harold Reynolds. Mostly because I passed out while playing MLB2K3 or something and woke up to terrible voice over by Reynolds on some awful never ending loop. Pretty weak reason to exclude a guy from the Hall of Fame but tough bananas, Baines. My blog, my rules. Get fucked.

Jay Bell: No, but there is an awesome picture of Jay Bell checking some teammate's oil somewhere on the internet. If I can find it by the time I post I'll put it up so we can all enjoy a good laugh at the site of Jay Bell sticking his hand up another man's asshole. Oh whoops, that awesome pic was Jay Buhner, not Jay Bell. Well fuck that, not you're definitely not getting my vote motherfucker.
Bert Blyleven: Yes - please vote this Dutch piece of shit in so I don't have to read any more articles about how he deserves to be in. Besides, we should be rewarding the Dutch for giving us their fantastic ovens.

David Cone: No way asshole. That's what you get for abandoning the Mets and pitcing a no-hitter for someone else. I don't care if you if we traded you, it's still totally mibs. David Cone, I sentence you to narfle the garthog!

Andre Dawson: I am sayimg yes here, even though he probably doesn't deserve it. This vote is mostly for nostalgic purposes as my earliest baseball memories involved being pissed at the Cubs and Dawson during the 80's. I have a soft spot in my heart for the men of baseball who first taught me how to hate.

Ron Gant: I like Gant and can remember seeing him at the '92 all star game, the only ASG I've ever seen live, but I will still say no, because I'm pretty sure he fucking sucks.

Mark Grace: Fucking pussy. No.

Ricky Henderson: Cha! a-duh! If for no other reason than for going into the clubhouse to play cards during a playoff game after he was subbed out. What a fucking crazy person. He also played for minor league powerhouses the Newark Bears. Who fucking doesn't love Ricky? I can't wait for his acceptance speech to go up on Youtube. Over/under for 3rd person references to Ricky: 1000. At least.

Tommy John: I remember reading something like Tommy John shouldn't go into the HoF, but his doctor should, since the guy who came up with the revolutionary elbow surgery that bears John's name contributed more to the sport then any single player. Ok, fine with me, what the fuck do I care? Put the fucking doctor in the Hall. Great. Too bad the bookies killed Doctor Farthing anyway. So he's dead.
Don Mattingly: I don't hate Mattingly nearly as much as I hate fuckin Jeter, but I'm still saying no, in hopes that his exclusion to the Hall will piss off Yankee fans. Fuck the Yankees.

Mark McGwire: Abso-fucking-lutely. Arguments to the contrary revolving around his alleged steroid use are total bullshit. Who fucking cares if he roided? Everyone did. You were a fucking sucker if you didn't roid in the 90's. They didn't fucking test for the shit! Get this man in the Hall and get of your sanctimonious cloud you fucking dipshits.

Jack Morris: No, but with the caveat of yes if would insure him getting in so we can end the fucking debate between him and Bert fucking Blyleven.

Dale Murphy: This man was a Brave and not that awesome so, no. But then again, his fake signature did adorn my little league baseball glove so based on that rock solid credential, yes, of course his belongs in the hall. Those who disagree with me, suck cock by choice.
Jesse Orosco: Whaaaa? How is Jesse Orasco on the ballot. I love the guy but sorry buddy, this is a negatory. If if Orosco is on the ballot, why the fuck isn't super-scab union breaker all star Rick Reed? A travesty if there ever was one.
Dave Parker: I really don't know anything about this asshole so no.

Dan Pleasac: Ditto.

Tim Raines: This is the guy who's cocaine vile fell out of his pocket while stealing second or something, right? Yeah, that's what I thought. Of COURSE he gets my vote. A no brainer, really.

Jim Rice: You'd think I'd vote yes with the same reasoning as I used for Morris and Berto - but guess what, you'd wrong. Dead wrong, muthafucka. I personally don't give a poop if this butthead gets in or not, but because infuriating piece of shit Red Sox fans always flood any decent argument about this guy with a bunch of god damn bullshit, I will vote emphatically NO. BOSTON ASSHOLES: FUCK OFF AND DIE.

Lee Smith: Saves are US News and World Report college rankings of reliever statistics. Everyone checks them first to see how someone rates, but when you get down to it, they don't mean fuck all. No.

Alan Trammell: Uh.... Yes? There is probably a nuanced analytical argument' either for or against that guy but because I have important things to do (masterbate) I don't feel like looking it up so I will say yes because... uh... I dunno, go away, leave me alone!

Greg Vaugn: Are you fucking kidding me? I think this is one of those guys who gets put on the ballot just so he can be publicly embarrassed when the whole world sees that not a single voter thought he was worthy of the hall. Well that's mean! So not for nothing, but you got my vote. Congrats buddy.



Well, that's the whole ballot. Maybe if I had some some extra space I'd write in some sweet ass retired Mets. Like Butch Huskey. Anyway, according to my calculations, I voted for 43.8% of the eligible candidates who each have a 24% change of being elected and I have a 138% chance of getting drunk tonight.

Speaking of...

Alcoholic storytime
Last Saturday I didn't feel like going to some fucking house party that hired security and had a guest list so I took a cab home to enjoy some rot gut rum and some Tool CDs in the comfy confines of the basement of my suburban home. The party for one didn't go so well as my stomach full of Miller Lite found something disagreeable with he 20 odd ounces of Aristocrat and orange juice I tried chugging. So I threw up all over my basement bathroom for the second time in my life. Not something I'm proud of mind you. In fact, I'm pretty sure I popped some blood vessels behind my eyes I was yakking so violently.

And that is why I am a champion.
What I'm sorbing for dinner
A Tombstone pizza. Holy shit those cheesy frisbees are like mana from heaven. They remain, to this day, the only reason I have ever used an oven in my entire life. I also like to cut Tombstones with a pair of scissors. You think you have a better way to cut a Tombstone? Well fuck you.

I recently bought the first collection of Ultimate Spider-Man comics and I actually wish I wasn't enjoying it as much as I am. I mean it is really quite enjoyable. Siiiiiigh......

Celebrity Guest Star Sabremetrical Analysis: IRON MIKE TYSONI'm just a dark guy from a den of iniquity. A dark shadowy figure from the bowels of iniquity. I wish I could be Mike who gets an endorsement deal. But you can't make a lie and a truth go together. This country wasn't built on moral fiber. This country was built on rape, slavery, murder, degradation and affiliation with crime. Despite the insistence to the contrary by his agent, Scott Boras, Oliver Perez's performance in the last 5 years has been merely pedestrian and not Sandy Kofaxian, as evidenced by his 'Fielding Independant Pitching' stats. I just have this thing inside me that wants to eat and conquer. Maybe it's egotistical, but I have it in me. I don't want to be a tycoon. I just want to conquer people and their souls.

Tales from the Bad MS Paint Crypt
Obligatory player not on the Mets who'd I'd like to see walk in front of a fucking bus
Cole Hamels. I'd like to show this mulletted sonofabitch some choking. And I mean his throat, not his chicken.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves
Look at these sick pedophiles and the baby's penis they drew on Brian McCann's bat. If you're going to lust after peen, at least you go draw full grown man penis on the equipment of your fellow pederast, instead of little tiny boy penis. Disgusting.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade
Kid N' Play's Class Act.

Blade Brown and Duncan Pinderhaughes, a modern day Rosencrantz and Gildenstern if there ever was one. Er, two. Were two. Anyway, point is, this is some brillant dialouge right here:

Duncan: Did you hear me? I said that was stupid.
: Did you hear me? I said, "Thanks."
: Are you deaf?
: [misunderstood as "def"] Man, I'm the defest brotha on this block!
: YOU'RE deaf?
: [still misunderstood as "def"] That's right.
: [turns head] I think Blade Brown is the biggest asshole on the planet.
[Blade smacks Duncan upside the head]
: Hey! You're not deaf!

Hah, get it? Words sometimes have more than one meaning!

Mets related website that rocks it out like a champion
It's Mets For Me.

Check this out, dude curses, puts up silly pictures, makes a lot o comments on Amazin Avenue. It's like we are simpatico. Awwww.

Non Mets website that doesn't exactly make we want to barf my guts out
The Internet is terrible.

Trust me, if you enjoy any of the sick or weird crap that I write about on this blog you will LOVE The Internet Is Terrible. I mean want to tongue kiss your monitor it is so good.

Random Team Preview: Philadelphia Phillies
It's going to be tough playing next year after I've summon a volcano to erupt from directly beneath your stadium, smothering your entire team and fan base in molten lava! Burn in hell you Phillie bastards.
(too lazy to make crappy MS Paint of volcano blowing up stupid Philadelphia, but you can imagine, right?)

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women

They maybe lame-ish now and I haven't really heard anything from lately that made me want to run through a fuckin wall, but their first album S.C.I.E.N.C.E. is wholly bad ass. They were also bad asses at Ozzfest '98. That particular Ozzfest was amazing for featuring Megadeth, Tool and Ozzy on the main stage, and Snot, Incubus and System of a Down on the second stage. Pretty fucking amazing. Also amazing was that I wasn't drinking at that point. Least I remembered it though, right?

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties
N'Sync Dirty Pop

If you're into fruity techno, you'll probably recognize this song has a lot of similarities to most tracks produced by the legendary Brian Transeau, and that is because BT indeed produced this record. And so that is why I unabashedly jam out to this one Insnyc song (sorry, I mean, *NSYNC, you queer).

And no I don't know what this manga nonsense is all about but it's no less queer than the original unembeddable video I assure you.

Robocop made up quote of the week
What is it the problem, is it because I am he, a dickless cyborg?

So that wraps up our fourth up butt jumping, and I think we can go ahead and rule out any schedule I may try to force myself to adhere to from here on out. I would seriously like to post at regular intervals but as soon as I set a time frame I instantly start procrastinating and then it becomes a chore, and fuck chores, no one tells me when do do chores anymore. No one, or so help my I'll slice you right in half by the power of greyskull.

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