Wednesday, December 3, 2008

GMDB JUMPS UP YOUR BUTT: Harris Smith is great man

Hey look at that. It only took me 3 weeks to blow my first self imposed deadline. Oh well, good think no one tell me what to do. DO YOU HEAR ME? NO ONE!!!

Anyway, Harris Smith is, of course, the fake name Plaxico Burress gave to the hospital at which he sought treatment for his self inflicted gun shot wound. The story is of course, both pathetic and hilarious. Plax goes to a club the Friday before game he is not playing in because of a hamstring injury and proceeds to drunkenly fumble the 40 cal glock he has tucked into his sweatpants (
sweatpants!) while being escorted into the VIP section of a Manhattan club, non-seriously shooting through his thigh.

The NY tabloids obviously had a field day. This is the type of story that people at the Post pray for during a recession. Burress has also been eviscerated by blogs and mainstream media alike. Mayor Mike also had a few choice words for Fake Mr. Smith, imploring the NYP to 'throw the book at this deranged gun toting psychopath," or something like that.

All this is to be expected. What I find despicable and cowardly, however, is other Giants fan's readily giving up on our man Plax, calling him a disgrace, a selfish player and a club house cancer. That is complete horseshit. Plax is a grade a moron, no doubt, but not selfish. But of course, Gaints fans pride themselves on having a clean program, whatever the fuck that means in the pros. Fuck all that. If Plax could get the charges dropped on a technicality and be medically able to play this weekend, I would be all for it. Fuck your whiney moralizing and holier than thou bullshit you dipshit "fans". Plax is a part of the Giants family, and if you're so eager to cut and run when one of your family members makes a mistake than you are disgusting piece of shit, unfit for life.

Luckily, despite suspending him for the rest of the season, the Giants organization, from the players to the owners, see things my way and have been stonewalling the police. I don't have the link because I'm lazy but there was a great quote from the NYP investigator about how pissed off he was at the way no one in the Giants was giving him any information. Good, get fucked, pig. It's not like some innocent bystander got murdered. A dude accidentally fucking shot himself. BFG, now fuck off.

Finally, Harry Carson, also a great man and bona fide G-man Hall of Famer, wants Plax to play for Big Blue next year. If you call yourself a Giant fan and want to argue with Harry Carson then maybe you aren't a Giant fan. God damn sons of bitches.


Alcoholic storytime
In the first few days of the summer after my freshman year of college I had foolishly convinced myself that I had this whole binge drinking deal figured out. Though I had only first gotten shit faced less than 2 years before that, I also had one year of college level alcohol abuse under my belt and was confident that I could spend a few months living in my parents house while keeping up the same lifestyle I had become accustom to with no serious negative consequences.

Boy was that stupid. It didn't take longer than the first weekend for me to come home from some party drunk (and by party I mean me and 4 friends drinking a 30 pack in someone's basement) and decide that 2 am would be the perfect time to raid my parents liquor cabinet and do some bonding with my older brother. My brother has never been a big drinker and so was completely sober when I handed him a bottle of Jack Daniels and said, "Hey lets get fucked up."

Being sane, my brother poured a small measure of Jack into a cup of ice and mixed in a good amount of Diet Coke. I, on the other hand, grabbed the bottle by the neck, titled it back and started putting bubbles into it. Things when dark soon after that but I do remember going to the bathroom, blinking my eyes anddiscovering thereafter that I had plastered ever inch of porcelain with vomit. Whoops. Then, while attempting to clean up my mess, I tried pulling myself up off the floor by grabbing on to a towel rack. That promptly snapped like a twig, sending my sprawling out onto my own puke and causing an awful racket.

Mr. Dynamo wasted no time sprinting down there stairs to beat the shit out of me. I didn't drink again all summer. But sober was driving was totally fun!
What I'm sorbing for dinner
Fuckin' Taquitos, bro. These things are advertised as 3 for the price of 3. Really? Awesome, I'll take six!
NERDS NERDS NERDS NERDS
So I was playing D&D with my brother, who is a dungeon master (I know, just stop there, right?) and someone had to roll 4D6, (that's four regular six sided die to you simple unlearned folk). The dude rolled a 1, 1, 2, 3, a very low and poor result. He was obviously disappointed until another player said, "Wait dude, that's awesome, you just rolled the first four numbers of the Fibonacci Sequence!" Many nerds proceeded to uproariously high five.

Celebrity Guest Star Sabremetrical Analysis: ODB
I'm into all assholes. I like it because it's tinier than a pussyhole. It's so tiny, it's tinier than a clitoris. When I get the feeling of licking a york peppermint patty, it's a sensation. Furthermore, despite being an overpaid, gimpy-legged, waste, Luis Castillo does actually provide some value in the lineup by being able to consistently put up an OBP over 360ish. Though his OBP+ is also consistently below average, this is skewed because OPS+ overvalues SLG, of which Castillo has none. In conclusion, I'm just lookin' for new girls to put babies in.

Tales from the Bad MS Paint Crypt
I didn't do this but it makes me laugh every time I see it.
Obligatory something that is awesome about the Mets
The Mets hosted the first sporting event after 9/11. Piazza hit an 8th inning bomb to help the Mets win a come from behind victory. If you weren't cheering for the Mets at that time then you are a godless communist sack of shit. Have fun getting fisted in hell you terrorist scum.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves
The Braves were playing in Mets in the first game after 9/11 and actually tried to win. What a bunch of goddless communist sacks of shit. Have fun getting fisted in hell you terrorist Atlantean scum.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade.
Airborne

A movie about the what happens when a laid back SoCal surfer has to spend a summer in Cincinnati with a bunch of fuckin hockey players. That would fuckin suck, bra!

Check out the 6:15 mark for some ooooooooold school Jack "Augie" Black. Also staring Rob Schnieder as a stapler!



Random Team Preview: Detroit Tigers
I'm not going to lie, I'm predicting a really rough season for the Tigers. I mean, Detroit is going to have some talented players on their roster, but it's going to be hard playing the entire season in a post apocolpytic wasteland.

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women
Tool - Jambi



HOLY SHIT I DON'T WANT TO EVER STOP LISTENING TO TOOL.

I could do with out this fuckin videos though, I'll be honest.

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties
B*witched - Cest La Vie.



Wow, I just now realized from watching the video that B*witched is 4 people and not 1. Also I have no idea what country this women are from. Judging from their accent I'd say either Scotland or Australia. Or maybe Wales. Or South Africa. One of those. Probably. Also Youtube says this video was made in 1998. I wonder what they look like ten years later. Whatever they do, chances are good I'd still B*ttfuck them.

Major Boobage
Fart Hammer. Best porno site ever. Look it up. A simple premise: a man has sex with a girl until he climaxes on her face. Immediately after he finishes spooging he turns around and shoves his butt in the girls face and a huge fart sound affect is played. BBBLLLTTTHHHTTHTHTTP. The result is comic gold. I think all things should be farthammer. I definitely named every fantasy team fart hammer for like 2 years and almost got the license plate FRTHMR. Seriously.

Robocop made up quote of the week

Well, maybe not the best Up Butt Jumping evar, and certainly not the most timely. But what do you expect? I'm a very important man with a lot of masterbating to do. In conclusion: PLAX > SEAN TAYLOR

1 comment:

Philly Sucks said...

I'm starting a free Plax campaign, because this whole thing is fucking ridiculous. The NY sports media doesn't have the luxury of kicking Eli around anymore because he made them all eat shit by winning the fucking SUPERBOWL. But now everyone including that shit eating cock sucking hack known as Michael Daly, and that child fisting, fart inhaling sanctimonious piece of dog fuck Mike Lupica are jumping all over this one.

"OH MY GOD PLAXICO HAD A GUN, HE'S A TERRORIST AND MURDEROUS THUG!!!!!!"

SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU WHINY LIBERAL BITCHES!!!

Plaxico is a high profile celebrity in this city. If there's anyone who should have a gun, it's him. But no, our ridiculously over the top gun control makes it impossible for him to carry one here legally. Those same laws decree he should go to jail for 3 1/2 years minimum. That's insane.

"Thanks for winning the Superbowl, now go the fuck to jail!" Says Bloomberg.

Fuck that, I say. Not only do I want Plax to be able to carry a gun, I think just for wasting his time, the city should buy and issue Plax a Gold Plated AK-47 to carry everywhere, and an RPG for his party van.