Monday, December 3, 2007

More non-baseball crap: Relationship Resume

Without going into too much detail, I just want to say that I am a huge fan of the website, Chickspeak. Like most of males, I am clueless about women and awed by their many splendors. By religiously reading Chickspeak, I hope to *ahem* keep abreast with young women who seek inspiration for 'Big Dreams, Strong Values and Success in the world', so that I may connect on a deeper, more personal level with these women, and then feel their splendors.

In any event, I'm still bummed about the exodus of Blastings Thrilledge and would like to digress a bit from baseball. Our tangent springs from this marvelous piece of advice. Below is our own Relationship Resume.

Kent D. Namo

Star Characteristics: Powerful, Potent and Pungent

University: School is for nerds

Degree: Black Belt

Applicable Experience: Super-AIDs. Also my elbow once accidentally brushed up against a boob.

Objective: To be comfortable with myself and to learn from past relationships about what I want to achieve in future relationships. I hope to meet a woman that fills my needs, and I will then get to fill her.


High School: Dated Whatsherface

I liked:
  • sweet make out sessions
  • playing tonsil hockey
  • exploring her mouth with my mouth
  • driving around in my Ford Mustang and making out
I disliked:
  • when she dumped me for that other asshole
  • her stupid face
  • what a bitch

Freshman year: totally plowed Whatshername

I liked:
  • I swear to god I did
  • you dont believe me? dude, everyone bone whatshername
  • no it was that time after finals winter term, no one else was around
  • whatever, I fucking did. fuck you.
I disliked:
  • I know she did like, a thousand other guys, thats what I just said
  • Do you think I care for one moment?
  • You're just mad you never got a chance
  • I was not a virgin!
  • Eat shit
Junior Year: Dated... wait... wait... oh yeah, her!

I liked:
  • Her living nearby
  • Her coming over late at night
  • Me never calling her any other time
  • Only interacting while drunk

I disliked:
  • Seeing her in class
  • Seeing her at night before I had gotten drunk
  • That time she got pissed just because I gave that sketchy townie all her tip money to go score drugs
  • So I made a slight error in judgment, big deal
  • Plus, what if he had come back with a bunch of drugs, that would've been sweet man, for sure

Every year since college: My annual birthday hooker

I liked:
  • The simple, uncluttered interface of the erotic services page on craigslist
  • Cheaper than mail order brides
  • It beats crying myself to sleep alone

I disliked:
  • Angry pimps
  • The painful reminder of failure
  • Chlamydia

Well that was a great soul-plunging fun. So now I am supposed to get laid tonight, right? I hope so, I don't want to have to go through this again.


rockyourface said...

Ken - That time you ploughed whatshername was sophomore year, not freshman year. God damn it, get your drunken hookups right.

Ken Dynamo said...

what the fuck are you talking about, i was never not plowing in college. that post was a joke. i plowed every year, ALL THE TIME. in fact im hollowing how some fine ass tail right now. RIGHT FUCKING NOW. im serious.

also, ploughing? really? christ i thot i sucked at spelling.