There hasn't been a lot of good news for Mets fans these days, but there has been a lot of great news for Entourage fans, as the greatest show of our time, and the greatest show of all time, has just been green lit (show biz term, natch), to become a major hollywood blockbuster. This is tremendous news for people who like shows about dudes who like chillin in hollywood, makin movies, smokin marijuana, wondering if things are going to turn out all right and then having things totally turn out all right. Which I assume is everyone because of course, why not, fun times for us all.
What’s of perhaps of even sweeter niceness is the fact that Go Mets Die Braves, a blog ostensibly about rooting for the New York Mets and against the Atlanta Braves, has somehow nabbed an exclusive (another show biz term) peak at a first draft of the script of the Entourage movie.
Wow, exciting, I know right?
Now, this may look like just a bunch of links to old posts on this very same website but they're not. I assure you, these are links to the four parts to the brand new script that leaked online and that this blog is now exclusively linking to. So don't even think otherwise.
So check it out, the scripts are totally legit and sweet, just like Vince and the boys.
It starts with Vince considering a script for Thundercats.
Then Vince and E meet a strange but promising benefactor, Don Helmut.
But is Don Helmut reliable? Will everything work out?
Then Turtle nails Drama with a hilarious prank and everything works out in the end.
Oh hey, sorry about that spoiler alert.
Man, I still can't believe the script to the major motion picture blockbuster Entourage got leaked on this ostensible Mets blog. Amazing world we live in, bros.
Showing posts with label entourage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label entourage. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
C'mon Rays, you stupid Rays!
Thanks to the shitty weather in Philadelphia (I can't think of a good derogatory pun for Philadelphia, by the way. Just another thing that infuriates me about that city), the stupid jagov Phillies are about as close as you can be to winning a world series without actually being in the middle of a game. We have the stupid jagov Rays to thank for this. Thanks a lot Rays, you assholes. Hey, they're just like the 69 Mets, except they are going to fucking blow it like chumps instead of being champions like the Mets!
All this makes me think of how absurd it is that basebal teams pop champagne and wildly celebrate after winning each series. How fucking retarded is that? And because they celebrated advacing to the finals only to now be on the brink of choking like jackasses, I am forced to take picture of the Rays celebrating and MS Paint in a bunch of penis to make them all look gay.
Sorry Rays, you brought this on yourselves. Link not safe for work, dummies.
In a mostly unrelated note, did anyone watch last Sunday's Entourage? I still watch it, even though it's boring, predictable and totally retarded, but this week's episode shockingly takes the cake (the cake made of shit). None of the characters in Entourage ever deal with conflicts or suffer consequences yet never before have the lazy, inept writers ever been so blatant as to actually have the group acknowledge that, after a whole season of dramatic post twists and turns, absolutley nothing has changed by the end. "Well Ari's back to being an agent, Vince is a rich movie star and everyone in the audiance just completely wasted their time caring about what happens in ever episode in this show's history. Haha, fuck you stupid tv viewer!"
I'm also sick of Ari's constant gay bashing of Lloyd yet his adament refusual to include the word faggot in his increasingly contrived insults. Seriously, why is that word so taboo? Saying Lloyd has to clean the cum out of his eyes so he can see better is fine but saying, 'Shut up, Lloyd, you faggot,' would be over the line? How does that make sense?
In conclusion, I too would like to be jerked off by Meadow Soprano.
All this makes me think of how absurd it is that basebal teams pop champagne and wildly celebrate after winning each series. How fucking retarded is that? And because they celebrated advacing to the finals only to now be on the brink of choking like jackasses, I am forced to take picture of the Rays celebrating and MS Paint in a bunch of penis to make them all look gay.
Sorry Rays, you brought this on yourselves. Link not safe for work, dummies.
In a mostly unrelated note, did anyone watch last Sunday's Entourage? I still watch it, even though it's boring, predictable and totally retarded, but this week's episode shockingly takes the cake (the cake made of shit). None of the characters in Entourage ever deal with conflicts or suffer consequences yet never before have the lazy, inept writers ever been so blatant as to actually have the group acknowledge that, after a whole season of dramatic post twists and turns, absolutley nothing has changed by the end. "Well Ari's back to being an agent, Vince is a rich movie star and everyone in the audiance just completely wasted their time caring about what happens in ever episode in this show's history. Haha, fuck you stupid tv viewer!"
I'm also sick of Ari's constant gay bashing of Lloyd yet his adament refusual to include the word faggot in his increasingly contrived insults. Seriously, why is that word so taboo? Saying Lloyd has to clean the cum out of his eyes so he can see better is fine but saying, 'Shut up, Lloyd, you faggot,' would be over the line? How does that make sense?
In conclusion, I too would like to be jerked off by Meadow Soprano.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Non baseball crap! Entourage - Episode 4: Prank Dat Soulja Bro!
*** Ed. note - FYI - this post is very long - if you don't have the time or inclination to read the whole thing, there is a short, short condensed version in the comments. or you could ignore the whole post and do something productive with your life. The choice is yours.
The episode starts with Ari closing the door to his Mercedes S600 with his iPhone at his ear.
A: I don't want to hear any excuses Lloyd, I've told you a hundred times already, you need to run interference with Mrs. Gold on this one for me.
L: But Ari, I really think your wife is getting suspicious. She knows you weren't taking Muay Thai lessons yesterday.
A: Hey, Lloyd - who is getting you tickets to see Justin Timberlake that are so close to the stage you'll be able to catch the sweat dripping off his taint?
L: I know Ari but -
A: No buts Lloyd - just keep my wife off my back or you'll be crying me a river after I fire your ass!
Ari hangs up the phone, looks around and then dashes into a store front. We then see that Mrs. Gold watching in a car with a girlfriend.
Mrs G: That son of a bitch!
Mrs Gold gets out and slams the door as her girlfriend shouts words of encouragement to her. She gets to the storefront and peers around the corner into the window. She sees Ari smiling and chatting it up with a really hot saleswoman who then points to her neck, which leads directly to a very exposed and ample display of cleavages. Ari then nods and they both walk behind a curtain to the back of the store together.
Mrs G watching: Mother-
Mrs G swings open the door, storms in and yells: Ari, you piece of shit!
There are a few seconds of silence and then Ari yells from behind the curtain: Fuck!
Mrs G looks stunned as Ari walks out looking annoyed and the cleavaged woman walks out looking sorry. A: Lloyd owes you a pair of JustinTimberlake tickets.
Mrs G: Ari - what? how could? What the fuck is going on you motherfucker?
A: Baby, I can understand and appreciate every thought that's running through your head right now, and I'm sorry you had to think them, but this is a complete misunderstanding and you're going to laugh about this later.
Mrs G: Laugh about what? You and this whore?
Cleavage woman frowns and looks at Ari. Ari gives her a 'hold-on-dont-worry-about-it' look.
A: No baby, about that fact that you thought I was cheating on you when I was just sneaking around this JEWELERY STORE so I could surprise you with this incredibly fabulous and VERY EXPENSIVE 15th year anniversary gift.
Ari then pulls out a box with a really expensive blinged out necklace.
Mrs G: Oh my god Ari that is incredible! Oh - I'm sorry I was so jealous.
A: Please, baby, if I was going to cheat on you I would have done it with your best friend Karrie who was begging to give me a tug job after you passed out during our vacation in Aruba.
Mrs G: Oh Ari... You're like that untamable bad ass that says and does totally rude things that make women go crazy for you, but then deep down you are sensitive and don't follow through and actually hurt the people who fall in love with you, like you would expect someone to do with your attitude.
A: I know. I'm like this totally unbelievable fictional man that doesn't exist anywhere.
Mrs G: I'm so lucky you got me pregnant.
A: Speaking of which, I need to get back to the office so I can keep working. Then tonight I'm going to come home and you can give me my present, and you know what I want.
Mrs G: Of course, Ari, you lovable rascal, you gave me expensive jewelery so now you can fuck my mouth!
The scene cuts to Vince's awesome apartment where Turtle and Drama are playing Nintendo Wii.
T: Fuck your mouth Diddy Kong! Suck it Drama - I just fucked your mouth!
D: Fuck you Turtle, this is bullshit.
T: All day Drama, I've been fucking your mouth all day.
D: You know Turtle, there's a difference between being good at a video game, and being a good sport, and you sir, are a miserable cunt of a sport.
T: Yeah well your mouth is my cunt tonight! Suck another one be-otch! Beeyoooooo!!!
Drama throws his Wiimote on the floor: Screw you asshole!
T: Oh don't be such a cry baby Drama, I'll let you win next time.
D: Oh I'll get you next time Turtle, but it won't be in another round of Mario Cart. No I'm going to get you back when you're not expecting it. And it'll hurt. And then you'll know what it's like to suffer this kind of abuse.
T: Yeah, well then you better think of something good, because it's got to feel pretty terrible to have a guy fuck your mouth for as long as I've been.
Eric and Vince walk in. E: Are you two lovers having another fight?
D: Up yours, E.
E: Hold on, Vince's publicist, whatshername, is calling.
T: Ooh, let me take this call.
Eric hands the phone to Turtle. T: Hey sweetheart, you going out with me tonight?
Publicist: Turtle I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on Earth, you dicklicking dickless limpdick. Put Vince on the phone, now, before I castrate you and then ass rape your mother with your own dick, you no dick having ass fuck.
T: Ooh I love it when you talk like that to me. Here Vince, you better take this, I think she's PMSing pretty hard right now.
V: Hey feisty publicist lady, how is everything about my life that you take care of?
P: Perfect Vince, I'm taking care of everything and all of your publicity is going great. Everyone in Hollywood loves you and you are very rich.
V: Hey great, Thanks for calling.
P: No problem, Vince, talk to you later.
E: So, what are you two doing tonight?
T: I gotta go take Arnold to the vet.
V: Anything wrong?
T: No Arnold is healthy as a horse, just his regular check up.
E: What about you Drama?
D: I'm going stay in and practice. I can't take losing to this disrespectful jerk anymore.
V: Alright, well me and Vince are going to go out to the clubs, see you guys later.
Later, at the club, Vince and Eric and mingling with super hot babes while the newest rap hits are booming over the clubs speakers.
E: So Vince, who are you going to be taking home tonight?
V: I guess anyone that I want.
E: Yeah, I guess you will. Really, any woman here in the club, and probably half the guys, would fuck you right now.
V: I know.
V: So what about you Eric?
E: Well I'll probably meet some hot yet down to earth girl who I can just be honest with. We probably won't have sex tonight but we'll go out a few more times and hopefully develop a meaningful relationship.
V: Yeah you've done that many times before, haven't you?
E: Yes, that's all I ever do. Kind of like how you just go from one meaningless sex partner to another.
V: Yeah, we are pretty predictable that way, aren't we? But you know what, as long as it's always with hot babes, whose complaining?
E: Not me bro!
V: Me neither!
Eric and Vince toast.
The scene cuts back to the house and Turtle is bringing Arnold back from the vet.
T: Yeah Arnold that's a good boy. Now I know your hungry so lets get you something to eat!
D: Hey, uh, Turtle, before you take care of Arnold how about we smoke some bud first?
T: This will only take a second, Drama.
D: Well how about you go get your stash for me, now, and then I'll pack the bong for both of us while you go get Arnold his food.
T: Fine Drama, damn you are pushy sometimes.
Turtle goes into the other room as Drama smirks. Then you hear commotion and dog barking from the other room as Drama sits back on the couch while holding the Wiimote and laughing.
T: Drama god damn it, you put bacon strips in my bag of weed and Arnold came in and ate the whole thing!
D: Karmic payback, motherfucker.
T: Yeah well now neither of have any weed and my connect is on vacation until next week.
D: That's OK, I smoked up before you got home so I'll be good until then.
T: Drama, that is low, you know I am going to get you back for this.
D: Now who's being a baby? Look, just whatever you do, remember that I have to shoot my show tomorrow and you can't do anything that will mess up my job.
T: Oh we'll see about that Drama, we'll see.
We then cut to Eric waking up in some bed with a hot babe.
E: Oh my god, I can't believe we did it last night. I mean, no offense, it was amazing, and so are you, but I must have been drunk. Normally I don't do that the first night I meet someone.
Girl: Hey me neither. Like never! But it was great for me too, and I think you're great too.
E: Hey cool - so we both had a little slutty one night stand but because we were so honest to each other in the morning we can still have a serious relationship.
G: What a crazy unpredictable twist!
E: Truly amazing. Hey I wonder how Vince is doing.
Scene cuts to Vince waking up in bed with the hottest babe ever.
V: I can't believe we didn't sleep together last night. For some reason it just didn't feel right.
Babe: That must be so unusual for you.
V: It really is. This has been such a crazy and unpredictable night for me.
B: Well, we can still have a whole bunch of dirty sex now if you want.
V: Yeah, I would like that, that would be just fine.
The scene cuts to the set where Drama works. He is going over lines when Ari runs into him.
D: Ari, what are you doing here? I didn't think I was an important enough client to you to see by myself.
A: What can I say Johnny, I'm feeling in a really good mood today and I want to spread the love. You see it was my anniversary last night and my wife let me fuck her mouth.
T: Hey what a coincidence, last night I fucked Dramas' mou-
A: Shut the fuck up Turtle, you're interrupting an important business meeting.
T: Uh, you mean I'm interrupting Ari bullshit you while he waits for Vince to show up?
D: Wait, Vince is coming?
T: Yeah Vince is coming. So is E. I called everybody. We're all here to support you in your show, Drama.
Vince and Eric walk up.
E: So Turtle, whats so important that you wanted us all here?
A: Yeah Turtle, I could have stayed home and fucked my wife's mouth again.
T: Hey, can't a bro invite his other bros to come out and support his main bro?
D: Look, I'm glad you're all here, but if you'll excuse me I have to go get ready for my scene.
Drama walks off and Eric runs after him.
E: Drama, wait up. Hey, you have to know Turtle is pulling some kind of prank, right? That's the only reason he would have called us all here.
D: Got that covered bro. See, Turtle's flaw was trying to get Frank in wardrobe to betray me. Frank's a huge Viking Quest fan and he tipped me off that Turtle paid him 50 bucks to write the word FAG on the back of my shirt. I told the whole crew and they're cool so now I just want to get this over with. Especially since all the executive producers are going to be on set for a visit today.
E: Ok, well good luck. I wouldn't underestimate Turtle when it comes to pranks, though.
D: Don't worry E, I'm on to Turtle's scheme this time.
Eric walks back to the gang and Drama goes and does his scene. After a line or two of dialogue he takes his jacket off to reveal a shirt that says FAG in big letters. The whole crew laughs including some old dudes in suits that look like executive producers and the director.
Drama fakes shock and outrage. D: Oh my gosh, who could have snuck in to my wardrobe and written this slanderous insult on my shirt? Goodness this is a terrible prank that just been pulled on me.
Most of the crew then stop laughing but Turtle, Eric, Vince, Ari, the director and the producers all continue to laugh hysterically. They are also no not looking at Drama but at a TV screen in front of the director.
D: Hey Turtle, your little joke wasn't that funny, bro.
Eric in between laughs: I don't know Drama, this is pretty fucking hilarious.
D: What the fuck are you talking about? I told you about the prank before.
E: Yeah, well, um, Drama? You better come take a look at this.
Drama walks over and see everyone looking at a screen of footage from a hand held camcorder that shows Drama hunched over in his dressing room jerking off to an issue of Variety. You can hear through the video that Drama is reading a positive review of one of his shows repeating a line that mentions his name over and over again. All of Drama's friends and co-workers are watching and laughing at him.
T: Ha HA, Drama! I filmed that two months ago and was saving it for just the right time. Now I fucking got you with the ultimate prank! Suck one, faggot!
A: Holy shit, Drama, Turtle is fucking your mouth more than even I fucked my wife's mouth!
E: Hey don't feel that bad, Drama. I mean, it was an awesome prank.
V: Look bro, sometimes you just gotta take a joke. I mean, whats the worst that could happen? I'll always be your brother, and I'll always be obscenely rich.
D: Yeah, good point bro. I guess this is kind of funny.
Executive Producer 1: Well Drama, you certainly know how to role with the punches.
Executive Producer 2: Yes, you're displaying quite a bit of character right now. I like an actor with character.
EP1: Me too. And you know, we're looking for an actor with character to play the leading role in our new show, Law and Order: Los Angeles K-9 Unit. Do you think Drama is our man?
EP2: Absolutely I do. Well what do you say Drama?
D: Yes, I mean yeah I would love that.
A: Hey Drama, now that you're going to be a real actor, I'll take you on as a real client and even treat you with a little respect.
T: And I just found more weed in my pocket that I forgot about!
V: Hey everybody, lets go out tonight and celebrate!
E: Lets do it guys. We deserve it. We really do.
The End.
The episode starts with Ari closing the door to his Mercedes S600 with his iPhone at his ear.
A: I don't want to hear any excuses Lloyd, I've told you a hundred times already, you need to run interference with Mrs. Gold on this one for me.
L: But Ari, I really think your wife is getting suspicious. She knows you weren't taking Muay Thai lessons yesterday.
A: Hey, Lloyd - who is getting you tickets to see Justin Timberlake that are so close to the stage you'll be able to catch the sweat dripping off his taint?
L: I know Ari but -
A: No buts Lloyd - just keep my wife off my back or you'll be crying me a river after I fire your ass!
Ari hangs up the phone, looks around and then dashes into a store front. We then see that Mrs. Gold watching in a car with a girlfriend.
Mrs G: That son of a bitch!
Mrs Gold gets out and slams the door as her girlfriend shouts words of encouragement to her. She gets to the storefront and peers around the corner into the window. She sees Ari smiling and chatting it up with a really hot saleswoman who then points to her neck, which leads directly to a very exposed and ample display of cleavages. Ari then nods and they both walk behind a curtain to the back of the store together.
Mrs G watching: Mother-
Mrs G swings open the door, storms in and yells: Ari, you piece of shit!
There are a few seconds of silence and then Ari yells from behind the curtain: Fuck!
Mrs G looks stunned as Ari walks out looking annoyed and the cleavaged woman walks out looking sorry. A: Lloyd owes you a pair of JustinTimberlake tickets.
Mrs G: Ari - what? how could? What the fuck is going on you motherfucker?
A: Baby, I can understand and appreciate every thought that's running through your head right now, and I'm sorry you had to think them, but this is a complete misunderstanding and you're going to laugh about this later.
Mrs G: Laugh about what? You and this whore?
Cleavage woman frowns and looks at Ari. Ari gives her a 'hold-on-dont-worry-about-it' look.
A: No baby, about that fact that you thought I was cheating on you when I was just sneaking around this JEWELERY STORE so I could surprise you with this incredibly fabulous and VERY EXPENSIVE 15th year anniversary gift.
Ari then pulls out a box with a really expensive blinged out necklace.
Mrs G: Oh my god Ari that is incredible! Oh - I'm sorry I was so jealous.
A: Please, baby, if I was going to cheat on you I would have done it with your best friend Karrie who was begging to give me a tug job after you passed out during our vacation in Aruba.
Mrs G: Oh Ari... You're like that untamable bad ass that says and does totally rude things that make women go crazy for you, but then deep down you are sensitive and don't follow through and actually hurt the people who fall in love with you, like you would expect someone to do with your attitude.
A: I know. I'm like this totally unbelievable fictional man that doesn't exist anywhere.
Mrs G: I'm so lucky you got me pregnant.
A: Speaking of which, I need to get back to the office so I can keep working. Then tonight I'm going to come home and you can give me my present, and you know what I want.
Mrs G: Of course, Ari, you lovable rascal, you gave me expensive jewelery so now you can fuck my mouth!
The scene cuts to Vince's awesome apartment where Turtle and Drama are playing Nintendo Wii.
T: Fuck your mouth Diddy Kong! Suck it Drama - I just fucked your mouth!
D: Fuck you Turtle, this is bullshit.
T: All day Drama, I've been fucking your mouth all day.
D: You know Turtle, there's a difference between being good at a video game, and being a good sport, and you sir, are a miserable cunt of a sport.
T: Yeah well your mouth is my cunt tonight! Suck another one be-otch! Beeyoooooo!!!
Drama throws his Wiimote on the floor: Screw you asshole!
T: Oh don't be such a cry baby Drama, I'll let you win next time.
D: Oh I'll get you next time Turtle, but it won't be in another round of Mario Cart. No I'm going to get you back when you're not expecting it. And it'll hurt. And then you'll know what it's like to suffer this kind of abuse.
T: Yeah, well then you better think of something good, because it's got to feel pretty terrible to have a guy fuck your mouth for as long as I've been.
Eric and Vince walk in. E: Are you two lovers having another fight?
D: Up yours, E.
E: Hold on, Vince's publicist, whatshername, is calling.
T: Ooh, let me take this call.
Eric hands the phone to Turtle. T: Hey sweetheart, you going out with me tonight?
Publicist: Turtle I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on Earth, you dicklicking dickless limpdick. Put Vince on the phone, now, before I castrate you and then ass rape your mother with your own dick, you no dick having ass fuck.
T: Ooh I love it when you talk like that to me. Here Vince, you better take this, I think she's PMSing pretty hard right now.
V: Hey feisty publicist lady, how is everything about my life that you take care of?
P: Perfect Vince, I'm taking care of everything and all of your publicity is going great. Everyone in Hollywood loves you and you are very rich.
V: Hey great, Thanks for calling.
P: No problem, Vince, talk to you later.
E: So, what are you two doing tonight?
T: I gotta go take Arnold to the vet.
V: Anything wrong?
T: No Arnold is healthy as a horse, just his regular check up.
E: What about you Drama?
D: I'm going stay in and practice. I can't take losing to this disrespectful jerk anymore.
V: Alright, well me and Vince are going to go out to the clubs, see you guys later.
Later, at the club, Vince and Eric and mingling with super hot babes while the newest rap hits are booming over the clubs speakers.
E: So Vince, who are you going to be taking home tonight?
V: I guess anyone that I want.
E: Yeah, I guess you will. Really, any woman here in the club, and probably half the guys, would fuck you right now.
V: I know.
V: So what about you Eric?
E: Well I'll probably meet some hot yet down to earth girl who I can just be honest with. We probably won't have sex tonight but we'll go out a few more times and hopefully develop a meaningful relationship.
V: Yeah you've done that many times before, haven't you?
E: Yes, that's all I ever do. Kind of like how you just go from one meaningless sex partner to another.
V: Yeah, we are pretty predictable that way, aren't we? But you know what, as long as it's always with hot babes, whose complaining?
E: Not me bro!
V: Me neither!
Eric and Vince toast.
The scene cuts back to the house and Turtle is bringing Arnold back from the vet.
T: Yeah Arnold that's a good boy. Now I know your hungry so lets get you something to eat!
D: Hey, uh, Turtle, before you take care of Arnold how about we smoke some bud first?
T: This will only take a second, Drama.
D: Well how about you go get your stash for me, now, and then I'll pack the bong for both of us while you go get Arnold his food.
T: Fine Drama, damn you are pushy sometimes.
Turtle goes into the other room as Drama smirks. Then you hear commotion and dog barking from the other room as Drama sits back on the couch while holding the Wiimote and laughing.
T: Drama god damn it, you put bacon strips in my bag of weed and Arnold came in and ate the whole thing!
D: Karmic payback, motherfucker.
T: Yeah well now neither of have any weed and my connect is on vacation until next week.
D: That's OK, I smoked up before you got home so I'll be good until then.
T: Drama, that is low, you know I am going to get you back for this.
D: Now who's being a baby? Look, just whatever you do, remember that I have to shoot my show tomorrow and you can't do anything that will mess up my job.
T: Oh we'll see about that Drama, we'll see.
We then cut to Eric waking up in some bed with a hot babe.
E: Oh my god, I can't believe we did it last night. I mean, no offense, it was amazing, and so are you, but I must have been drunk. Normally I don't do that the first night I meet someone.
Girl: Hey me neither. Like never! But it was great for me too, and I think you're great too.
E: Hey cool - so we both had a little slutty one night stand but because we were so honest to each other in the morning we can still have a serious relationship.
G: What a crazy unpredictable twist!
E: Truly amazing. Hey I wonder how Vince is doing.
Scene cuts to Vince waking up in bed with the hottest babe ever.
V: I can't believe we didn't sleep together last night. For some reason it just didn't feel right.
Babe: That must be so unusual for you.
V: It really is. This has been such a crazy and unpredictable night for me.
B: Well, we can still have a whole bunch of dirty sex now if you want.
V: Yeah, I would like that, that would be just fine.
The scene cuts to the set where Drama works. He is going over lines when Ari runs into him.
D: Ari, what are you doing here? I didn't think I was an important enough client to you to see by myself.
A: What can I say Johnny, I'm feeling in a really good mood today and I want to spread the love. You see it was my anniversary last night and my wife let me fuck her mouth.
T: Hey what a coincidence, last night I fucked Dramas' mou-
A: Shut the fuck up Turtle, you're interrupting an important business meeting.
T: Uh, you mean I'm interrupting Ari bullshit you while he waits for Vince to show up?
D: Wait, Vince is coming?
T: Yeah Vince is coming. So is E. I called everybody. We're all here to support you in your show, Drama.
Vince and Eric walk up.
E: So Turtle, whats so important that you wanted us all here?
A: Yeah Turtle, I could have stayed home and fucked my wife's mouth again.
T: Hey, can't a bro invite his other bros to come out and support his main bro?
D: Look, I'm glad you're all here, but if you'll excuse me I have to go get ready for my scene.
Drama walks off and Eric runs after him.
E: Drama, wait up. Hey, you have to know Turtle is pulling some kind of prank, right? That's the only reason he would have called us all here.
D: Got that covered bro. See, Turtle's flaw was trying to get Frank in wardrobe to betray me. Frank's a huge Viking Quest fan and he tipped me off that Turtle paid him 50 bucks to write the word FAG on the back of my shirt. I told the whole crew and they're cool so now I just want to get this over with. Especially since all the executive producers are going to be on set for a visit today.
E: Ok, well good luck. I wouldn't underestimate Turtle when it comes to pranks, though.
D: Don't worry E, I'm on to Turtle's scheme this time.
Eric walks back to the gang and Drama goes and does his scene. After a line or two of dialogue he takes his jacket off to reveal a shirt that says FAG in big letters. The whole crew laughs including some old dudes in suits that look like executive producers and the director.
Drama fakes shock and outrage. D: Oh my gosh, who could have snuck in to my wardrobe and written this slanderous insult on my shirt? Goodness this is a terrible prank that just been pulled on me.
Most of the crew then stop laughing but Turtle, Eric, Vince, Ari, the director and the producers all continue to laugh hysterically. They are also no not looking at Drama but at a TV screen in front of the director.
D: Hey Turtle, your little joke wasn't that funny, bro.
Eric in between laughs: I don't know Drama, this is pretty fucking hilarious.
D: What the fuck are you talking about? I told you about the prank before.
E: Yeah, well, um, Drama? You better come take a look at this.
Drama walks over and see everyone looking at a screen of footage from a hand held camcorder that shows Drama hunched over in his dressing room jerking off to an issue of Variety. You can hear through the video that Drama is reading a positive review of one of his shows repeating a line that mentions his name over and over again. All of Drama's friends and co-workers are watching and laughing at him.
T: Ha HA, Drama! I filmed that two months ago and was saving it for just the right time. Now I fucking got you with the ultimate prank! Suck one, faggot!
A: Holy shit, Drama, Turtle is fucking your mouth more than even I fucked my wife's mouth!
E: Hey don't feel that bad, Drama. I mean, it was an awesome prank.
V: Look bro, sometimes you just gotta take a joke. I mean, whats the worst that could happen? I'll always be your brother, and I'll always be obscenely rich.
D: Yeah, good point bro. I guess this is kind of funny.
Executive Producer 1: Well Drama, you certainly know how to role with the punches.
Executive Producer 2: Yes, you're displaying quite a bit of character right now. I like an actor with character.
EP1: Me too. And you know, we're looking for an actor with character to play the leading role in our new show, Law and Order: Los Angeles K-9 Unit. Do you think Drama is our man?
EP2: Absolutely I do. Well what do you say Drama?
D: Yes, I mean yeah I would love that.
A: Hey Drama, now that you're going to be a real actor, I'll take you on as a real client and even treat you with a little respect.
T: And I just found more weed in my pocket that I forgot about!
V: Hey everybody, lets go out tonight and celebrate!
E: Lets do it guys. We deserve it. We really do.
The End.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
More non-baseball twaddle: Entourage Holiday Bro-tacular
Vince, Eric and Turtle are sitting in Vince's new place. Drama comes out with a steaming pan of food.
D: Merry X-mas everyone, get your plates ready for some egg nog cassarole.
V: Merry x-mas to you Johnny, and that smells great may I had. You know its great we can still celebrate the holidays together, even though we've all moved out into our own places.
T: And I've got a present for all of you bitches - O Tannen-bud, Jolly old St. Ni-chonic, that sticky evergreen pine leaves.
E: Evergreens don't have leaves, Turtle, they have needles.
Turtle finishes unwrapping several joints from a napkin he pulled out of his pocket. T: Whatever E, you want your x-mas present or not?
V: I'll accept your present, Turtle. How very thoughtful of you.
D: I'll smoke with you, Turtle. Just as soon a I finish my Fitness Made Simple workout.
E: Fitness Made Simple, by fitness celebrity John Basedow?
D: He's the one. Guy's workout is the best. He makes Chuck Norris' Total Body Workout look like dog shit.
E: Isn't Chuck Norris kind of an asshole in real life, too?
Turtle, after taking a big toke of a joint: True dat. Chuck Norris fact: huge fag.
The gang all laughs. Eric's phone rings.
E: Ari - whats the good word.
Ari slams the door of his black S class Mercedes carrying 2 iPhones and talking on a third.
A: Two words Eric, Summer's Eve, as in you need to wash out that god damn vagina of yours, I can smell you from here Eric, the tuna has spoiled.
E: Shut the fuck up Ari.
A: No, E, let me tell you has a friend: you need to start douching your vagina. People are starting to talk.
E: Oh yeah you fuckin prick? Well talk to me about Don Helmut. When are his checks to the Medellin funding coming in?
A: Dinner tonight - he's brining the checks, so for fucks sake, wash your fucking vagaina.
Ari hangs up at Eric and then gives the finger to some guy who rides by on a bike and nearly hits him.
Later on at the restaurant Vince and Eric walk and and Ari comes out to greet him.
A: Hurry up and sit down, I don't know how much longer Don is going to last.
Eric and Vince look at him quizzically. Then they notice in the background Don, chugging a magnum of Champagne, flanked by 3 beautiful prostitutes.
DH: Look how fast I can drink this Champagne you whores!
Eric, Vince and Ari sit down at the table cautiously.
E: So, Don, I heard you brought some checks with you?
DH, shouting: In a minute, Eric - If you haven't noticed, I'm kind of busy with these whores!!!
Don puts his face between one of the prostitutes clevage and shakes his back and forth. Then picks his head up and looks at Vince.
DH: Vince! Look at these tits!!! They're big enough to play telephone operator with!!!
Don grabs one boob of another prostitute and puts it next to his ear. Then he grab the other boob and begins sucking on and saying "Hello!? Hello?!"
DH: Gentlemen - A toast!!!
Ari: Sure Don, I'm as much for mixing business with pleasure as anyone but aren't you taking it easy these days?
DH: Easy? What the fuck do I have to take it easy for? I'm back on top baby! I AM THE CHAMPION! In fact, forget these weak french shit [Don tosses the bottle of champagne carelessly behind him] I didn't buy all this blow to not snort it!
V: We just don't want to see you over do it Don. We want to be able to make more movies with you after Medellin.
DH: Over do it? [Don picks his nose up from a mound full of cocaine he had just dumped all over one of the prostitute's ass]. How could I over do it? I'm the best! The world's fucking greatest of mankind!!!
E: No one is saying otherwise Don but is all this really necessary?
DH: DON HELMUT DOES WHAT DON HELMUT WANTS!!! [Don stands up and kicks his chair over] You know what I haven't done since last time I got this fucking gaked up? [Don pulls out a hand gun and loads a bullet. Everyone else freaks out]. That's right, it's didi mao time! I don't know why everyone calls it Russian Roulette. The only people I've ever seen do it are chinks and slopes!!!
A: Don - think about what you're doin babe. Put the gun down.
DH: Hey! He're to being number one!
Done puts the gun under neath his chin and pulls the trigger. The bullet blows his brains out the top of his skull and he collapses dead on the table, tipping it over and making a colossal mess.
E: Holy Shit
V: Whoa
A [with one raised eyebrow]: I would have put my money on V.D. getting him first, but I gotta give him credit for style.
E: So what do we do now?
A: I think we all know what we have to do now. Vince is doing Thundercats.
V: Ari - how can you say something like that?
Ari just holds his palms up and stammers.
V: Ari -you know I want to do something meaningful in my career, and not the big box office schlock. It may not matter to you, but it matters to me. And you're supposed to know this Ari.
A: Yeah but Vince, baby, I'm your agent!
V: Not anymore Ari. You're fired. Come on Eric, lets go.
A dumbfounded Ari is left my Don Helmut's corpse and an equally shocked Eric follows Vince out of the restaurant.
Eric is now driving Vince home.
E: You know you really impressed me in there Vince. I didn't think you had that in you.
V: I liked Ari, Eric, I really did. But he just doesn't know what I want right now.
E: Which would be specifically?
V: You know Eric. I want to make some arty film for a couple months a year, then wander in and out of meaningless relationships as I sex up the beautiful women in hollywood, and then kick back and smoke a little bud. That's all I want really. To act a little and then bone all sorts of crazy hot ass and get high. Why can't Ari get that?
E: I don't know Vince, but I really wish I would finally accomplish some of my personal goals as well.
V: Yeah? You're not accomplishing you goals, Eric?
E: No, to be honest I'm not. All I want is to take care of my clients.
V: You mean client? It's still just me.
E: Right, but thats fine, all i need is you as a client. All I need to to manage your career. And have a girlfriend that walks all over me.
V: Wait, what was that last part?
E: You know, I just want a girlfriend to tell me what to do all the time. And kinda, not respect anything I do or say. And belittle my opinion. And then step on my balls after sex. But you know this.
V: Yeah, I did know this. Look Eric, you're my best friend, so I'm telling you this cause I love you, but you're a bitch.
E: What?
V: It's true, you just want to be a little bith. You want to remove your cock and balls and replace them with a big sandy vagina. It's not that I'm ragging on you, it's just that you are the definition of a pussy.
E: Yeah, you know, you really all right. I should stop fighting it and just accept the fact that I'm a bitch. And you know, now that I have, it's not so bad.
V: Hey, some people are bitches, no big deal.
E: All right, all right, good talk, but we still have to worry about how we're getting money for Medellin now that Don Helmut is dead.
V: Eric, you worry to much, things will work out.
E: That's what you always say.
Vince and Eric get back to Vince's home where Drama and Turtle are over playing the video game Rock Band.
E: Have you guys been hear playing Rock Band the whole time.
T: No, we also hit the bong a little bit. Yo I'm baked like muffins yo!
V: Sounds better than our day.
T: What happens at dinner?
E: It was a disaster - Don Helmut died and now we have no funding for Medellin. Then Vince fired Ari.
D: I'm sorry bro. Things went better for me when I talked to my agent. Turns out my TV show has been going so well that I'm now able to get decent parts in real movies. Now I'm cmpletely content. My career is back to a respectable level. I can still get high and clown around with Turtle, and I have enough ridiculously gay outfits to keep me looking like a vain fruitcake for years. I really have everything I need.
T: Oh yeah, and Vince, I found something earlier today that I think you can use.
Turtle pulls a box up from next to the couch and opens it.
T: It's a box of money! I found it in the back yard. There's like, 150 million in there so that should cover your Medellin money and leave plenty left over for me to buy ass loads of weed and stupid colored Yankee hats.
E: Hey, Turtle! Great! And I found out I can be happy leading this miserable pathetic bitch of a life.
T: Thats great it suits you, bitch.
V: You know what, I'm going to call Ari back. Now that we've got money, I'll rehire him and give him another shot.
D: So we're all happy and nothing ever changes. That calls for a fucking X-mas toast. Lets break out the Cuervo!
Everyone toasts together: Merry fucking Xmas!!!!
D: And a totally sweet and awesome New Years, bros.
The end
D: Merry X-mas everyone, get your plates ready for some egg nog cassarole.
V: Merry x-mas to you Johnny, and that smells great may I had. You know its great we can still celebrate the holidays together, even though we've all moved out into our own places.
T: And I've got a present for all of you bitches - O Tannen-bud, Jolly old St. Ni-chonic, that sticky evergreen pine leaves.
E: Evergreens don't have leaves, Turtle, they have needles.
Turtle finishes unwrapping several joints from a napkin he pulled out of his pocket. T: Whatever E, you want your x-mas present or not?
V: I'll accept your present, Turtle. How very thoughtful of you.
D: I'll smoke with you, Turtle. Just as soon a I finish my Fitness Made Simple workout.
E: Fitness Made Simple, by fitness celebrity John Basedow?
D: He's the one. Guy's workout is the best. He makes Chuck Norris' Total Body Workout look like dog shit.
E: Isn't Chuck Norris kind of an asshole in real life, too?
Turtle, after taking a big toke of a joint: True dat. Chuck Norris fact: huge fag.
The gang all laughs. Eric's phone rings.
E: Ari - whats the good word.
Ari slams the door of his black S class Mercedes carrying 2 iPhones and talking on a third.
A: Two words Eric, Summer's Eve, as in you need to wash out that god damn vagina of yours, I can smell you from here Eric, the tuna has spoiled.
E: Shut the fuck up Ari.
A: No, E, let me tell you has a friend: you need to start douching your vagina. People are starting to talk.
E: Oh yeah you fuckin prick? Well talk to me about Don Helmut. When are his checks to the Medellin funding coming in?
A: Dinner tonight - he's brining the checks, so for fucks sake, wash your fucking vagaina.
Ari hangs up at Eric and then gives the finger to some guy who rides by on a bike and nearly hits him.
Later on at the restaurant Vince and Eric walk and and Ari comes out to greet him.
A: Hurry up and sit down, I don't know how much longer Don is going to last.
Eric and Vince look at him quizzically. Then they notice in the background Don, chugging a magnum of Champagne, flanked by 3 beautiful prostitutes.
DH: Look how fast I can drink this Champagne you whores!
Eric, Vince and Ari sit down at the table cautiously.
E: So, Don, I heard you brought some checks with you?
DH, shouting: In a minute, Eric - If you haven't noticed, I'm kind of busy with these whores!!!
Don puts his face between one of the prostitutes clevage and shakes his back and forth. Then picks his head up and looks at Vince.
DH: Vince! Look at these tits!!! They're big enough to play telephone operator with!!!
Don grabs one boob of another prostitute and puts it next to his ear. Then he grab the other boob and begins sucking on and saying "Hello!? Hello?!"
DH: Gentlemen - A toast!!!
Ari: Sure Don, I'm as much for mixing business with pleasure as anyone but aren't you taking it easy these days?
DH: Easy? What the fuck do I have to take it easy for? I'm back on top baby! I AM THE CHAMPION! In fact, forget these weak french shit [Don tosses the bottle of champagne carelessly behind him] I didn't buy all this blow to not snort it!
V: We just don't want to see you over do it Don. We want to be able to make more movies with you after Medellin.
DH: Over do it? [Don picks his nose up from a mound full of cocaine he had just dumped all over one of the prostitute's ass]. How could I over do it? I'm the best! The world's fucking greatest of mankind!!!
E: No one is saying otherwise Don but is all this really necessary?
DH: DON HELMUT DOES WHAT DON HELMUT WANTS!!! [Don stands up and kicks his chair over] You know what I haven't done since last time I got this fucking gaked up? [Don pulls out a hand gun and loads a bullet. Everyone else freaks out]. That's right, it's didi mao time! I don't know why everyone calls it Russian Roulette. The only people I've ever seen do it are chinks and slopes!!!
A: Don - think about what you're doin babe. Put the gun down.
DH: Hey! He're to being number one!
Done puts the gun under neath his chin and pulls the trigger. The bullet blows his brains out the top of his skull and he collapses dead on the table, tipping it over and making a colossal mess.
E: Holy Shit
V: Whoa
A [with one raised eyebrow]: I would have put my money on V.D. getting him first, but I gotta give him credit for style.
E: So what do we do now?
A: I think we all know what we have to do now. Vince is doing Thundercats.
V: Ari - how can you say something like that?
Ari just holds his palms up and stammers.
V: Ari -you know I want to do something meaningful in my career, and not the big box office schlock. It may not matter to you, but it matters to me. And you're supposed to know this Ari.
A: Yeah but Vince, baby, I'm your agent!
V: Not anymore Ari. You're fired. Come on Eric, lets go.
A dumbfounded Ari is left my Don Helmut's corpse and an equally shocked Eric follows Vince out of the restaurant.
Eric is now driving Vince home.
E: You know you really impressed me in there Vince. I didn't think you had that in you.
V: I liked Ari, Eric, I really did. But he just doesn't know what I want right now.
E: Which would be specifically?
V: You know Eric. I want to make some arty film for a couple months a year, then wander in and out of meaningless relationships as I sex up the beautiful women in hollywood, and then kick back and smoke a little bud. That's all I want really. To act a little and then bone all sorts of crazy hot ass and get high. Why can't Ari get that?
E: I don't know Vince, but I really wish I would finally accomplish some of my personal goals as well.
V: Yeah? You're not accomplishing you goals, Eric?
E: No, to be honest I'm not. All I want is to take care of my clients.
V: You mean client? It's still just me.
E: Right, but thats fine, all i need is you as a client. All I need to to manage your career. And have a girlfriend that walks all over me.
V: Wait, what was that last part?
E: You know, I just want a girlfriend to tell me what to do all the time. And kinda, not respect anything I do or say. And belittle my opinion. And then step on my balls after sex. But you know this.
V: Yeah, I did know this. Look Eric, you're my best friend, so I'm telling you this cause I love you, but you're a bitch.
E: What?
V: It's true, you just want to be a little bith. You want to remove your cock and balls and replace them with a big sandy vagina. It's not that I'm ragging on you, it's just that you are the definition of a pussy.
E: Yeah, you know, you really all right. I should stop fighting it and just accept the fact that I'm a bitch. And you know, now that I have, it's not so bad.
V: Hey, some people are bitches, no big deal.
E: All right, all right, good talk, but we still have to worry about how we're getting money for Medellin now that Don Helmut is dead.
V: Eric, you worry to much, things will work out.
E: That's what you always say.
Vince and Eric get back to Vince's home where Drama and Turtle are over playing the video game Rock Band.
E: Have you guys been hear playing Rock Band the whole time.
T: No, we also hit the bong a little bit. Yo I'm baked like muffins yo!
V: Sounds better than our day.
T: What happens at dinner?
E: It was a disaster - Don Helmut died and now we have no funding for Medellin. Then Vince fired Ari.
D: I'm sorry bro. Things went better for me when I talked to my agent. Turns out my TV show has been going so well that I'm now able to get decent parts in real movies. Now I'm cmpletely content. My career is back to a respectable level. I can still get high and clown around with Turtle, and I have enough ridiculously gay outfits to keep me looking like a vain fruitcake for years. I really have everything I need.
T: Oh yeah, and Vince, I found something earlier today that I think you can use.
Turtle pulls a box up from next to the couch and opens it.
T: It's a box of money! I found it in the back yard. There's like, 150 million in there so that should cover your Medellin money and leave plenty left over for me to buy ass loads of weed and stupid colored Yankee hats.
E: Hey, Turtle! Great! And I found out I can be happy leading this miserable pathetic bitch of a life.
T: Thats great it suits you, bitch.
V: You know what, I'm going to call Ari back. Now that we've got money, I'll rehire him and give him another shot.
D: So we're all happy and nothing ever changes. That calls for a fucking X-mas toast. Lets break out the Cuervo!
Everyone toasts together: Merry fucking Xmas!!!!
D: And a totally sweet and awesome New Years, bros.
The end
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Entourage Episode 2: It Feels Good to Be Back on Top
Eric pulls up to a LA mansion in his Maserati sports car. Vince coolly walks out of the house, hugs a fine ass babe, puts on sunglasses, waves and gets in Eric's car.
E: Looks like last night was a success.
V: I would call it a success, yes.
E: Such a success that you'll ever call this girl again?
V: Cassandra? Hmmm... probably not.
E: Unbelievable.
V: Well what about your new girl, did you two have a success while I was gone?
E: You mean fuck her? I don't need to fuck Bethany for it to be a success, Vince.
V: That's my boy, E, without you, who would keep romance alive.
E: Certainly not you. But listen, we need to talk more about Thundercats.
V: Do we really? E, I just spent all day clearing my head, the last thing I want to do is cloud it up by discussing a movie about talking cats.
E: Well Ari has been driving me batshit calling about it. If you don't do Thundercats you need to do something.
V: You know what I want to do? Get Medellin distribution.
E: Allright, if I talk to Ari about Medellin will you at least read the Thundercats script.
V: Sure E, whatever you say.
E: Great, I'll call Ari as soon as we get back.
The scene shift to Drama and Turtle walking down a trendy Hollywood boulevard.
T: So you're going to make me get a rub and tug alone, Drama?
D: Sorry Turtle, now that I'm on a primetime network program I can't risk getting caught on camera coming out of one of those places.
T: Like anyone gives a shit who jerks you off.
D: Regardless Turtle, I'm getting my next piece of ass the old fashion way.
T: Fine, then comes with me to the bar and help me pick up chicks.
D: You really want to go to a singles bar, Turtle? Singles bars are so... desperate.
T: I am desperate, Drama!
D: God, you must be. All right, Turtle, I will do everything in my power to help you get laid tonight.
T: Thank you.
D: Nah, you know what bro, we're doing more than just taking some home some one night stand, we're going for the holy grail of hook ups.
T: Now you're talking.
D: Turtle, today, we will be having threesomes!
Turtle and Drama high five.
The action moves to Eric pacing the house waiting for Ari to answer.
A: Eric, what the fuck is up? And don't say your diminutive Irish prick, because Lloyd is already fully turgid, any more excitement and his going to ruin his new iMac that I just bought the whole office.
L: Ari, leave poor Eric alone!
E: I called to talk about Medellin, Ari.
A: Holy shit you must have read my mind, I was about to bring up Medellin. I though leprechauns just hoarded pots of gold at the end of rainbows, I didn't know they had ESP too. Have you been banging Miss Cleo, Eric?
E: Will you shut the fuck up and just say whatever is it is you've got to say about Medellin?
A: How about you and Vince get dressed up and meet me tonight at the new fancy Pan-Asian cuisine restaurant so you can meet our new bankroll.
E: We got funding or Medellin? That's great news.
A: Not just yet, E, that's what dinner is for, so don't ruin your appetite.
Ari hangs up and turns to Lloyd: All right Lloyd, get me those reservations. And not at the places you like to go, my leather pants and ball gag haven't come back from the try cleaners.
L: You are going to get yourself into a heap of trouble with that talk one of these days, Ari Gold.
A: Oh, Lloyd, this would be so less fun if you were black.
It is now later at night and Vince and Eric walk into the fancy restaurant to meet Vince, who is sitting with an older gentleman.
A: Boys, come here, I want to introduce you to the man of the hour, Mr. Don Helmut.
DH: Vince! I'm a huge fan!
V: Don, pleasure to meet you.
E: Hi Don, I'm Eric Murphy.
DH: Eric! Vince! Boys! Let me ask you, have you guys ever been down on your luck?
E: Well I wouldn't say we've had bad luck but we certainly went through pretty tough time while shooting this movie.
V: Of course it was all a labor of love.
DH: Well if you've ever been done before, let me tell you, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK ON TOP!
A: Hear, hear!
E: Does that mean you want to fund Medellin and give us distribution?
DH: Listen boys, I used to be the biggest swinging dick in all of Hollywood during the 70's and 80's. But then I hit a rough patch and fell on hard times. Lots of coke, lots of hookers, a few snuff films. It wasn't pretty. But NOW I'M BACK BABY. And I want you to be part of the winning team!
A: Don's back in business and all in with Medellin. So, I'd say we have ourselves a deal.
E: Uh, yeah, I think we got ourselves a deal.
DH: Vince, do you want to be back on top?
V: I'm all in too, Don.
DH: That's what I wanted to here, of course you want to be back on top. It's fucking great at the top. Now let me ask you this, who's better than us? WHO'S FUCKING BETTER THAN US?
A: No one Don, absolutely no one, thats who.
DH: HOLY SHIT IT FEELS GOOD TO BE NUMBER ONE!
Eric, Vince, Ari and Don Helmut all raise their glasses to toast being number one again.
We now join Turtle and Drama again, who are both at a hot singles bar talking to four hot babes.
D: That's right ladies, my network TV show just got picked up for a second season, so you're going to be seeing a lot more of me this coming year.
All the hot babes giggle.
T: And I'm Vincent Chase's right hand man. Which means I hang with Vince, I smoke weed with Vince, eat with Vince, rip bong hits with Vince, drive with Vince, burn dank nugs with Vince.
The babes all giggle some more.
Drama pulls Turtle aside and says: I think we got this in the bag, bro. What did I tell you?
T: Two for me and two for you. Nothing stopping us from reaching the holy grail of hook ups now.
But then, out of no where, Justin Timberlake walks into the bar.
All the babes scream: JT!!!!
JT steps in and slaps five with Drama and Turtle as he moves into the babes.
D: Yeah, Justin, how ya been? Haven't seen you since that MTV awards after party.
JT: Drama, how are you my man?
Drama pulls JT aside: Listen bro, me and my boy here were working a little threesome action each for our selves here. But seeing as you're also one of my bros, there's no need to get greedy, there's plenty of ladies to go around.
JT: Drama, come on, like I really need to have another threesome? Please.
Drama and Turtle relax as it no looks like there will be at least one babe for each of them.
JT: But what I'd really like to do is have a foursome. You, you, and you, come one, lets go bring sexy back.
Turtle and Drama see their hopes dashed as JT leads three of the hot babes aay leaving just one remaining. The babe, dejected that she didn't get picked by JT then looks at both Turtle and Drama and gives a 'whatever' smile.
T: Of all the friggin people to show up.
D: Can it Turtle, I told you we'd be having a threesome tonight so lets go.
Drama grabs the remaining babe's hand and motions to Turtle.
T: Again? Fine, just don't look me in the eyes this time, Drama.
D: I know how this works Turtle just stay cool.
Turtle rolls his eyes and says: Come on honey, lemme show you where Vince takes his dump.
He then says aside to Drama: I call the back this time.
D: You had the back last time, thats not fair!
T: Yeah but I called it.
And the two continue to argue as they exit the bar for their MMF threesome.
The End.
E: Looks like last night was a success.
V: I would call it a success, yes.
E: Such a success that you'll ever call this girl again?
V: Cassandra? Hmmm... probably not.
E: Unbelievable.
V: Well what about your new girl, did you two have a success while I was gone?
E: You mean fuck her? I don't need to fuck Bethany for it to be a success, Vince.
V: That's my boy, E, without you, who would keep romance alive.
E: Certainly not you. But listen, we need to talk more about Thundercats.
V: Do we really? E, I just spent all day clearing my head, the last thing I want to do is cloud it up by discussing a movie about talking cats.
E: Well Ari has been driving me batshit calling about it. If you don't do Thundercats you need to do something.
V: You know what I want to do? Get Medellin distribution.
E: Allright, if I talk to Ari about Medellin will you at least read the Thundercats script.
V: Sure E, whatever you say.
E: Great, I'll call Ari as soon as we get back.
The scene shift to Drama and Turtle walking down a trendy Hollywood boulevard.
T: So you're going to make me get a rub and tug alone, Drama?
D: Sorry Turtle, now that I'm on a primetime network program I can't risk getting caught on camera coming out of one of those places.
T: Like anyone gives a shit who jerks you off.
D: Regardless Turtle, I'm getting my next piece of ass the old fashion way.
T: Fine, then comes with me to the bar and help me pick up chicks.
D: You really want to go to a singles bar, Turtle? Singles bars are so... desperate.
T: I am desperate, Drama!
D: God, you must be. All right, Turtle, I will do everything in my power to help you get laid tonight.
T: Thank you.
D: Nah, you know what bro, we're doing more than just taking some home some one night stand, we're going for the holy grail of hook ups.
T: Now you're talking.
D: Turtle, today, we will be having threesomes!
Turtle and Drama high five.
The action moves to Eric pacing the house waiting for Ari to answer.
A: Eric, what the fuck is up? And don't say your diminutive Irish prick, because Lloyd is already fully turgid, any more excitement and his going to ruin his new iMac that I just bought the whole office.
L: Ari, leave poor Eric alone!
E: I called to talk about Medellin, Ari.
A: Holy shit you must have read my mind, I was about to bring up Medellin. I though leprechauns just hoarded pots of gold at the end of rainbows, I didn't know they had ESP too. Have you been banging Miss Cleo, Eric?
E: Will you shut the fuck up and just say whatever is it is you've got to say about Medellin?
A: How about you and Vince get dressed up and meet me tonight at the new fancy Pan-Asian cuisine restaurant so you can meet our new bankroll.
E: We got funding or Medellin? That's great news.
A: Not just yet, E, that's what dinner is for, so don't ruin your appetite.
Ari hangs up and turns to Lloyd: All right Lloyd, get me those reservations. And not at the places you like to go, my leather pants and ball gag haven't come back from the try cleaners.
L: You are going to get yourself into a heap of trouble with that talk one of these days, Ari Gold.
A: Oh, Lloyd, this would be so less fun if you were black.
It is now later at night and Vince and Eric walk into the fancy restaurant to meet Vince, who is sitting with an older gentleman.
A: Boys, come here, I want to introduce you to the man of the hour, Mr. Don Helmut.
DH: Vince! I'm a huge fan!
V: Don, pleasure to meet you.
E: Hi Don, I'm Eric Murphy.
DH: Eric! Vince! Boys! Let me ask you, have you guys ever been down on your luck?
E: Well I wouldn't say we've had bad luck but we certainly went through pretty tough time while shooting this movie.
V: Of course it was all a labor of love.
DH: Well if you've ever been done before, let me tell you, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK ON TOP!
A: Hear, hear!
E: Does that mean you want to fund Medellin and give us distribution?
DH: Listen boys, I used to be the biggest swinging dick in all of Hollywood during the 70's and 80's. But then I hit a rough patch and fell on hard times. Lots of coke, lots of hookers, a few snuff films. It wasn't pretty. But NOW I'M BACK BABY. And I want you to be part of the winning team!
A: Don's back in business and all in with Medellin. So, I'd say we have ourselves a deal.
E: Uh, yeah, I think we got ourselves a deal.
DH: Vince, do you want to be back on top?
V: I'm all in too, Don.
DH: That's what I wanted to here, of course you want to be back on top. It's fucking great at the top. Now let me ask you this, who's better than us? WHO'S FUCKING BETTER THAN US?
A: No one Don, absolutely no one, thats who.
DH: HOLY SHIT IT FEELS GOOD TO BE NUMBER ONE!
Eric, Vince, Ari and Don Helmut all raise their glasses to toast being number one again.
We now join Turtle and Drama again, who are both at a hot singles bar talking to four hot babes.
D: That's right ladies, my network TV show just got picked up for a second season, so you're going to be seeing a lot more of me this coming year.
All the hot babes giggle.
T: And I'm Vincent Chase's right hand man. Which means I hang with Vince, I smoke weed with Vince, eat with Vince, rip bong hits with Vince, drive with Vince, burn dank nugs with Vince.
The babes all giggle some more.
Drama pulls Turtle aside and says: I think we got this in the bag, bro. What did I tell you?
T: Two for me and two for you. Nothing stopping us from reaching the holy grail of hook ups now.
But then, out of no where, Justin Timberlake walks into the bar.
All the babes scream: JT!!!!
JT steps in and slaps five with Drama and Turtle as he moves into the babes.
D: Yeah, Justin, how ya been? Haven't seen you since that MTV awards after party.
JT: Drama, how are you my man?
Drama pulls JT aside: Listen bro, me and my boy here were working a little threesome action each for our selves here. But seeing as you're also one of my bros, there's no need to get greedy, there's plenty of ladies to go around.
JT: Drama, come on, like I really need to have another threesome? Please.
Drama and Turtle relax as it no looks like there will be at least one babe for each of them.
JT: But what I'd really like to do is have a foursome. You, you, and you, come one, lets go bring sexy back.
Turtle and Drama see their hopes dashed as JT leads three of the hot babes aay leaving just one remaining. The babe, dejected that she didn't get picked by JT then looks at both Turtle and Drama and gives a 'whatever' smile.
T: Of all the friggin people to show up.
D: Can it Turtle, I told you we'd be having a threesome tonight so lets go.
Drama grabs the remaining babe's hand and motions to Turtle.
T: Again? Fine, just don't look me in the eyes this time, Drama.
D: I know how this works Turtle just stay cool.
Turtle rolls his eyes and says: Come on honey, lemme show you where Vince takes his dump.
He then says aside to Drama: I call the back this time.
D: You had the back last time, thats not fair!
T: Yeah but I called it.
And the two continue to argue as they exit the bar for their MMF threesome.
The End.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Entourage Episode 1 - Sweet Bros
Our heroes are assembled around the kitchen counter in Drama's Beverly Hills condo. Drama comes out with a steaming pan of breakfast foods.
D: Dig in boys, I made a Chase family specialty this morning: Celebration eggs!
Turtle: What the fuck are you celebrating, Drama? That retarded T-Shirt you're wearing?
D: Laugh all you want Turtle, Viking Quest just got optioned for a new 're-imaging' of the series by the Sci-Fi Channel, and guess who's getting paid dividends.
D: That's great Drama, now a whole new generation of pathetic geeks will be yelling "Victory!" while playing World of Warcraft in their parent's basement.
Vince: Hey, I'm proud of you big bro, and I have some more good news that deserves celebrating.
Eric: You found some new investors for Medeillen?
V: No, don't worry about Medeillen, E, this is even better -Queens Boulevard's DVD numbers just came in, and guess who's going to make enough for us all to move out of Beverly Hills? No offense, Johnny.
D: None taken, Vince, frankly I was about to say something. You guys are starting to cramp my style.
T: Whatsamatter, Drama? Not enough privacy to jerk off 3 times a day anymore?
E: Anyway, that's great, Vince. So no more money problems?
V: Nope, no more problems. We're really back.
T: Can I get a sweet bros, cheer?
All together with raises glasses of orange juice: We're sweet bros!!!
Scene cuts to Eric driving around in his car.
E: Hey Ari, it's Eric.
A: E, how's my favorite oompa loompa? Toss any pizza dough in the magic lollipop kingdom? Lloyd! I said toss any pizza dough, not toss any salad, get your hard-on under control, you're about to explode through your Isaac Mizrahi Target Brand leather pants.
L: Ari! Do not tell E about my raging boner, he's one of the good ones!
A: Eric, Lloyd wants you to know that he is approaching the point of ejaculatory inevitability.
L: Ari!
E: That's great, Ari, look Vince is in a good mood right now and I think now is a good time to get him to sign on to a blockbuster type. You got any scripts in mind?
A: What, is he all pumped up from the QB DVD scratch coming his way?
E: Yeah, he is, you know about that all ready?
A: Of course I know about that, Eric, you stupid faggot.
L: Ari Gold!
A: Sorry, Lloyd!
E: Look Ari, You got anything or not.
A: Eric, please, of course I have the perfect script. I am the Master of all Scripts you little yeast infection. Ready for this: Thundercats, the Movie.
E: What, the kid's cartoon?
A: You bet your your sweet Cheetara licking ass, its Thundercats fucking ho, baby! You think Transformers the movie was a fluke? All those nerds who grew up in the 80's now have big bucks to spend on their childhood memories, only now they don't want some 2-bit cartoon animated by some Korean sweat shop, they want to see live action summer blockbusters that have multi-million dollar sponsorships from Chevrolet and Kibbles and Bits and whoever the fuck else the studios shake down. And those blockbusters make enough cash to keep Shia Le Bouf knee deep in underage pink for years.
E: OK, I'm sold, but do you think Vince will want to do a live-action cartoon?
A: That's not my job, limp dick, that's yours, now get it done.
Eric hangs up and the action cuts to Turtle and and Drama walking through a Best Buy.
D: OK Turtle, explain to me what we're doing here?
T: Calm down, Drama, I got a connection.
D: When you say connection, don't you just mean you figured out another way to scam some poor soul into giving you free stuff because you're associated with Vince?
T: Yeah, so?
D: So who is paying you this time?
T: All I have to do is say I'm going to get a picture of Vince holding this toy plastic guitar, and we get hooked up with an XBox 360, Guitar Hero III and a $500 gift certificate.
D: So Best Buy and Guitar Hero are giving you money? You are a cheap corporate whore, Turtle.
T: I'll suck the corporate teat all day, baby. Or once a week, anyway.
D: Clearly.
The scene shifts to Eric and Vince discussing the next movie at lunch.
V: I don't why see why you want to do another movie right now, E, I told you, we have plenty of money.
E: That doesn't mean you have to stop making movies completely, Vince. Now did you read the script, Ari gave us?
V: Yeah I read it, Lionel fights the evil Skeletor and saves the day.
E: Skeletor was He-Man, Vince. You didn't read it did you?
V: Allright, Eric, you got me, I didn't read it. I'm a little distracted, OK, I have a date with Sabrina tonight and I don't want anything keeping me from reaching my sexual peak.
E: Don't you mean you have a date with Christie?
Vince thinks. V: Yeah I guess I did. Well I like Christie better anyway. She's more sensual.
E: Jeez, Vince, you're just constantly having so much sex with so many fine women. You can't even keep all the different hot women who you are about to have sex with straight.
Vince chuckles. V: Yeah, I guess you're right. I am always having crazy mind-blowing passionate sex with different hot pieces of ass all the god damn time.
Scene cuts back to Drama's apartment where all the gang are rocking out to Guitar Hero like rock gods.
D: So bro, you bang that hot piece of ass?
Vince takes a huge bong hit, then answers he exhales. V: Yes Johnny, I did.
T: E, I know you didn't have sex last night. Even if you did have a girl all you'd do is cuddle like a little bitch, you fucking little bitch.
E: Fuck you bitch. I'm not a bitch. You're a bitch. All you do with your bitch ass self is jerk off like a bitch. Bitch. You bitch.
Drama finishes a sweet guitar solo. D: Hey, bros, calm done. You're going to be moving out soon and I think we all need to smoke some more bud and realize how sweet we are.
T: I'll fuckin smoke to that!
Everyone together: SWEEEEEEEET BROOOOOS!!!!!!!
End episode 1
D: Dig in boys, I made a Chase family specialty this morning: Celebration eggs!
Turtle: What the fuck are you celebrating, Drama? That retarded T-Shirt you're wearing?
D: Laugh all you want Turtle, Viking Quest just got optioned for a new 're-imaging' of the series by the Sci-Fi Channel, and guess who's getting paid dividends.
D: That's great Drama, now a whole new generation of pathetic geeks will be yelling "Victory!" while playing World of Warcraft in their parent's basement.
Vince: Hey, I'm proud of you big bro, and I have some more good news that deserves celebrating.
Eric: You found some new investors for Medeillen?
V: No, don't worry about Medeillen, E, this is even better -Queens Boulevard's DVD numbers just came in, and guess who's going to make enough for us all to move out of Beverly Hills? No offense, Johnny.
D: None taken, Vince, frankly I was about to say something. You guys are starting to cramp my style.
T: Whatsamatter, Drama? Not enough privacy to jerk off 3 times a day anymore?
E: Anyway, that's great, Vince. So no more money problems?
V: Nope, no more problems. We're really back.
T: Can I get a sweet bros, cheer?
All together with raises glasses of orange juice: We're sweet bros!!!
Scene cuts to Eric driving around in his car.
E: Hey Ari, it's Eric.
A: E, how's my favorite oompa loompa? Toss any pizza dough in the magic lollipop kingdom? Lloyd! I said toss any pizza dough, not toss any salad, get your hard-on under control, you're about to explode through your Isaac Mizrahi Target Brand leather pants.
L: Ari! Do not tell E about my raging boner, he's one of the good ones!
A: Eric, Lloyd wants you to know that he is approaching the point of ejaculatory inevitability.
L: Ari!
E: That's great, Ari, look Vince is in a good mood right now and I think now is a good time to get him to sign on to a blockbuster type. You got any scripts in mind?
A: What, is he all pumped up from the QB DVD scratch coming his way?
E: Yeah, he is, you know about that all ready?
A: Of course I know about that, Eric, you stupid faggot.
L: Ari Gold!
A: Sorry, Lloyd!
E: Look Ari, You got anything or not.
A: Eric, please, of course I have the perfect script. I am the Master of all Scripts you little yeast infection. Ready for this: Thundercats, the Movie.
E: What, the kid's cartoon?
A: You bet your your sweet Cheetara licking ass, its Thundercats fucking ho, baby! You think Transformers the movie was a fluke? All those nerds who grew up in the 80's now have big bucks to spend on their childhood memories, only now they don't want some 2-bit cartoon animated by some Korean sweat shop, they want to see live action summer blockbusters that have multi-million dollar sponsorships from Chevrolet and Kibbles and Bits and whoever the fuck else the studios shake down. And those blockbusters make enough cash to keep Shia Le Bouf knee deep in underage pink for years.
E: OK, I'm sold, but do you think Vince will want to do a live-action cartoon?
A: That's not my job, limp dick, that's yours, now get it done.
Eric hangs up and the action cuts to Turtle and and Drama walking through a Best Buy.
D: OK Turtle, explain to me what we're doing here?
T: Calm down, Drama, I got a connection.
D: When you say connection, don't you just mean you figured out another way to scam some poor soul into giving you free stuff because you're associated with Vince?
T: Yeah, so?
D: So who is paying you this time?
T: All I have to do is say I'm going to get a picture of Vince holding this toy plastic guitar, and we get hooked up with an XBox 360, Guitar Hero III and a $500 gift certificate.
D: So Best Buy and Guitar Hero are giving you money? You are a cheap corporate whore, Turtle.
T: I'll suck the corporate teat all day, baby. Or once a week, anyway.
D: Clearly.
The scene shifts to Eric and Vince discussing the next movie at lunch.
V: I don't why see why you want to do another movie right now, E, I told you, we have plenty of money.
E: That doesn't mean you have to stop making movies completely, Vince. Now did you read the script, Ari gave us?
V: Yeah I read it, Lionel fights the evil Skeletor and saves the day.
E: Skeletor was He-Man, Vince. You didn't read it did you?
V: Allright, Eric, you got me, I didn't read it. I'm a little distracted, OK, I have a date with Sabrina tonight and I don't want anything keeping me from reaching my sexual peak.
E: Don't you mean you have a date with Christie?
Vince thinks. V: Yeah I guess I did. Well I like Christie better anyway. She's more sensual.
E: Jeez, Vince, you're just constantly having so much sex with so many fine women. You can't even keep all the different hot women who you are about to have sex with straight.
Vince chuckles. V: Yeah, I guess you're right. I am always having crazy mind-blowing passionate sex with different hot pieces of ass all the god damn time.
Scene cuts back to Drama's apartment where all the gang are rocking out to Guitar Hero like rock gods.
D: So bro, you bang that hot piece of ass?
Vince takes a huge bong hit, then answers he exhales. V: Yes Johnny, I did.
T: E, I know you didn't have sex last night. Even if you did have a girl all you'd do is cuddle like a little bitch, you fucking little bitch.
E: Fuck you bitch. I'm not a bitch. You're a bitch. All you do with your bitch ass self is jerk off like a bitch. Bitch. You bitch.
Drama finishes a sweet guitar solo. D: Hey, bros, calm done. You're going to be moving out soon and I think we all need to smoke some more bud and realize how sweet we are.
T: I'll fuckin smoke to that!
Everyone together: SWEEEEEEEET BROOOOOS!!!!!!!
End episode 1
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