Monday, July 9, 2007

It is high! It is far! It is... caught by the rightfielder!

Ladies and gentlemen, the All-Star break is upon us! Mr. Bellows has already done a lovely job expressing his disdain for Tony LaRussa's selections for the actual game, but the All-Star Game is always a turgid heap of cow penises anyway. Though I'm devastated that Julio Franco was snubbed from the home run derby, there's no doubt that it's still the marquee event of this, one of the most boring sporting days of each year. So allow me, if you will kind reader, to handicap the proceedings.

Side note: I'll probably just watch my time-shifted episode of Man vs. Wild instead.

Our contestants are: Justin Morneau (fake MVP), Vlad Guerrerro, Magglio Ordonez (apparently in the contest because he has a high batting average), Ryan Howard (the once and future king - is it okay to say good things about a Phillies player on a Mets blog?), Prince Fielder (obvious fan favorite because he is young and fat), and two late additions; Albert Pujols (no home runs in his last 5334 at bats), and Alex Rios.

A cursory glance would suggest that Howard and Fielder will duel to the death. Howard comes into the competition on a hot streak, and he has the moxie one would expect from a champion derbyite. In my air-tight expert opinion, Howard will be in the finals again. But Fielder, entering the competition in this, his super-duper breakout year, hopes to be this year's Howard (assuming he actually cares about winning a home run derby). I'm feeling a first round explosion followed by a second round dud from Fielder, who happens to be my second favorite man named Prince.

Justin Morneau will make the finals, only to fall to Howard in the end. Morneau, despite my dig at him up there in the first paragraph is having an incredible season, with a VORP of 52 and an EqA of .311. I haven't checked how either of those numbers compares to everybody else in the derby, but since I'm now a part of the baseball "blogosphere" I feel compelled to mention them. He also hit 3 home runs yesterday... that has to count for something.

Those of you actually watching will have to withstand several terrible "Island of Dr. Morneau" jokes from Chris Berman. I'll be watching Bear Grylls cook a zebra heart with his shoelace though, so I won't have that problem.

I bid you adieu for now, loyal readers! And when everything I just wrote turns out to be horrifically wrong tomorrow morning, I will push it down the main page with a mellifluous box of blog goodness; a review of ESPN's television megaevent, Bronx is Burning!

18 comments:

Rory B. Bellows said...

So...uhhh...we now have shirtless pictures of Bear Grylls and Prince (TAFKAP? TACKAP??) on nearly subsequent posts.

WELL PLAYED, Adebisi...

Rory B. Bellows said...

Also, the title of this post should really be, "It is high, it is far, it is...caught by some little kid whose Dad paid an incredible amount to get him on the field during the HR derby."

Simon Adebisi said...

I also mentioned cow penises and zebra hearts in the same post. That's gotta count for something.

Anonymous said...

This post should be called " I Have Absolutely No Idea What the Fuck it is That I am Talking About". Nice predictions, you sound about as smart as Berman.

Mr Tuttle said...

This blog has just taken a giant step backwards. On the bright side, this new blogger's work should help attract the Jews and Faggots demographic.

Anonymous said...

Isn't that the Mets' only demographic?

Ken Dynamo said...

it seems we have struck a chord with some of our readers. perhaps mr tuttle would like to expand on his critique, and perhaps explain what the aforementioned demographic has to do with anything?

Mr Tuttle said...

It's quite simple Ken Dynamo. Only Jews and Faggots like the Mets.

Ken Dynamo said...

lame - you didnt expand on anything. im guessing your referring to some dumb inside joke from some hack comedian like jim norton, who can only craft punchlines that involve some equally bigoted reference and whose repertoire lies soley in shock value and is comepltely talentless otherwise. an abysmal failure by tuttle to back up his tough talk with substance. go back to playground with that amatuer hour son.

Mr Tuttle said...

Ken Dynamo = Jews/Faggots lover. Gross. And we haven't even gotten into the Mets love for awful, filthy wops on their team and in their stands. Their mascot should be John Franco with his disgusting dago mustache.

Ken Dynamo said...

...sigh... once again you shirk from the opportunity to prove youself as anything but an hack rabble rouser. youre more hack than a smoker with emphysema. i guess we should expect that from a san diego padres fan who eat dogs.

Mr Tuttle said...

There's nothing more hack than disapproving of racial humor. Speaking of hack, using awful similes is hack. See above's "youre more hack than a smoker with emphysema" for reference.

Frot Hammer said...

I am not sure what you would like Mr. Tuttle to prove? Do you need some type of study showing that all the fans at Shea are either adjusting their yamakas to keep the sun off their heads or cutting holes in the bottom of their popcorns buckets so their boyfriends can jerk them off through said hole? Aren't you going to a game in few weeks? You should be able to see then.

Ken Dynamo said...

your grasp of similies sucks like the river tide. you call that racial humor? what was the joke? again, lame - just mentioning racial slurs is about as clever as as a conversation with the giles brothers. i might've approve of your racial humor is it wasnt so pathetic. and since when do people get buckets of popcorn at the ballpark? feel free to post again when you children can think of something actually interesting to say.

lindsay lohan said...

oh yeah, because predicting homerun derbies based on player's VORP is interesting at all. If that is what this blog considers interesting you are proving mr. tuttle's point for him

Rory B. Bellows said...

It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.

Rory B. Bellows said...

Figured I'd class this thread up a bit with some Teddy R. A straight non-Jewish person if ever there was one!

Ken Dynamo said...

those who can't; teach. those who can't teach; start flame wars on the innernets.