Ladies and gentlemen, the All-Star break is upon us! Mr. Bellows has already done a lovely job expressing his disdain for Tony LaRussa's selections for the actual game, but the All-Star Game is always a turgid heap of cow penises anyway. Though I'm devastated that Julio Franco was snubbed from the home run derby, there's no doubt that it's still the marquee event of this, one of the most boring sporting days of each year. So allow me, if you will kind reader, to handicap the proceedings.
Side note: I'll probably just watch my time-shifted episode of Man vs. Wild instead.
Our contestants are: Justin Morneau (fake MVP), Vlad Guerrerro, Magglio Ordonez (apparently in the contest because he has a high batting average), Ryan Howard (the once and future king - is it okay to say good things about a Phillies player on a Mets blog?), Prince Fielder (obvious fan favorite because he is young and fat), and two late additions; Albert Pujols (no home runs in his last 5334 at bats), and Alex Rios.
A cursory glance would suggest that Howard and Fielder will duel to the death. Howard comes into the competition on a hot streak, and he has the moxie one would expect from a champion derbyite. In my air-tight expert opinion, Howard will be in the finals again. But Fielder, entering the competition in this, his super-duper breakout year, hopes to be this year's Howard (assuming he actually cares about winning a home run derby). I'm feeling a first round explosion followed by a second round dud from Fielder, who happens to be my second favorite man named Prince.
Justin Morneau will make the finals, only to fall to Howard in the end. Morneau, despite my dig at him up there in the first paragraph is having an incredible season, with a VORP of 52 and an EqA of .311. I haven't checked how either of those numbers compares to everybody else in the derby, but since I'm now a part of the baseball "blogosphere" I feel compelled to mention them. He also hit 3 home runs yesterday... that has to count for something.
Those of you actually watching will have to withstand several terrible "Island of Dr. Morneau" jokes from Chris Berman. I'll be watching Bear Grylls cook a zebra heart with his shoelace though, so I won't have that problem.
I bid you adieu for now, loyal readers! And when everything I just wrote turns out to be horrifically wrong tomorrow morning, I will push it down the main page with a mellifluous box of blog goodness; a review of ESPN's television megaevent, Bronx is Burning!