Monday, June 9, 2008

Oh gross

It's tough to know where to start after a 4 game series sweep by the formerly league worst San Diego Jagoffs. It's pretty clear that the offense collectively deserves a big stinkfist for the first 3 losses of the series. Billy 'Richard' Wagner is the obvious boner for game the fourth.

But nobody really reads this blog for recaps or analysis so lets skip ahead to the coping with our impotent rage. Normally I would now post some awesome metal video from youtube but that would seem even more impotent than usual given the enormous scale of our latest suck-shit-ass-party. Instead I found this awful song by Cannibal Corpse called 'I Will Kill You'. According one critic 'If vomit were a movie, this would be the soundtrack'. What do you think?

I don't listen to Cannibal Corpse because their music is about as interesting as listening to a garbage disposal, but I think it's an appropriate expression of seething anger in the face of utter hopelessness. Kind of like the 1992 L.A. Riots (right? you see the similarities?).

Cannibal Corpse' magnus opus segues nicely into the other topic I wanted to write about today: my desire to kill John Smoltz. I won't of course (I am too fair and fragile for prison), but that doesn't change my genuine desire to personally end John Smoltz life.

A lot of people will say, 'hey, Smoltz is a good guy, man. he plays the game right. He's sure-fire first ballot hall of famer. chill out dude.'

Too which I would reply, 'No one fucks over my fantasy team and gets away with it. Prepare to taste cold steel, you bearded slut.'

I also wish bad things to happen to John Smoltz that I do not personally initiate. I'm thinking something along the lines of what happens to the narrator is Chuck Palahniuk's short story, 'Guts'. Never read it? You can check it out here. It's good but long, so I'll skip to the dramatic conclusion: the main character masturbates in a pool with his asshole up against the pool's circulation pump. The pump then pulls his intestines out his butt hole while he's jagging off.

Man, that shit is gross.

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