Tuesday, November 25, 2008

GMDB JUMPS UP YOUR BUTT: Chase Utley is going to hell when he dies

Injuries to all stars are always big news, which is why it's no surprise that Chase Utley's recent trip to the operating table was reporting in many a Mets blogs. This makes sense, considering the Phillies' WS title and past 2 division title have recently supplanted the Braves as P.E. #1 in many Met's fans eyes. Fine, I'm never dropping the Braves hate, but at the same time, I would like the attitudes for discussing this injury to change a bit. I'm talking about baseball fans' informal taboo against rooting for rival team's players to get injured.

Maybe it's baseball's, wimpy, pastoral nature, but what the hell is the big deal about rooting for famous millionaire's to suffer non-career threatening injuries? They're still rich, they still have sweet lives. Fuck 'em. They'll get better and then they'll be back to having way sweeter lives than you and hitting HRs against the Mets in no time. Why can't I enjoy their misery for now?

I know there are plenty of people out there that secretly do, but it seems whenever some sweet ass injury to some jagov like Chipper Jones comes up, all the blog commentors rush to see who can be first to claim the high moral ground of "you never root for a guy to injured..." well F that in A, not me. I am actively rooting for players to suffer injuries and not play. I want the Braves to be totally shitty and if that means Brian McCann has to spend a few weeks taking antibiotics because of a staph infection, then good. As they say, "no sweat off my sack, bro."

So anyway, Sorry for your injury, Utley, but actually not sorry. I don't hope you ACTUALLY die but other than that, fuck you and fuck your success.

Alcoholic storytime
I knew a real drunk in college who I'll just call V-Beers for the sake of the story, because, well, that's what everyone called him.

V-beers had a tremendous thirst for beers, usually either Icehouse ot Natty Light. He's the type of guy who would go out drinking and wake up face down in the snow outside his house, his life saved from hypothermia only by the high level of alcohol in his blood at the time.

Anyway, one day V-Beers ran for president of the fraternity. This was a horrible idea but the president gets free rent int he house and cable as well. So when V-Beers didn't win he got pissed and locked himself in his room. I think we tried to check on him or something but there wasn't a lot of what you'd call empathy among the collection of assholes our fraternity assembled. So no one had heard from him for a few days until we get a call from some guy in the Sigma Chi house. It went like this:

"Hey you know this guy V-Beers? Yeah, well you you better come fucking pick him before he gets the shit kicked out of him."

Apparently V-Beers had snuck out of the fraternity with a bunch of beers and just spent the last week or so drinking and driving around town. Eventually he drove up the lawn of the Sigma Chis, walked into their house, gathered up all the text books lying around and started pissing all over them. I don't know why they didn't fucking rock V-Beers' face for that but when we did pick him he was no worse for the wear except for a slightly torn shirt that may or may not have happened after he started pissing on all the Sigma Chi's shit.

I guess the moral of this story is if you get the desire to go piss on a bunch of other people's shit, why not go to the Sigma Chi fraternity, as they are obviously a bunch of huge pussies.


What I'm sorbing for dinner
A Subway sandwich and... a Subway sandwich. And aybe also a Subway Sandwich. mmmm... big bready sandwiches with meat kept in trays with creepy lids.



NERDS NERDS NERDS NERDS
I waste a lot of time on Wikipedia, just farting around and looking up random crap. Some of my friends don't appreciate it so much and call me a dork because of it. One time I din't answer my friend JP's phone call so he wrote an email to a bunch of my friends saying I couldn't take his call because I was too busy looking up the history of the bagel on Wikipedia. This is why I hate JP.

Anyway, being a wikiphile probably does make a me a big dork but often it is useful in revealing come choice nuggets like this: "concluded the first official report to Her Majesty's government, 'it is impossible to imagine any human beings lower on the scale of civilization than are the Andaman savages.'"

Obviously I immediately thought about the Braves when I read that.

Celebrity Guest Star Sabremetrical Analysis: Jeffery Jones
"So far this semester he has been absent nine times. NINE TIMES. Congratulations to Carlos Beltran for winning the 2008 Feilding Bible Award for CF. Carlos Beltran you truely are totally awesome."

Tales from the Bad MS Paint Crypt.
Club Beer Party is dumb ass names my friends started calling the occasions where we play a bunch of beruit and get drunk for no reason. It's pretty dope. And exclusive. So exclusive, in fact, that we have recently restricted membership to no one, including myself. When I was in it though, I killed some time one day and made this awesome Club Beer Party logo. Gnarly, no?


Obligatory something that is awesome about the Mets.
Butch Huskey is mountain of a man who will come to your house and eat your dinner.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves.
Speaking of Brian McCann, he has a disgustingly creepy flesh colored neck beard, a la Spencer Pratt. Shave off that filthy shit you savage.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade.
Mom and Dad Save the PlanetThere's really nothing I can do to explain this movie, except that the combination of Jeffery Jones and Jon Lovitz is a joy for all of society to treasure. There are a couple good bits in the movie, like the 'Light Grenade' and Kathy Ireland in her prime, but yeah, it's pretty fucking awful. But it was on a lot so I fucking watched it so fuck off.

Fantasy Baseball Advice
Michael Young is a piece of horseshit. Never draft or trade for him. Uh, yeah that's it. Yeah this topic totally sucks.

Stupid Baseball Tradition that sucks and should just shut up and go to hell
Tim McCarver being employed. He is a real piece of god awful orange hair dying piece of shit. He makes Joe Morgan look like a Rhodes Scholar. How he is still employed can only be the result of some sort of powerful yet unknown inertia, perhaps like the dark matter that keep the universe expanding away from itself.

If firing Tim McCarver means reversing this process and having the cosmos collapsing upon itself and ending the entire space-time continuum, I think it's definitely be an option worth considering.

Mets related website that rocks it out like a champion
My Summer Family. This is run but super cool blogatrix The Coop, who likes to curse and hate on other teams. Sounds good to me!

Non Mets website that doesn't exactly make we want to barf my guts out
Bad Braves Fan. Despite not making new posts since March, we still get some site traffic directed our way from Grimey's links to GMDB. Also Grimey is a pretty funny dude, despite his disgusting proclivities for baseball times from Atlanta.

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women
I see no sooner did I publish Jumps up Your Butt's first iteration did BDD steal my idea of using tool as a kick ass video. And so out of spite, I'm picking tool, AGAIN. also because tool is the fucking tits and I've set my itunes to play nothing but tool for the last 3 weeks or so. (The 'rare magical homeless dago' in the Deadspin post was a great line though. I can see Big Pud picking that as his new profession in a couple years).

So this week it's Hooker with a Penis.



A song about some fan being mad a tool for selling out, and MJK telling this fan to go fuck himself with a coat rack. Once I became a successful television sit come writer, I'm going to try and sneak tool lyrics into the shows whenever possible. So like when it comes time for the annoying old dad to impart some lesson on the dumb ass son he'll say "Well, now, I've got some AD-vice for you little buddy." And then millions of Americans will have been subliminally urged to go listen to a song called Hooker with a Penis. TOUCHDOWN KEN DYNAMO.

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties



Aly and AJ's Potential Break Up Song is a fun little pop ditty by two pretty hot though probably underage chicks. I went to go look up their ages on wikipedia (obviously), and what do I find out but that they are home schooled and don't believe in evolution.

I can't think of anything more boner killing than Creationlist ideology.

I was in a seminar in college with a super hot chick and when the topic of evolution came up this dumb bitch couldn't help herself but to proclaim to the entire class "Well you all know that with recent advances in science that the theory of evolution will be BLOWN OUT OF THE WATER SOON." The emphasis is mine but this is exactly what she said. She really wanted us to know the 'truth' too. If only we ignorant lost souls would keep up with the science journals, we too would be enlightened as too how Darwin was a fraud.

Bottom line, if you think the earth is 6,000 years old or less you should be euthanized. Fucking savages.

Major Boobage
Yeah I won't lie, this is just a link to meat spinners. Maybe one day I'll actually link to some hot tits but I just love a good meat spinner joke. My favorite is sending out the one cell phone locater bit to a bunch of friends one of them simply responded "You know you can just go right to meatspin[dot]com right?" Revolting.

Robocop made up quote of the week
"As he my old coach would say it: everywhere there are they, the blind squirrels, nutting on each other."

Well, I hope you enjoyed round 2. It took longer to to post than I wanted but it is a holiday week so tough titties. Also I really don't feel like proofreading so I'm afraid there are bound to be some atrocious typos herein. WELL OK THEN BYE.

5 comments:

The Turzman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Turzman said...

Gotta disagree about McGarver. I admit, he's no Joe Morgan, but he's not half as annoying as that dimwit Joe Buck. And we get the pleasure of hearing him do football after baseball's over. Fuck FOX, FOX sucks.

Ken Dynamo said...

no worries, we can both agree that joe buck sucks a world of nut. what a fuckin cheeseball he is.

Shea Stadium said...

hey ken--remember when said v-beers would wear 5 shirts and only have taco bell meals. college--those were the days

Philly Sucks said...

Butch Huskey, eh? I recall having a 1997 Mets "Record Breakers" Cup with Huskey, Gilkey, J Franks, and Toddy too Hottie Hundley on it. I don't remember why Huskey was on there, maybe he wasn't and I'm misremembering like that fuck Rocket Queen.