Tuesday, November 18, 2008

GMDB Jumps up Your Butt: Foil-Embossed Hologrammed Glow-in-the-Dark First Issue Collector's Item

When trying to think of a good format for GMDB's reboot, I thought to myself, say, why don't I just rip off Big Daddy's Drew's Dick Joke Jambaroo? He's funny, people enjoy his work, and like Big Daddy Drew, I also enjoy sports, alcohol, music and naked boobs.

Then I thought, you know what, that wouldn't be me ripping BDD off, that be me ripping MYSELF off. Case in point, one of BDD latest jokes about excessive drinking where he says: hey, if 15 drinks makes me feel this awesome, then OF COURSE another 5 beers beers can only make me feel that much MORE awesome! How can me writing that be ripping BDD off when I've already been saying that for years? MOREOVER ITS NOT A JOKE IT IS TRUE.

So if some of this shit looks familiar to something you've seen before but massively less funny, its because I'm copying the Jambaroo format and then making the same pathetic jokes I have been making my whole life that just happen to sound like pale imitations of jokes you've already heard on KSK multiple times. Though one thing you won't hear from me are any of the Father Knows Shit jokes that BDD makes about his family. Fuck that, why would you get married, dude? Having a wife is so gay. Queer.

Anyway, just so you don't feel like your getting totally gypped in the opening rant, here is something totally new that I made up myself and if anyone says otherwise they are a rotten lying sack of dogshit. It's an idea for a new show on TLC. It involves two clowns who use invitro twice and end up with 8 fuckin kids. Then then exploit their children by shoving them in front of cameras all day for some terrible TV show, only to see it end in tragedy when their minivan full of offspring gets hit by a bus. It's called Jon and Kate Plus 8 Minus 3.

Alcoholic Storytime
So when I moved into my first apartment after graduating college and was finally completely unfettered from the shackles of parental dependence, I was overcome with the near limitless possibilities of ways to completely waste money when my financial resources were being held accountable to no one but myself. Combining that and a high speed internet connection meant it was clearly only a matter of time before I got drunk and subscribed to a bunch of internet prono sites.

Now I did this a few times only to cancel the next day out of regret before I finally did this while completely blacked out. It wasn't until I looked at my monthly credit card bill that I realized I was being charged $20 a month for something called ccbill.com. Luckily that charge also came with a toll free number so I called up with the intention of canceling whatever perverted shit it was I had signed up for. Once I got an operator on the line the conversation went more or less like this:

Me: Yes I'd like to cancel whatever it is I'm getting billed every month for. Can I give you my credit card number so you can look me up?
Operator: Certainly, if you can just tell me your username and password.
Me: Sorry I have no idea what those are. I have my credit card number that's getting charged, though, can I give you that now?
Operator: Well if you just give me your user name and password I can look up your whole account for you.
Me: No you see I don't know what those are but I have my credit card bill with this unknown charges on it and I'd like to have it stopped. So... how about I give you that credit card number, now?
Operator: Ok well if you can look up your user name and...
Operator: Right, well I've been able to look up your account based on that information. Now, How can I help Mr. Sorb?
Me: What?
Operator: Your account was activated by a Mr. Sorb, actually it is... Sorb Sorb. First name and last. So how may I help you Sorb Sorb?
Operator: Allright, your account has been terminated Sorb S-

And I've been sorbing up pornography ever since. The End.

What I'm sorbing for dinner
Most likely a microwaved Chef Boyardee lasagna is a heavy cheese sauce, complimented by several handfuls of frozen peas, topped off by a leftover bag of Sunchips purchased 3 days ago at Subway. Bone appetit!

Battlestar Galactica is one of the top 5 dramas ever to be broadcast on TV, (along with The Wire, Deadwood, Sopranos and Mad Men - no other opinions appreciated thank you that will be all), but will never get it's due because it has the name Battlestar Galactica and it involves spaceships. THAT IS RACIST. YOURE ALL A BUNCH OF GOD DAMN RACISTS. Frack all y'all bitches.

Celebrity Guest Star Sabermetrical Analysis: Featuring James Vanderbeek!
"I don't want.... YER LIFE! Futhermore, despite several sportswriter's sentimentalities and protean definition of 'valuable', Albert Pujols' 66 POINT advantage in OPS+ over Ryan Howard precludes any other argument to the contrary that Pujols should be this year's NL MVP. For once, conventional wisdom by the BWAA aligned with that of the sabremetrical community. Kudos, gentlemen."

Tales from The Bad MS Paint Job Crypt.
This one is from the GMDB vault since I've already spent way too long on this post and haven't the strength to make a new one, even though they obviously only take like 5 minutes. Hey Ryan Howard, Pujols just screwed you in the pooholes! Tee hee.
Obligatory something that is awesome about the Mets.
John Franco had lazy boy recliner installed next to his locker just to make fun of Barry Bonds for doing the same.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves.
Up until 2003, Atlanta had a law on the books prohibiting inter racial marriage.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade.
You think Andrew Stephens and Shannon Tweed ever got sick of all the simulated sex they had to have? All that grindage and no release. Kind of like dance parties in high school (who didn't see that punchline coming?)

Fantasy Baseball Advice
I don't have any, I totally suck at fantasy baseball. What a terrible category I chose to comment on. Here's my advice: play in a league that has very strict waiver wire rules so you don't miss out on picking up every good player because some asshole carries his laptop around everywhere and gets fantasy alerts texted to his phone. Who does that shit, anyway? Buttcakes, that's who.

Stupid Baseball Tradition that sucks and should just shut up and go to hell
Most traditions of any sort are stupid and serve no discernible purpose. Baseball is no exception as it's chock full of dumb traditions that serves no purpose other than to give Bob Costas something annoying to complain about. Here's one I would get rid of: Managers in uniforms.

How humiliating for those old fat geezers? Even more ridiculous is when they wear the dugout jackets and then walk around in those tight ass game pants. The managers are also usually the last people on the team to still wear stirrups. Please, for chrissakes, let these fat old men dress like their age for once.

Mets related website that rocks it out like a champion
It's no secret that I have a raging mega-huge blogger boner for Amazin Avenue. Half of the stuff I write about (ok, like 90 percent) comes from a link that E-rock Cymon found first. You are my favorite, Amazin Avenue, forever and always. Hey, maybe for Valentine's day I'll just dress up Amazing Avenue like a girl and take it out to dinner. I think we'll go to Hunan #1. Then later I can share my duck sauce with it. Wow, this went South in a hurry. Sorry, but there's no changing it now, that would be against GMDB strict no-proofreading policy. Deal with it.

Non Mets website that doesn't exactly make we want to barf my guts out
I don't know how many more of these kind of websites I'll be able to uncover but I wanted to give a shout out to The Fightins, they who gave us the video of the little rioting Philly girl. I started reading more of that blog and couldn't really find anything that made me totally want to vomit my brains out in disgust. Way to go dudes. Now if only these powers of yours could somehow be harnessed for the forces of good and righteousness.

Random 2009 Team Preview: The Atlanta Braves

The Braves new GM, Frank Wren is going to have his work cut out for him this offseason when trying to fill some major holes the Braves have both in their starting rotation and in their outfield.

After exhausting all potential internal options, look for Wren and the Braves to hire some sort of voodoo priest to scour German cemeteries in an effort to reanimate the corpses of dead Nazi commanders to fit in with their organizational tradition of employing genocidal zombie cannibals. If that fails, Wren has stated that his will examine the rolls of all registered sex offenders in the greater Atlanta metro area.

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women: Tool Vicarious

How's this for some dominant lyrics?
Blood like rain, come down
Drum on grave and ground

Now that is a touchdown.

The rest of the lyrics kick it up your ass too. Lead guitarist Adam Jones also said that the time signature of this song is something like 8.5/6. Tool, please be welcomed as planet Earth's deserving new supreme overlords.

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties: Le Click Call Me

Is there a more homoerotic scene then 30 some high school football players changing into thier jocks, girdles and tight tight pants while all singing along to this mid 90's dance hall classic? Why yes, when one of them gets up on a bench and yells "Hey everyone, check out my nuts!" Not that I know anything about such a thing ever happening.

Major Boobage
I know everyone here knows how to look up that sweet sweet pr0n on the internets, but I've uncovered a rare gem here that I doubt you've ever seen before. Obviously beware that it is definitely not safe for work, but on the other hand, maybe you're going to lose your job in the economic vortex of misery we currently experiencing, so you probably owe it to yourself to click through, anyway. Behold.

Robocop made up quote of the week

"My friends used to call me, Murphy, but now, I too shall be the one who is called Dick Titties."

Well, that's it for now. Who knows how long I'll keep up this program but I think it at least has some potential. Potential to totally suck a fat peenus! OH BURN.


Mr Lomez said...

Wait, you're not BDD? Seriously? I thought i had it all figured out.

Philly Sucks said...

Fuckin A Dynamo, you just out grossed me with cumfart tsunami. Which means I loved it. Gotta disagree with you on tradition though, and patriotism. Why? Because both give us mere mortals unlimited license to act as fucking stupid as possible, and if that isn't true freedom, what is? National holidays to get drunk and drive? Fuck Yeah! National Holidays from the Olde Countree to get drunk and drive? Fuck yeah. Thanksgiving? Oh you better believe fuck yeah!!!

I want a new tradition though, flay Cole Hamels the fuck alive day. I fucking hate that Tool-bag.

Ken Dynamo said...

im up for some DUI on national flay Cole Hamels the fuck alive day