Tuesday, April 17, 2007

My Friend's Jay Mariotti Story

There is no way of verifying this story and it is a little off topic but I still think it needs to be told.

This past weekend, one of my friends from college, Mr. Spluge (not exactly his real name), was in town, DC, for one of his friends’ bachelor party. After getting good and sloshed at one of Washington’s finest gentleman’s club Saturday evening, Spluge retired to his swank DuPont hotel, which, apparently, was also the preferred lodging for sports journalist and TV personality Jay Mariotti, presumably in town for the Bulls v. ‘Zards matchup.

Spluge recounts his lobby rendezvous with Mariotti thusly:

Spluge: Hey you're that ESPN guy.

Mariotti: No, that's not me. Nope. Definitely not that guy.

S: Yeah its you, I can tell. Don't lie to me, you're definitely that guy on around the horn.

M: Yeah whatever.

S: Man, you look wasted. Are you sure ESPN would approve of this Michael Irvin-esque level of intoxication?

M: Yeah cause you look REAL sober yourself.

S: Man you're just as big of a dick in person as you are on TV.

M: Look at your hat, it says LSU. You're never going to accomplish anything in life. Everyone from down there are idiots and it’s a terrible school.

At that point our equally sloshed friend ‘Fat Andy’ decided he has heard enough and stepped menacingly toward Jay and warned, “Don't fucking talk shit to my friend.”

Mariotti wisely turned tail and fled “like a little girl.” I would too, Fat Andy’s appearance is not unlike that of Mustard Man (see below).

Spluge’s calls of "ESPN Man, come back!” went unanswered

I admit, without pics the whole tale is a bit dubious, but Spluge is as big a sports fan as they come and would defintiley recognize Mariotti. And can’t you just picture this all going down like so? (Spluge is a guy, by the way, who earlier that weekend was forced to weather a furious admonishment from an irate cab driver after he had given the driver $20 bucks on a 12 dollar fare and told him to ‘keep the change, you filthy animal’).

And just because I took the time to make this insanely clever and hilarious Photoshops/MSPaint of my friend Spluge, I’ll post here in lieu of pics from the Mariotti incident.


Anonymous said...

Spluge went to JP's on Friday night, not Saturday night you dumbass. Typical of the terrible reporting on this blog.

Anonymous said...

Mariotti is a chode. That's why i love him so much.

Anonymous said...

the braves dont suck, you suck!

Rory B. Bellows said...

That's a helluva story, which I choose to believe. And... in the words of the immortal Stewart Gilligan Griffin, "Oh, what a surprise, a gay joke."

Ken Dynamo said...

clearly the cock Spluge is saying he tasted refers to a male hen, or rooster. it's funny because who ever heard of a rooster that big before?

t said...

I don't know anything more about Mariotti than the next guy, but if the guy is so petty that he is worried about his Wikipedia entry, it certainly seems plausible he could be such an ass. He definitely takes himself very seriously on ATH. I wouldn't be surprised if this was true.