Monday, August 27, 2007

More bigotry and incoherent rambling by an Oriole fan guest blogger

MY DAY WITH THE METS
BY: rockyourface

When Ken Dynamo first approached him about contributing a guest post to this poor, poor excuse for a blog, rockyourface was reluctant for many reasons. First, to term this blog “second-rate” would be an insult to all of the blogs out there that are actually second-rate, in fact, fifth- or sixth-rate would probably be a more accurate portrayal of this blog’s rating. After all, hack jokes and poor MS Paint skills do not a good blog make. Since rockyourface’s blogging talents are well known throughout the blogosphere as first-rate, he figured a guest post on this blog to be beneath him. But then several things happened that changed his thinking on the subject. First, rockyourface heard that this David Beckman character was joining an MLS team, so rockyourface figured if a first-rate soccer player can join a fifth-rate soccer team, then, a first-rate blogger (that blogger being rockyourface) can contribute one measly guest post to a fifth-rate blog. Second, this blog was finally listed and linked to on Metsblog, how being listed on a site run by a bunch of sweaty Italian fruits constitutes some type of accomplishment is beyond rockyourface, but Ken assures rockyourface that this constitutes some type of accomplishment and recognition. Finally, rockyourface moved out from the house he was heterosexually cohabitating with Ken, leaving Ken alone with the awful Julius Page Highbland and his partner, Buzuercher. Feeling badly about this, rockyourface decided he would contribute a guest post to help out this blog.

rockyourface’s hatred for Mets dates all the way back to 1969, when the Mets defeated his beloved Orioles in the World Series. Although not alive at this time, this defeat scarred rockyourface for your life, as it prevented the O’s from being able to fly a 1969 World Series pennant. The being said, rockyourface dutifully tuned in to watch the Mets and Dodgers game this past Saturday. The game came on at 1 am Sunday morning, which rockyourface found a little odd, but chalking it up to the time difference, he proceeded with watching the game. The game started out poorly for the Dodgers, with their pitcher, an overweight and seemingly drunk guy named Artie DeVanzo unable to find the strike zone. rockyourface later found out that the Dodgers’ scheduled starter, Dirt, had died on the field during infield practice the day before. There also seemed to be a large amount of hostility between DeVanzo and Met’s captain, Dennis Mangnelli and a large amount of trash talking ensued between the two. This made the game somewhat more enjoyable for rockyourface. DeVanzo’s inability to throw strikes, coupled with his team’s awful defensive support, allowed the Mets to jump out to a 10-0 lead through 8 and a half innings. Particularly at fault for the defensive miscues was the Dodger’s second baseman, Maz, who bore a striking resemblance to the Karate Kid.

With two outs in the bottom of the ninth, DeVanzo came up to bat against his arch nemesis, Mangenelli. As DeVanzo was stepping to the plate, a somewhat attractive woman called out to DeVanzo from the first row of seats behind home plate. DeVanzo called time and walked over to the woman and began conversing with her, it appeared from the audio feed that DeVanzo and the woman had previously been romantically involved. As DeVanzo was walking back to the batter’s box, the television audience heard Mangenelli call out to the woman “Hey, Linda, after the game, how ‘bout yous meet me in my office?” insinuating that they would then engage in coitus. Linda replied to this offer by calling Mangenelli “needle dick”. Back in the batter’s box, DeVanzo then called Mangenelli “needle dick” several times. This seemed to unnerve Mangenelli as he then gave up a homerun to DeVanzo, the first homerun hit in the stadium since the 1940’s, announcer Tim McCarver informed the audience. As he was rounding the bases, several of the Mets’ infielders slapped five with DeVanzo, showing a large amount of good sportsmanship.

As he was heading to the dugout, DeVanzo met with the rest of the Dodgers and exhorted them that they could still win the game, reminding them of how they hit four homeruns in a row against the Padres last year to send the game to extra innings where they then won. rockyourface thought this was a nice speech, but would amount to nothing, so the Dodgers had been impotent at the plate all evening. What rockyourface did not count on was Mangenelli then pissing the bed like Mr. Dynamo on a Friday night. The Dodgers reeled off 5 more runs to make the score 10-6 and had the bases loaded when DeVanzo stepped to the plate again. Mangenelli called for the Mets to employ the “DeVanzo Shift”, in which all of the field players, except for the first baseman moved to the left side of the field. DeVanzo responded by called Mangenelli “needle dick” again and then hitting a rope to right field. All of the base runners scored as DeVanzo lumbered around the bases as the Mets chased down the ball in right field. The throw home squirted away from the Met’s fat wop of a catcher, who chased down the ball and flipped it to Needle Dick, who was covering home. DeVanzo ploughed into Needle Dick who held onto the ball for the final out. The Mets won 10-9.

At this point, thinking the game over, rockyourface prepared to go to bed/commence self takedown, but then he saw that the Mets were being awarded a large trophy. Intrigued, rockyourface made his way back to in front of the television. DeVanzo yelled at Linda to get her car and then ran up, stole the trophy from the Mets and raced to Linda’s car with it. The two then drove off, leaving the Mets trophy less, much like the Cardinals did last year. Satisfied that the Mets were the ultimate losers in this episode, rockyourface then proceeded happily to his adult film.

THE END

4 comments:

Ken Dynamo said...

for the record - i have no fucking clue what rockyourface is talking about either.

rockyourface said...

Didn't you watch the Mets game on Saturday night/Sunday morning? How can you call yourself a fan? It was clearly a game for the ages.

Rory B. Bellows said...

Uhhh- RYF, I'm not even CLOSE to knowing what in the hell you're talking about. Also- if you don't know who David Wright is, you can get the f*ck out of my house!

Brian said...

"Sweaty Italian Fruits"?

I'm no Italian, but even I think he was mixing metaphors there.