Monday, January 7, 2008

Atlanta Barfs - Needs and Luxuries

MLBTR does a great feature called Needs and Luxuries. Recently they covered the Atlanta Barfbagbuttholes, and while normally Tim Dierkes does an excellent job, he kind of messes up this one. GMDB has graciously swooped in to correct.

C - Brian McCann't
1B - Mark Teixeira
2B - Kelly (Tiny) Johnson
SS - Yunel Escobarf
3B - Larry Jones
LF - Matt Di-ass/Brandon Jones
CF - Josh Anderson/Jordan Schaf'er I hardly even know 'er
RF - Jeff Francunt

SP - John Doltz
SP - Tim Pudson
SP - Chuck Gaymes
SP - Jair Jurrjens/Jo-Jo Reyes/Mike Hampton/Jeff Bennett

Setup - Peter Moylan
Closer - Rafael Soriano


The braves have a gapping hole in center field, but not as gaping of a hole as the one between Larry Jone's legs. All the youngsters the Braves have to play CF currently suck horrible ass, because they are Braves, and all Braves suck ass. They also have some dickhead named Jeffrey Braden Francouer playing left who is 23 and has a 100 OPS+ in 2 and a half seasons. Francouer will never be better than mediocre and his name means 'taint-licker' in French

Mike Cameron seems like a great fit for these Braves, because likes to cheat and probably molests boys.

Frank Wren's bullpen will most likely fall apart so you can just right that piece of shit off and realize it will suck again this year. Plus their starting lineup consists of 3 rejects from a lemon party, Chuck James and his destiny of ordinary and Natalie Holloway's murderer. But besides that I don't see any other needs for this team, except for 3rd base because I'm going to chop Larry Jones' fucking head off. They're in very good shape to continue their reign of 3rd place.


The Braves have a a lot of really smelly players who often shit themselves in between innings. However I would not go as far as to call of bunch of shit stained buttwipes a luxury because no one else wants a team full of turds. After giving up all their prospects to get Teixeira, I also probably would not look to trade for a veteran starter or center fielder and further damage the farm system. However, the Braves were good in the 90's though, so any player under 30 will still annoyingly get hyped as a legit star, even though they haven't produced a decent player since John Smoltz (McCann notwithstanding because I am going to one day murder him as well).

To sum it up, the entire team should jump in front of a fucking bus.

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