GMDB Paramilitary Xmas Special

This post was going to be about how the Easter Bunny contracted me to whack out Santa Claus but unfortunately somebody beat me to the job.

I do, however, have another personnel story for the yuletide that has nothing to do with Xmas but I'm telling it anyway.

So by now everyone has heard the story of how Greg Jones, DE for the Tampa Bay Bucuneers, was inspired by the Teen Wolf character to legally change his name to Stylez G. White.

This was especially awesome for me because I once met the athlete formerly known as Greg in High School. My dorky suburban school was hosting a wrestling tournament that included Stylez' alma mater, The Malcolm X Shabazz Audio and Visual TV Production High School and Career Academies in Newark, NJ. No I am not making that shit up.

Anyway, back in the stone age no one had cell phones in high school so everyone had to wait in line to use the 1 pay phone at my school. I needed to call home for some shit so pulled up next to the booth in our gym lobby to wait for an enormous black man to finish his convo. Dressed in MXS HS gold and black warm up gear (go dawgs!), I quickly noticed this fellow tourney entrant was in no hurry to finish his call. Eventually he turned to me and just started shooting the shit, asking me how I as doing, inspecting the report card I had on my hands for some reaso and relaying all this info to whoever he was talking to on the phone ("Damn, this dude's got like all A's and B's and shit. Hey, you must be some smart dude, huh? Shit.")

Eventually, Stylez goes "Oh shit, I think this dude is waiting to use the phone. Hey man, you waiting for this? Shit, my bad! Ha, and I was all checking out his report card and he's waitin to make a call! Ha ha!"

Stylez then hung up, said my bad again and I made my call. I watched him destoy a bunch of fatties in the heavyweight division during that tournament and then casually followed his career as he manhandled people on his way to a football scholarship to Minnesota. I didn't much keep up with things until I say this fascinating news item circulating the interwebs, which very much brightened my day.

So that's my Stylez, nee Greg, G. White story. What? I didn't say it was going to be any fucking good, did I?

In conclusion, if any family members try to use the holidays as an opportunity to confront you about your drinking problem, may I suggest the following course of action?

Happy fucking holidays, except to you stupid stupid Braves who can fuck off and celebrate X-mas in hell!

GMDB JUMPS UP YOUR BUTT: My famous balls of fame ballot

Even though Omar's got the hot stove burning like a crack pipe at the moment I'm still not going to pontificate on current events, (do you plotz for Putz? HAR HAR HAR). What I will do is steal a page from the Geezer Newspaper Reporters' Fieldbook and rant about the 2009 Hall of Fame Ballot. I will go down the list and award my yea or nay accordingly. I'll even include comments on each candidate as a bonus. Score! And I will do so this without doing any research or looking up any statistics whatsoever because: 1) stats are for nerds, not jocktackular studs like me 2) I'm fucking lazy, duh.

Ready? Touchdown!

Harold Baines: I will say no, because his name reminds me of Harold Reynolds and I hate Harold Reynolds. Mostly because I passed out while playing MLB2K3 or something and woke up to terrible voice over by Reynolds on some awful never ending loop. Pretty weak reason to exclude a guy from the Hall of Fame but tough bananas, Baines. My blog, my rules. Get fucked.

Jay Bell: No, but there is an awesome picture of Jay Bell checking some teammate's oil somewhere on the internet. If I can find it by the time I post I'll put it up so we can all enjoy a good laugh at the site of Jay Bell sticking his hand up another man's asshole. Oh whoops, that awesome pic was Jay Buhner, not Jay Bell. Well fuck that, not you're definitely not getting my vote motherfucker.
Bert Blyleven: Yes - please vote this Dutch piece of shit in so I don't have to read any more articles about how he deserves to be in. Besides, we should be rewarding the Dutch for giving us their fantastic ovens.

David Cone: No way asshole. That's what you get for abandoning the Mets and pitcing a no-hitter for someone else. I don't care if you if we traded you, it's still totally mibs. David Cone, I sentence you to narfle the garthog!

Andre Dawson: I am sayimg yes here, even though he probably doesn't deserve it. This vote is mostly for nostalgic purposes as my earliest baseball memories involved being pissed at the Cubs and Dawson during the 80's. I have a soft spot in my heart for the men of baseball who first taught me how to hate.

Ron Gant: I like Gant and can remember seeing him at the '92 all star game, the only ASG I've ever seen live, but I will still say no, because I'm pretty sure he fucking sucks.

Mark Grace: Fucking pussy. No.

Ricky Henderson: Cha! a-duh! If for no other reason than for going into the clubhouse to play cards during a playoff game after he was subbed out. What a fucking crazy person. He also played for minor league powerhouses the Newark Bears. Who fucking doesn't love Ricky? I can't wait for his acceptance speech to go up on Youtube. Over/under for 3rd person references to Ricky: 1000. At least.

Tommy John: I remember reading something like Tommy John shouldn't go into the HoF, but his doctor should, since the guy who came up with the revolutionary elbow surgery that bears John's name contributed more to the sport then any single player. Ok, fine with me, what the fuck do I care? Put the fucking doctor in the Hall. Great. Too bad the bookies killed Doctor Farthing anyway. So he's dead.
Don Mattingly: I don't hate Mattingly nearly as much as I hate fuckin Jeter, but I'm still saying no, in hopes that his exclusion to the Hall will piss off Yankee fans. Fuck the Yankees.

Mark McGwire: Abso-fucking-lutely. Arguments to the contrary revolving around his alleged steroid use are total bullshit. Who fucking cares if he roided? Everyone did. You were a fucking sucker if you didn't roid in the 90's. They didn't fucking test for the shit! Get this man in the Hall and get of your sanctimonious cloud you fucking dipshits.

Jack Morris: No, but with the caveat of yes if would insure him getting in so we can end the fucking debate between him and Bert fucking Blyleven.

Dale Murphy: This man was a Brave and not that awesome so, no. But then again, his fake signature did adorn my little league baseball glove so based on that rock solid credential, yes, of course his belongs in the hall. Those who disagree with me, suck cock by choice.
Jesse Orosco: Whaaaa? How is Jesse Orasco on the ballot. I love the guy but sorry buddy, this is a negatory. If if Orosco is on the ballot, why the fuck isn't super-scab union breaker all star Rick Reed? A travesty if there ever was one.
Dave Parker: I really don't know anything about this asshole so no.

Dan Pleasac: Ditto.

Tim Raines: This is the guy who's cocaine vile fell out of his pocket while stealing second or something, right? Yeah, that's what I thought. Of COURSE he gets my vote. A no brainer, really.

Jim Rice: You'd think I'd vote yes with the same reasoning as I used for Morris and Berto - but guess what, you'd wrong. Dead wrong, muthafucka. I personally don't give a poop if this butthead gets in or not, but because infuriating piece of shit Red Sox fans always flood any decent argument about this guy with a bunch of god damn bullshit, I will vote emphatically NO. BOSTON ASSHOLES: FUCK OFF AND DIE.

Lee Smith: Saves are US News and World Report college rankings of reliever statistics. Everyone checks them first to see how someone rates, but when you get down to it, they don't mean fuck all. No.

Alan Trammell: Uh.... Yes? There is probably a nuanced analytical argument' either for or against that guy but because I have important things to do (masterbate) I don't feel like looking it up so I will say yes because... uh... I dunno, go away, leave me alone!

Greg Vaugn: Are you fucking kidding me? I think this is one of those guys who gets put on the ballot just so he can be publicly embarrassed when the whole world sees that not a single voter thought he was worthy of the hall. Well that's mean! So not for nothing, but you got my vote. Congrats buddy.

Mo Vaugn: YES YOU FAT FUCK

Matt Williams: NO YOU BALD ASSHOLE

Well, that's the whole ballot. Maybe if I had some some extra space I'd write in some sweet ass retired Mets. Like Butch Huskey. Anyway, according to my calculations, I voted for 43.8% of the eligible candidates who each have a 24% change of being elected and I have a 138% chance of getting drunk tonight.

Speaking of...

Alcoholic storytime
Last Saturday I didn't feel like going to some fucking house party that hired security and had a guest list so I took a cab home to enjoy some rot gut rum and some Tool CDs in the comfy confines of the basement of my suburban home. The party for one didn't go so well as my stomach full of Miller Lite found something disagreeable with he 20 odd ounces of Aristocrat and orange juice I tried chugging. So I threw up all over my basement bathroom for the second time in my life. Not something I'm proud of mind you. In fact, I'm pretty sure I popped some blood vessels behind my eyes I was yakking so violently.

And that is why I am a champion.
What I'm sorbing for dinner
A Tombstone pizza. Holy shit those cheesy frisbees are like mana from heaven. They remain, to this day, the only reason I have ever used an oven in my entire life. I also like to cut Tombstones with a pair of scissors. You think you have a better way to cut a Tombstone? Well fuck you.

NERDS NERDS NERDS NERDS
I recently bought the first collection of Ultimate Spider-Man comics and I actually wish I wasn't enjoying it as much as I am. I mean it is really quite enjoyable. Siiiiiigh......

Celebrity Guest Star Sabremetrical Analysis: IRON MIKE TYSONI'm just a dark guy from a den of iniquity. A dark shadowy figure from the bowels of iniquity. I wish I could be Mike who gets an endorsement deal. But you can't make a lie and a truth go together. This country wasn't built on moral fiber. This country was built on rape, slavery, murder, degradation and affiliation with crime. Despite the insistence to the contrary by his agent, Scott Boras, Oliver Perez's performance in the last 5 years has been merely pedestrian and not Sandy Kofaxian, as evidenced by his 'Fielding Independant Pitching' stats. I just have this thing inside me that wants to eat and conquer. Maybe it's egotistical, but I have it in me. I don't want to be a tycoon. I just want to conquer people and their souls.

Tales from the Bad MS Paint Crypt
CALLIN IT QUITS
Obligatory player not on the Mets who'd I'd like to see walk in front of a fucking bus
Cole Hamels. I'd like to show this mulletted sonofabitch some choking. And I mean his throat, not his chicken.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves
Look at these sick pedophiles and the baby's penis they drew on Brian McCann's bat. If you're going to lust after peen, at least you go draw full grown man penis on the equipment of your fellow pederast, instead of little tiny boy penis. Disgusting.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade
Kid N' Play's Class Act.

Blade Brown and Duncan Pinderhaughes, a modern day Rosencrantz and Gildenstern if there ever was one. Er, two. Were two. Anyway, point is, this is some brillant dialouge right here:

Duncan: Did you hear me? I said that was stupid.
Blade : Did you hear me? I said, "Thanks."
Duncan : Are you deaf?
Blade : [misunderstood as "def"] Man, I'm the defest brotha on this block!
Duncan : YOU'RE deaf?
Blade : [still misunderstood as "def"] That's right.
Duncan : [turns head] I think Blade Brown is the biggest asshole on the planet.
[Blade smacks Duncan upside the head]
Duncan : Hey! You're not deaf!

Hah, get it? Words sometimes have more than one meaning!

Mets related website that rocks it out like a champion
It's Mets For Me.

Check this out, dude curses, puts up silly pictures, makes a lot o comments on Amazin Avenue. It's like we are simpatico. Awwww.

Non Mets website that doesn't exactly make we want to barf my guts out
The Internet is terrible.

Trust me, if you enjoy any of the sick or weird crap that I write about on this blog you will LOVE The Internet Is Terrible. I mean want to tongue kiss your monitor it is so good.

Random Team Preview: Philadelphia Phillies
It's going to be tough playing next year after I've summon a volcano to erupt from directly beneath your stadium, smothering your entire team and fan base in molten lava! Burn in hell you Phillie bastards.
(too lazy to make crappy MS Paint of volcano blowing up stupid Philadelphia, but you can imagine, right?)

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women
Incubus



They maybe lame-ish now and I haven't really heard anything from lately that made me want to run through a fuckin wall, but their first album S.C.I.E.N.C.E. is wholly bad ass. They were also bad asses at Ozzfest '98. That particular Ozzfest was amazing for featuring Megadeth, Tool and Ozzy on the main stage, and Snot, Incubus and System of a Down on the second stage. Pretty fucking amazing. Also amazing was that I wasn't drinking at that point. Least I remembered it though, right?

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties
N'Sync Dirty Pop



If you're into fruity techno, you'll probably recognize this song has a lot of similarities to most tracks produced by the legendary Brian Transeau, and that is because BT indeed produced this record. And so that is why I unabashedly jam out to this one Insnyc song (sorry, I mean, *NSYNC, you queer).

And no I don't know what this manga nonsense is all about but it's no less queer than the original unembeddable video I assure you.

Robocop made up quote of the week
What is it the problem, is it because I am he, a dickless cyborg?

So that wraps up our fourth up butt jumping, and I think we can go ahead and rule out any schedule I may try to force myself to adhere to from here on out. I would seriously like to post at regular intervals but as soon as I set a time frame I instantly start procrastinating and then it becomes a chore, and fuck chores, no one tells me when do do chores anymore. No one, or so help my I'll slice you right in half by the power of greyskull.
grrrrrrrrr.....

Hooray for Frank-Rod

so i'm going to be a little late with the jumping ups of the buttage again, so to tide us all over let's enjoy our Omar's signing of Krawd (I reject the K-Rod nickname, it's either Krawd or Frank-Rod for me) who I think looks like a sand person.

In other GMDB news, our South Korean corespondent Joe Vidosh, who sporadically posts as Shea Stadium, emailed me the SNL digital short 'Jizz In My Pants' saying it would be good to post. Well, everyone's already seen that shit and gotten sick of it by now so instead I'm going to post the other email Vidosh forwarded to me, originally from one of Joe's South Korean, um, friends.

I have affection for you forever.
I'd like to sacrifice for you with my everything without condition until death apart us.
I'm your rare expensive jewel.
you were lucky. our meeting was happened by the fate. even though it was in the market of one night stand, sex toy market.
my peppermint, kahula more gin vodka brandy
oh my cute hair band why tears in my eyes
no more sadness, you took my heart , oh baby

Holy shit, what a fucking disaster. Good luck with that Vidosh. And if you really want to see an awesome comedy clip with foul language than you should pay homage to the masters Bob and David.

GMDB JUMPS UP YOUR BUTT: Harris Smith is great man

Hey look at that. It only took me 3 weeks to blow my first self imposed deadline. Oh well, good think no one tell me what to do. DO YOU HEAR ME? NO ONE!!!

Anyway, Harris Smith is, of course, the fake name Plaxico Burress gave to the hospital at which he sought treatment for his self inflicted gun shot wound. The story is of course, both pathetic and hilarious. Plax goes to a club the Friday before game he is not playing in because of a hamstring injury and proceeds to drunkenly fumble the 40 cal glock he has tucked into his sweatpants (sweatpants!) while being escorted into the VIP section of a Manhattan club, non-seriously shooting through his thigh.

The NY tabloids obviously had a field day. This is the type of story that people at the Post pray for during a recession. Burress has also been eviscerated by blogs and mainstream media alike. Mayor Mike also had a few choice words for Fake Mr. Smith, imploring the NYP to 'throw the book at this deranged gun toting psychopath," or something like that.

All this is to be expected. What I find despicable and cowardly, however, is other Giants fan's readily giving up on our man Plax, calling him a disgrace, a selfish player and a club house cancer. That is complete horseshit. Plax is a grade a moron, no doubt, but not selfish. But of course, Gaints fans pride themselves on having a clean program, whatever the fuck that means in the pros. Fuck all that. If Plax could get the charges dropped on a technicality and be medically able to play this weekend, I would be all for it. Fuck your whiney moralizing and holier than thou bullshit you dipshit "fans". Plax is a part of the Giants family, and if you're so eager to cut and run when one of your family members makes a mistake than you are disgusting piece of shit, unfit for life.

Luckily, despite suspending him for the rest of the season, the Giants organization, from the players to the owners, see things my way and have been stonewalling the police. I don't have the link because I'm lazy but there was a great quote from the NYP investigator about how pissed off he was at the way no one in the Giants was giving him any information. Good, get fucked, pig. It's not like some innocent bystander got murdered. A dude accidentally fucking shot himself. BFG, now fuck off.

Finally, Harry Carson, also a great man and bona fide G-man Hall of Famer, wants Plax to play for Big Blue next year. If you call yourself a Giant fan and want to argue with Harry Carson then maybe you aren't a Giant fan. God damn sons of bitches.


Alcoholic storytime
In the first few days of the summer after my freshman year of college I had foolishly convinced myself that I had this whole binge drinking deal figured out. Though I had only first gotten shit faced less than 2 years before that, I also had one year of college level alcohol abuse under my belt and was confident that I could spend a few months living in my parents house while keeping up the same lifestyle I had become accustom to with no serious negative consequences.

Boy was that stupid. It didn't take longer than the first weekend for me to come home from some party drunk (and by party I mean me and 4 friends drinking a 30 pack in someone's basement) and decide that 2 am would be the perfect time to raid my parents liquor cabinet and do some bonding with my older brother. My brother has never been a big drinker and so was completely sober when I handed him a bottle of Jack Daniels and said, "Hey lets get fucked up."

Being sane, my brother poured a small measure of Jack into a cup of ice and mixed in a good amount of Diet Coke. I, on the other hand, grabbed the bottle by the neck, titled it back and started putting bubbles into it. Things when dark soon after that but I do remember going to the bathroom, blinking my eyes anddiscovering thereafter that I had plastered ever inch of porcelain with vomit. Whoops. Then, while attempting to clean up my mess, I tried pulling myself up off the floor by grabbing on to a towel rack. That promptly snapped like a twig, sending my sprawling out onto my own puke and causing an awful racket.

Mr. Dynamo wasted no time sprinting down there stairs to beat the shit out of me. I didn't drink again all summer. But sober was driving was totally fun!
What I'm sorbing for dinner
Fuckin' Taquitos, bro. These things are advertised as 3 for the price of 3. Really? Awesome, I'll take six!
NERDS NERDS NERDS NERDS
So I was playing D&D with my brother, who is a dungeon master (I know, just stop there, right?) and someone had to roll 4D6, (that's four regular six sided die to you simple unlearned folk). The dude rolled a 1, 1, 2, 3, a very low and poor result. He was obviously disappointed until another player said, "Wait dude, that's awesome, you just rolled the first four numbers of the Fibonacci Sequence!" Many nerds proceeded to uproariously high five.

Celebrity Guest Star Sabremetrical Analysis: ODB
I'm into all assholes. I like it because it's tinier than a pussyhole. It's so tiny, it's tinier than a clitoris. When I get the feeling of licking a york peppermint patty, it's a sensation. Furthermore, despite being an overpaid, gimpy-legged, waste, Luis Castillo does actually provide some value in the lineup by being able to consistently put up an OBP over 360ish. Though his OBP+ is also consistently below average, this is skewed because OPS+ overvalues SLG, of which Castillo has none. In conclusion, I'm just lookin' for new girls to put babies in.

Tales from the Bad MS Paint Crypt
I didn't do this but it makes me laugh every time I see it.
Obligatory something that is awesome about the Mets
The Mets hosted the first sporting event after 9/11. Piazza hit an 8th inning bomb to help the Mets win a come from behind victory. If you weren't cheering for the Mets at that time then you are a godless communist sack of shit. Have fun getting fisted in hell you terrorist scum.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves
The Braves were playing in Mets in the first game after 9/11 and actually tried to win. What a bunch of goddless communist sacks of shit. Have fun getting fisted in hell you terrorist Atlantean scum.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade.
Airborne

A movie about the what happens when a laid back SoCal surfer has to spend a summer in Cincinnati with a bunch of fuckin hockey players. That would fuckin suck, bra!

Check out the 6:15 mark for some ooooooooold school Jack "Augie" Black. Also staring Rob Schnieder as a stapler!



Random Team Preview: Detroit Tigers
I'm not going to lie, I'm predicting a really rough season for the Tigers. I mean, Detroit is going to have some talented players on their roster, but it's going to be hard playing the entire season in a post apocolpytic wasteland.

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women
Tool - Jambi



HOLY SHIT I DON'T WANT TO EVER STOP LISTENING TO TOOL.

I could do with out this fuckin videos though, I'll be honest.

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties
B*witched - Cest La Vie.



Wow, I just now realized from watching the video that B*witched is 4 people and not 1. Also I have no idea what country this women are from. Judging from their accent I'd say either Scotland or Australia. Or maybe Wales. Or South Africa. One of those. Probably. Also Youtube says this video was made in 1998. I wonder what they look like ten years later. Whatever they do, chances are good I'd still B*ttfuck them.

Major Boobage
Fart Hammer. Best porno site ever. Look it up. A simple premise: a man has sex with a girl until he climaxes on her face. Immediately after he finishes spooging he turns around and shoves his butt in the girls face and a huge fart sound affect is played. BBBLLLTTTHHHTTHTHTTP. The result is comic gold. I think all things should be farthammer. I definitely named every fantasy team fart hammer for like 2 years and almost got the license plate FRTHMR. Seriously.

Robocop made up quote of the week

Well, maybe not the best Up Butt Jumping evar, and certainly not the most timely. But what do you expect? I'm a very important man with a lot of masterbating to do. In conclusion: PLAX > SEAN TAYLOR

Oh crap, thanksgiving was yesterday, wasn't it?

So I forogot that yesterday was Thanksgiving and that I was supposed to make some trite post about how thankful GMDB is for readers and stuff like that. Well that's true, we are, but who the fuck reads this crap for sentimentalities? Pfff!

I would, however, like to thank our creator and Heavenly Father, God Almighty, for continually failing to answer my prayers to smite the Atlanta Braves. Thanks, God. Really, thanks a lot. I'm so glad you haven't yet stricken down the Atlanta fucking Braves in a fury of righteous anger. That's just fucking great. Keep those fuckers around but blow up a couple space shuttles. Yeah, smooth move, GOD. I mean, by all means, don't send a perfect bunch of assholes straight to hell, but assfuck a bunch of do-gooding astronaughts, that makes perfect fucking sense to me! And while I'm at it, thanks a whole fucking lot for making me allergic to dogs. That was REALLY fucking cool of you, God. You're a real fuckin' pal you know that? Canceling Deadwood was probably your idea too, wasn't it? Well thanks a fucking bundle. You really know how to weild that supreme fucking power of yours, God, ye old King of Kings, Lord of Lords and Light of Salvation! HOLY SHIT, I AM SO GOD DAMN THANKFUL YOU ARE UP THERE LOOKING OUT FOR ALL OF US, GOD. SO FUCKING THANKFUL. Being so gracious and merciful, I REALLY hope nothing horrible happens to you, GOD, like, say, your only child getting tortured to death!! That would just break my fucking heart!!!!

*pant, pant, pant*

*siiiiiiigh*

Well then, who wants turkey sandwiches!

GMDB JUMPS UP YOUR BUTT: Chase Utley is going to hell when he dies

Injuries to all stars are always big news, which is why it's no surprise that Chase Utley's recent trip to the operating table was reporting in many a Mets blogs. This makes sense, considering the Phillies' WS title and past 2 division title have recently supplanted the Braves as P.E. #1 in many Met's fans eyes. Fine, I'm never dropping the Braves hate, but at the same time, I would like the attitudes for discussing this injury to change a bit. I'm talking about baseball fans' informal taboo against rooting for rival team's players to get injured.

Maybe it's baseball's, wimpy, pastoral nature, but what the hell is the big deal about rooting for famous millionaire's to suffer non-career threatening injuries? They're still rich, they still have sweet lives. Fuck 'em. They'll get better and then they'll be back to having way sweeter lives than you and hitting HRs against the Mets in no time. Why can't I enjoy their misery for now?

I know there are plenty of people out there that secretly do, but it seems whenever some sweet ass injury to some jagov like Chipper Jones comes up, all the blog commentors rush to see who can be first to claim the high moral ground of "you never root for a guy to injured..." well F that in A, not me. I am actively rooting for players to suffer injuries and not play. I want the Braves to be totally shitty and if that means Brian McCann has to spend a few weeks taking antibiotics because of a staph infection, then good. As they say, "no sweat off my sack, bro."

So anyway, Sorry for your injury, Utley, but actually not sorry. I don't hope you ACTUALLY die but other than that, fuck you and fuck your success.

Alcoholic storytime
I knew a real drunk in college who I'll just call V-Beers for the sake of the story, because, well, that's what everyone called him.

V-beers had a tremendous thirst for beers, usually either Icehouse ot Natty Light. He's the type of guy who would go out drinking and wake up face down in the snow outside his house, his life saved from hypothermia only by the high level of alcohol in his blood at the time.

Anyway, one day V-Beers ran for president of the fraternity. This was a horrible idea but the president gets free rent int he house and cable as well. So when V-Beers didn't win he got pissed and locked himself in his room. I think we tried to check on him or something but there wasn't a lot of what you'd call empathy among the collection of assholes our fraternity assembled. So no one had heard from him for a few days until we get a call from some guy in the Sigma Chi house. It went like this:

"Hey you know this guy V-Beers? Yeah, well you you better come fucking pick him before he gets the shit kicked out of him."

Apparently V-Beers had snuck out of the fraternity with a bunch of beers and just spent the last week or so drinking and driving around town. Eventually he drove up the lawn of the Sigma Chis, walked into their house, gathered up all the text books lying around and started pissing all over them. I don't know why they didn't fucking rock V-Beers' face for that but when we did pick him he was no worse for the wear except for a slightly torn shirt that may or may not have happened after he started pissing on all the Sigma Chi's shit.

I guess the moral of this story is if you get the desire to go piss on a bunch of other people's shit, why not go to the Sigma Chi fraternity, as they are obviously a bunch of huge pussies.


What I'm sorbing for dinner
A Subway sandwich and... a Subway sandwich. And aybe also a Subway Sandwich. mmmm... big bready sandwiches with meat kept in trays with creepy lids.



NERDS NERDS NERDS NERDS
I waste a lot of time on Wikipedia, just farting around and looking up random crap. Some of my friends don't appreciate it so much and call me a dork because of it. One time I din't answer my friend JP's phone call so he wrote an email to a bunch of my friends saying I couldn't take his call because I was too busy looking up the history of the bagel on Wikipedia. This is why I hate JP.

Anyway, being a wikiphile probably does make a me a big dork but often it is useful in revealing come choice nuggets like this: "concluded the first official report to Her Majesty's government, 'it is impossible to imagine any human beings lower on the scale of civilization than are the Andaman savages.'"

Obviously I immediately thought about the Braves when I read that.

Celebrity Guest Star Sabremetrical Analysis: Jeffery Jones
"So far this semester he has been absent nine times. NINE TIMES. Congratulations to Carlos Beltran for winning the 2008 Feilding Bible Award for CF. Carlos Beltran you truely are totally awesome."

Tales from the Bad MS Paint Crypt.
Club Beer Party is dumb ass names my friends started calling the occasions where we play a bunch of beruit and get drunk for no reason. It's pretty dope. And exclusive. So exclusive, in fact, that we have recently restricted membership to no one, including myself. When I was in it though, I killed some time one day and made this awesome Club Beer Party logo. Gnarly, no?


Obligatory something that is awesome about the Mets.
Butch Huskey is mountain of a man who will come to your house and eat your dinner.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves.
Speaking of Brian McCann, he has a disgustingly creepy flesh colored neck beard, a la Spencer Pratt. Shave off that filthy shit you savage.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade.
Mom and Dad Save the PlanetThere's really nothing I can do to explain this movie, except that the combination of Jeffery Jones and Jon Lovitz is a joy for all of society to treasure. There are a couple good bits in the movie, like the 'Light Grenade' and Kathy Ireland in her prime, but yeah, it's pretty fucking awful. But it was on a lot so I fucking watched it so fuck off.

Fantasy Baseball Advice
Michael Young is a piece of horseshit. Never draft or trade for him. Uh, yeah that's it. Yeah this topic totally sucks.

Stupid Baseball Tradition that sucks and should just shut up and go to hell
Tim McCarver being employed. He is a real piece of god awful orange hair dying piece of shit. He makes Joe Morgan look like a Rhodes Scholar. How he is still employed can only be the result of some sort of powerful yet unknown inertia, perhaps like the dark matter that keep the universe expanding away from itself.

If firing Tim McCarver means reversing this process and having the cosmos collapsing upon itself and ending the entire space-time continuum, I think it's definitely be an option worth considering.

Mets related website that rocks it out like a champion
My Summer Family. This is run but super cool blogatrix The Coop, who likes to curse and hate on other teams. Sounds good to me!

Non Mets website that doesn't exactly make we want to barf my guts out
Bad Braves Fan. Despite not making new posts since March, we still get some site traffic directed our way from Grimey's links to GMDB. Also Grimey is a pretty funny dude, despite his disgusting proclivities for baseball times from Atlanta.

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women
I see no sooner did I publish Jumps up Your Butt's first iteration did BDD steal my idea of using tool as a kick ass video. And so out of spite, I'm picking tool, AGAIN. also because tool is the fucking tits and I've set my itunes to play nothing but tool for the last 3 weeks or so. (The 'rare magical homeless dago' in the Deadspin post was a great line though. I can see Big Pud picking that as his new profession in a couple years).

So this week it's Hooker with a Penis.



A song about some fan being mad a tool for selling out, and MJK telling this fan to go fuck himself with a coat rack. Once I became a successful television sit come writer, I'm going to try and sneak tool lyrics into the shows whenever possible. So like when it comes time for the annoying old dad to impart some lesson on the dumb ass son he'll say "Well, now, I've got some AD-vice for you little buddy." And then millions of Americans will have been subliminally urged to go listen to a song called Hooker with a Penis. TOUCHDOWN KEN DYNAMO.

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties



Aly and AJ's Potential Break Up Song is a fun little pop ditty by two pretty hot though probably underage chicks. I went to go look up their ages on wikipedia (obviously), and what do I find out but that they are home schooled and don't believe in evolution.

I can't think of anything more boner killing than Creationlist ideology.

I was in a seminar in college with a super hot chick and when the topic of evolution came up this dumb bitch couldn't help herself but to proclaim to the entire class "Well you all know that with recent advances in science that the theory of evolution will be BLOWN OUT OF THE WATER SOON." The emphasis is mine but this is exactly what she said. She really wanted us to know the 'truth' too. If only we ignorant lost souls would keep up with the science journals, we too would be enlightened as too how Darwin was a fraud.

Bottom line, if you think the earth is 6,000 years old or less you should be euthanized. Fucking savages.

Major Boobage
Yeah I won't lie, this is just a link to meat spinners. Maybe one day I'll actually link to some hot tits but I just love a good meat spinner joke. My favorite is sending out the one cell phone locater bit to a bunch of friends one of them simply responded "You know you can just go right to meatspin[dot]com right?" Revolting.

Robocop made up quote of the week
"As he my old coach would say it: everywhere there are they, the blind squirrels, nutting on each other."

Well, I hope you enjoyed round 2. It took longer to to post than I wanted but it is a holiday week so tough titties. Also I really don't feel like proofreading so I'm afraid there are bound to be some atrocious typos herein. WELL OK THEN BYE.

GMDB Jumps up Your Butt: Foil-Embossed Hologrammed Glow-in-the-Dark First Issue Collector's Item

When trying to think of a good format for GMDB's reboot, I thought to myself, say, why don't I just rip off Big Daddy's Drew's Dick Joke Jambaroo? He's funny, people enjoy his work, and like Big Daddy Drew, I also enjoy sports, alcohol, music and naked boobs.

Then I thought, you know what, that wouldn't be me ripping BDD off, that be me ripping MYSELF off. Case in point, one of BDD latest jokes about excessive drinking where he says: hey, if 15 drinks makes me feel this awesome, then OF COURSE another 5 beers beers can only make me feel that much MORE awesome! How can me writing that be ripping BDD off when I've already been saying that for years? MOREOVER ITS NOT A JOKE IT IS TRUE.

So if some of this shit looks familiar to something you've seen before but massively less funny, its because I'm copying the Jambaroo format and then making the same pathetic jokes I have been making my whole life that just happen to sound like pale imitations of jokes you've already heard on KSK multiple times. Though one thing you won't hear from me are any of the Father Knows Shit jokes that BDD makes about his family. Fuck that, why would you get married, dude? Having a wife is so gay. Queer.

Anyway, just so you don't feel like your getting totally gypped in the opening rant, here is something totally new that I made up myself and if anyone says otherwise they are a rotten lying sack of dogshit. It's an idea for a new show on TLC. It involves two clowns who use invitro twice and end up with 8 fuckin kids. Then then exploit their children by shoving them in front of cameras all day for some terrible TV show, only to see it end in tragedy when their minivan full of offspring gets hit by a bus. It's called Jon and Kate Plus 8 Minus 3.

Alcoholic Storytime
So when I moved into my first apartment after graduating college and was finally completely unfettered from the shackles of parental dependence, I was overcome with the near limitless possibilities of ways to completely waste money when my financial resources were being held accountable to no one but myself. Combining that and a high speed internet connection meant it was clearly only a matter of time before I got drunk and subscribed to a bunch of internet prono sites.

Now I did this a few times only to cancel the next day out of regret before I finally did this while completely blacked out. It wasn't until I looked at my monthly credit card bill that I realized I was being charged $20 a month for something called ccbill.com. Luckily that charge also came with a toll free number so I called up with the intention of canceling whatever perverted shit it was I had signed up for. Once I got an operator on the line the conversation went more or less like this:

Me: Yes I'd like to cancel whatever it is I'm getting billed every month for. Can I give you my credit card number so you can look me up?
Operator: Certainly, if you can just tell me your username and password.
Me: Sorry I have no idea what those are. I have my credit card number that's getting charged, though, can I give you that now?
Operator: Well if you just give me your user name and password I can look up your whole account for you.
Me: No you see I don't know what those are but I have my credit card bill with this unknown charges on it and I'd like to have it stopped. So... how about I give you that credit card number, now?
Operator: Ok well if you can look up your user name and...
Me: OK WELL HERE IS MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER - PLEASE CANCEL THIS RIGHT AWAY PLEASE THANKS. [I read off my number]
Operator: Right, well I've been able to look up your account based on that information. Now, How can I help Mr. Sorb?
Me: What?
Operator: Your account was activated by a Mr. Sorb, actually it is... Sorb Sorb. First name and last. So how may I help you Sorb Sorb?
Me: JUST CANCEL THE ACCOUNT.
Operator: Allright, your account has been terminated Sorb S-
ME: GREAT THANKS BYE.

And I've been sorbing up pornography ever since. The End.

What I'm sorbing for dinner
Most likely a microwaved Chef Boyardee lasagna is a heavy cheese sauce, complimented by several handfuls of frozen peas, topped off by a leftover bag of Sunchips purchased 3 days ago at Subway. Bone appetit!

NERDS NERDS NERDS NERDS
Battlestar Galactica is one of the top 5 dramas ever to be broadcast on TV, (along with The Wire, Deadwood, Sopranos and Mad Men - no other opinions appreciated thank you that will be all), but will never get it's due because it has the name Battlestar Galactica and it involves spaceships. THAT IS RACIST. YOURE ALL A BUNCH OF GOD DAMN RACISTS. Frack all y'all bitches.

Celebrity Guest Star Sabermetrical Analysis: Featuring James Vanderbeek!
"I don't want.... YER LIFE! Futhermore, despite several sportswriter's sentimentalities and protean definition of 'valuable', Albert Pujols' 66 POINT advantage in OPS+ over Ryan Howard precludes any other argument to the contrary that Pujols should be this year's NL MVP. For once, conventional wisdom by the BWAA aligned with that of the sabremetrical community. Kudos, gentlemen."

Tales from The Bad MS Paint Job Crypt.
This one is from the GMDB vault since I've already spent way too long on this post and haven't the strength to make a new one, even though they obviously only take like 5 minutes. Hey Ryan Howard, Pujols just screwed you in the pooholes! Tee hee.
Obligatory something that is awesome about the Mets.
John Franco had lazy boy recliner installed next to his locker just to make fun of Barry Bonds for doing the same.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves.
Up until 2003, Atlanta had a law on the books prohibiting inter racial marriage.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade.
You think Andrew Stephens and Shannon Tweed ever got sick of all the simulated sex they had to have? All that grindage and no release. Kind of like dance parties in high school (who didn't see that punchline coming?)

Fantasy Baseball Advice
I don't have any, I totally suck at fantasy baseball. What a terrible category I chose to comment on. Here's my advice: play in a league that has very strict waiver wire rules so you don't miss out on picking up every good player because some asshole carries his laptop around everywhere and gets fantasy alerts texted to his phone. Who does that shit, anyway? Buttcakes, that's who.

Stupid Baseball Tradition that sucks and should just shut up and go to hell
Most traditions of any sort are stupid and serve no discernible purpose. Baseball is no exception as it's chock full of dumb traditions that serves no purpose other than to give Bob Costas something annoying to complain about. Here's one I would get rid of: Managers in uniforms.

How humiliating for those old fat geezers? Even more ridiculous is when they wear the dugout jackets and then walk around in those tight ass game pants. The managers are also usually the last people on the team to still wear stirrups. Please, for chrissakes, let these fat old men dress like their age for once.


Mets related website that rocks it out like a champion
It's no secret that I have a raging mega-huge blogger boner for Amazin Avenue. Half of the stuff I write about (ok, like 90 percent) comes from a link that E-rock Cymon found first. You are my favorite, Amazin Avenue, forever and always. Hey, maybe for Valentine's day I'll just dress up Amazing Avenue like a girl and take it out to dinner. I think we'll go to Hunan #1. Then later I can share my duck sauce with it. Wow, this went South in a hurry. Sorry, but there's no changing it now, that would be against GMDB strict no-proofreading policy. Deal with it.

Non Mets website that doesn't exactly make we want to barf my guts out
I don't know how many more of these kind of websites I'll be able to uncover but I wanted to give a shout out to The Fightins, they who gave us the video of the little rioting Philly girl. I started reading more of that blog and couldn't really find anything that made me totally want to vomit my brains out in disgust. Way to go dudes. Now if only these powers of yours could somehow be harnessed for the forces of good and righteousness.

Random 2009 Team Preview: The Atlanta Braves
The Braves new GM, Frank Wren is going to have his work cut out for him this offseason when trying to fill some major holes the Braves have both in their starting rotation and in their outfield.

After exhausting all potential internal options, look for Wren and the Braves to hire some sort of voodoo priest to scour German cemeteries in an effort to reanimate the corpses of dead Nazi commanders to fit in with their organizational tradition of employing genocidal zombie cannibals. If that fails, Wren has stated that his will examine the rolls of all registered sex offenders in the greater Atlanta metro area.

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women: Tool Vicarious



How's this for some dominant lyrics?
Blood like rain, come down
Drum on grave and ground

Now that is a touchdown.

The rest of the lyrics kick it up your ass too. Lead guitarist Adam Jones also said that the time signature of this song is something like 8.5/6. Tool, please be welcomed as planet Earth's deserving new supreme overlords.

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties: Le Click Call Me



Is there a more homoerotic scene then 30 some high school football players changing into thier jocks, girdles and tight tight pants while all singing along to this mid 90's dance hall classic? Why yes, when one of them gets up on a bench and yells "Hey everyone, check out my nuts!" Not that I know anything about such a thing ever happening.

Major Boobage
I know everyone here knows how to look up that sweet sweet pr0n on the internets, but I've uncovered a rare gem here that I doubt you've ever seen before. Obviously beware that it is definitely not safe for work, but on the other hand, maybe you're going to lose your job in the economic vortex of misery we currently experiencing, so you probably owe it to yourself to click through, anyway. Behold.

Robocop made up quote of the week

"My friends used to call me, Murphy, but now, I too shall be the one who is called Dick Titties."

Well, that's it for now. Who knows how long I'll keep up this program but I think it at least has some potential. Potential to totally suck a fat peenus! OH BURN.

This seriously can't wait. Also GMDB site news update

Site news first: I'm planning on consolidating the posts I'm doing from a whenever-I-get-around-to-it schedule to one-super-sweet-awesome-post a week. I'm thinking this dope shit will drop on Tuesdays, because nothing cool happens on Tuesday (NOT YET ANYWAY! HAHA!) and also cause of nostalgia for the old Q104.3's two for Tuesday classic rock blocks. You know what passes for classic rock these days? Nirvana. That's fucking bullshit.

Anyway, the crap that can't wait until later even though I've already posted once today revolves around pop star Katy Perry's excellent Hot N Cold.

First, enjoy the original video.



Katy Perry is smokin hot and sings some totally alright pop songs but I just have this weird feeling that she'd be a real bitch to date. Like, you're trying to decide where to eat one night and you're like, hey, how about Chinese? And she'd be all like You don't want chinese, you hate chinese, no you want to try the new vegan raw bar because you want to start eating healthier. and then when you say no thanks to that she yells I don't understand why you make such a big production out of everything there's no need for that kind of attitude why dont you take some time to think about what you just did! and then she'll stop having sex with you for a week, at least.

I dunno, maybe it's just me.

Right, so, I wrote these amazing fake lyrics to the chorus of Hot N Cold and I just couldn't wait to share them with everyone. Like I literally am not able to do anything else until I type all this out.

HEY! WHY NOT SING ALONG?!

refrain

Cause you're hot then your cold,
Your cock, I grab hold,
You push it up in,
'Round it I will spin.

You're ready to go,
Increase the tempo,
I cum: crescendo,
You play nintendo?

(you) You don't really want to stay, no
(you) But you don't really want to go-o

You mash on my gash,
I twang on your wang,
You jam in my clam,
I rock on your cock,

refrain

Cause I schlob on your knob,
And swallow your balls,
I lick your stiff prick,
Lipstick on your dick,

You rip through my tits,
Explode on my globes,
Grope both my flesh slopes,
Spray your frozen ropes.

(you) You don't really want to stay, no
(you) But you don't really want to go-o

You rub on my nub,
I yank on your crank,
You spluge down my luge,
I squirt on your shirt.

bridge

Cause you've savaged my ass,
Gave you a dirt 'stache,
Don't quit the sick shit,
Spit on my biscuits.

My buns you did spank,
Drank from my piss tank,
Spelunked my pink cave,
Nothing's too depraved.

Now nut on my butt,
And sperm in my perm,
I goad your fat chode,
To blow the whole load.

Now chew my roast beef,
Let your teeth sink deep,
Freak between my cheeks,
Cream on my twin peaks.

(you) You don't really want to stay, no
(you) But you don't really want to go-o

Now plow through my fields,
And zest my orange peels,
Our fluids congeal,
Tenderize my veal.

And.... TOUCHDOWN.

Phillie fans are brutal savages. I have proof.

The video on this page contains proof for what we all know to be true: Phillie fans are brutal, sub-human savages. Gaze in wonder as some little Philly fan girl takes the windshield of a news van and beats it the fuck in with her little foot, then a huge ass cop takes her ankle and beats it the fuck in with his huge ass nightstick. Then the Phillie fans start chanting 'fuck the police'. God damn savages in that town. Seriously, if you ever find a Phillie fan who has not dined on human flesh in the last 24 hours you have found a rare beast indeed.

These maniacs should be put to sleep, f'real.

Folks, what are we going to do about Luis Castillo?

When Omar made traded for Luis Castillo in the midst of the 2007 season, the general reaction in Metsland was a collective, 'Meh.' It paled in comparison to the ruckus raised by the Braves' Teixeira deal, but all the Mets gave up were, uh.... some fucking guy and, uh.... some other fucking guy, so no big whoop.

The following offseason, Omar rewarded Castillo pedestrian half season prefomance with a four year, $25m contract, beating out probably no one for the privilege of having Castillo's services at second base for the next 4 years.


What the fuck man. One of Castillo's leg's is shorter than the other. That's fucked up. He walks around like Grandpa Biff Tanner. Crag Brown at THT explains the boneheaded signing with science (thanks to AA for the link).

So I ask you: folks, what are we going to do about Luis Castillo?

In other news, I've been criticized for more often then not making jokes at the expense of the homosexual community. Well, let it not be said that I am now still no longer a friend to the gays.

What I mean is I recently bought this CD:because, I mean, well just look at it. It's amazing. Anyway, I googled what the shit it's all about and its defintiley a huge, ass-themed, gay club in Times Square that decided to put out an album of terrible, terrible house music. I mean this CD sucks. I guess if you're downing vodka-GHB cocktails all night a bunch of lame ass bleeps and bloops with no decernible hooks or melodies is what you're in to, but, christ this was boring.

So yeah, check me out, supporting New York's GLBTs. I hope you enjoyed my 8 bucks, assmen. That's two Miller Lite's I won't be enjoying this weekend.

GMDB SPECIAL POLITCAL POST!!!!

Hah, psyche! Politics are the fucking worst. I'm not wasting any more time going over any of that bullshit. Check out what I did vote for though:
I also voted for turning all of Atlanta into one great big fucking lake. Learn to swim, assholes.




TOOL > ELECTIONS

GMDB EXCLUSIVE: Big Pud's 2008 Halloween costume. Also a picture of Jimmy Rollins drinking Shane Victorino's piss

Look, Paul Lo Duca dressed up as a stupid moron for Halloween. What a faggot.

And Jimmy Rollins about to consume Shane Victorino's urine. I bet he's all like "Aaaah, this is so refreshing! I LOVE PISS!"

Special election day bonus political commentary from Carlos Rogers: "Hey, like a lot of people said, one president gonna stick it up your butt, the other one's gonna stick it further in the butt, so it don't matter, man. Whatever happens, happens. That's something we can't control."

I have to agree with Rogers even though he is a stupid stupid Redskin. Look, if you've convinced yourself that your one vote can possibly make a difference, then by all means, go fucking vote, just don't give me shit because I know mine won't.

Congratulations!

A hardy congratulations to the NEW JERSEY NETS for winning their season opener against the Washington Wizards! An no congratulations to the Phillies for being a bunch of fart sniffers.


I acknowledge but one positive thing ever to come out of the city of Philadelphia:


I hope those morons riot for weeks.

3 innings, 9 outs, 1 dream, countless buttheads

Tonight, the Phillies try to end Philadelphia's 25 some odd year championship drought in the 4 major North American sports. I, like most of America, will be desperately cheering for the Rays, because fuck Philadelphia, that's why. You had your moment to shine back during the Constitutional Convention, now quit whining and accept your fate as an also-ran and get in line somewhere between Bismarck and Charlotte on the list of American ctities of importance.

Also fuck the Eagles. Especially McNarb. Now check out this sweet jack o'lantern I made:

Now when trick or treaters stop by they will see my pumpkin and then realize that the Eagles do indeed suck. Check it out at night:

Oooh, impressive, no?

Now, Rays, please help prolong the agony of the entire generation of Philadelphians who do not remember a time when one of their favorite teams was a champion. The citizens of our nation are counting on you.

C'mon Rays, you stupid Rays!

Thanks to the shitty weather in Philadelphia (I can't think of a good derogatory pun for Philadelphia, by the way. Just another thing that infuriates me about that city), the stupid jagov Phillies are about as close as you can be to winning a world series without actually being in the middle of a game. We have the stupid jagov Rays to thank for this. Thanks a lot Rays, you assholes. Hey, they're just like the 69 Mets, except they are going to fucking blow it like chumps instead of being champions like the Mets!

All this makes me think of how absurd it is that basebal teams pop champagne and wildly celebrate after winning each series. How fucking retarded is that? And because they celebrated advacing to the finals only to now be on the brink of choking like jackasses, I am forced to take picture of the Rays celebrating and MS Paint in a bunch of penis to make them all look gay.

Sorry Rays, you brought this on yourselves. Link not safe for work, dummies.

In a mostly unrelated note, did anyone watch last Sunday's Entourage? I still watch it, even though it's boring, predictable and totally retarded, but this week's episode shockingly takes the cake (the cake made of shit). None of the characters in Entourage ever deal with conflicts or suffer consequences yet never before have the lazy, inept writers ever been so blatant as to actually have the group acknowledge that, after a whole season of dramatic post twists and turns, absolutley nothing has changed by the end. "Well Ari's back to being an agent, Vince is a rich movie star and everyone in the audiance just completely wasted their time caring about what happens in ever episode in this show's history. Haha, fuck you stupid tv viewer!"

I'm also sick of Ari's constant gay bashing of Lloyd yet his adament refusual to include the word faggot in his increasingly contrived insults. Seriously, why is that word so taboo? Saying Lloyd has to clean the cum out of his eyes so he can see better is fine but saying, 'Shut up, Lloyd, you faggot,' would be over the line? How does that make sense?

In conclusion, I too would like to be jerked off by Meadow Soprano.