Anon Mets 'pen: thou doth clutch a towering equine pizzle and sucketh it, verily

And what I mean by that is the Mets' bullpen sucks huge horse cock.

What the fuck man, I know it's early but if I have no patience for this bullshit. If anyone was to blame for the collapse last year, it was the bullpen, and we're not even out of April yet before these bozos decide it's time to break out the straws and start the suckfest. An all day, all night sucking suck party that will suck your shit straight to hell (whatever that means).

numbers:
Heilman: IP 12.2 - ERA 4.97 - WHIP 1.42 - grade: FAIL
Sosa: IP 13.2 - ERA 7.24 - WHIP 1.68 - grade: EPIC FAIL

Here's my impressions of Sosa and Heilman having a little pow wow on the mound in the middle of a game:

Sosa: Hey Aaron, how's it going?
Heilman: Pretty good, Jorge, pretty good.
Sosa: So, what are you up to?
Heilman: Oh just taking a piss.
Sosa: Yeah me too, I'm just taking a big long steamy piss all over the field.
Heilman: Hey, you ever think about, I dunno, like, actually pitching, or something like that?
Sosa: No, I'm pretty much just going to take a piss.
Heilman: Hah, yeah me too, just pissin'. I was joking before. Nothing but piss from me.
Sosa: Yeah, piss it up.
Heilman: I love taking a piss on game day.
Sosa: Piss that game away.
Heilman: Piss, piss, piss.
Sosa: Love to take a piss.
Heilman: Hey, Jorge.
Sosa: Yes, Aaron?
Heilman: I guess that makes us, piss pals!

Fucking assholes. Get your shit together.

I was going to save this video for when Alou returned (because if you didn't already know, Alou like to PISS on his HANDS!!!) but I love piss jokes more than life and can't wait that long.



My favorite part is when you think the piss is over but then he farts and ITS NOT OVER!!!!

Schuerholz, buttholes, whats the difference?

Only when Bobby Cox's cold dead body is in the ground will the Braves that terrorized the NL East lo so many years be unrecognizable, but this is a decent start. Schuerholz is the latest to bite the dust, and perhaps the most important cog in the Mets killing machine to be shut down. When A Jones bolts for Bora$ money this off season, Smoltz retires and Larry Jones' AIDs finally mutates into a strain to which modern science has nothing to combat it with we will finally be down to Cox' withered husk of flesh. Oh the parties I need to start planning for.

In other news that we are later to getting to than Bridget Moynahan's period after she got dumped by Tom Brady (even the jokes are old, LOL), Dusty Baker is the new Reds manager. This is good news for two reasons. 1) no longer having to listen to baker's stupid blather during Baseball Tonight and 2) if the Reds' front office is stupid enough to hire Baker maybe they are also stupid enough not to pick up Adam's Dunn $13m club option for '08.

Is Dunn a perfect fit for the Mets? No. Can he fucking mash? Yes. If you can get him, do it. Figure out the details later. The only draw back to getting Dunn is it makes Alou expandable and that means less urine jokes. Looks like someone else had better step it up start pissing themselves.