A Mets SI cover retrospective

It used to be that the Mets were a bunch of bad asses and Sports Illustrated used to put these bad asses on the cover of their 'zine to show to the world just how much ass we kicked.

Look at Doc. He is like 16 in this picture and he could throw this ball right thru your face.

Darryl is rampaging bad ass using either criterion, drugs or baseball, alone.

Not only did Ron Darling sport cleated Roos but he also comprises the second half of my collection of Met faux 87 Topps baseball card school folder collection. The other half is pictured on the blog side bar.

If you'll notice, all 3 of these covers were from the 80's and they all feature bad ass action shots of bad ass mets beating asses. Then the 90's happen and for some reason no one wanted to put Butch Huskey or Lance Johnson or Dave Mlicki on the cover. So flash forward to 2000 and this turd bubbles up.

A lame ass studio shot of a bunch of dorks. I kind of liked Fonzi but look who else we got. Rey Rey, Olerud (in his fucking batting helmet for chrissake) and Robin "I-get pummeled-by-a-50-year-old-Nolan Ryan" Ventura. And let me answer to the rhetorical question posed on the cover, SI. No, you assholes.

Now we skip 6 years to when we get good again and the SI editors treat us with this:

Another dumb ass studio shot of goofy looking mets. Whats really annoying is these guys really are bad asses. Except Lo Duca or Capt. Red Ass or Big Pud or whatever he wants to call himself. Seriously, LOOK AT HIM. I just want to give him the biggest dead arm. So thanks for the tour of Rip City, Tom Verducci, I can't wait to never go back.

And I guess the retarded family photo was a big hit because tomorrow, SI subscibers will be enjoying round 2.

What the fuck man. The only positive I can say about this photo is at least they ditched the black hats with the blue brims. I can't wait to read just how unlikely it was that Omar Minaya paid brown people to play baseball for him. Oh wait, Minaya's brown too??? Holy shit, this must be the MOST unlikely story in baseball. Throw in John Maine and we got the fucking U.N. Fantastic. Melt my fucking pot Sports Illustrated. Just fucking melt it all over me.

Fuck this. I blame the slump retroactively on the SI cover curse. Fuck SI and fuck their curse.

I'm sick of this...

See you down in Arizona Bay

We are going to take the series against the La Ciudad de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula Dodgers. This slump is over. Our pitching will neutralize their pathetic bats and negative power and our world class hitting will overcome their pitching. And they're playing 2 games ahead of their pythag.

They also employ total douche bags.

And how lame is it that ShitiField is going to pay homage to the Dodgers and Ebbets Field? Screw that. Jackie Robinson is great but that's MLB's job, not ours. I mean, this is first team I learned to actively hate, starting with the '88 NLCS (an epochal moment for a young Mr Dynamo). We have a perfectly good history of our own and the Dodgers still exists as a franchise. Sorry you have such a hard-on for the Superbas, Wilpon, maybe you should have bought them and moved them back to Brooklyn. Ass.

Speaking of paying homage, good bye Sopranos, I will miss you. I can only hope that HBO and David Milch pulls their heads out of their asses and cancels John from Cincinnati and brings back Deadwood so at least 1 hour of my Sunday evening can again be filled with cursing, murder and boobs.

NL East Team Performs WAY Above Talent

Yes, that's correct, Mets fans. Check the Pythagorean Standings. Somehow, someway the Braves are keeping pace with the Mets despite a measly +3 run differential. The Braves are outperforming their Pythagorean record by 3 games. What does Rory B. Bellows chalk it up to? "Clutch" offense? FUCK NO (ed. note- I looked for a good 30 minutes to find Braves Close and Late situational stats, but came up empty. F U BASEBALL PROSPECTUS AND BASEBALL REFERENCE) Superior record in 1-run games? 8-6 doesn't quite qualify as amazing. Then what? Well- Rory chalks it up to PURE, DUMB, F***ING LUCK! So prepare to regress to the mean, Bravos; and be happy that the fall from 2nd place to last isn't that far.

WHAPPO!

I've no time for statistical analysis right now. Clearly we are slumping, but there are plenty of reasons for this and the situation is far from dire. Thankfully The Pedophiles are also slumping and our odds of making the playoffs are still 87-92%

Predictions for the upcoming series against the so-called AL Wild Card leading T-I-double-Guh- Ers:

WE BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF THEM, THATS MY PREDICTION

Double Turds!

On Location: The US Air Guitar Championship Regional Qualifier in DC

Three Cheers for Pedro Jaime

Pedro Jaime Martinez, the man responsible for 8% of the GDP of the Dominican Republic, is finally pitching again. Happily, he is healthy thus far, and on pace to join the 2007 World Series Champion Mets. While it will be quite easy to find a spot for his arm in the rotation, it'll be even easier to find a spot for his jovial self in the clubhouse.



This is one former Mets first baseman who was wrong in thinking when Pedro came to town two years ago that he might not be the best seed in the locker room. Gladly these concerns were for naught, as it's pretty well known that Pedro comes to have fun, and always likes to give the Mets players and fans a good time.



Here's hoping that his abbreviated season, even by Roger Clemens standards, does him well and he picks up wins in games 1,4, and 7 of the World Series this year. Personally, I'm looking forward to having more fun than seeing Don Zimmer rushing at you.

If A-Rod Gets This Man-Beast What Chance Do the Rest of Us Have?

Before we get to the exhibit, let me first give the following breakdown:

Salary: A-Rod- $27MM/year until 2010 (unless he opts out) vs. Rory- significantly less than $27MM/year (but I have no binding contract, thus I can leave at will)- EDGE- SLIGHT-EDGE A-ROD

Looks: A-Rod- "I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team." vs. Rory- "Uhh- I'm not quite as ugly as John Matuszak, I'm uni-racial, I make the least money in my company, I work at an unpopular company." EDGE- A-ROD

Personality: A-Rod- generally acknowledged as an all-around douchebag, no longer has sleepovers with Jeter, mostly disliked among the media and his teammates vs. Rory- mostly liked among his friends, has no media following, but often has sleepovers at his "friends" apartments. EDGE- RORY

Overall Attractiveness Edge: A-ROD

So if A-Rod gets this:
What chance do the rest of us have? Come on A-Rod, even if you're attracted to her at least go for Jessica Alba or Elisha Cuthbert, so that someone like me can get the chick from Ugly Betty.

FYI- What the hell is on the side of Joslyn Morse's left hip here?! Is that some kind of a growth? Perhaps there are side-effects to sleeping with someone who is on steroids? This is an all-around nightmare.

The worst franchise in professional sports history

At least you can't say Phillies' fans don't have a sense of humor. Or at least the guy who set up this website does anyway. He started a countdown until the Phillies lose 10,000 games, the most pathetic number thrown up by any professional sports team in the history of planet erf.

I think we owe it to them to help them on their way. It's the least we can do.

Pity the Pirates

The Pirates really should have a nice young team. Look at this host of players and their corresponding OPS+ (age in parentheses)

C- 141 (26)/62 (26) (Pirates platoon Doumit and Paulino at C and, amazingly, Doumit is killing the ball right now)
3B- 107 (26)
LF- 140 (28)
RF- 107 (28)

Obviously, I've cherry-picked that sample, and it's only 1/3 of the way through the season, and Ryan Doumit won't keep mashing the ball like he is, but for a team with a sub-$40MM payroll that's not too bad. Furthermore, let's unwind the Ollie Perez trade and see what the Pirates rotation would be (of course, unwinding that trade would subtract Nady from the above roster- yeah, whatever, humor me. I was partying with a big Pirates fan this and last weekend so I'm feeling charitable toward the Steel City.)

Potential Pirates Rotation (IE- including Perez) including ERA+ and age:
S1- 147 (25)
S2- 140 (25)
S3- 173 (24)
S4- 72 (24)
S5- 145 (29)

I'd venture to say this would be the best young rotation in MLB. Either way, the Mets have Perez and Peterson has earned his money on this one (as opposed that other "10 minute" debacle). In this case the Pirates loss is the Mets gain. OLLIE, OLLIE OXEN FREE!!!!!

Your time is nigh, Rich. F with Beltran again, and your time will be now.