GO METS DIE BRAVES

a great logo for a great podcast

2011-11-20T16:07:00.001-08:00

BREAKING NEWS: MO VAUGHN BELCHES IN CENTRAL VA

2011-08-23T14:57:00.000-07:00

Grand Moff Alderson

2011-04-25T16:25:00.000-07:00

rec's n effect

2011-04-19T15:39:00.001-07:00

stupid fillies fan

2011-04-06T08:54:00.000-07:00

Where's Nick Evans

2011-02-23T15:09:00.001-08:00

RA DICKEY IS MANOWAR

2010-09-14T19:29:00.001-07:00

GOOOOOOOOAAAAAALS... barely

2010-06-11T22:14:00.001-07:00

Banana Banana could not pull off the upset against the tri colors, the game resulting in a one one tie. and then the french and the ooroogwyans didnt score at all and had, as they say, a nil to nil game.

two games, four teams, two goals. not a good start if youre trying to finally "break in" to that US market, World Cup, if i can be honest.

maybe make the goal post nets a few feet bigger around? have you ever thought about that? i think you should. they fuck with the three point line in basketball all the time. just TRY something different for once why dont you? and think about allowing the forward pass! its cool, i swear!

Guide to World Cup Team Nicknames

2010-06-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

Most nicknames for national soccer teams are totally fucked. Unlike professional sports teams in North America, most national team names aren’t picked by some marketing company, so they end up with bullshit names settled on by an ad-hoc cabal of media, sportswriters and fans. In a lot of ways its similar to the way very old baseball franchises got nicknames, and why so many of them are also fucking terrible. While no teams that made the World Cup are named after colored hosiery, most of them are still pretty bad. For example:

USA – The Yanks

Pretty much the worst team name ever. Might as well be the Jerks or the Tugjobs. There seems to be some sort of movement to have the called the Stars and Stripes or the Red White and Blue, but because those are long, unwieldy and dumb, no one is going to use those suggestions. Really, its all our fault for not giving a shit about soccer for so long and letting the foreign press come up with the name and just using what most foreigners call Americans anyway. I suppose its derogatory but whatever, from the looks of our stupid “clip-art” team badge we deserve something equally lame.

Suggested alternative: THE AMERICANS. Lot of other countries, especially in South American, have aversions to referring to people from the United States as Americans, like its some sort of prize to be named after some sweaty, long dead Italian cartographer. Well tough shit Latin America. You should have thrown off the shackles of colonial oppression sooner and adopted the name first. We should be using the Americans title if for no other reason than to piss off all the whiners. Furthermore, the official name should be The Americans: FUCK YEAH, and all sports announcers should be forced to say the full name at all times. The only other alternatives I would countenance would be something like the Dudes, or Bros, or Bro Dudes, which would make our players sound totally fuckin sweet brah. Or maybe the Touchdowns just emphasize the point that our “football” rules are way better anyway and were just playing soccer to prove we’re better then everyone at everything, which we will be as soon as we feel like proving it.

South Africa – Bafana Bafana

Also terrible. As it has now been pointed out in countless articles, it’s a Zulu word that means The Boys, and is for some reason repeated twice (which is either some dumb custom of Zulu grammar or just some dumb decision by the SAFA). Banana Banana is supposed to be one of the weaker teams at the World Cup, so it’s only fitting they have the best chance of being the first host nation not to advance past the group stage. Don’t expect any sympathy with a shitty name like that.

Suggested alternative: the Springboks. It’s a perfectly fine named used for the national rubgy team, so whats the big fuckin problem? Oh yeah, it’s still a symbol for apartheid regime and the villains from Lethal Weapon 2. Well just pick some other weird African animal then. I’m partial to the Kudu myself. And just use English, nobody speaks fuckin Zulu (sorry fuckin Zulus people, its true).

Mexico – El Tri

This name also sucks ass, and the start of a long list of sucky names referring to the colors of the uniform and/or the national flag. Too bad El Tri makes me think of a third nipple (the Tri Nies) or the dingus leg of a human tripod.

Suggested alternative: Los Gigantos de CONCACAF. A tad bombastic maybe but I found it on Wikipedia and sounds good to me. Gigantos is an excellent Spanish word. I heard they also go by the Aztecs, which is also much better. Shit, the fence jumping strawberry pickers would be better than El fucking Tri.

Uruguay – La Celeste

A very gay name, which makes sense since the country is called You Are Gay, after all. La Celeste sounds like theyre named after custom Martini in a queer bar.

Suggested Alternative: Los Charrusas. Wikipedia tells me they also use that, which was what their indigenous Amerindian inhabitants were (and I guess still are) called. Its obviously better. So would changing La Celeste to the Celestials, though only marginally.

France – Les Bleus

The dyslexic French are named after the color of their jersey, which is Blue, not Bleu. LAME. For as boring as their name is, I will admit I am partial to their snazzy looking rooster crest. Futurey!

Suggested alternative: Roosters? I don’t know, Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys? They probably wouldn’t go for that, or the Frogs. But who cares what the French think? Not me!

Argentina – La Albiceleste

The White and Sky Blues. More crap (and plenty more on the way, just you wait). While it doesn’t take away from Argentinean dope vertically stripped baby blue unis, this name still blows.

Suggested alternative: Los Gauchos. Why not? It’s a cool, local, instantly identifiable, means Cowboy, what’s not to love? I would also suggest the Argies but that’s a little too close to Philadelphia Phillie territory (one of the worst nicknames in the history of frggin universe).

Nigeria – Super Eagles

Finally, a good name. While I normally associate the majestic birds of prey with the US of A, I recognize that we are they only country with affinity toward these awe-inspiring airbone killing machines. Adding Super makes just about any team name better, and this is no exception. The Fuckin Super Eagles. Well done Nigeria. Too bad the rest of your country is a fucking mess.

Suggested Alternatives: None. Keep the name. But ditch the all green unis. Looks like you’re playing on some kids rec league and the coach bought the cheapest shit he could find at the Sports Authority. If you’re called the Super Eagles then why not put a giant fucking super eagle on your fuckin jersey? This isn’t rocket science here, people.

South Korea – Taegeuk Jeonsa

Jeonsa means warrior in Korean. What Taegeuk means I haven’t the foggiest, although it sounds a little too close to ‘The Gook’ if you ask me. This would be an OK name if it were in friggin English. And why they aren’t called the Tigers, which is very clearly on their national crest, is beyond me.

Suggested alternative: Tigers. Duh. I’ve also heard them called the Red Devils, which is better but if it only stems from them wearing red jerseys then it is dumb. If they just went by Warriors, that’d be fine too.

Greece – The Pirate Ship

This name is so fucking stupid that I refuse to believe it’s real. Who the fuck thought that 11 dudes from Greece playing soccer together should be called the motherfucking Pirate Ship? And not just Pirates, which are people, but the actual fucking ship itself? Holy fuck that is retarded, even for fucking Greece, which judging from the newspapers, is run by a collection of assholes. The cradle of Western Civilization and the best you can come up with is the god damn piece of shit fucking Pirate Ship? You’re all fired. All of you.

Suggested alternative: Olympians. Or the Parthenon, if you want to name them after a fuckign thing and not a kind of person. I would also accept the Argonauts, the Thunderbolts or, my personal favorite, the Gyro Heroes.

England – The Three Lions

Why just three lions? I mean I get why, because of their crest which is based off the royal family’s emblem or whatever they’re called, but it still seems so random. There’s eleven guys on the field last time I looked. But I guess when you convert the English system to metric (or vice versa) 3=11. Either way it’s a really odd name. Original, but fucking weird, man.

Suggested alternative: Rosbifs. This means Roast Beefs in French and I absolutely love this name. I read somewhere it’s what French people call English people, because they eat so much roast beef, I guess, I don’t fuckin know. But regardless, it cracks me up, every time I hear it. And here comes the starting line up for the English Rosbifs! Yea! Go Rosbifs! Do it, England, fucking do it!

Algeria – Les Fennecs

A Fennec is a desert fox. Ok, sounds good to me. Let’s move on, since I know like nothing else about Algeria frankly couldn’t give a fuck, either.

Suggested alternative: The fuckin Desert Foxes! Weren’t you listening? I said let’s move on!

Slovenia - The Dragons

Actually, according to Wikipedia, Slovenia doesn’t have a nickname, which makes sense because most people in the world couldn’t find this fuckin place on a globe if you offered them a million dollars to guess correctly. I heard them called the dragons on, like an ESPN blog or something so I’m just going to go with that, which sounds fine, I guess. I mean who can name one fact about Slovenia, just one single fact? Oh, right, they are a former Yugoslavian republican, great job, smart guy, real fucking clever one, you are. Fucking asshole.

Suggested Alternative: The Alpine Slavs. I came up with that name by looking up where this country was on a map. It’s by the Alps. So who the fucking smart guy now, huh asshole?

Germany – Die Mannschaft

Die Mannshcaft means The Team in German, and is easily one off the shittiest names in the World Cup (which is saying a lot). Anyway, besides just being stupefyingly dull, the German nickname also sounds like Man Shaft. Good job, jackasses.

Suggested alternative: The Sprockets. There’s a lot of names that come to mind when I think of Germany that are better than the Man Shafts, like the Huns, the Vandals, the Goths, the Nazis, pretty much anything, really. But only Sprockets would give them team an excuse to dance like Mike Myers’ SNL sketch of the same name after scoring a goal. NOW IST ZEE PART OF ZEE VORLD CUP VERE VEE DANCE!

Australia – Socceroos

Easily the best name at the World Cup. Perhaps the best name in the history of sports names. THAT’S HOW FUCKING GREAT THE NAME SOCCEROOS IS. ITS FUCKING PERFECT. Some people may think that Socceroos is corny, or juvenile. Well those people have shit for brains and were probably molested as children. It’s the best name ever and if you think differently well SHUT UP cause you’re wrong.

Suggested alternative: NONE – you don’t fuck with perfection.

Serbia – White Eagles

Well it’s no Super Eagles but I think it manages just fine as it is. We can’t ALL be super eagles anyway. Plus I like the additional adjectives to the nicknames. Some say it makes the name too cluttered and not succinct enough, but fuck those people in the ear, I say.

Suggested alternative: I was going to make a crude joke about the using the Scorpions, which was also the name of the military death squad that orchestrated the massacre at Srebrenica in Bosnia, but I’m far too classy to stoop to that level.

Ghana – Black Stars

Yes, I like this very much. Unique, authoritative, down right intimidating. Fuck with the Black Stars and you are in for a world of hurt. BET wished this is what people called their network. Ok, that was a miserable attempt at a joke. I’m pretty much just filling space anyway.

Suggested alternative: Black Asses. I dunno, I’m just stealing from the Chappelle bit. Black Stars is cool enough, no alternative necessary.

Netherlands – Flying Dutchmen

I had to look this up but the origin of the Flying Dutchman is a mythical doomed ship. Great, another fucking team named after a boat. At least this is plural. Anyway, love the orange unis (but not when theyr’e matched with black trim, like they are this year, and look like a fucking Halloween costume), but the name is pretty blah.

Suggestive alternative: Clockwork Orange. They’ve used it before (I read on wiki anyway) and sounds better because that movie was bad ass. I would also call them the pot heads, because everyone knows that what people from Holland are. All of them. Degenerate dope fiends. It’s true.

Denmark – Danish Dynamite

Another piece of crap. Sounds like something a middle school kid came up with. The other bullshit I’ve heard is Olsen’s Eleven, a play on their coach’s name and that over rated movie about famous people robbing casinos. Oooh wow that is so fucking clever. I’m sooooo impressed by you humorous Danes and your witty word play. Jagovs.

Suggested alternative: Grape Danes. This would also entail changing their uniform color to purple, and it’s one of the best ideas I’ve ever had and those fuckin Danish bastard better damn well do what I say.

Japan – Samurai Blue

Why samurai blue? Why not just the Samurais? Samurais are fucking bad ass. Everybody knows them and thinks they are awesome. And they come from Japan. So why change the legendary murderous soldiers into a fucking color? God damn Japanese people are fucking weird. Go watch some more tentacle porn and leave the team names to those of us who know what we are doing.

Suggested alternative: the Nintendos. Whats the best thing to ever come out of Japan in the history of the universe? Um, Nimtendo, duh. Certainly not your rolling death trap masquerading as cars, you devious slant eyed bastards. I’m on to your tricks.

Cameroon – Indomitable Lions

Have you noticed that African teams are much better than any other continent at picking team names (well except for Australia)? They’re always cool animal names, while Europe and South America just pick colors. Here is another fine example. ‘indomitable’ is a mouthful and kind of reminds me of someone asking, ‘hey, is there any chance those animals are not lions?’ and someone replying, ‘they are indubitably lions,’ but that is a minor gripe. NICKNAME APPROVED.

Suggested alternative: Some Fuckin Lions. None needed, we’re good here.

Italy – Azzurri

Blue, again, in Italian. Awesome. So once upon a time the Italian national team was playing and all the sportswriters could think to call them was, ‘oh yeah those blue guys’. Fucking embarrassing. Somewhere Enrico Polazzo is singing an opera in shame.

Suggested alternative: Guidos. So many other good slurs to choice from as well. Eyeties have the best slurs. Dagos, Wops, FLIDS, sweaty IROC-Z driving goombas. Eeehhhhhh, gabba goul? Ova hare!!!!

Paraguay – La Albirroja

The White and Reds. Groaaaaaan. The red and white vertically striped unis are all right but for fucks sake, show a little god damn creativity for once why don’t you? I mean I can’t think of one thing interesting about Paraguay (um, it’s the landlocked South American country that’s NOT Bolivia?), but you people fucking live there, you should be able to come up with something? No? Yeah, well, I guess not, huh?

Suggested alternative: Pair of Gays. Because that’s what the country name sounds like. GET IT? Yeah well I don’t know either, who the fuck has ever heard anything about Paraguay? Get a personality first and then we’ll talk.

New Zealand – All Whites

These New Zealanders sure get stuck on an idea don’t they? The All Blacks, although yet another jersey color referencing nickname, is still different enough, in that they add ‘All’ to it. So I guess what’s good for rugby is good for soccer. Fine, whatever, but nothing compares to the awesomeness that is the New Zealand basketball team name, the Tall Blacks. Hah, see I told you it was awesome. Also everyone from NZ is called a Kiwi, which is incredibly homosexual but hey, whatever floats your boat New Zealand.

Suggested alternative: The Hobbits. The Lord of the Ring movies and Flight of the Concords are the only thing from New Zealand that anyone’s ever heard of so might as well run with it. Now if they could somehow work Murray and the toothbrush fence into the name that would just be icing on the cake.

Slovakia – Fighting Jondas

I tried for an awfully long time (ok 3 minutes) to figure out what the fuck a Jonda was, but to no avail. I think it’s some sort of weird Slovakian conspiracy to never reveal the secret of the Jonda. In any event, I’m pretty sure it’s not Slovakian for a color, so that’s enough from me, you receive a passing grade also, Slovakia. NOW TELL ME YOUR SECRETS.

Suggested alternative: who fucking cares, nobody knows anything about Slovakia except that it used to be the ass end of Czechoslovakia. Well congrats, now you’re your own fucking country, and no one gives a god damn.

Brazil – Canarinho

Brazilian for little canaries. Oh, sorry, Portuguese. Whatever, no one cares. So the most successful team in World Cup history has a sissy name, but that’s fine, when your bad asses that beat asses badly like Brazil you can get away with it. Plus they make up for it by each player individually having awesome names. Like Fred. And Danny. So original!

Suggested alternative: Bossa Nova. I know that’s a kind of music and not soccer but so what, its still cool. Its totally boss, as some would say. Well, that’s what I say anyway.

North Korea – Choillima

Korean for a winged horse. Or as they’re known in my Dungeons and Dragons group, A FUCKING PEGASUS. I’m all right with this, even in wack ass Asian language stylings. Really, I just hope Kim Jong Il doesn’t execute the entire team after they get thrashed in the tourney. He’s a little unstable, I hear.

Suggested alternative: The Psychopaths. I’m pretty sure I won’t be the only one watching the North Koreans and expecting them to just whip out a hand gun and just start capping bitches in the middle of the field like in the beginning The Last Boy Scout. That movie was fucking sweet. But yeah, I’m hoping for some weird ass shit from this Korean squad.

Ivory Coast – The Elephants

Once again, an African team does not disappoint. I’m down with the Ivory Coast Elephants. I’m not all right, however, with this bullshit insistence on the French spelling and pronunciation. Guess what countries (and cities) of the world: you don’t get to decide how your name gets translated. Tough shit, deal with it, Ivorians. Every time some a Spanish speaker calls America ‘Los Estado Unidos’ I don’t get all huffy puffy and throw a tantrum. Likewise, I will never not translate Coat Devwar into English when I’m talking about your country. Conversely, props for the dope color scheme. Easily tops in the tournament. So I guess I’ll cut you some slack..

Suggested alternative: Witch Doctors. I’m actually fine with the Elephants, I just think it’s funny that the Ivory Coast team actually employs a fucking witch doctor. For real! What a bunch of savages!

Portugal – Selecao das Quinas

I think I read that this means the selection of the shields. Which sounds like a cool secret society to be in but is an altogether crap sports nickname. I like their color scheme, though, despite it making them look like god damn Christmas ornaments.

Suggested alternatives: Explorers. Corny, probably, but that’s what I think of when I hear of Portugal. You know, Magellan and all that shit. Incidentally, my Korean friend’s fantasy baseball team is called the Magellan Eaters. It’s funny because it implies that Koreans are bloodthirsty cannibals, and they are!

Spain – La Furia Rojo

Another dreaded color name, but I’m going to give them a pass because of the inclusion of THE FURY, which is a powerful and welcome addition to the usually flaccid and uninspiring euro names. I’d like to see an action movie where the bad ass protagonist tells the arch-villain to TASTE MY RED FURY, BITCH. You know that could probably pass for dialogue in a really raunchy porno, too. I should probably stop now.

Suggested alternative: Los Toros. I’d just assumed Spain would be all over the Toro or Torrero theme, mainly because their country is fucking ape shit for god damn bulls, but who am I to say if they’re more comfortable with the motherfucking furiousness.

Switzerland – Schweizer Nati

Everything about this team pisses me off. Their boring ass red and white color scheme. The fact that theyre literally called the Swiss National Team. Their bobo 1960’s pop art federation badge. Even their square flag pisses me off. Fuck you Switzerland. Lose every game and go back to your fucking mountains and sit on a fat neutral dick. Assholes.

Suggested alternative: Those Boring Helvetian Pricks.

Honderas – Los Catrachos

Wikipedia has some long ass explanation for what Los Catrachos means and its etymological roots, but I got bored and stopped reading (I think I’ve been on Wikipedia enough as it is). I did learn enough to know it doesn’t involve the jersey color nor the translation of the word ‘team’ so it’s all right by me.

Suggested alternatives: I don’t know anything about Honduras except that it’s in Central America and their inhabitants are called Onderanyos. So let’s just stick with Los Catrachos.

Chilie – La Roja

You fucking Chileans couldn’t let me end on a positive note, could you? You know what, Chile? You and that piece of shit town of Cincinnati can go get a room together and fuck each other’s miserable asses until they’re both as red as your stupid fucking team names. Although I will throw them a bone for also being known as El Equipo de Todos, or EVERYBODY’S TEAM! HOORAY FOR EVERYBODY!

Suggested alternative: Willies. Yup, I went there. The Chile Willies. Just be thankful I didn’t do a Con Queso joke. Either of which, by the way, is better than La Fucking Roja.

OK – I’m not the biggest soccer fan but I think this World Cup is going to be fucking sweet. Plus I love it when professional athletes walk in a line holding hands with little kids, and luckily for some reason god only knows, the World Cup has tons of that shit!

real fake cover to a real publication by a real mets blog

2010-01-18T20:38:00.000-08:00

its a hell of a thing killing a man

2009-11-11T16:22:00.000-08:00

ive been thinking about this scene in the movie Unforgiven a lot, because it is awesome, and also the Taylor Swift song You Belong to Me, because it is also awesome (fuck you yes it is).

I then tried to combine the two by rewriting the chorus to lyrics about killing a man, but I wrote way too many stanzas and I also fucked up the meter to the point where now I can't even tell which part of the song in which I meant to substitute these words. So now i just have this creepy poem about murder. so just pretend I'm talking about the Braves and thats why I'm blogging about it!

Have you ever to killed a man;

Held his life inside your hands?

Then you snuffed out that man's life,

Just like switching off a light?

There was a man now there is none.

He had a life and now it's done.

He'll never get to grow up old,

Cause his last tale has since been told.

So if you want to kill a man,

I'll show you the master plan,

You'll have to get both your hands wet,

If you want your wishes met.

Cause if there's bloodlust in your heart,

you want to tear a man apart,

Want to slice off that man's head,

Here's what you do to make him dead:

Just shove a knife into his guts,

open up what once was shut,

And ignore his cries and shouts

As you pull his insides out.

So now you've joined the club,

but of course there is a rub:

now you'll have to kill again,

because the cycle never ends!

The end.

Oh I just remembered what part of the song I was re-lyricing, its actually the bridge, after the guitar solo where Swift sings about that guy driving his car in the middle of the night to go see Taylor Swift and cry about a bunch of shit. Ok this all makes sense again. Tough to remember was the fuck I was thinking in the middle of class to be honest.

Anyway, fun times for all.

good job stupid yankees

2009-11-04T21:32:00.004-08:00

now the phillies are no longer world phucking champions. thank fucking christ. now all the yankees need to also get fucked.

hey i'm going to start writing about comic books here.

maybe when the mets dont suck so many dong rods i'll feel like writing about them some more. but right now, all i can think about is ROBOCOP! and the x-men and shit.

ok so, next year mets, keep your chins up. and braves, continue fucking off straight to hell.

terrible joke

2009-08-27T20:05:00.001-07:00

no one wants to play sega with jeff francoeur

2009-08-13T09:33:00.001-07:00

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JAM AND JELLY?

2009-04-24T22:58:00.000-07:00

LARRY JONES DOESNT ENJOY JELLYING DILDOS UP HIS BUTT.

http://twitter.com/hottfudge

Mo Vaughn's favorite movie is Paul Blart Mall Cop

2009-03-02T17:42:00.000-08:00

Oh gross I just ate a whole fucking box of thin mints and now I feel like Paul Blart and Mo Vaughn fucked and had a fat baby and that fat baby just took a fat dump and I am that dump. Fucking shit I still have 2 more boxes of thin mints and will probably do it all again tomorrow.

God damn it.

Faaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrt.

Hulu is the tits. straight up.

2009-02-23T19:27:00.000-08:00

Check it, you can watch ALL THREE ROBOCOPS.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Your move, creep.

ASSMASTER

2009-02-21T23:27:00.000-08:00

I have nothing to add except that if Marlon Anderson takes too many at bats this year I'm going to push for him to be also known as the Assmaster. For Marlon Anderson does indeed master that ass.

Carlos Beltran is going to kill Cole Hamels. LITERALLY

2009-02-18T19:27:00.000-08:00

It's super boring spring training time, which means it's time to trot out the lazy sportswriters hackneyed dip shit mailing-it-in storyfest. You might remember past hits such as "You're favorite shitty player is in the best shape of his life"! and "lame ass taunt of rival team taken lamely out of context"!

What makes Beltrans's comment noteworthy and so much better than the miserable "team to beat" bullshit asshole Jimmy Rollins started 2 fucking years ago is that he said he hopes the Mets kill Cole Hamels. LITERALLY THATS WHAT HE SAID. Carlos Beltran wants Cole Hamels to die and he wants the Mets to kill him.

Recognize muthafucka.

Cole "Fart Ham" Hamels' wife was also in the news recently when she stated "When I was five years old—I grew up in a very rural town in Missouri, and I had never even seen a black person—they asked us to draw a picture of ourselves in the future, and I drew myself holding hands with a line of tiny black stick figures. I've always wanted this."
Good job, Cole. You really know how to pick the ignorant, anorexic, dumbass, attention whores. Have fun with your brood of aids'ed up african orphans, Hamels family. God, want a couple of dumb fucks.

shut up, turds

2009-02-10T14:51:00.000-08:00

ooooooh, A-Rod used steroids. well who the fuck didn't? why is anyone still pretending like people care if baseball players used steroids in the 90's and 00's WHEN THE DIDN'T FUCKING TEST FOR IT?

So far the only people I can tell who are upset are boring sports writers. I mean these people are so boring, it's really no surprise newspaper's are fucked. Here is some boring piece of crap I read in the Washington Post today. Hey dude, shut up.

Oh look, stupid Boswell wants to give his boring opinion too. Hey, Boswell, check this out: shut up.

Oh and hey boring writers, every chug caffeinated beverages to help stay up late so you could hand in one of your boring ass stories? Oh you have? Wonderful, now fucking enough about stupid a-rod and god damn steroids.

Turds.

Oh and to answer Phillysucks' question about who would I rather eat dinner with, Big Pud or Shane Victorino, provided that bodily harm to either party is strickly prohibited, I believe I would pick Big Pud. I would pretend like I was Big Pud's friend and then I would go to bars with him and cock block him all night long.

Say, all of that reminds me, by the way, that Philadelphia is a festing bowl of dog snot. Do you think they would make a movie about AIDS and call it New York? No, no they wouldn't.

Abbreviated up butt jumping: Manny Ramirez jumps half way up GMDB's butt

2009-01-30T09:37:00.000-08:00

As the off season drags on and Mets fans start getting restless, the dumbos of the crowd all start clamoring for Omar to execute increasing dumber ideas, like overpaying for Man-Ram at the expense of other more pressing needs.

It's stuff like that that make Metsblog impossible to get into these days. This is the same place where you can still find Paul Lo Duca superfans, lurking in the comments, ready to pounce on anyone for making racist, anti-italian comments about baseball's greasiest piece of shit in baseball history.

Anyway, Metsblog is still a great compiler of Mets news and its run by good people and whatever but seriously, look at the results of those reader surveys. Fucking imbicility of magnitude proportions.

I get the appeal of Manny, and the Mets would definitely score more runs with him in the lineup, but the return on investment would not be as great as if they signed someone like Ben Sheets, or probably even Oliver Perez. First of all, Manny's horrendous defense needs to be factored in, wiping out a great deal of his value. Second of all, any pitcher signed not only adds the value they would contribute to the staff, but it also bumps an inferior pitcher, like Niese or someone equally crappy, out of the rotation. So there is a multiplying affect.

All right, I'm already getting bored with this discussion. Fuck it, I don't give a shit anymore. Here are 2 more Manny pic I made.

Hey how about a couple links to OTHER BLOGS? Sure why not.

This dude posted some pics of the end of Shea Stadium. Kind of sad but not really. I've got some great memories of Shea, but that stadium was also a real piece. One time I went to Shea for a my 8th birthday and a bird shat on my sneaker. GREAT STORY RIGHT?

The Cardinals can all get fucked with telephone poles, but this is pretty sweet. Well done St. Louisians. Now go back to being that fat stupid unimaginative redecks you are.

MOVIE TIME
Anyone remember the epic cinematic thunderstrike known as Fear, staring Marky Mark of the Funky Bunch? It's pretty terrible. I don't remember much of what it's even about but I definitely remember the scene where Markus Markovitch fingerblasts Reese Witherspooge while riding a rollercoaster. That actually made it into a hollywood movie. Can graphic depictions of OTPHJs be far behind? We can only hope.

Anyway that crappy movie was on HBO recently and I was lucky enough to tune in to the scene that featured this powerhouse alt-grunge-industrial-rock track:

Ah, the mid 90's. I can't wait until all my plaid flannel is fashionable again. Come on 2010's, let's get the 90's retro bus started!

And to even it out, here is a totally fruity song from the same era. What's this song about anyway, rape? Sounds like it's about a raping. That's fucked up, man. That song gets played at Bar Mitzvahs and shit. Don't play a rape song at Bar Mitzvahs. Come on!

OK I'm spent and it's Friday. Time to drink and watch the superbowl and drink. May all your SB parties involve this snack sensation or something equally fan-fucking-tastic.

touchdown

Non-baseball horsepucky: oh great, more fake katy perry lyrics. super.

2009-01-28T11:43:00.000-08:00

Katy Perry very well may be a stupid pain in the ass, as some would contend, but check this out, she's cute and has great big knockers, so pretty much everyone is going to put up with her no matter what.

Anyway, I like staring at her huge juggs and writing totally stupid fucked up lyrics to her songs. Here are 5 new stanzas to Hot N' Cold, that you can substitute in after the bridge, or as you fit, from this original set of fucked up fake lyrics to the song.

Now tickle my taint;
Spray me with your paint.
You know my slogan,
Plug me with hogan.

So open your jeans.
I want that lean peen.
The cream will careen
On me: a wet dream.

I lust for deep dick.
Take it slow, not too quick.
For kicks I turn tricks;
One clit or six sticks.

I clap as you slap
My trap on your lap.
I am splayed in twain
By your sausage train.

You'll break from your fast
To dine on my ass.
I moan and I gasp;
My butt, your repast.

Alright, way to go me. Yet not fully satisfied, I also penned these inspiring lyrics to Perry's other smash single success, I Kissed a Girl.

I'm a chick with terrible luck
Getting guys to do me
They never want to just plain fuck
They're always screwy
These guys ask, for weird shit
Might as well just play along
So since you, asked for it
You got it, fruity

I pegged a dude, with a strap on
Least he don't wanna be crapped on.
I pegged a dude, what do I care?
It's not what I often wear

It's just I feel
It's no big deal
That his butthole won't be sealed

I pegged a dude, with a strap on
A strap on

I met him through an online ad
I have few options
He wanted this to happen bad
So I indulged him
I put on, the harness
With the big plastic dildo
Then he bent, right over
I filled his asshole

I pegged a dude, with a strap on
Least he don't wanna be crapped on
I pegged a dude, why the fuck not?
Put it right in his coin slot

It's just I feel
It's no big deal
That his butthole won't be sealed

I pegged a dude with a strap on
A strap on

I don't think it means he is gay
Plus it is not my place to judge
Just as long later on he goes
Down on me, sloppily
That's what I call a fair trade off

I pegged a dude, with a strap on
Least he don't wanna be crapped on
I pegged a dude, it was great fun
Hope there is more once we're done

It's just I feel
It's no big deal
That his butthole won't be sealed

I pegged a dude, with a strap on
A strap on

Yes, I know I just spent several hours of my life writing a song that attempts to justify straight guys getting buttfucked. Such is the tortured life of a genius. Deal with it.

Oh yeah, and this guy is a total jagov

2009-01-27T19:54:00.000-08:00

It's been a busy football season (fuck you eagles), so I had kinda forgotten that this total piece of shit spurned the Mets in free agency to sign with the Fart-lanta Barfos.

Derek Lowe is a real son of a bitch, though he is also a pretty good pitcher and would have helped the Mets, who are, as of right now, counting on former Washington National superstar Tim Redding Rainbow/Railroad to hold down the number 4 slot in the rotation. Omar gave decent pursuit but didn't put up enough of the Wilpon's cold hard cash to woo Lowe away from the bright lights of Slutlanta, Whoregia, and the heaps of Liberty Media Corporation money thrown at him.

Good, fuck you, Derek Lowe. Have fun in stupid Fulton County you adulterous jackoff. Lowe really is an adulterer too. He was previously married to some poor woman named Trinka (yes, Trinka), who fathered two of his children. Here is a picture of the happy couple.

Lowe was unfortunately unable to keep his affair with worthless sideline "reporter" Carolyn Hughes a secret so Trinka divorced him and Lowe and Hughes got married. It's all there in his god damn wikipedia page. What treacherous swine.

Here's to hoping Lowe gets rocked in the nuts during batting practice so he can't infect the world with anymore of his defective genes. Derek Lowe, trashdick extraordinaire.

We are all Cardinals fans now

2009-01-23T10:27:00.000-08:00

I know it sounds weird to say, but it's true. How unbearable would things be of the Phillies AND the Eagles we simultaneous champions? It would fuckin suck bro, shit.

I always knew Kurt Warner was good for something. Now go home, McNARB, and eat your fuckin soup.

Not speaking of soup but pissing me off lately is Keith Fuckin Law. I enjoy reading what Klawman has to say about baseball very much, especially his ESPN chats, but his bullshit on his personal blog is really getting annoying.

Part of Keith's charm is that his seeming omniscience and utter contempt for those who don't know as much as him. Someone will have some dumb idea about the evaluation of a ballplayer and Klaw will shred him. It's fun. Even when he strays beyond his ken, like his post on the hypothetical mount Rapmore, and looks stupid, its still all in good fun.

Then Law goes ahead and trashes Watchmen and it gets personal.

The prejudice critique Law offers is so far beyond the pale it's embarrassing. The only thing I agree with is that no rankings of novels should include a comic book. It's like if Keith included a soccer player into his list of top 100 prospects. They're two different media (although Law would erroneously call comics a genre). Besides that correct assertion, nearly everything Law says about Watchmen is objectively wrong. I'm too lazy to go into to detail (just as it appears Keith was too lazy to actually read the book), so I'll just leave it with this: if that's what Law considers serious criticism then I think it's safe to say that every other critique he's made is also total bullshit as well (I wouldn't know, I never read any of those faggy books he has).

So anyway, very disappointing, Keith. I'll still read you on ESPN but your personal blog sucks a hairy bean bag. Get a fucking clue for once why don't you?

So that sucked.

2009-01-13T08:55:00.001-08:00

i dont even want to talk about it. vengeance will be extracted vis a vis the painful murder of the Philadelphia Phillies.

in the mean time, here is a Robocop rap, new original Robocop fan fiction and a picture of some mets fan with big tits in a bar.

DONOVAN MCNABB, GET RAPED BY HORSES.

Now is when all the effing eagles must effing die

2009-01-06T14:47:00.000-08:00

Some sports fans like it when their rivals get "good" playoff match ups, and say things like, "You know fellow Giants fans, this is going to be a tough game with the Eagles, but we beat a lot of good teams last year, and always on the road. And with this classic match up, you wouldn't want it any other way would you?"

Fuck yeah I would! Fuck the fucking Eagles. Fuck spelling out the name of your team in a cheer, fuck the color green and fuck McNabb, Brian Westbrook, DeSean Jackson and every other cockbiting asshole on that team that I can't stand.

I hope bad things happen to the Eagles. I hope their bus break down on the way up thier turnpike. I hope they get food poisoning, I hope they stub their toes, I hope their trainer accidentally knocks a bottle of liquid heat onto their jocks a la Revenge of the Nerds. And do you want to know why? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THEM TO FUCKING WIN NEXT WEEK.

So most of all, I hope Arnold Schwarzenegger puts on a ridiculous yellow and gray jumpsuit and hunts down every Philadelphia Eagle, summarily executing them in increasingly elaborate and cartoonishly violent ways.

EAGLES DIE.

GMDB Paramilitary Xmas Special

2008-12-24T09:03:00.000-08:00

This post was going to be about how the Easter Bunny contracted me to whack out Santa Claus but unfortunately somebody beat me to the job.

I do, however, have another personnel story for the yuletide that has nothing to do with Xmas but I'm telling it anyway.

So by now everyone has heard the story of how Greg Jones, DE for the Tampa Bay Bucuneers, was inspired by the Teen Wolf character to legally change his name to Stylez G. White.

This was especially awesome for me because I once met the athlete formerly known as Greg in High School. My dorky suburban school was hosting a wrestling tournament that included Stylez' alma mater, The Malcolm X Shabazz Audio and Visual TV Production High School and Career Academies in Newark, NJ. No I am not making that shit up.

Anyway, back in the stone age no one had cell phones in high school so everyone had to wait in line to use the 1 pay phone at my school. I needed to call home for some shit so pulled up next to the booth in our gym lobby to wait for an enormous black man to finish his convo. Dressed in MXS HS gold and black warm up gear (go dawgs!), I quickly noticed this fellow tourney entrant was in no hurry to finish his call. Eventually he turned to me and just started shooting the shit, asking me how I as doing, inspecting the report card I had on my hands for some reaso and relaying all this info to whoever he was talking to on the phone ("Damn, this dude's got like all A's and B's and shit. Hey, you must be some smart dude, huh? Shit.")

Eventually, Stylez goes "Oh shit, I think this dude is waiting to use the phone. Hey man, you waiting for this? Shit, my bad! Ha, and I was all checking out his report card and he's waitin to make a call! Ha ha!"

Stylez then hung up, said my bad again and I made my call. I watched him destoy a bunch of fatties in the heavyweight division during that tournament and then casually followed his career as he manhandled people on his way to a football scholarship to Minnesota. I didn't much keep up with things until I say this fascinating news item circulating the interwebs, which very much brightened my day.

So that's my Stylez, nee Greg, G. White story. What? I didn't say it was going to be any fucking good, did I?

In conclusion, if any family members try to use the holidays as an opportunity to confront you about your drinking problem, may I suggest the following course of action?

Happy fucking holidays, except to you stupid stupid Braves who can fuck off and celebrate X-mas in hell!

GMDB JUMPS UP YOUR BUTT: My famous balls of fame ballot

2008-12-16T18:27:00.000-08:00

Even though Omar's got the hot stove burning like a crack pipe at the moment I'm still not going to pontificate on current events, (do you plotz for Putz? HAR HAR HAR). What I will do is steal a page from the Geezer Newspaper Reporters' Fieldbook and rant about the 2009 Hall of Fame Ballot. I will go down the list and award my yea or nay accordingly. I'll even include comments on each candidate as a bonus. Score! And I will do so this without doing any research or looking up any statistics whatsoever because: 1) stats are for nerds, not jocktackular studs like me 2) I'm fucking lazy, duh.

Ready? Touchdown!

Harold Baines: I will say no, because his name reminds me of Harold Reynolds and I hate Harold Reynolds. Mostly because I passed out while playing MLB2K3 or something and woke up to terrible voice over by Reynolds on some awful never ending loop. Pretty weak reason to exclude a guy from the Hall of Fame but tough bananas, Baines. My blog, my rules. Get fucked.

Jay Bell: No, but there is an awesome picture of Jay Bell checking some teammate's oil somewhere on the internet. If I can find it by the time I post I'll put it up so we can all enjoy a good laugh at the site of Jay Bell sticking his hand up another man's asshole. Oh whoops, that awesome pic was Jay Buhner, not Jay Bell. Well fuck that, not you're definitely not getting my vote motherfucker.
Bert Blyleven: Yes - please vote this Dutch piece of shit in so I don't have to read any more articles about how he deserves to be in. Besides, we should be rewarding the Dutch for giving us their fantastic ovens.

David Cone: No way asshole. That's what you get for abandoning the Mets and pitcing a no-hitter for someone else. I don't care if you if we traded you, it's still totally mibs. David Cone, I sentence you to narfle the garthog!

Andre Dawson: I am sayimg yes here, even though he probably doesn't deserve it. This vote is mostly for nostalgic purposes as my earliest baseball memories involved being pissed at the Cubs and Dawson during the 80's. I have a soft spot in my heart for the men of baseball who first taught me how to hate.

Ron Gant: I like Gant and can remember seeing him at the '92 all star game, the only ASG I've ever seen live, but I will still say no, because I'm pretty sure he fucking sucks.

Mark Grace: Fucking pussy. No.

Ricky Henderson: Cha! a-duh! If for no other reason than for going into the clubhouse to play cards during a playoff game after he was subbed out. What a fucking crazy person. He also played for minor league powerhouses the Newark Bears. Who fucking doesn't love Ricky? I can't wait for his acceptance speech to go up on Youtube. Over/under for 3rd person references to Ricky: 1000. At least.

Tommy John: I remember reading something like Tommy John shouldn't go into the HoF, but his doctor should, since the guy who came up with the revolutionary elbow surgery that bears John's name contributed more to the sport then any single player. Ok, fine with me, what the fuck do I care? Put the fucking doctor in the Hall. Great. Too bad the bookies killed Doctor Farthing anyway. So he's dead.
Don Mattingly: I don't hate Mattingly nearly as much as I hate fuckin Jeter, but I'm still saying no, in hopes that his exclusion to the Hall will piss off Yankee fans. Fuck the Yankees.

Mark McGwire: Abso-fucking-lutely. Arguments to the contrary revolving around his alleged steroid use are total bullshit. Who fucking cares if he roided? Everyone did. You were a fucking sucker if you didn't roid in the 90's. They didn't fucking test for the shit! Get this man in the Hall and get of your sanctimonious cloud you fucking dipshits.

Jack Morris: No, but with the caveat of yes if would insure him getting in so we can end the fucking debate between him and Bert fucking Blyleven.

Dale Murphy: This man was a Brave and not that awesome so, no. But then again, his fake signature did adorn my little league baseball glove so based on that rock solid credential, yes, of course his belongs in the hall. Those who disagree with me, suck cock by choice.
Jesse Orosco: Whaaaa? How is Jesse Orasco on the ballot. I love the guy but sorry buddy, this is a negatory. If if Orosco is on the ballot, why the fuck isn't super-scab union breaker all star Rick Reed? A travesty if there ever was one.
Dave Parker: I really don't know anything about this asshole so no.

Dan Pleasac: Ditto.

Tim Raines: This is the guy who's cocaine vile fell out of his pocket while stealing second or something, right? Yeah, that's what I thought. Of COURSE he gets my vote. A no brainer, really.

Jim Rice: You'd think I'd vote yes with the same reasoning as I used for Morris and Berto - but guess what, you'd wrong. Dead wrong, muthafucka. I personally don't give a poop if this butthead gets in or not, but because infuriating piece of shit Red Sox fans always flood any decent argument about this guy with a bunch of god damn bullshit, I will vote emphatically NO. BOSTON ASSHOLES: FUCK OFF AND DIE.

Lee Smith: Saves are US News and World Report college rankings of reliever statistics. Everyone checks them first to see how someone rates, but when you get down to it, they don't mean fuck all. No.

Alan Trammell: Uh.... Yes? There is probably a nuanced analytical argument' either for or against that guy but because I have important things to do (masterbate) I don't feel like looking it up so I will say yes because... uh... I dunno, go away, leave me alone!

Greg Vaugn: Are you fucking kidding me? I think this is one of those guys who gets put on the ballot just so he can be publicly embarrassed when the whole world sees that not a single voter thought he was worthy of the hall. Well that's mean! So not for nothing, but you got my vote. Congrats buddy.

Mo Vaugn: YES YOU FAT FUCK

Matt Williams: NO YOU BALD ASSHOLE

Well, that's the whole ballot. Maybe if I had some some extra space I'd write in some sweet ass retired Mets. Like Butch Huskey. Anyway, according to my calculations, I voted for 43.8% of the eligible candidates who each have a 24% change of being elected and I have a 138% chance of getting drunk tonight.

Speaking of...

Alcoholic storytime
Last Saturday I didn't feel like going to some fucking house party that hired security and had a guest list so I took a cab home to enjoy some rot gut rum and some Tool CDs in the comfy confines of the basement of my suburban home. The party for one didn't go so well as my stomach full of Miller Lite found something disagreeable with he 20 odd ounces of Aristocrat and orange juice I tried chugging. So I threw up all over my basement bathroom for the second time in my life. Not something I'm proud of mind you. In fact, I'm pretty sure I popped some blood vessels behind my eyes I was yakking so violently.

And that is why I am a champion.
What I'm sorbing for dinner
A Tombstone pizza. Holy shit those cheesy frisbees are like mana from heaven. They remain, to this day, the only reason I have ever used an oven in my entire life. I also like to cut Tombstones with a pair of scissors. You think you have a better way to cut a Tombstone? Well fuck you.

NERDS NERDS NERDS NERDS
I recently bought the first collection of Ultimate Spider-Man comics and I actually wish I wasn't enjoying it as much as I am. I mean it is really quite enjoyable. Siiiiiigh......

Celebrity Guest Star Sabremetrical Analysis: IRON MIKE TYSONI'm just a dark guy from a den of iniquity. A dark shadowy figure from the bowels of iniquity. I wish I could be Mike who gets an endorsement deal. But you can't make a lie and a truth go together. This country wasn't built on moral fiber. This country was built on rape, slavery, murder, degradation and affiliation with crime. Despite the insistence to the contrary by his agent, Scott Boras, Oliver Perez's performance in the last 5 years has been merely pedestrian and not Sandy Kofaxian, as evidenced by his 'Fielding Independant Pitching' stats. I just have this thing inside me that wants to eat and conquer. Maybe it's egotistical, but I have it in me. I don't want to be a tycoon. I just want to conquer people and their souls.

Tales from the Bad MS Paint Crypt
CALLIN IT QUITS
Obligatory player not on the Mets who'd I'd like to see walk in front of a fucking bus
Cole Hamels. I'd like to show this mulletted sonofabitch some choking. And I mean his throat, not his chicken.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves
Look at these sick pedophiles and the baby's penis they drew on Brian McCann's bat. If you're going to lust after peen, at least you go draw full grown man penis on the equipment of your fellow pederast, instead of little tiny boy penis. Disgusting.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade
Kid N' Play's Class Act.

Blade Brown and Duncan Pinderhaughes, a modern day Rosencrantz and Gildenstern if there ever was one. Er, two. Were two. Anyway, point is, this is some brillant dialouge right here:

Duncan: Did you hear me? I said that was stupid.
Blade : Did you hear me? I said, "Thanks."
Duncan : Are you deaf?
Blade : [misunderstood as "def"] Man, I'm the defest brotha on this block!
Duncan : YOU'RE deaf?
Blade : [still misunderstood as "def"] That's right.
Duncan : [turns head] I think Blade Brown is the biggest asshole on the planet.
[Blade smacks Duncan upside the head]
Duncan : Hey! You're not deaf!

Hah, get it? Words sometimes have more than one meaning!

Mets related website that rocks it out like a champion
It's Mets For Me.

Check this out, dude curses, puts up silly pictures, makes a lot o comments on Amazin Avenue. It's like we are simpatico. Awwww.

Non Mets website that doesn't exactly make we want to barf my guts out
The Internet is terrible.

Trust me, if you enjoy any of the sick or weird crap that I write about on this blog you will LOVE The Internet Is Terrible. I mean want to tongue kiss your monitor it is so good.

Random Team Preview: Philadelphia Phillies
It's going to be tough playing next year after I've summon a volcano to erupt from directly beneath your stadium, smothering your entire team and fan base in molten lava! Burn in hell you Phillie bastards.
(too lazy to make crappy MS Paint of volcano blowing up stupid Philadelphia, but you can imagine, right?)

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women
Incubus

They maybe lame-ish now and I haven't really heard anything from lately that made me want to run through a fuckin wall, but their first album S.C.I.E.N.C.E. is wholly bad ass. They were also bad asses at Ozzfest '98. That particular Ozzfest was amazing for featuring Megadeth, Tool and Ozzy on the main stage, and Snot, Incubus and System of a Down on the second stage. Pretty fucking amazing. Also amazing was that I wasn't drinking at that point. Least I remembered it though, right?

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties
N'Sync Dirty Pop

If you're into fruity techno, you'll probably recognize this song has a lot of similarities to most tracks produced by the legendary Brian Transeau, and that is because BT indeed produced this record. And so that is why I unabashedly jam out to this one Insnyc song (sorry, I mean, *NSYNC, you queer).

And no I don't know what this manga nonsense is all about but it's no less queer than the original unembeddable video I assure you.

Robocop made up quote of the week
What is it the problem, is it because I am he, a dickless cyborg?

So that wraps up our fourth up butt jumping, and I think we can go ahead and rule out any schedule I may try to force myself to adhere to from here on out. I would seriously like to post at regular intervals but as soon as I set a time frame I instantly start procrastinating and then it becomes a chore, and fuck chores, no one tells me when do do chores anymore. No one, or so help my I'll slice you right in half by the power of greyskull.
grrrrrrrrr.....

Hooray for Frank-Rod

2008-12-09T19:23:00.001-08:00

so i'm going to be a little late with the jumping ups of the buttage again, so to tide us all over let's enjoy our Omar's signing of Krawd (I reject the K-Rod nickname, it's either Krawd or Frank-Rod for me) who I think looks like a sand person.

In other GMDB news, our South Korean corespondent Joe Vidosh, who sporadically posts as Shea Stadium, emailed me the SNL digital short 'Jizz In My Pants' saying it would be good to post. Well, everyone's already seen that shit and gotten sick of it by now so instead I'm going to post the other email Vidosh forwarded to me, originally from one of Joe's South Korean, um, friends.

I have affection for you forever.
I'd like to sacrifice for you with my everything without condition until death apart us.
I'm your rare expensive jewel.
you were lucky. our meeting was happened by the fate. even though it was in the market of one night stand, sex toy market.
my peppermint, kahula more gin vodka brandy
oh my cute hair band why tears in my eyes
no more sadness, you took my heart , oh baby

Holy shit, what a fucking disaster. Good luck with that Vidosh. And if you really want to see an awesome comedy clip with foul language than you should pay homage to the masters Bob and David.

GMDB JUMPS UP YOUR BUTT: Harris Smith is great man

2008-12-03T14:29:00.000-08:00

Hey look at that. It only took me 3 weeks to blow my first self imposed deadline. Oh well, good think no one tell me what to do. DO YOU HEAR ME? NO ONE!!!

Anyway, Harris Smith is, of course, the fake name Plaxico Burress gave to the hospital at which he sought treatment for his self inflicted gun shot wound. The story is of course, both pathetic and hilarious. Plax goes to a club the Friday before game he is not playing in because of a hamstring injury and proceeds to drunkenly fumble the 40 cal glock he has tucked into his sweatpants (sweatpants!) while being escorted into the VIP section of a Manhattan club, non-seriously shooting through his thigh.

The NY tabloids obviously had a field day. This is the type of story that people at the Post pray for during a recession. Burress has also been eviscerated by blogs and mainstream media alike. Mayor Mike also had a few choice words for Fake Mr. Smith, imploring the NYP to 'throw the book at this deranged gun toting psychopath," or something like that.

All this is to be expected. What I find despicable and cowardly, however, is other Giants fan's readily giving up on our man Plax, calling him a disgrace, a selfish player and a club house cancer. That is complete horseshit. Plax is a grade a moron, no doubt, but not selfish. But of course, Gaints fans pride themselves on having a clean program, whatever the fuck that means in the pros. Fuck all that. If Plax could get the charges dropped on a technicality and be medically able to play this weekend, I would be all for it. Fuck your whiney moralizing and holier than thou bullshit you dipshit "fans". Plax is a part of the Giants family, and if you're so eager to cut and run when one of your family members makes a mistake than you are disgusting piece of shit, unfit for life.

Luckily, despite suspending him for the rest of the season, the Giants organization, from the players to the owners, see things my way and have been stonewalling the police. I don't have the link because I'm lazy but there was a great quote from the NYP investigator about how pissed off he was at the way no one in the Giants was giving him any information. Good, get fucked, pig. It's not like some innocent bystander got murdered. A dude accidentally fucking shot himself. BFG, now fuck off.

Finally, Harry Carson, also a great man and bona fide G-man Hall of Famer, wants Plax to play for Big Blue next year. If you call yourself a Giant fan and want to argue with Harry Carson then maybe you aren't a Giant fan. God damn sons of bitches.

Alcoholic storytime
In the first few days of the summer after my freshman year of college I had foolishly convinced myself that I had this whole binge drinking deal figured out. Though I had only first gotten shit faced less than 2 years before that, I also had one year of college level alcohol abuse under my belt and was confident that I could spend a few months living in my parents house while keeping up the same lifestyle I had become accustom to with no serious negative consequences.

Boy was that stupid. It didn't take longer than the first weekend for me to come home from some party drunk (and by party I mean me and 4 friends drinking a 30 pack in someone's basement) and decide that 2 am would be the perfect time to raid my parents liquor cabinet and do some bonding with my older brother. My brother has never been a big drinker and so was completely sober when I handed him a bottle of Jack Daniels and said, "Hey lets get fucked up."

Being sane, my brother poured a small measure of Jack into a cup of ice and mixed in a good amount of Diet Coke. I, on the other hand, grabbed the bottle by the neck, titled it back and started putting bubbles into it. Things when dark soon after that but I do remember going to the bathroom, blinking my eyes anddiscovering thereafter that I had plastered ever inch of porcelain with vomit. Whoops. Then, while attempting to clean up my mess, I tried pulling myself up off the floor by grabbing on to a towel rack. That promptly snapped like a twig, sending my sprawling out onto my own puke and causing an awful racket.

Mr. Dynamo wasted no time sprinting down there stairs to beat the shit out of me. I didn't drink again all summer. But sober was driving was totally fun!
What I'm sorbing for dinner
Fuckin' Taquitos, bro. These things are advertised as 3 for the price of 3. Really? Awesome, I'll take six!
NERDS NERDS NERDS NERDS
So I was playing D&D with my brother, who is a dungeon master (I know, just stop there, right?) and someone had to roll 4D6, (that's four regular six sided die to you simple unlearned folk). The dude rolled a 1, 1, 2, 3, a very low and poor result. He was obviously disappointed until another player said, "Wait dude, that's awesome, you just rolled the first four numbers of the Fibonacci Sequence!" Many nerds proceeded to uproariously high five.

Celebrity Guest Star Sabremetrical Analysis: ODB
I'm into all assholes. I like it because it's tinier than a pussyhole. It's so tiny, it's tinier than a clitoris. When I get the feeling of licking a york peppermint patty, it's a sensation. Furthermore, despite being an overpaid, gimpy-legged, waste, Luis Castillo does actually provide some value in the lineup by being able to consistently put up an OBP over 360ish. Though his OBP+ is also consistently below average, this is skewed because OPS+ overvalues SLG, of which Castillo has none. In conclusion, I'm just lookin' for new girls to put babies in.

Tales from the Bad MS Paint Crypt
I didn't do this but it makes me laugh every time I see it.
Obligatory something that is awesome about the Mets
The Mets hosted the first sporting event after 9/11. Piazza hit an 8th inning bomb to help the Mets win a come from behind victory. If you weren't cheering for the Mets at that time then you are a godless communist sack of shit. Have fun getting fisted in hell you terrorist scum.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves
The Braves were playing in Mets in the first game after 9/11 and actually tried to win. What a bunch of goddless communist sacks of shit. Have fun getting fisted in hell you terrorist Atlantean scum.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade.
Airborne

A movie about the what happens when a laid back SoCal surfer has to spend a summer in Cincinnati with a bunch of fuckin hockey players. That would fuckin suck, bra!

Check out the 6:15 mark for some ooooooooold school Jack "Augie" Black. Also staring Rob Schnieder as a stapler!

Random Team Preview: Detroit Tigers
I'm not going to lie, I'm predicting a really rough season for the Tigers. I mean, Detroit is going to have some talented players on their roster, but it's going to be hard playing the entire season in a post apocolpytic wasteland.

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women
Tool - Jambi

HOLY SHIT I DON'T WANT TO EVER STOP LISTENING TO TOOL.

I could do with out this fuckin videos though, I'll be honest.

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties
B*witched - Cest La Vie.

Wow, I just now realized from watching the video that B*witched is 4 people and not 1. Also I have no idea what country this women are from. Judging from their accent I'd say either Scotland or Australia. Or maybe Wales. Or South Africa. One of those. Probably. Also Youtube says this video was made in 1998. I wonder what they look like ten years later. Whatever they do, chances are good I'd still B*ttfuck them.

Major Boobage
Fart Hammer. Best porno site ever. Look it up. A simple premise: a man has sex with a girl until he climaxes on her face. Immediately after he finishes spooging he turns around and shoves his butt in the girls face and a huge fart sound affect is played. BBBLLLTTTHHHTTHTHTTP. The result is comic gold. I think all things should be farthammer. I definitely named every fantasy team fart hammer for like 2 years and almost got the license plate FRTHMR. Seriously.

Robocop made up quote of the week

Well, maybe not the best Up Butt Jumping evar, and certainly not the most timely. But what do you expect? I'm a very important man with a lot of masterbating to do. In conclusion: PLAX > SEAN TAYLOR

Oh crap, thanksgiving was yesterday, wasn't it?

2008-11-28T10:00:00.001-08:00

So I forogot that yesterday was Thanksgiving and that I was supposed to make some trite post about how thankful GMDB is for readers and stuff like that. Well that's true, we are, but who the fuck reads this crap for sentimentalities? Pfff!

I would, however, like to thank our creator and Heavenly Father, God Almighty, for continually failing to answer my prayers to smite the Atlanta Braves. Thanks, God. Really, thanks a lot. I'm so glad you haven't yet stricken down the Atlanta fucking Braves in a fury of righteous anger. That's just fucking great. Keep those fuckers around but blow up a couple space shuttles. Yeah, smooth move, GOD. I mean, by all means, don't send a perfect bunch of assholes straight to hell, but assfuck a bunch of do-gooding astronaughts, that makes perfect fucking sense to me! And while I'm at it, thanks a whole fucking lot for making me allergic to dogs. That was REALLY fucking cool of you, God. You're a real fuckin' pal you know that? Canceling Deadwood was probably your idea too, wasn't it? Well thanks a fucking bundle. You really know how to weild that supreme fucking power of yours, God, ye old King of Kings, Lord of Lords and Light of Salvation! HOLY SHIT, I AM SO GOD DAMN THANKFUL YOU ARE UP THERE LOOKING OUT FOR ALL OF US, GOD. SO FUCKING THANKFUL. Being so gracious and merciful, I REALLY hope nothing horrible happens to you, GOD, like, say, your only child getting tortured to death!! That would just break my fucking heart!!!!

*pant, pant, pant*

*siiiiiiigh*

Well then, who wants turkey sandwiches!

GMDB JUMPS UP YOUR BUTT: Chase Utley is going to hell when he dies

2008-11-25T14:22:00.000-08:00

Injuries to all stars are always big news, which is why it's no surprise that Chase Utley's recent trip to the operating table was reporting in many a Mets blogs. This makes sense, considering the Phillies' WS title and past 2 division title have recently supplanted the Braves as P.E. #1 in many Met's fans eyes. Fine, I'm never dropping the Braves hate, but at the same time, I would like the attitudes for discussing this injury to change a bit. I'm talking about baseball fans' informal taboo against rooting for rival team's players to get injured.

Maybe it's baseball's, wimpy, pastoral nature, but what the hell is the big deal about rooting for famous millionaire's to suffer non-career threatening injuries? They're still rich, they still have sweet lives. Fuck 'em. They'll get better and then they'll be back to having way sweeter lives than you and hitting HRs against the Mets in no time. Why can't I enjoy their misery for now?

I know there are plenty of people out there that secretly do, but it seems whenever some sweet ass injury to some jagov like Chipper Jones comes up, all the blog commentors rush to see who can be first to claim the high moral ground of "you never root for a guy to injured..." well F that in A, not me. I am actively rooting for players to suffer injuries and not play. I want the Braves to be totally shitty and if that means Brian McCann has to spend a few weeks taking antibiotics because of a staph infection, then good. As they say, "no sweat off my sack, bro."

So anyway, Sorry for your injury, Utley, but actually not sorry. I don't hope you ACTUALLY die but other than that, fuck you and fuck your success.

Alcoholic storytime
I knew a real drunk in college who I'll just call V-Beers for the sake of the story, because, well, that's what everyone called him.

V-beers had a tremendous thirst for beers, usually either Icehouse ot Natty Light. He's the type of guy who would go out drinking and wake up face down in the snow outside his house, his life saved from hypothermia only by the high level of alcohol in his blood at the time.

Anyway, one day V-Beers ran for president of the fraternity. This was a horrible idea but the president gets free rent int he house and cable as well. So when V-Beers didn't win he got pissed and locked himself in his room. I think we tried to check on him or something but there wasn't a lot of what you'd call empathy among the collection of assholes our fraternity assembled. So no one had heard from him for a few days until we get a call from some guy in the Sigma Chi house. It went like this:

"Hey you know this guy V-Beers? Yeah, well you you better come fucking pick him before he gets the shit kicked out of him."

Apparently V-Beers had snuck out of the fraternity with a bunch of beers and just spent the last week or so drinking and driving around town. Eventually he drove up the lawn of the Sigma Chis, walked into their house, gathered up all the text books lying around and started pissing all over them. I don't know why they didn't fucking rock V-Beers' face for that but when we did pick him he was no worse for the wear except for a slightly torn shirt that may or may not have happened after he started pissing on all the Sigma Chi's shit.

I guess the moral of this story is if you get the desire to go piss on a bunch of other people's shit, why not go to the Sigma Chi fraternity, as they are obviously a bunch of huge pussies.

What I'm sorbing for dinner
A Subway sandwich and... a Subway sandwich. And aybe also a Subway Sandwich. mmmm... big bready sandwiches with meat kept in trays with creepy lids.

NERDS NERDS NERDS NERDS
I waste a lot of time on Wikipedia, just farting around and looking up random crap. Some of my friends don't appreciate it so much and call me a dork because of it. One time I din't answer my friend JP's phone call so he wrote an email to a bunch of my friends saying I couldn't take his call because I was too busy looking up the history of the bagel on Wikipedia. This is why I hate JP.

Anyway, being a wikiphile probably does make a me a big dork but often it is useful in revealing come choice nuggets like this: "concluded the first official report to Her Majesty's government, 'it is impossible to imagine any human beings lower on the scale of civilization than are the Andaman savages.'"

Obviously I immediately thought about the Braves when I read that.

Celebrity Guest Star Sabremetrical Analysis: Jeffery Jones
"So far this semester he has been absent nine times. NINE TIMES. Congratulations to Carlos Beltran for winning the 2008 Feilding Bible Award for CF. Carlos Beltran you truely are totally awesome."

Tales from the Bad MS Paint Crypt.
Club Beer Party is dumb ass names my friends started calling the occasions where we play a bunch of beruit and get drunk for no reason. It's pretty dope. And exclusive. So exclusive, in fact, that we have recently restricted membership to no one, including myself. When I was in it though, I killed some time one day and made this awesome Club Beer Party logo. Gnarly, no?

Obligatory something that is awesome about the Mets.
Butch Huskey is mountain of a man who will come to your house and eat your dinner.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves.
Speaking of Brian McCann, he has a disgustingly creepy flesh colored neck beard, a la Spencer Pratt. Shave off that filthy shit you savage.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade.
Mom and Dad Save the PlanetThere's really nothing I can do to explain this movie, except that the combination of Jeffery Jones and Jon Lovitz is a joy for all of society to treasure. There are a couple good bits in the movie, like the 'Light Grenade' and Kathy Ireland in her prime, but yeah, it's pretty fucking awful. But it was on a lot so I fucking watched it so fuck off.

Fantasy Baseball Advice
Michael Young is a piece of horseshit. Never draft or trade for him. Uh, yeah that's it. Yeah this topic totally sucks.

Stupid Baseball Tradition that sucks and should just shut up and go to hell
Tim McCarver being employed. He is a real piece of god awful orange hair dying piece of shit. He makes Joe Morgan look like a Rhodes Scholar. How he is still employed can only be the result of some sort of powerful yet unknown inertia, perhaps like the dark matter that keep the universe expanding away from itself.

If firing Tim McCarver means reversing this process and having the cosmos collapsing upon itself and ending the entire space-time continuum, I think it's definitely be an option worth considering.

Mets related website that rocks it out like a champion
My Summer Family. This is run but super cool blogatrix The Coop, who likes to curse and hate on other teams. Sounds good to me!

Non Mets website that doesn't exactly make we want to barf my guts out
Bad Braves Fan. Despite not making new posts since March, we still get some site traffic directed our way from Grimey's links to GMDB. Also Grimey is a pretty funny dude, despite his disgusting proclivities for baseball times from Atlanta.

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women
I see no sooner did I publish Jumps up Your Butt's first iteration did BDD steal my idea of using tool as a kick ass video. And so out of spite, I'm picking tool, AGAIN. also because tool is the fucking tits and I've set my itunes to play nothing but tool for the last 3 weeks or so. (The 'rare magical homeless dago' in the Deadspin post was a great line though. I can see Big Pud picking that as his new profession in a couple years).

So this week it's Hooker with a Penis.

A song about some fan being mad a tool for selling out, and MJK telling this fan to go fuck himself with a coat rack. Once I became a successful television sit come writer, I'm going to try and sneak tool lyrics into the shows whenever possible. So like when it comes time for the annoying old dad to impart some lesson on the dumb ass son he'll say "Well, now, I've got some AD-vice for you little buddy." And then millions of Americans will have been subliminally urged to go listen to a song called Hooker with a Penis. TOUCHDOWN KEN DYNAMO.

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties

Aly and AJ's Potential Break Up Song is a fun little pop ditty by two pretty hot though probably underage chicks. I went to go look up their ages on wikipedia (obviously), and what do I find out but that they are home schooled and don't believe in evolution.

I can't think of anything more boner killing than Creationlist ideology.

I was in a seminar in college with a super hot chick and when the topic of evolution came up this dumb bitch couldn't help herself but to proclaim to the entire class "Well you all know that with recent advances in science that the theory of evolution will be BLOWN OUT OF THE WATER SOON." The emphasis is mine but this is exactly what she said. She really wanted us to know the 'truth' too. If only we ignorant lost souls would keep up with the science journals, we too would be enlightened as too how Darwin was a fraud.

Bottom line, if you think the earth is 6,000 years old or less you should be euthanized. Fucking savages.

Major Boobage
Yeah I won't lie, this is just a link to meat spinners. Maybe one day I'll actually link to some hot tits but I just love a good meat spinner joke. My favorite is sending out the one cell phone locater bit to a bunch of friends one of them simply responded "You know you can just go right to meatspin[dot]com right?" Revolting.

Robocop made up quote of the week
"As he my old coach would say it: everywhere there are they, the blind squirrels, nutting on each other."

Well, I hope you enjoyed round 2. It took longer to to post than I wanted but it is a holiday week so tough titties. Also I really don't feel like proofreading so I'm afraid there are bound to be some atrocious typos herein. WELL OK THEN BYE.

GMDB Jumps up Your Butt: Foil-Embossed Hologrammed Glow-in-the-Dark First Issue Collector's Item

2008-11-18T12:10:00.001-08:00

When trying to think of a good format for GMDB's reboot, I thought to myself, say, why don't I just rip off Big Daddy's Drew's Dick Joke Jambaroo? He's funny, people enjoy his work, and like Big Daddy Drew, I also enjoy sports, alcohol, music and naked boobs.

Then I thought, you know what, that wouldn't be me ripping BDD off, that be me ripping MYSELF off. Case in point, one of BDD latest jokes about excessive drinking where he says: hey, if 15 drinks makes me feel this awesome, then OF COURSE another 5 beers beers can only make me feel that much MORE awesome! How can me writing that be ripping BDD off when I've already been saying that for years? MOREOVER ITS NOT A JOKE IT IS TRUE.

So if some of this shit looks familiar to something you've seen before but massively less funny, its because I'm copying the Jambaroo format and then making the same pathetic jokes I have been making my whole life that just happen to sound like pale imitations of jokes you've already heard on KSK multiple times. Though one thing you won't hear from me are any of the Father Knows Shit jokes that BDD makes about his family. Fuck that, why would you get married, dude? Having a wife is so gay. Queer.

Anyway, just so you don't feel like your getting totally gypped in the opening rant, here is something totally new that I made up myself and if anyone says otherwise they are a rotten lying sack of dogshit. It's an idea for a new show on TLC. It involves two clowns who use invitro twice and end up with 8 fuckin kids. Then then exploit their children by shoving them in front of cameras all day for some terrible TV show, only to see it end in tragedy when their minivan full of offspring gets hit by a bus. It's called Jon and Kate Plus 8 Minus 3.

Alcoholic Storytime
So when I moved into my first apartment after graduating college and was finally completely unfettered from the shackles of parental dependence, I was overcome with the near limitless possibilities of ways to completely waste money when my financial resources were being held accountable to no one but myself. Combining that and a high speed internet connection meant it was clearly only a matter of time before I got drunk and subscribed to a bunch of internet prono sites.

Now I did this a few times only to cancel the next day out of regret before I finally did this while completely blacked out. It wasn't until I looked at my monthly credit card bill that I realized I was being charged $20 a month for something called ccbill.com. Luckily that charge also came with a toll free number so I called up with the intention of canceling whatever perverted shit it was I had signed up for. Once I got an operator on the line the conversation went more or less like this:

Me: Yes I'd like to cancel whatever it is I'm getting billed every month for. Can I give you my credit card number so you can look me up?
Operator: Certainly, if you can just tell me your username and password.
Me: Sorry I have no idea what those are. I have my credit card number that's getting charged, though, can I give you that now?
Operator: Well if you just give me your user name and password I can look up your whole account for you.
Me: No you see I don't know what those are but I have my credit card bill with this unknown charges on it and I'd like to have it stopped. So... how about I give you that credit card number, now?
Operator: Ok well if you can look up your user name and...
Me: OK WELL HERE IS MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER - PLEASE CANCEL THIS RIGHT AWAY PLEASE THANKS. [I read off my number]
Operator: Right, well I've been able to look up your account based on that information. Now, How can I help Mr. Sorb?
Me: What?
Operator: Your account was activated by a Mr. Sorb, actually it is... Sorb Sorb. First name and last. So how may I help you Sorb Sorb?
Me: JUST CANCEL THE ACCOUNT.
Operator: Allright, your account has been terminated Sorb S-
ME: GREAT THANKS BYE.

And I've been sorbing up pornography ever since. The End.

What I'm sorbing for dinner
Most likely a microwaved Chef Boyardee lasagna is a heavy cheese sauce, complimented by several handfuls of frozen peas, topped off by a leftover bag of Sunchips purchased 3 days ago at Subway. Bone appetit!

NERDS NERDS NERDS NERDS
Battlestar Galactica is one of the top 5 dramas ever to be broadcast on TV, (along with The Wire, Deadwood, Sopranos and Mad Men - no other opinions appreciated thank you that will be all), but will never get it's due because it has the name Battlestar Galactica and it involves spaceships. THAT IS RACIST. YOURE ALL A BUNCH OF GOD DAMN RACISTS. Frack all y'all bitches.

Celebrity Guest Star Sabermetrical Analysis: Featuring James Vanderbeek!
"I don't want.... YER LIFE! Futhermore, despite several sportswriter's sentimentalities and protean definition of 'valuable', Albert Pujols' 66 POINT advantage in OPS+ over Ryan Howard precludes any other argument to the contrary that Pujols should be this year's NL MVP. For once, conventional wisdom by the BWAA aligned with that of the sabremetrical community. Kudos, gentlemen."

Tales from The Bad MS Paint Job Crypt.
This one is from the GMDB vault since I've already spent way too long on this post and haven't the strength to make a new one, even though they obviously only take like 5 minutes. Hey Ryan Howard, Pujols just screwed you in the pooholes! Tee hee.
Obligatory something that is awesome about the Mets.
John Franco had lazy boy recliner installed next to his locker just to make fun of Barry Bonds for doing the same.

Obligatory something that is terrible about the Braves.
Up until 2003, Atlanta had a law on the books prohibiting inter racial marriage.

Movie I enjoyed, mostly because it was on HBO ad infinitum when I was in 5th grade.
You think Andrew Stephens and Shannon Tweed ever got sick of all the simulated sex they had to have? All that grindage and no release. Kind of like dance parties in high school (who didn't see that punchline coming?)

Fantasy Baseball Advice
I don't have any, I totally suck at fantasy baseball. What a terrible category I chose to comment on. Here's my advice: play in a league that has very strict waiver wire rules so you don't miss out on picking up every good player because some asshole carries his laptop around everywhere and gets fantasy alerts texted to his phone. Who does that shit, anyway? Buttcakes, that's who.

Stupid Baseball Tradition that sucks and should just shut up and go to hell
Most traditions of any sort are stupid and serve no discernible purpose. Baseball is no exception as it's chock full of dumb traditions that serves no purpose other than to give Bob Costas something annoying to complain about. Here's one I would get rid of: Managers in uniforms.

How humiliating for those old fat geezers? Even more ridiculous is when they wear the dugout jackets and then walk around in those tight ass game pants. The managers are also usually the last people on the team to still wear stirrups. Please, for chrissakes, let these fat old men dress like their age for once.

Mets related website that rocks it out like a champion
It's no secret that I have a raging mega-huge blogger boner for Amazin Avenue. Half of the stuff I write about (ok, like 90 percent) comes from a link that E-rock Cymon found first. You are my favorite, Amazin Avenue, forever and always. Hey, maybe for Valentine's day I'll just dress up Amazing Avenue like a girl and take it out to dinner. I think we'll go to Hunan #1. Then later I can share my duck sauce with it. Wow, this went South in a hurry. Sorry, but there's no changing it now, that would be against GMDB strict no-proofreading policy. Deal with it.

Non Mets website that doesn't exactly make we want to barf my guts out
I don't know how many more of these kind of websites I'll be able to uncover but I wanted to give a shout out to The Fightins, they who gave us the video of the little rioting Philly girl. I started reading more of that blog and couldn't really find anything that made me totally want to vomit my brains out in disgust. Way to go dudes. Now if only these powers of yours could somehow be harnessed for the forces of good and righteousness.

Random 2009 Team Preview: The Atlanta Braves
The Braves new GM, Frank Wren is going to have his work cut out for him this offseason when trying to fill some major holes the Braves have both in their starting rotation and in their outfield.

After exhausting all potential internal options, look for Wren and the Braves to hire some sort of voodoo priest to scour German cemeteries in an effort to reanimate the corpses of dead Nazi commanders to fit in with their organizational tradition of employing genocidal zombie cannibals. If that fails, Wren has stated that his will examine the rolls of all registered sex offenders in the greater Atlanta metro area.

Video for Straight Dudes who Aren't Gay and Fuck Women: Tool Vicarious

How's this for some dominant lyrics?
Blood like rain, come down
Drum on grave and ground

Now that is a touchdown.

The rest of the lyrics kick it up your ass too. Lead guitarist Adam Jones also said that the time signature of this song is something like 8.5/6. Tool, please be welcomed as planet Earth's deserving new supreme overlords.

Video for a Big Homo Dance Parties: Le Click Call Me

Is there a more homoerotic scene then 30 some high school football players changing into thier jocks, girdles and tight tight pants while all singing along to this mid 90's dance hall classic? Why yes, when one of them gets up on a bench and yells "Hey everyone, check out my nuts!" Not that I know anything about such a thing ever happening.

Major Boobage
I know everyone here knows how to look up that sweet sweet pr0n on the internets, but I've uncovered a rare gem here that I doubt you've ever seen before. Obviously beware that it is definitely not safe for work, but on the other hand, maybe you're going to lose your job in the economic vortex of misery we currently experiencing, so you probably owe it to yourself to click through, anyway. Behold.

Robocop made up quote of the week

"My friends used to call me, Murphy, but now, I too shall be the one who is called Dick Titties."

Well, that's it for now. Who knows how long I'll keep up this program but I think it at least has some potential. Potential to totally suck a fat peenus! OH BURN.

This seriously can't wait. Also GMDB site news update

2008-11-13T08:24:00.000-08:00

Site news first: I'm planning on consolidating the posts I'm doing from a whenever-I-get-around-to-it schedule to one-super-sweet-awesome-post a week. I'm thinking this dope shit will drop on Tuesdays, because nothing cool happens on Tuesday (NOT YET ANYWAY! HAHA!) and also cause of nostalgia for the old Q104.3's two for Tuesday classic rock blocks. You know what passes for classic rock these days? Nirvana. That's fucking bullshit.

Anyway, the crap that can't wait until later even though I've already posted once today revolves around pop star Katy Perry's excellent Hot N Cold.

First, enjoy the original video.

Katy Perry is smokin hot and sings some totally alright pop songs but I just have this weird feeling that she'd be a real bitch to date. Like, you're trying to decide where to eat one night and you're like, hey, how about Chinese? And she'd be all like You don't want chinese, you hate chinese, no you want to try the new vegan raw bar because you want to start eating healthier. and then when you say no thanks to that she yells I don't understand why you make such a big production out of everything there's no need for that kind of attitude why dont you take some time to think about what you just did! and then she'll stop having sex with you for a week, at least.

I dunno, maybe it's just me.

Right, so, I wrote these amazing fake lyrics to the chorus of Hot N Cold and I just couldn't wait to share them with everyone. Like I literally am not able to do anything else until I type all this out.

HEY! WHY NOT SING ALONG?!

refrain

Cause you're hot then your cold,
Your cock, I grab hold,
You push it up in,
'Round it I will spin.

You're ready to go,
Increase the tempo,
I cum: crescendo,
You play nintendo?

(you) You don't really want to stay, no
(you) But you don't really want to go-o

You mash on my gash,
I twang on your wang,
You jam in my clam,
I rock on your cock,

refrain

Cause I schlob on your knob,
And swallow your balls,
I lick your stiff prick,
Lipstick on your dick,

You rip through my tits,
Explode on my globes,
Grope both my flesh slopes,
Spray your frozen ropes.

(you) You don't really want to stay, no
(you) But you don't really want to go-o

You rub on my nub,
I yank on your crank,
You spluge down my luge,
I squirt on your shirt.

bridge

Cause you've savaged my ass,
Gave you a dirt 'stache,
Don't quit the sick shit,
Spit on my biscuits.

My buns you did spank,
Drank from my piss tank,
Spelunked my pink cave,
Nothing's too depraved.

Now nut on my butt,
And sperm in my perm,
I goad your fat chode,
To blow the whole load.

Now chew my roast beef,
Let your teeth sink deep,
Freak between my cheeks,
Cream on my twin peaks.

(you) You don't really want to stay, no
(you) But you don't really want to go-o

Now plow through my fields,
And zest my orange peels,
Our fluids congeal,
Tenderize my veal.

And.... TOUCHDOWN.

Phillie fans are brutal savages. I have proof.

2008-11-13T08:15:00.000-08:00

The video on this page contains proof for what we all know to be true: Phillie fans are brutal, sub-human savages. Gaze in wonder as some little Philly fan girl takes the windshield of a news van and beats it the fuck in with her little foot, then a huge ass cop takes her ankle and beats it the fuck in with his huge ass nightstick. Then the Phillie fans start chanting 'fuck the police'. God damn savages in that town. Seriously, if you ever find a Phillie fan who has not dined on human flesh in the last 24 hours you have found a rare beast indeed.

These maniacs should be put to sleep, f'real.

Folks, what are we going to do about Luis Castillo?

2008-11-07T11:48:00.000-08:00

When Omar made traded for Luis Castillo in the midst of the 2007 season, the general reaction in Metsland was a collective, 'Meh.' It paled in comparison to the ruckus raised by the Braves' Teixeira deal, but all the Mets gave up were, uh.... some fucking guy and, uh.... some other fucking guy, so no big whoop.

The following offseason, Omar rewarded Castillo pedestrian half season prefomance with a four year, $25m contract, beating out probably no one for the privilege of having Castillo's services at second base for the next 4 years.

What the fuck man. One of Castillo's leg's is shorter than the other. That's fucked up. He walks around like Grandpa Biff Tanner. Crag Brown at THT explains the boneheaded signing with science (thanks to AA for the link).

So I ask you: folks, what are we going to do about Luis Castillo?

In other news, I've been criticized for more often then not making jokes at the expense of the homosexual community. Well, let it not be said that I am now still no longer a friend to the gays.

What I mean is I recently bought this CD:because, I mean, well just look at it. It's amazing. Anyway, I googled what the shit it's all about and its defintiley a huge, ass-themed, gay club in Times Square that decided to put out an album of terrible, terrible house music. I mean this CD sucks. I guess if you're downing vodka-GHB cocktails all night a bunch of lame ass bleeps and bloops with no decernible hooks or melodies is what you're in to, but, christ this was boring.

So yeah, check me out, supporting New York's GLBTs. I hope you enjoyed my 8 bucks, assmen. That's two Miller Lite's I won't be enjoying this weekend.

GMDB SPECIAL POLITCAL POST!!!!

2008-11-05T08:49:00.000-08:00

Hah, psyche! Politics are the fucking worst. I'm not wasting any more time going over any of that bullshit. Check out what I did vote for though:
I also voted for turning all of Atlanta into one great big fucking lake. Learn to swim, assholes.

TOOL > ELECTIONS

GMDB EXCLUSIVE: Big Pud's 2008 Halloween costume. Also a picture of Jimmy Rollins drinking Shane Victorino's piss

2008-11-04T11:37:00.000-08:00

Look, Paul Lo Duca dressed up as a stupid moron for Halloween. What a faggot.

And Jimmy Rollins about to consume Shane Victorino's urine. I bet he's all like "Aaaah, this is so refreshing! I LOVE PISS!"

Special election day bonus political commentary from Carlos Rogers: "Hey, like a lot of people said, one president gonna stick it up your butt, the other one's gonna stick it further in the butt, so it don't matter, man. Whatever happens, happens. That's something we can't control."

I have to agree with Rogers even though he is a stupid stupid Redskin. Look, if you've convinced yourself that your one vote can possibly make a difference, then by all means, go fucking vote, just don't give me shit because I know mine won't.

Congratulations!

2008-10-30T07:34:00.000-07:00

A hardy congratulations to the NEW JERSEY NETS for winning their season opener against the Washington Wizards! An no congratulations to the Phillies for being a bunch of fart sniffers.

I acknowledge but one positive thing ever to come out of the city of Philadelphia:

I hope those morons riot for weeks.

3 innings, 9 outs, 1 dream, countless buttheads

2008-10-29T13:33:00.000-07:00

Tonight, the Phillies try to end Philadelphia's 25 some odd year championship drought in the 4 major North American sports. I, like most of America, will be desperately cheering for the Rays, because fuck Philadelphia, that's why. You had your moment to shine back during the Constitutional Convention, now quit whining and accept your fate as an also-ran and get in line somewhere between Bismarck and Charlotte on the list of American ctities of importance.

Also fuck the Eagles. Especially McNarb. Now check out this sweet jack o'lantern I made:

Now when trick or treaters stop by they will see my pumpkin and then realize that the Eagles do indeed suck. Check it out at night:

Oooh, impressive, no?

Now, Rays, please help prolong the agony of the entire generation of Philadelphians who do not remember a time when one of their favorite teams was a champion. The citizens of our nation are counting on you.

C'mon Rays, you stupid Rays!

2008-10-28T08:27:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the shitty weather in Philadelphia (I can't think of a good derogatory pun for Philadelphia, by the way. Just another thing that infuriates me about that city), the stupid jagov Phillies are about as close as you can be to winning a world series without actually being in the middle of a game. We have the stupid jagov Rays to thank for this. Thanks a lot Rays, you assholes. Hey, they're just like the 69 Mets, except they are going to fucking blow it like chumps instead of being champions like the Mets!

All this makes me think of how absurd it is that basebal teams pop champagne and wildly celebrate after winning each series. How fucking retarded is that? And because they celebrated advacing to the finals only to now be on the brink of choking like jackasses, I am forced to take picture of the Rays celebrating and MS Paint in a bunch of penis to make them all look gay.

Sorry Rays, you brought this on yourselves. Link not safe for work, dummies.

In a mostly unrelated note, did anyone watch last Sunday's Entourage? I still watch it, even though it's boring, predictable and totally retarded, but this week's episode shockingly takes the cake (the cake made of shit). None of the characters in Entourage ever deal with conflicts or suffer consequences yet never before have the lazy, inept writers ever been so blatant as to actually have the group acknowledge that, after a whole season of dramatic post twists and turns, absolutley nothing has changed by the end. "Well Ari's back to being an agent, Vince is a rich movie star and everyone in the audiance just completely wasted their time caring about what happens in ever episode in this show's history. Haha, fuck you stupid tv viewer!"

I'm also sick of Ari's constant gay bashing of Lloyd yet his adament refusual to include the word faggot in his increasingly contrived insults. Seriously, why is that word so taboo? Saying Lloyd has to clean the cum out of his eyes so he can see better is fine but saying, 'Shut up, Lloyd, you faggot,' would be over the line? How does that make sense?

In conclusion, I too would like to be jerked off by Meadow Soprano.

OooOOoooh, one game... BIG DEAL

2008-10-23T07:12:00.001-07:00

I guess the Phillies think they're all hot shit right now but guess what? They're not.

Hey I just thought of some pretty hilarious jokes about the Phillies. You might recognize them from other places but these are all new and all different because I made them about the Phillies, who are all huge, huge pussies.

What do you call a thousand dead Phillies at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

How do you remove twenty dead Phillies from a garbage can?
With a pitchfork.

Whats the difference between ten bowling balls and ten dead Phillies?
I don't have ten bowling balls in the trunk of my car.

What's the difference between Hitler and a Phillie?
Hitler was also an accomplished artist.

Whats red, white and blue and also a bunch more red smeared all over the place?
A Phillie in a blender.

What do you get when you cross Mahatma Ghandi, Mother Teresa and a Philadelphia Phillie?
A no-good worthless piece of shit.

What did the deaf, blind and crippled Phillie get for Christmas?
Cancer.

So a British guy, a French guy, a Mets fan and a Phillies fan were all flying in a plane. Right in the middle of their flight the pilot turns to all four passengers and says, 'Sorry guys, this plane is going to crash and we've only got one spare parachute. You'll have to decide amongst yourselves who gets it.' So the four guys look at each other until finally the British guy stands up and yells 'God save the Queen!' and jumps out of the plane without a chute. This inspires the French guy who also stands up and says 'Viva La France!' and then also throws himself out of the plane. The Met and Phillie fans both now stare at each other until finally the Mets fan grabs the Phillies fan and screams 'Fuck you, you stupid piece of shit!' and throws the Phillie fan out of the plane. Then he yells out of the plane 'Have fun getting fisted in Hell, motherfucker!'

The end.

so... this blog kinda sucks

2008-10-20T14:26:00.001-07:00

But so do the Red Sox. Fuck those guys. Look at what a big peener muncher Big Papi is. You fat fuck, you.

Also, who the hell is impersonating me on the 700 Level and dropping LOLz like its cool?

Anyhow, hopefully the Phillies being in the WS will inspire some fresh hatred from me to vomit out onto these web pages soon. I can't wait, I can practically taste the bile!

Hating on the success of others

2008-09-24T14:30:00.001-07:00

I've been preoccupied of late and so take full respsonsibility for letting GMDB die a slow death. But I'm not about to throw in the towel just yet. And while the Mets are giving me severe agita to the point where I can no longer form half way decent post about them with erupting into a volcano of violence, that doesn't mean I can't hate on the success of other teams.

For instance the Tampa Bay-Rays. Oh what a feel good story, you have to be rooting for them in October. Bullshit. Fuck that and fuck the Bayrays. You go to hell Evan Longoria, you go to hell and you die.

link not safe for work.

Ok I have to go back to busy and exciting life now, check back here for more terrible shit later on.

In memoriam

2008-09-11T09:24:00.000-07:00

What it be in such terrible taste if I said that today marks a special day for the remembrance of TWO epic collapses, one of them being of this day last year when the Mets' started choking their way out of the post season?

Yes, it definitely would be. But not as poor as the taste displayed here.

And yet another one way ticket directly to hell is purchased.

Happy Major Boobage Day!

2008-09-10T07:29:00.000-07:00

Why is it Major Boobage Day? Because I just realized the Braves have been mathematically eliminated!!!!

Suck one, dork bags! Feast on the bitter vitals of defeat and save some room to eat the shit from a fetid ass crack for dessert you stupid Atlanteans!

Now lets celebrate with some hot fucking tits!

Yeah!
Get some Kenny!
Oh hell yeah! Check out those totally titillating ton-tons!

Look at all that bodacious boob meat!

Julia Stiles, GET NAKED PLEASE! HA HAH!

Boy would I like to butter up those flap jacks! All right!

Holy jeez those are some nice looking honkers! I'd like to push them around like a couple of big gooey punching bags!!!

Fuck yeah, how great are tetons? They are excellent. Mets boobs and no Braves in the playoffs. Today is a good day.

Die Hurricane Hannah, Greg Dobbs

2008-09-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

Yesteday's game can jump up my butt. That was awful. I watched the whole thing. Granted it was in a bar so I also had a sweet sweet beer near by at all times to wash down the bitter failures of the Mets. Brett Myers was mowing down MCs like he was mowing the lawn. He was waxing chumps like a candle. He was punching his wife in the face like a brutal savage. Then Greg fucking Dobbs shows up to plunge the dagger of defeat deep into last vestiges of remaining hope.

Now I have to deal with no baseball this afternoon because of that asshole, Hurrican Hannah. Sunday doubleheaders are fine but not on the NFL's opening weekend. Thankfully my beloved G-Men have allready brutalized the barf inducing pathetic Jim Zorn led colection of idiots known as the Washington Deadskins.

Holy crap I could watch that all day. In fact I think I just did.

Say, the Russian Prime Minister is really sticking it to Georgia, huh?

2008-09-01T07:54:00.000-07:00

Well that's PUTIN it lightly!

Haha, god I wish Russia would run there tanks through the worthless state of Georgia rather than just the worthless County in the Caucus Mountains. Taste Pooty Poots cold steal Atlanteans.

Happy Labor Day, sluts. I'll be at the beach for the week. GO SCARLET KNIGHTS, DIE BULLDOGS!

Hey everyone get ready to toally blow me

2008-08-28T15:10:00.000-07:00

Still in first place, despite all the hardship and setbacks. And you know what they say when the going gets tough, right?

KEEP FIRING, ASSHOLES!

Ultra Beatdown in store for the Phillies

2008-08-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

Big two game series with the fucking fillies, but I'm confident the Mets are ready to administer an ULTRA BEATDOWN

The only standing in the way is the off chance that the Mets are distracted by MY DAUGHTER'S AWESOME ROCKING TITS.

Eat my crap Atlanta

2008-08-21T11:26:00.000-07:00

Olympic Wrestling Tournament Nerdom = no posts, sorry faithful GMDBers (GMDBeers?). But in the last couple weeks or so the Mets have being doing well and atlanta has been sucking it the bone rod so maybe i should just my fucking mouth shut for the time being.

i'll try to get back on to the postings soon, as i'm also way behind on my Flushing University columns (it's a good thing i don't get paid for that otherwise i'd totally get fired). As a piece offering, here is the funniest photoshoped picture i've ever seen, from the Something Awful forums.

I made a poor decision last night

2008-08-11T09:13:00.000-07:00

And now I'm paying for it.

No bullshitting today, just the facts. Olympic Pool Update:

Dog Eaters: 54
Fuggin Sluds: 53
John Basedow Olympic Club: 44
Penguin Power 36
Hajjis: 23

Pumpitude: Fear Factory

Conversation between Don Draper and a woman last night:
dd: i would like an apology
woman: no i dont think so
dd: yes i will have one
w: no you wont
dd: how about now?
w: oh my goodness whats going on?
dd: i dont know but my right hand is all wet
w: thats because its inside my pussy
dd: right. well, how about that apology then?
w: yes, that sounds fine
dd: great, then were all in agreement
END SCENE

My fucking head hurts and I have to go buy some coffee filters.

FYF: US Women's soccer team

2008-08-08T11:11:00.000-07:00

I might as well say now that the next two weeks will most be filled with nothing but Summer Olympic posts but I'm assuming no one is going to care.

Anyways, fuck the Women's soccer team. back in 2007 Women's World Cup, their dumb ass of a head coach, Greg Ryan, decided to bench the best goalie in the world, hot piece of ace Hope Solo, during the semi final game against Brazil in favor of Brianna Scurry, based on the retarded reasoning that Scurry played an entirely different Brazil team well 3 years ago.

Unpredictably, the US lost and Scurry played like dog shit. Solo was like wise unpredictably furious and had the temerity to say so in a post game interview. Then the rest of her team got all PMS-y on her for 'putting herself before the team', egged on undoubtedly by the fucking retard of a coach Ryan so he would look less stupid for that retarded bit of tactics that blew up in his retarded face.

So now that the U.S. women's soccer team has decided that team harmony is more important than winning, I've decided that they don't deserve to win anymore. Fuck them and their stupid cry baby team of losers. I am glad Norway already beat their asses before the opening ceremonies. Boo to the US women's soccer team, Yea to all other women's soccer teams.

PS I don't mean for this to sound overtly misogynistic. In fact, I hate guys, I LOVE WOMEN!

Non baseball pablum: Olympic Gambling Pool

2008-08-06T12:33:00.000-07:00

I think the Olympics are totally stupid. The instances of hypocrisy and bullshit are too numerous and tiresome to get into here, but I find the entire event quite distasteful. The whole jingoistic affair is huge turn off and I see no reason to throw my allegiances behind some previously unknown athletes merely because they were born within the same political boundaries as me or because NBC and their affiliated sponsors tell me to.

Thats why I relish the opportunity to gamble on them, and encourage everyone else to do the same. Gambling, as we all know, makes every sporting event better. And the best type of gambling involves a small sum of money that provides a monetary rooting interest in as many events as possible. That is why NCAA Tournament pools are so awesome. For $20 bucks I can now care about 33 basketball games that I would under other circumstances not give an underwater-pogo-sticking fuck about.

During each of the last summer and winter Olympiads, me and 4 of my friends have competed in an Olympic Team Pool, and even though it was an extremely slap dick operation, I can no longer imagine following future games without first throwing down 20 bucks on it.

The way it works is simple. We hold a snake draft where each player picks a country until all the participating National Olympic Committees (NOCs, ie participating countries) are taken and then for each medal a players' county earns, that player earns points, 3, 2 or 1 for gold, silver and bronze, respectively.

That's it. Pretty simple and it ensures that you'll have a rooting interest in nearly every event going on. A stupendous productivity killer if there ever was one.

You can read about the past 2004 Winter Olympic Pool we conducted on this old blog I used to write with my old college room mates here. Its a totally stupid blog, not at all unlike the one you're reading now.

Anyway, I'll be interrupting the regular GMDB news coverage with intermittent Olympic Pool news posts over the next two weeks. Wish me luck!

Hey honey, where are all the bags? In the bag hutch.

2008-08-04T07:53:00.000-07:00

No shit.

So the Mets fucking suck again, thats great. Swept by the motherfucking Asstros. Ha ha, what fucking fun. Also Maine is on the DL because of his rotator cuff. Also my rotator cuff is still all fucked up and that fucking sucks, too.

You know, I'm not one to question God's ineffable plan, but you figure if He is this omnipotent being that would have been able to foresee the magnificent splendor that is the game of baseball, than maybe He, in his infinite fucking wisdom, might have been able to intelligently design a sturdier fucking bit of anatomy than the piece of shit rotator cuff that He came up with. But, y'know, not that I'm one to question His divine authority.

Oh, but what else? How about I wanted to get pumped to one of the greatest songs in the history of rock n roll that just happened to be featured at the end of the greatest show currently airing on television yesterday, but the only quality video on youtube is full cut scenes from some god damn piece of shit movie called Loser.

OH GOD WHY DO ALL THE BAD THINGS IN LIFE ONLY HAPPEN TO ME?

If it weren't for meatspinner I don't know how I'd go on living.

FYF Pumpitude twofer: Big Pud & Rambo edition

2008-08-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

It's a shame when such a gritty, hustling dirtdog like Big Pud gets treated like this.

A shame because he should not have received even a modicum of the respect Manny Acta afforded this low life when he broke the news. A more suitable dismissal would have gone more like this:

Acta: Lo Duca, step into my office; because you're fuckin fired!
Big Pud [weeping]: I suck.

Luckily it doesn't take a lot of dough to impress 19 year old babysitters so Big Pud should still be rolling in the teenage snatch long into his permanent vacation. What a real piece of shit that guy is. Fuck you Paulie!

Now, to get pumped up for the weekend series against the Asstros (that gets funnier every time I type it!) I'm going to skip the heavy metal and include a timeless movie classic. Sly Stallone's 2008 release of Rambo got a lot of bad reviews. Oddly, the bad reviews made me want to watch more than than good reviews. Like this one:

The fourth and, amazingly, the most meat-headed adventure yet of the killing machine John Rambo can safely be recommended to people who hate intelligence and love exploding body parts.

Wow, that sounds like the perfect movie to me.

Say, who's that on the 5o cal machine gun? Uh oh, looks like- KA-BLAMMO!

Let's see whats in the box...

2008-07-31T16:13:00.000-07:00

NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!

Which is exactly what the Mets got before the trade deadline!

I'm fine with that though, because as Kuni said, "Red Snappa very tasty fish!"

So we're stuck with what we got, which includes our nearly bare farm system. There are still a few things the Mets can do to improve their odds of making the playoffs, which are still over 50% right now. I talk about that and more in my latest in depth hard hitting report over at Flushing University. Read it, or take a drink from my fire hose!

Also, to follow up on yesterday's MtG's nerd dropping, check out what this collectible card gaming enthusiast had to say about my radical Hypnotic Specter:

What can I say about my good old hypnotic specter? This card has the perfect casting cost, a 2/2 flyer for 3 mana, right on the mana curve. It's ability however, is what makes it so special. The random discard easily tops the ability of Abbysal Specters and the other imitations. A first turn Hypnotic Specter via dark ritual can force opponents to discard some of their best cards before they have the mana to play them.

Hey! Get out of here you fucking dork!

Good news and bad news

2008-07-30T09:35:00.000-07:00

The bad news is John Maine strained his right shoulder's rotator cuff. And in a stunning, totally uncool coincidence, I also strained my right rotator cuff. Maine supposedly won't miss much time due to the mild nature of the injury. My injury is reoccurring and is more fucking painful each fucking time it happens. God damn it.

The good news is I just went through my old Magic the Gathering cards and found out my Hypnotic Specter is worth, like, 8 bucks. So I got that going for me.

Seriously though, motherfuck my shoulder. Anyone have any spare Vicoden?

Jerry, what did I just tell you?!?!

2008-07-24T13:43:00.000-07:00

Tie game, bottom of the 8th, Jerry needs a pinch hitter; who does he use? Yep, Robinson fucking Cancel.

Then, with Jose Reyes, one of the team's best hitters, up and piece of shit hitter Endy Chavez on deck, what's the play? A sac bunt! Motherfucker!

Holy shit, Jerry Manual is a fucking asshole!

Worse than tubgirl?

2008-07-24T09:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's win was quite satisfying and I'm not one to pee pee on the parade, but interim manager Jerry Manual seems intent on proving himself more worthless than the departed Willie Randolph with every game.

After pulling Santana after 8 innings with Wagner out of commission to disastrous results Tuesday, Manual saw his team enter the bottom of the 8th innings with a less than comfortable 3 run lead. While Wagner announced that he would be ready to go for the game, it was clearly in everyone's best interest to score some insurance runs so that Wagner would be able to rest his sore shoulder. So how nice of the first two batters, David Wright and Carlos Delgado, to reach base without recording an out.

The run expectancy for have a man on 1st and 2nd with no outs is approximately 1.5 runs. Sweet. So how does Jerry take advantage of these odds? By shitting all over himself, that's how.

First, Carlos Beltran, the best fucking hitter on the team, lays down a sacrifice bunt to move Wright and Delgado to 2nd and 3rd. This would be smart with a shitty hitter up, but not smart with best hitter up. And guess what, the run and/or win expectancy doesn't budge. It's a complete wash. What a fucking waste.

Now Marlon Anderson, who sucks a fat one, is up. So Jerry pinch hits for him. Good move right? Nope, Jerry, in his infinite wisdom, calls upon 3rd string catcher Robinson Cancel to bat. Robinson Cancel somehow, almost inconceivably, sucks an even fatter one than Marlon Anderson. What the fuck is the point of keeping 3 catchers on the roster if in pinch hit situations you bring in the shittiest of the three? That's fucking retarded.

And surprise surprise, Cancel grounds out to the Rollins and no runs score.

Now we're stuck with Damian Easely to drive in the runs with 2 outs. Nothing against Easely, he is a serviceable back up, and it's not his fault he has been forced into the starting lineup more often than not, but Easely also sucks it the fat one.

Easely promptly grounds out to end the inning.

Good job Jerry fucking Manual. A text book example of HOW TO KILL A RALLY.

Overall, not quite as bad as tubgirl, but still pretty fucking awful.

Oh by the way, here are my last two Flushing University posts. This one is just whole bunch of bullshit and this one is about shitty music. ENJOY OR DIE!

Tuesday pumpitude: Rush edition

2008-07-22T09:07:00.000-07:00

With a YUUUUUGE series with the Phillies starting today (to be read in a Donald Trump accent), it is only fitting that we all get pumped up with perhaps the world's finest band in history, Rush. Why is it fitting? Because I just saw them and the fucking rocked they fucking house, obviously.

My appreciation for the Canadian prog rockers has only grown over the years. My first exposure to the band was during the glorious summer I spent at Boy Scout camp in the Adirondacks. Sitting around the picnic table by the light of our lanterns we played Dungeons and Dragons, (actually a D&D derivative called Paranoia) while the ground breaking musical stylings of the Torontonian Trio played on the Troop's cassette tape boom box.

I distinctly remember our Senior Patrol Leader proudly sporting his Roll the Bones T-shirt while explaining the meaning behind the allegorical rock epic 2112.

I would drift away from Rush in my teenage years, as Geddy Lee's vocals were considered too faggy for metal proclivities of the time. Of course, when Stick It Out was receiving heavy radio play on Q104.3 I wouldn't change the channel.

Later, my love affair was rekindled in college when I burned Chronicles from a friend. These CD's would be played continually during my fraternity's rush parties, at least until the other fraternity members who were actually interesting in recruiting new members turned off the stereo, explained to me that no one thought that joke was funny, and permanently banned me from DJing all future rush parties. Bastards.

Now I would just like to point out for my own sake that despite all the recent evidence to the contrary, I have indeed seen a grown woman naked who was neither a stripper nor a prostitute. So there.

Anyway, just last Saturday I reached the pinnacle of my Rush fandom, attending my first live concert at the Nissan Pavilion. Despite participating in the performance from the relative distance of the lawn seats, the show was nothing short of spectacular. See for yourself.

Yes. Rock.

That's maybe a little blurry. Let me zoom in on my shitty shitty camera phone and highlight the rocking out.

Holy fucking shit that was awesome. For the installments of pumpitude, let me take you on a youtubed journey of the last three songs Rush played live.

First was the end of their regular set with an introduction from Lil' Rush:

Which led into their first encore of Train to Bangkok:

And finishing things off with YYZ:

The only thing I have left to wonder is does Rush ever get so tired of being awesome nad kicking so much ass?

F U Friday: Mike Hampton

2008-07-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

Mike Hampton got injured again, while rehabbing in the minors. It's tough to hate on a guy that's not only had one of the most pitifully snake-bitten careers ever but has also been so proficient at wasting the resources of the Atlanta Braves organization. Whats more, the act that he decided not to re-sign with the Mets meant they were awarded two compensatory first round draft picks which were then used on a David Wright and Aaron Heilman.

But then I just remember he is a Brave, so fuck 'em. Fuck 'em in the ear I say.

And I don't know what's going on with this picture either. I searched far and wide for a Naked Gun picture of Nordberg in a wheelchair and the best I could come up with is this. Kind of creeps me out to be honest. Whatever, it's Friday, and I have to go drink, and then sleep in, and then go see RUSH LIVE IN CONCERT. I will have more on the Rush concert next week (more than you'll want to hear, I'm sure), but now I gotta go put these tall frosties on ice and listen to Subdivisions.

Strangely I think this makes me dislike Utley even LESS now

2008-07-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

Boo??? Fuck you!!!

Holy schnikes! Half a game out of first?

2008-07-14T09:04:00.000-07:00

New York Mess no longer, the Mets have been pummeling the their opponents lately, banging out a 9 win streak going into the All Star break. Pretty hot shit. It remains to be seen if the 3 day break will cool down the surging Metropolitans, however in the mean time I think we can all seek encouragement from the Iron Man of Shaolin Island to stay pumped.

Braves want me dead but they scared to step to me.
Rip they guts out like a hysterectomy.

That's right, Pretty Toney in the house. Recognize.

One reason for the Mets improvement can be attributed to the resurgence of Aaron Heilman. Much maligned for his terrible start, Heilman has been, as Eric Simon at Amazin Avenue has pointed out, nothing short of dominant lately. Eric also deserves Kudos for his NY Post worthy headline. Nice, bro, nice.

Not that I'm constantly checking out players' hem lines, but I've always been a little put off by Heilman's proclivity for wearing nut-hugging pants. Check it out if you don't believe me.

Yeesh. Now I'm not saying Heilman loves wedgies, but when asked about the tightness of his trousers, Heilman replied, "I love wedgies!"

Whatever man, just keep dealing on the mound and you can where a tutu for all I care.

FYF: Beltran haters

2008-07-11T07:50:00.000-07:00

My adoration of Carlos Beltran knows no bounds. Yes, D-dubs is the media's dreamy great white hope, and I am all over his and Reyes jock sweat like every other good Mets fan, but there can be only one Numero Uno in mi libro, and thats C Belty-Belts.

Stupid Mets fans like to rag on him for all sorts of dumb reasons. Not clutch, over paid, doesn't hustle, doesn't care. Ridiculous. Totally ridiculous. For one thing, look at Carlos' mole. Why, his mole is so big, his mole has a mole, and IT'S mole is bigger than you're mole (and by mole I mean peene).

Alright, so maybe that wasn't the best example. Let me instead turn the floor over to the consummate professional over at sny.tv, Ted Berg.

Simply put, Beltran is as fundamentally sound a player as there is in baseball and he never gets credit for it. In terms of baseball IQ, he's a genius. Carlos Beltran is -- and has been since 2006 -- one of the best outfielders in baseball. The sad thing is that many Mets fans might never realize it until he's gone. Luckily for those that do, Beltran is under contract through 2011, giving us plenty more time to enjoy watching him play.

You are the man, Ted Berg. The rest of your column is well worth the read. In fact, everyone on earth should be given a copy and be quizzed on it's contents daily. Please, Ted Berg, take a bow.

In conclusion, fuck you Beltran haters. Also, nice stache, dude.

GMDB EXCLUSIVE: Robocop spotted at Shea Stadium

2008-07-10T08:50:00.000-07:00

This photo, snapped by Flushing University editor and total badass, Mike McGann, is all the proof you need. When asked to comment on his rare public appearance outside of Old Detroit, Robocop replied, "You can call me Robocop, but my friends call me Murphy."

Speaking of Flushing University, here are links to all the FU articles I've written in the last couple months or so.

Here's my first column about how I much I hate the Braves, which was really hard to do without cursing.

Here's my second, really boring and really shitty, column where I talk about Moneyball, my favorite book that doesn't include Harry Potter erotic fan fiction.

And here is where I bitch about Red Sox fans (which got a total of ZERO comments in the forum boards - man I am on a roll, now!)

This is one about how shitty play by the Mets batters got Willie Randolph fired, and when I finally start including some actual jokes, if you want to call them jokes.

And a follow up here full of more dorky stats and lame jokes except this time I only discuss the pitching staff.

This is my favorite so far, where I dump all over the Phillies and the city of Philadelphia (also, by the way: GO GIANTS DIE EAGLES!)

And finally, my latest piece of shit, that has nothing to do with the Mets, or even baseball, and everything to do with my awful taste in stupid movies.

Read 'em all! It's great fun! If you're a really bored loser!

Non baseball pablum music plug

2008-07-09T10:26:00.000-07:00

So my buddy, J P (and the Nis), just recorded an album that you can listen to and buy here.

It's just him sining with his guitar, but fortunately he's excellent at both, so if you're in to dreamy folk-rock and incredible fingerstyling, I implore you to give it a whirl.

Personally, I prefer something a little more mainstream, something with a nice hook and a beat you can dance to. Like Stefy here.

Sure, it's just a ripped off Devo riff carelessly tacked on to a blatantly derivative No Doubt single, but look, I've got to listen to SOMETHING while I stride away on the elliptical machine.

You mean we're still in this?

2008-07-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

It's baffling to me that the Mets are only 3.5 back from the 1st place Phillies and can cut that 2.5 by the end of today. Pretty soon Omar will have to decide if the Mets are buyers or sellers as the trade deadline is approaching and as C.C. Somebanthia* knows, some teams are already making their moves.

The good news (kind of) is we have no prospects, so Omar can't trade them away! Except F-Mart, of course, but if he gets traded for anyone except Albert Pujols, Omar will die (of embarrassment from all the bad press; and from strangulation by me).

Anyway, today is a still a big game, so hopefully Peter Martinson can give us even a pale resemblance of his former self and pitch a semi decent game. Lets get pumped up with some classic AC/DC live. As Artie Lange would say: FIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAA!

*feeble Star Wars pun on Banthas, the huge mammoth-like pack animals of the Sand People. I know, I suck. Sorry!

P.S. As you're all well aware, the blog is completely bereft of any credibility whatsoever. But thats okay, because I enjoy being able to link to stuff like Clit Notes without worrying about my reputation (reputation, hah!). Then I see something like this (kinda not safe for work) linked to on The Big Lead and all I can think is, hey man, I've been drawing fake penises and making blatantly homophobic jokes for like, 2 years now, TBL, what do I have to do to get a link? I guess my next post should involve a tribute to Will Smith or something.

Met drink Braves' milkshake

2008-07-03T07:54:00.001-07:00

As shitty as things have been in Mets-town latley, Craig Calculatorra explains why things are even shittier in Bravo-world.

Can't wait until Teixiera is starting at first base next year. And don't give me any crap about not wanting to overpay for him. Fuck that, it's not my money. Over pay. This isn't some flakey pitcher who's arm could fall off at any moment. This is a proven masher (131 career OPS+) who will only be 29 next year.

Plus signing Tex will have the added benefit of being a good 'here's nut in your eye' to Atlanta.

As Craigers says*: "There has still been a sense that at any given time the Braves were only a winning streak away from glory. That's still technically true, but it's time for us to let go and face reality."

Yes, the reality that their team is full of rotten bastards. Die, Braves, die.

*It should be noted Craig shares none of the thoughts expressed in this post, nor would he ever assign such rank, hyperbolic, derogatory attributes to players that I am so fond of doing. In all sincerity, Craig and his blog are legit, whereas as this blog is an obvious piece of shit, and I apologize if there is any confusion regarding the two wholly separate opinions shared therein.

Thanks for nothing ESPN

2008-07-01T10:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes living out of market can really suck. Like when you finally get psyched to see a nationally televised game in HD against those asshole Cardinals and not only to the Mets get waxed like a candle but you have to listen to that asshole Steve Philips while it happens.

Philips likes to joke around about how Mets fans still tease him about his time as GM, like its some cute little love/hate relationship. Wrong, it's all hate, Steve, all hate.

ESPN, Steve Philips is neither witty nor insightful nor personable. Why is he employed?

This broadcast, by the way, was following a Fox, Joe Buck/Tim McCarver shitshow in which the Mets we're drubbed by the Yankees. Meanwhile, Cary Cohen, Keith Hernandez and Ron Darling all announce the shit out of those buttcakes.

You know what doesn't suck to listen to though? Girl Talk. You can download his new album totally for free here. Aw motherfuckin yeah.

The Mets are progessing at a medium pace

2008-06-30T12:08:00.000-07:00

Seemingly content at playing .500 ball, the Mets are neither losing a ton of games nor winning a ton of games. It's almost as if they are playing this season at a MEDIUM PACE.

Maybe they find these lyrics to be as inspiring as I do (LYRICS ARE NOT APPROPRIATE FOR A PROFESSIONAL ENVIRONMENT).

Oh, hey look, the pizza delivery guy is here.

Sawx fans exact their revenge!

2008-06-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

I've been had! The jig is up! Here's how one clever Red Sox fan described GMDB:

It is about a moron who antagonizes others and then accuses them of idiocy.

I actually think that is pretty accurate.

Touche, douchbags. I'll see you all in hell.

SHUT UP RED SOX FANS

2008-06-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

I feel like taking a very very very uncontroversial position on Red Sox Nation. I WANT THEM TO SHUT UP.

Red Sox Nation is a fucking stupid concept that I've written a little about here, and then tried to get asshole sox fan to comment about here (yes, I am go sox go and made that post).

I've also gotten into a debate (I use that word very loosely here) about it on Craiger's blog here. And thats what pisses me off the most. The fact that lots of RSNers see themselves as better than other fans, and not deserving of hate from other groups of fans. Fuck that, they are worse. Accept it, deal with it, enjoy your World Series rings AND SHUT UP ASSHOLES.

A lot of Mets fan will sympathize with Sox fans because they also hate the Yankees and see them as an allay in that regard. Well I hate the Yankees (though much less than some Mets fans) and find their fans obnoxious, but I live in DC, where there are literally millions of New Englanders who have fled their shitty states and they pack themselves into bars and chant like morons and generally fucking suck. I have never seen a showing like that from Yankee fans. But you know what, fuck the Yankees too, I'm not writing this blog to make friends.

Check out this post from With Leather and tell me all Red Sox AND Yankee fans shouldn't ALL drown in a lake. A lake made up of whale vomit and human period blood.

mmmm... meat cake

2008-06-23T10:26:00.000-07:00

George Carlin died yesterday and posts about him are popping up all over the baseball's blogdom because he once did a classic bit about baseball vs football and also because George Carlin fucking rules.

I was hooked on George Carlin every since i heard him utter the word 'meat cake'. I even saw him preform stand up live, when I was in middle school. He was practicing his routine for an HBO special and when he got tired testing out new material he just talked about farts for a half an hour. And that was the greatest 30 minutes of my life.

I bought a poster from that performance and I still use it today to cover up a hole put in my basement's wall put there by some asshole friend of mine. It's a great conversation starter for when babes come over.

So to get pumped up this week I was going to do a Carlin stand up video but I don't want to be just like everyone else out there so instead here's a clip from one of Carlin's forgotten movie masterpieces. He's not in this particular scene, but so what? You want Carlin, you know how to use youtube, god dammit.

GMDB EXCLUSIVE: Rick Peterson is an evil robot bent on destorying all mankind

2008-06-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

We all know by now that the Mets front office has more leaks than an R. Kelly home video, and it is through one of these ill advised tinkles from a Mets executive that GMDB has learned the truth about why Mets pitching Rick Peterson was fired.

Rick Peterson is evil robot who seeks the destruction of the human race!!!!

Posing as a human being in manners and appearance, Rick Peterson is part of a second generation of evil robots, known as 'skin jobs', who were created to infiltrate all segments of society and then bring about it's extinction.

Omar Minaya acknowledged Peterson's exemplary record as a pitching coach and noted that his job as pitching coach in no way contributed to the 'collapse' of 2007. However, despite Minaya's wishes to keep Peterson around after the decision to fire Met's manager Willie Randolph was made, after learning of his true origins and evil plans, Minaya had no choice but to terminate Peterson's relationship with the Mets.

GMDB's front office source also gave us a never before scene video of the meeting Minaya had with Peterson when he broke the news to the embattling pitching coach/evil robot, seen below.

Peterson was last seen orbiting the Andromeda Galaxy while evil robot rescue ships search for what they hope will be salvageable remains.

When GMDB correspondent 'Dave' asked fellow evil robot, HAL 9000, for comment the following exchange was recorded.

GMDB will continue to keep you updated with any news to this breaking story.

Big Willie Style: Your life is forfeit

2008-06-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

Yeah you know what would be funny? If when talking about this shit show of a shit-canning that I some how incorporated the pun of substituting the word 'mess' for the word 'Mets'. Haha, so funny, right? It's just so FUCKING FUNNY.

Actually? No. Not funny at all. What would be funny would be if Omar Minaya called up Willie Randolph and pranked him with the clip that Richard Christie used in this prank call below, and THEN fired him.

Ethel Mertz.

GMDB EXCLUSIVE: EURO 2008 COVERAGE

2008-06-12T15:14:00.000-07:00

Watching soccer is interminably boring and I have absolutely ZERO use for nationalism, but after Wagsiepoo pinched off yet another steaming hot load of crap, I just can't think about the Mets right now.

Instead, let's see what those faggy euro-tards are up to this summer with their queer little sport where you can't use your hands! Yah ha! Fun!

ps, if you don't know what Euro 2008 is or are confused by anything else I'm about to type well then why don't you LEARN HOW TO WIKI YOU LAZY BUFOON!

Group A
Portugal, Czech Republic, Turkey, Switzerland

Euro 2008 started like a week or so ago, so Portugal is already through to the next round and Switzerland has already been eliminated. I'm fine with that. You have to give credit to Portugal for not getting squashed under the thumb of Castilian rule, enabling them to maintain their own Kingdom, culture and language (unlike the Catalans, Basques and Galatians, who got totally PWND). On the other hand, the Swiss blow. Centuries of peace and neutrality and the all they have to show for it are coco mix and throat lozenges? Get your shit together Switzerland, or I'll give you something to yodel about. Plus I hate it when host countries automatically qualify for stuff. I'm glad you lost you're own tournament, pussies.

I also like the Czechs here, because they drink more beer per capita than any other country in the world, so me and the C.R. have a lot in common. On the other hand, I sympathize with Turkey. Here is this big secular Muslim country doing everything they can to fit into the cool guy Euro-club but Europe won't have them. 'Oh, they're the sick man of Europe, oh we can't possibly absorb that many people, oh their culture is too different'. Grow up, Europe. The battle of Vienna was over 400 years ago.

Turkey will beat The Czech Republic the final meaningful game of Group A, sending them through in second place finishers after the Portuguese play the Swiss to a lackluster tie and but win the group outright.

Group B
Crotia, Germany, Austria, Poland

Someone call the Hapsburgs, it's the battle for Mitteleuropa!

This group has also been through 2 games a piece and Croatia has already clinched a spot in the next round. I am fine with that, too. Anyone daring enough to where jerseys that look like tablecloths should get something out if it.

I like Germany to over come their last vestiges of Nazi guilt and blitz their way past Austria to annex the other spot in this group. Germany also has like, 80 million fucking people in their country so I sure as shit hope they can get past Austria, another lame ass host country who shouldn't even be here.

Poland would have probably given Croatia a run for their money but they all missed the game because they were too busy trying to screw in a light bulb and are eliminated.

Group C
Netherlands, France, Romania, Italy

The so-called Group of Death. I guess. I mean, with that bunch of losers it's certainly not the Group of Def! ELLE OH ELLE!!!

This group is still wide open, but I like Romania, and I'll tell you why. It's where they shot the village scenes in the Borat movie. Ah ha, its a very nice! Chin gwee! double LOL!

To snag second place and also advance, I'm picking the Dutch. I like them, because I often dutch oven myself and find it strangely enjoyable, but I don't like how they wear bright orange jerseys. Picking uniforms after your country's royal house is SO 20th century.

France and Italy battle it out for last place, which is great because they both worthless and weak. I like saying "Pardon my French, but you're an asshole." so let's say Les Bleus finish ahead of Azzurri. And that works because I have this thing about the Italians where I'm like, racist about them.

Group D
Spain, Sweden, Greece, Russia

I find Group D intriguing. A lot of cultures and languages. Three different alphabets even (Roman, Greek and Cyrillic).

HOLY SHIT - TOO MANY BEERS LAST NIGHT.

too hungover to finish this. fucking took to long to write all thi sdumb shit. games are starting now anyway. this countires are all full of bastards anyway. swedes, greeks, russkies, spanish, all bastards.

fuck this. russia and spain advances. vladimir putiepoot declares victory for all russians. all dirty hairy greeks sent to the gulag. the swedish chef is a fucking asshole. goodbye forever.

And then Neyer goes and does something like this...

2008-06-12T08:49:00.001-07:00

and TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF.

The Braves are finished. Tim Hudson's a good pitcher but he can't pitch any better than he's pitched. Chipper Jones is a great hitter, but can't hit as well as he's been hitting. Even as the Braves' luck evens out, as it almost has to, it's hard to see them doing any better than they're already doing.

I guess the world does need nerds. After all, without nerds, who would run the internet pr0n websites?

Stan Gable does not approve

2008-06-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

Rob Neyer is probably my favorite baseball writer. Hell, probably my favorite sports writer period. He's the reason I got in to Sabermatricianship, he's the reason I keep my stupid ESPN Insider subscription active (because it's certainly not for the piece of shit, mail box clogging magazine), he's the reason I have that oily discharge sometimes (haha -psyche- I made that last one up).

But even I am not immune to getting riled up when Robbie Rob Rob dumps on the Mets. Here's what the flanneled stat head said recently:

Over their last 162 games the Mets are 82-80. Yes, it's cherry-picking. While 162 is not an arbitrary numbers, it's little more indicative than 142 (72-70) or 182 (90-92). But you know, 182 games is a fair number of games. The Mets are two games under .500 in their last 182 games. That means something, doesn't it? Bad luck? Maybe. But over those same 182 games the Mets have scored 868 runs and they've allowed 869 runs. Exactly the profile of a .500 team. Over 182 games. That means something doesn't it. And yet the organization just rolls merrily along with the same manager and the same general manager. If I were a Mets fan I would be leading a revolt in the streets. (Actually, I would be hoping that someone else would lead a revolt that I could follow, at a safe distance.)

This all may be true, however, I do have one thing I would like to say in rebuttal:

Oh, by the way, nerd, I got a math equation for you. Maybe you can tell me, what's the square root of 'i'm gonna kick your ass'?

HAHA, YEAH, BITCH! JOCKS RULE! JOCKS! JOCKS! JOCKS! JAWX! JAQUES! GIAKKIS!

Oh gross

2008-06-09T08:03:00.000-07:00

It's tough to know where to start after a 4 game series sweep by the formerly league worst San Diego Jagoffs. It's pretty clear that the offense collectively deserves a big stinkfist for the first 3 losses of the series. Billy 'Richard' Wagner is the obvious boner for game the fourth.

But nobody really reads this blog for recaps or analysis so lets skip ahead to the coping with our impotent rage. Normally I would now post some awesome metal video from youtube but that would seem even more impotent than usual given the enormous scale of our latest suck-shit-ass-party. Instead I found this awful song by Cannibal Corpse called 'I Will Kill You'. According one critic 'If vomit were a movie, this would be the soundtrack'. What do you think?

I don't listen to Cannibal Corpse because their music is about as interesting as listening to a garbage disposal, but I think it's an appropriate expression of seething anger in the face of utter hopelessness. Kind of like the 1992 L.A. Riots (right? you see the similarities?).

Cannibal Corpse' magnus opus segues nicely into the other topic I wanted to write about today: my desire to kill John Smoltz. I won't of course (I am too fair and fragile for prison), but that doesn't change my genuine desire to personally end John Smoltz life.

A lot of people will say, 'hey, Smoltz is a good guy, man. he plays the game right. He's sure-fire first ballot hall of famer. chill out dude.'

Too which I would reply, 'No one fucks over my fantasy team and gets away with it. Prepare to taste cold steel, you bearded slut.'

I also wish bad things to happen to John Smoltz that I do not personally initiate. I'm thinking something along the lines of what happens to the narrator is Chuck Palahniuk's short story, 'Guts'. Never read it? You can check it out here. It's good but long, so I'll skip to the dramatic conclusion: the main character masturbates in a pool with his asshole up against the pool's circulation pump. The pump then pulls his intestines out his butt hole while he's jagging off.

Man, that shit is gross.

OMFG WHAT HAPPENED

2008-06-06T14:49:00.000-07:00

Holy crap, what the hell? Apologies to anyone who was annoyed by the lack of posts going on lately, but some serious shit has been going on lately, culminating in Virginia Dominion Power not being able to turn my power back on for the last 48 hours. Man did that suck it the dick, though I did need an excuse to clean out my rancid, disease infested frigidaire.

Didn't miss much in the way of Mets news, unless you consider Big Willie Style NOT getting fired news. Otherwise, our boys are still struggling to keep there heads above .500 like a bunch of assholes drowning in a suckfest. Good job assholes, keep up the sucking.

I'd like to now go on cursing Smoltziepoo's name as a wish him a speedy recover from shoulder surgery so he can use both hands to properly fist Satan once I send him to hell, but I'm going to need more time to for a proper post on that subject. Stay tuned.

As a peace offering to make up for lost time, here is a youtube clip of a bunch of people falling down a hill like a bunch of crazy idiots.

And here is a cartoon I did about the Tragical Romance of Romeo & Juliet. It's so fucking sweet, its a fucking masterpiece not just for our time, but for fuckin all time, bro.

And his is a video clip of 'Small Victory' by America's greatest rock band, Faith No More. Small Victory, huh? Kind of like when my elbow brushes up against the boob of a hot chick at a crowded bar. Hey, I'll take what I can get, man.

Great, good talk, good times, now lets booze.

'Stop trippin' over Big Willie's style

2008-05-29T08:31:00.000-07:00

Major Media outlets like ESPN and big time blogs like Deadspin (the ESPN of the internets) are all in a froth over the New York 'Mess'. Ho ho ho, the Mets are an out of control trainwreck steaming into Suck City! OMFG, why don't the Mets all just give up and fucking hang themselves!!!

I have a better idea, assholes:
The Mets are currently 4.5 games behind those the Marlins but based on Pythagorean wins they are only a half a game back. Of course they would still be behind the Phillies and Braves based on Pythag wins, but the point is its a long season so take your naysaying and cram it, Leitch.

Also this "WillieWatch" nonsense is starting to piss me off. Rather than add my worthless opinion, I'll just cut and paste Baseball Prospectus' Joe Sheehan's educated science:

Willie Randolph is managing an aging, injury-prone roster that he did not assemble. While he clearly is responsible for some of the Mets’ problems, and he has not acquitted himself well of late, the biggest issues facing the team are the availability and performance of 20 percent of the payroll for an organization that does not have MLB-ready replacements on hand on its bench or in its farm system. Omar Minaya’s gambles on risky players paid off in 2006, but in 2008, they’re losing bets that are the biggest reasons for the Mets’ underachievement. This doesn’t mean he should be fired, either; it does mean that this management team should be permitted to finish what they started, mistakes and all.

Yeah, exactly. Thank you, Joe. So why aren't all you jerks calling for Omar to be fired? He's the one who assembled this collection of overpaid under achievers. At least a certain ESPN of Mets blogs is no longer selling those retarded "In Omar We Trust" t-shirts. God, I hated those fucking shirts.

I think everyone needs to just relax and enjoy this clip of Arnold quotes from the Running Man.

The Running Man was one of my all time favorite movies as a prepubescent loser. I remember desperately requesting my Mom rent the video cassette tape from the old Palmer Video but when she asked one of the video clerks if it was a good movie for kids the stupid jerk told her 'No, it's just 2 hours of Arnold finding clever ways to kill costumed bad guys." Obviously when my Mom told me that I only wanted to see it more, so I did what any kid does when they wanted to watch a movie their parents won't let them. I went to a friend's house whose parents didn't care.

That was also they only way I was going to see the original Terminator movie and Linda Hamilton's awesome bewbies. AND THAT IS WHY ARNOLD IS NUMERO UNO.

To the world: Sacre Bleu!

2008-05-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

Another Mets loss, another cavalcade of bitching and moaning. I've had it with this crap. Baseball is supposed to be an enjoyable distraction from life's monotonous routine. And if I can't enjoy baseball, then I can't enjoy life. And if I can't enjoy life, than I say GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR.

That's all she wrote, good bye Mets, good bye world, good bye the big fat fucking joke of life.

Wait, I'm not ready to give up yet. I've yet to learn the identiy of the 12th Cylon. Let's give pumpitude enhancement one more shot. Mr. Mustaine, another song please.

Mercie beacoup, mon frere.

More a-holes for the suckfest

2008-05-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

A two game sweep of the Yanquis is pretty sweet. A four game series sweep BY the Braves is FUCKING AWFUL.

So now Big Will's head is on the proverbial chopping block whether he deserves it or not.

Randolph: "So this kinda sucks."

I'm pretty ambivalent to whether Willie stays or goes. I basically agree that managers in the long run mean fuck all to a team's success. At the same time, Willie's most important job is spin control and dealing with da mejia, and he's been sucking up a big suckstorm lately in that respect. Plus it's a lot easier to fire managers than players. So if the Wilpons deign that it is time for Randolph's head to roll, I won't raise fuss (and I will give credit to Craigers for calling it first).

But either way the Mets are playing like a bunch of assholes at a suckfest convention and it's pissing me right off. Get your shit together assholes. Or just have fun at your big suckfest convention, you fucking assholes.

The Mets don't play the Marlins in Miami until July 28th but I've already got the footage of them checking in to the International Inn for the series (NSFW for awesome swearing).

Have fun and sober Memorial Day weekend, everyone. I won't.

GMDB sells out: rolls deep in bling, pink

2008-05-13T07:23:00.000-07:00

It's time to blow this blog stand and strike out for greener pastures. I've graduated to the big show! Later sk8ers, so long, suckuhs!!!

Actually no, I won't be quitting my retarded, mutant love-child that is GMDB, I would miss drawing all those veiny penises on MSPaint far too much. What I mean to say is that the the respectable and thoroughly enjoyable Mets blog-of-record, Flushing University has stupefyingly asked me to contribute a weekly column, to which I obviously agreed to do.

So I'll still be here most of the time with the same old 3rd grade level of discourse (apologies to any FU readers who have found there way here. And yes, it gets worse), the only difference is personally I will be doing more expensive, trendier drugs and will no longer pay for sex.

But in all seriousness, if you bizarrely read this site and aren't aware of Flushing University, please check it out immediately. They have any amazing collection of talent writing for them that I scarcely add to, some real heavyweights in the Mets Blogosphere, and I'm pretty stoked to be part of it.

They (er, we?) also have the best daily Mets feature, by far, on the 'net, the incomparable Mack Attack. I am totally serial, guys, the Mack Attack is legit. Rekanize.

Ok, fanboy fawning aside, in other site news, I will be out of town and away from computers from today until the 23rd and there will be no posts here in the meantime (tho the Flushing U column will run) Doing what? Glad you ask, building homes in Katrina ravaged St. Bernard's Parish. Why? Because I am such a good person, of course. Haha, no its because I want to tell women that in hopes that it will increase their likelihood of sleeping with me.

Wish me luck!

The Devil wears Martin Prado

2008-05-12T11:14:00.000-07:00

I just watched The Devil Wears Prada on HBO and found the movie completely underwhelming. I'll tell you more about after I get pumped up with some good ol' fashioned American industrial metal. Put on your viking helmets and start swinging your sledgehammers, its Al Jourgenson and Ministry!

Unfortunately Ministry never did a real video for Deity so instead we have to settle for some wierdo's high school AV class project. You can also listen to some of the live versions on youtube but I wouldn't recommend it.

If I had to pick a favorite Ministry album it would definitely be a tie between The Land of Rape and Honey and The Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Taste. Ho ho!

Anyway, back to the Devil Wears Prada. I found the whole thing to be devastatingly retarded (surprise, surprise). First, there's the whole premise of the roman a clef turned motion picture. "Oh no, my boss is a total mega-bitch. I'm going to totally expose her bitchiness in my seriously bitchin' novel. Yeah, I'm so awesome. Bitches."

The central thesis of the movie revolved around the idea that you were supposed to feel bad for this Andy Sachs character, but this was predicated on the total horseshit notion that when running a business, everyone must be incredibly nice and pleasant to each other at all times. Furthermore, we should all be shocked that a business woman actually fucks people over to increase both her personal power and fortune. If this Miranda person was a guy he'd just look like a ruthlessly efficient titan of industry instead of a heartless and petty monstrosity.

What's that you say? But Miranda didn't let Emily go to PARIS??? Oh god, the horror!!! Who fucking cares about fucking Paris? Learn to deal with disappointment you dumb slut. Suck it up and do your job or fucking quit.

Compounding my viewing displeasure was the movie's intimate focus on the fashion industry, a billion dollars a year enterprise that could not be more stunningly worthless. At one point, Miranda's character goes on about the color of Andrea's ugly sweater to show how the fashion industry affects us all, whether we like it or not. So fucking what? Fashion is still the most useless waste of time and resources since the Springfield Monorail. Clothes exist to to keep people warm and to stop them from being naked. Any additional significance assigned to them beyond those basic utilities is purely masturbatory.

But thats when I had the epiphany that allowed me to tangentially link The Devil Wears Prada to baseball and a potential GMDB post. What dawned on me was that sports, a billion-dollar a year business, was as equally useless to the world as fashion, and my bewilderment with the fashion business was analogous to a non-sports fashion puzzlement with the degree of enthusiasm and excitement us sports fans get from following our favorite team.

You can justify this obsessions anyway you want, but at some point you come to the fact that your just indulging yourself in pointless, nonsensical distractions, whether your predilections include sports, or fashion, or any other silly topic used to sell magazines.

I guess the point I'm really trying to make is this: I went to high school with Anne Hathaway, the co-star who plays Andrea Sachs and I saw her bewbs in another movie called Havoc. S0 now thats TWO girls I went to high school with whose bewbies I've seen.

You too can see Anne's tetons. Check it out.

Yeah, score.

FYF: go eff yourself, San Diego

2008-05-09T07:50:00.000-07:00

Good job, Padres. You really are the worst, aren't you? Can't even win one god damn game against the Braves? Worthless. A collection of worthless assholes.

Also your city blows. 'America's Finest City'? More like, 'Mexico's Finest City'.

So besides getting PWNed by the shittiest franchise in sports, what else are you good for? Well let's see, you're good at getting arrested, good at getting nerds whipped up into a frenzy, good at starting blogs and then giving up due to a complete lack of heart, and finally, for having a movie made about you that was funny the first couple times but then gets ruined by having the lines repeated insufferably on terrible internet blogs.

True story: I was walking around San Diego one day and this guy started licking my balls.

You suck it the pieness, Padres. Try to imitate a professional ball club next time you go out there why dontcha? Fucking worthless assholes.

How to properly convey your displeasure with Willie Randolph

2008-05-07T07:52:00.001-07:00

I would like address issue of Willie Randolph's performance as the New York Mets' team manager. It all reminds me of the humorous story of the traveling salesman.

So lets say that the average Mets fan is a farmer, and Willie Randolph is a salesman. Well the farmer says, "You can spend the night in my barn, but do me a favor and don't stick your wiener into any of the three holes in the wall."

And in this case, the salesman's wiener represents the Mets fans' money.

So Willie Randolph, like the salesman, can't help himself, and sticks is wiener in the first hole and it feels good. He sticks is wiener in the second hole and it feels even better. He sticks his wiener in the third hole and it hurts like hell and it won't let go!

Well in the morning, the farmer comes out and he explains: Behind the first hole was my wife, behind the second hole was my daughter, and behind the third hole was an automatic milking machine that doesn't shut off until it gets fifty gallons!

Gentleman, I propose that Willie Randolph's performance as a manager is like an automatic milking machine, and unless we terminate his contract immediately its going to rip our dicks right off!

Monday Pumpitude - Cobrastyle

2008-05-05T12:37:00.000-07:00

Y'know for a team thats half a game out of first and 3 games over .500 you'd think people would be a lot happier about things. But it seems Mets fans, myself included, are expecting a little more this year. So tough shit Big Willie and Omar, your asses are on the line whether you like it or not.

The Mets did just take a series from the Arizona D-Bags, and whether you believe it or not, they are currently the best team in the NL, so lets change the vibe of our pumpitude enhancement and get things crackin with Robyn and the Teddybears.

You may remember Swedish pop star Robyn from such hits as Show Me Love and some other shit. The Teddybears are a radical synthpop group, also from Sweden. I first heard of Teddybears years ago in Europe when they were still called Teddybears STHLM. How cool does that make me?

THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS fucking cool.

So what do those lyrics mean? Whats up with the bear masks? Is Cobrastyle something the Mets want to try? Beats me. All i know is I would totally do Robyn.

FYF: Barry Zito

2008-05-02T07:15:00.000-07:00

Why would I still be bitter at Barryl Zino for rejecting the Mets in free agency two years ago when he sucks tremendous ass now to the point of being relegated to the bullpen? Well, because I'm not really, but he is still a butt head and I'm on a tight schedule today and I already made this joke about the picture below yesterday in the comments of an Amazin Avenue post. You know what they say, re-use, re-new, re-cylce, re-bocop.

After this year, the Giants still owe him NINETY-SIX MILLION DOLLARS. Nice allocation of resources San Francisco. Think of all the delicious Wendy's Junior Bacon Classics you could have had for the money you wasted on this poopscicle. Yeah, thats a lot of JBCs. Nice.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!

2008-04-30T12:56:00.000-07:00

Nothing like getting up at 6:30, so that you can take 3 hours off in the middle of the day to watch the Mets (the ole conference room here at Tankard, Lee & Quips, P.C. has a nice television setup) at work and finding out that the game has been delayed due to a "water main break," which I'm pretty sure just means that the Mets 3rd starter had to pee. Then going back to your office (overlooking the parking lot here in lovely Suburbia, N.J.) and getting back to work. Imagine two hours later you tune into the Gameday Audio on mlb.com only to find that the METS ARE DOWN 13-1 TO THE FREAKING PIRATES?!?!?!

ITS BLOGAGGEDON!!!!!

2008-04-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

The sports blog-o-party is all a flutter with the fall out from a late night talk show on HBO hosted by a smarmy Greek midget.

As a respected member of the new media, I just have one thing to add: This isn't helping our cause out, Leitch (NSFW, as usual).

GMDB EXCLUSIVE: interview with the Rev. Jeremiah Wright

2008-04-29T06:53:00.000-07:00

GMDB doesn't often get political, but when we were able to get an audience with Reverend Jeremiah A. Wright Jr., we certainly weren't going to pass on this incredible opportunity.

GMDB: Reverend, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with us. Can you share with us your thoughts on the Atlanta Braves?

Rev Wright:
GMDB: And we all share God's opinion. Reverend, thank you for your time.

Well that was quite the interview, wasn't it? Gosh, I sure hope this doesn't come back to haunt us years later when GMDB runs for President of the Internet.

Monday Twofer: F U Clemens and pumpitude

2008-04-28T10:19:00.001-07:00

The spirit of GMDB has never cared much for deadlines, and so once again I am late getting the FU Friday out. So enjoy another twofer and this totally unspurprising story about Roger Clemens being the abject lowlife that he is.

Is there no end to Clemens moral decrepitude? Actually yes, when God finally decides he has punished the rest of humanity enough and snuffs Clemens' mortal soul, his unholy rampage on earth will finally end. The fact that Clemens is currently our of baseball isn't enough. This man is a cancer to society, and the sooner we are rid of him the better. Short of soliciting his outright murder, I recommends exiling Clemens to Borneo. On second thought, that would be unfair to the innocent inhabitants of the South East Asian jungle isle. Better that Clemens just be sent directly to hell.

Am I being a little harsh? Perhaps. Maybe Clemens should have thought about this before attempting murder himself by winging a broken bat at Piazza in the 2000 World Series. This kind of behavior doesn't help his cause out either (NSFW).

Ugh, I feel sick just having thought about that miserable waste of sperm and egg. Let us refocus on the beating we administered the Atlanta Bravos by winning the latest series and celebrate the triumph by rocking out to some motherfucking Clutch.

Holy shit that was awesome. Lets do another one.

Fuck yeah, baby.

Anon Mets 'pen: thou doth clutch a towering equine pizzle and sucketh it, verily

2008-04-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

And what I mean by that is the Mets' bullpen sucks huge horse cock.

What the fuck man, I know it's early but if I have no patience for this bullshit. If anyone was to blame for the collapse last year, it was the bullpen, and we're not even out of April yet before these bozos decide it's time to break out the straws and start the suckfest. An all day, all night sucking suck party that will suck your shit straight to hell (whatever that means).

numbers:
Heilman: IP 12.2 - ERA 4.97 - WHIP 1.42 - grade: FAIL
Sosa: IP 13.2 - ERA 7.24 - WHIP 1.68 - grade: EPIC FAIL

Here's my impressions of Sosa and Heilman having a little pow wow on the mound in the middle of a game:

Sosa: Hey Aaron, how's it going?
Heilman: Pretty good, Jorge, pretty good.
Sosa: So, what are you up to?
Heilman: Oh just taking a piss.
Sosa: Yeah me too, I'm just taking a big long steamy piss all over the field.
Heilman: Hey, you ever think about, I dunno, like, actually pitching, or something like that?
Sosa: No, I'm pretty much just going to take a piss.
Heilman: Hah, yeah me too, just pissin'. I was joking before. Nothing but piss from me.
Sosa: Yeah, piss it up.
Heilman: I love taking a piss on game day.
Sosa: Piss that game away.
Heilman: Piss, piss, piss.
Sosa: Love to take a piss.
Heilman: Hey, Jorge.
Sosa: Yes, Aaron?
Heilman: I guess that makes us, piss pals!

Fucking assholes. Get your shit together.

I was going to save this video for when Alou returned (because if you didn't already know, Alou like to PISS on his HANDS!!!) but I love piss jokes more than life and can't wait that long.

My favorite part is when you think the piss is over but then he farts and ITS NOT OVER!!!!

Non baseball crap! Entourage - Episode 4: Prank Dat Soulja Bro!

2008-04-22T01:42:00.000-07:00

*** Ed. note - FYI - this post is very long - if you don't have the time or inclination to read the whole thing, there is a short, short condensed version in the comments. or you could ignore the whole post and do something productive with your life. The choice is yours.

The episode starts with Ari closing the door to his Mercedes S600 with his iPhone at his ear.

A: I don't want to hear any excuses Lloyd, I've told you a hundred times already, you need to run interference with Mrs. Gold on this one for me.

L: But Ari, I really think your wife is getting suspicious. She knows you weren't taking Muay Thai lessons yesterday.

A: Hey, Lloyd - who is getting you tickets to see Justin Timberlake that are so close to the stage you'll be able to catch the sweat dripping off his taint?

L: I know Ari but -

A: No buts Lloyd - just keep my wife off my back or you'll be crying me a river after I fire your ass!

Ari hangs up the phone, looks around and then dashes into a store front. We then see that Mrs. Gold watching in a car with a girlfriend.

Mrs G: That son of a bitch!

Mrs Gold gets out and slams the door as her girlfriend shouts words of encouragement to her. She gets to the storefront and peers around the corner into the window. She sees Ari smiling and chatting it up with a really hot saleswoman who then points to her neck, which leads directly to a very exposed and ample display of cleavages. Ari then nods and they both walk behind a curtain to the back of the store together.

Mrs G watching: Mother-

Mrs G swings open the door, storms in and yells: Ari, you piece of shit!

There are a few seconds of silence and then Ari yells from behind the curtain: Fuck!

Mrs G looks stunned as Ari walks out looking annoyed and the cleavaged woman walks out looking sorry. A: Lloyd owes you a pair of JustinTimberlake tickets.

Mrs G: Ari - what? how could? What the fuck is going on you motherfucker?

A: Baby, I can understand and appreciate every thought that's running through your head right now, and I'm sorry you had to think them, but this is a complete misunderstanding and you're going to laugh about this later.

Mrs G: Laugh about what? You and this whore?

Cleavage woman frowns and looks at Ari. Ari gives her a 'hold-on-dont-worry-about-it' look.

A: No baby, about that fact that you thought I was cheating on you when I was just sneaking around this JEWELERY STORE so I could surprise you with this incredibly fabulous and VERY EXPENSIVE 15th year anniversary gift.

Ari then pulls out a box with a really expensive blinged out necklace.

Mrs G: Oh my god Ari that is incredible! Oh - I'm sorry I was so jealous.

A: Please, baby, if I was going to cheat on you I would have done it with your best friend Karrie who was begging to give me a tug job after you passed out during our vacation in Aruba.

Mrs G: Oh Ari... You're like that untamable bad ass that says and does totally rude things that make women go crazy for you, but then deep down you are sensitive and don't follow through and actually hurt the people who fall in love with you, like you would expect someone to do with your attitude.

A: I know. I'm like this totally unbelievable fictional man that doesn't exist anywhere.

Mrs G: I'm so lucky you got me pregnant.

A: Speaking of which, I need to get back to the office so I can keep working. Then tonight I'm going to come home and you can give me my present, and you know what I want.

Mrs G: Of course, Ari, you lovable rascal, you gave me expensive jewelery so now you can fuck my mouth!

The scene cuts to Vince's awesome apartment where Turtle and Drama are playing Nintendo Wii.

T: Fuck your mouth Diddy Kong! Suck it Drama - I just fucked your mouth!

D: Fuck you Turtle, this is bullshit.

T: All day Drama, I've been fucking your mouth all day.

D: You know Turtle, there's a difference between being good at a video game, and being a good sport, and you sir, are a miserable cunt of a sport.

T: Yeah well your mouth is my cunt tonight! Suck another one be-otch! Beeyoooooo!!!

Drama throws his Wiimote on the floor: Screw you asshole!

T: Oh don't be such a cry baby Drama, I'll let you win next time.

D: Oh I'll get you next time Turtle, but it won't be in another round of Mario Cart. No I'm going to get you back when you're not expecting it. And it'll hurt. And then you'll know what it's like to suffer this kind of abuse.

T: Yeah, well then you better think of something good, because it's got to feel pretty terrible to have a guy fuck your mouth for as long as I've been.

Eric and Vince walk in. E: Are you two lovers having another fight?

D: Up yours, E.

E: Hold on, Vince's publicist, whatshername, is calling.

T: Ooh, let me take this call.

Eric hands the phone to Turtle. T: Hey sweetheart, you going out with me tonight?

Publicist: Turtle I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on Earth, you dicklicking dickless limpdick. Put Vince on the phone, now, before I castrate you and then ass rape your mother with your own dick, you no dick having ass fuck.

T: Ooh I love it when you talk like that to me. Here Vince, you better take this, I think she's PMSing pretty hard right now.

V: Hey feisty publicist lady, how is everything about my life that you take care of?

P: Perfect Vince, I'm taking care of everything and all of your publicity is going great. Everyone in Hollywood loves you and you are very rich.

V: Hey great, Thanks for calling.

P: No problem, Vince, talk to you later.

E: So, what are you two doing tonight?

T: I gotta go take Arnold to the vet.

V: Anything wrong?

T: No Arnold is healthy as a horse, just his regular check up.

E: What about you Drama?

D: I'm going stay in and practice. I can't take losing to this disrespectful jerk anymore.

V: Alright, well me and Vince are going to go out to the clubs, see you guys later.

Later, at the club, Vince and Eric and mingling with super hot babes while the newest rap hits are booming over the clubs speakers.

E: So Vince, who are you going to be taking home tonight?

V: I guess anyone that I want.

E: Yeah, I guess you will. Really, any woman here in the club, and probably half the guys, would fuck you right now.

V: I know.

V: So what about you Eric?

E: Well I'll probably meet some hot yet down to earth girl who I can just be honest with. We probably won't have sex tonight but we'll go out a few more times and hopefully develop a meaningful relationship.

V: Yeah you've done that many times before, haven't you?

E: Yes, that's all I ever do. Kind of like how you just go from one meaningless sex partner to another.

V: Yeah, we are pretty predictable that way, aren't we? But you know what, as long as it's always with hot babes, whose complaining?

E: Not me bro!

V: Me neither!

Eric and Vince toast.

The scene cuts back to the house and Turtle is bringing Arnold back from the vet.

T: Yeah Arnold that's a good boy. Now I know your hungry so lets get you something to eat!

D: Hey, uh, Turtle, before you take care of Arnold how about we smoke some bud first?

T: This will only take a second, Drama.

D: Well how about you go get your stash for me, now, and then I'll pack the bong for both of us while you go get Arnold his food.

T: Fine Drama, damn you are pushy sometimes.

Turtle goes into the other room as Drama smirks. Then you hear commotion and dog barking from the other room as Drama sits back on the couch while holding the Wiimote and laughing.

T: Drama god damn it, you put bacon strips in my bag of weed and Arnold came in and ate the whole thing!

D: Karmic payback, motherfucker.

T: Yeah well now neither of have any weed and my connect is on vacation until next week.

D: That's OK, I smoked up before you got home so I'll be good until then.

T: Drama, that is low, you know I am going to get you back for this.

D: Now who's being a baby? Look, just whatever you do, remember that I have to shoot my show tomorrow and you can't do anything that will mess up my job.

T: Oh we'll see about that Drama, we'll see.

We then cut to Eric waking up in some bed with a hot babe.

E: Oh my god, I can't believe we did it last night. I mean, no offense, it was amazing, and so are you, but I must have been drunk. Normally I don't do that the first night I meet someone.

Girl: Hey me neither. Like never! But it was great for me too, and I think you're great too.

E: Hey cool - so we both had a little slutty one night stand but because we were so honest to each other in the morning we can still have a serious relationship.

G: What a crazy unpredictable twist!

E: Truly amazing. Hey I wonder how Vince is doing.

Scene cuts to Vince waking up in bed with the hottest babe ever.

V: I can't believe we didn't sleep together last night. For some reason it just didn't feel right.

Babe: That must be so unusual for you.

V: It really is. This has been such a crazy and unpredictable night for me.

B: Well, we can still have a whole bunch of dirty sex now if you want.

V: Yeah, I would like that, that would be just fine.

The scene cuts to the set where Drama works. He is going over lines when Ari runs into him.

D: Ari, what are you doing here? I didn't think I was an important enough client to you to see by myself.

A: What can I say Johnny, I'm feeling in a really good mood today and I want to spread the love. You see it was my anniversary last night and my wife let me fuck her mouth.

T: Hey what a coincidence, last night I fucked Dramas' mou-

A: Shut the fuck up Turtle, you're interrupting an important business meeting.

T: Uh, you mean I'm interrupting Ari bullshit you while he waits for Vince to show up?

D: Wait, Vince is coming?

T: Yeah Vince is coming. So is E. I called everybody. We're all here to support you in your show, Drama.

Vince and Eric walk up.

E: So Turtle, whats so important that you wanted us all here?

A: Yeah Turtle, I could have stayed home and fucked my wife's mouth again.

T: Hey, can't a bro invite his other bros to come out and support his main bro?

D: Look, I'm glad you're all here, but if you'll excuse me I have to go get ready for my scene.

Drama walks off and Eric runs after him.

E: Drama, wait up. Hey, you have to know Turtle is pulling some kind of prank, right? That's the only reason he would have called us all here.

D: Got that covered bro. See, Turtle's flaw was trying to get Frank in wardrobe to betray me. Frank's a huge Viking Quest fan and he tipped me off that Turtle paid him 50 bucks to write the word FAG on the back of my shirt. I told the whole crew and they're cool so now I just want to get this over with. Especially since all the executive producers are going to be on set for a visit today.

E: Ok, well good luck. I wouldn't underestimate Turtle when it comes to pranks, though.

D: Don't worry E, I'm on to Turtle's scheme this time.

Eric walks back to the gang and Drama goes and does his scene. After a line or two of dialogue he takes his jacket off to reveal a shirt that says FAG in big letters. The whole crew laughs including some old dudes in suits that look like executive producers and the director.

Drama fakes shock and outrage. D: Oh my gosh, who could have snuck in to my wardrobe and written this slanderous insult on my shirt? Goodness this is a terrible prank that just been pulled on me.

Most of the crew then stop laughing but Turtle, Eric, Vince, Ari, the director and the producers all continue to laugh hysterically. They are also no not looking at Drama but at a TV screen in front of the director.

D: Hey Turtle, your little joke wasn't that funny, bro.

Eric in between laughs: I don't know Drama, this is pretty fucking hilarious.

D: What the fuck are you talking about? I told you about the prank before.

E: Yeah, well, um, Drama? You better come take a look at this.

Drama walks over and see everyone looking at a screen of footage from a hand held camcorder that shows Drama hunched over in his dressing room jerking off to an issue of Variety. You can hear through the video that Drama is reading a positive review of one of his shows repeating a line that mentions his name over and over again. All of Drama's friends and co-workers are watching and laughing at him.

T: Ha HA, Drama! I filmed that two months ago and was saving it for just the right time. Now I fucking got you with the ultimate prank! Suck one, faggot!

A: Holy shit, Drama, Turtle is fucking your mouth more than even I fucked my wife's mouth!

E: Hey don't feel that bad, Drama. I mean, it was an awesome prank.

V: Look bro, sometimes you just gotta take a joke. I mean, whats the worst that could happen? I'll always be your brother, and I'll always be obscenely rich.

D: Yeah, good point bro. I guess this is kind of funny.

Executive Producer 1: Well Drama, you certainly know how to role with the punches.

Executive Producer 2: Yes, you're displaying quite a bit of character right now. I like an actor with character.

EP1: Me too. And you know, we're looking for an actor with character to play the leading role in our new show, Law and Order: Los Angeles K-9 Unit. Do you think Drama is our man?

EP2: Absolutely I do. Well what do you say Drama?

D: Yes, I mean yeah I would love that.

A: Hey Drama, now that you're going to be a real actor, I'll take you on as a real client and even treat you with a little respect.

T: And I just found more weed in my pocket that I forgot about!

V: Hey everybody, lets go out tonight and celebrate!

E: Lets do it guys. We deserve it. We really do.

The End.

I'll take it

2008-04-21T09:07:00.000-07:00

Almost the sweep. But we've seen that in April before and it caused a bit of premature celebration that its just as well we don't repeat this year. We've won 7 of the last 10 and need to focus on tonights prime time match up of John 'Rock you like a Hurri-' Maine v Carlos 'No the good' Zambrano. To get pumped, lets listen to Isreal's Son by Silverchair.

Did you know Silverchair is still around and touring? I didn't. But this video is from a live concert in 2006, so I guess theres still some Silverchair-heads out there. As there should be. Frogstomp was gnarly.

Obviously the person who is 'late for their execution' is Carlos Zambrano, who the Mets shall crucify tonight.

Totally random bonus feature:

If anyone is in for a good laugh, listen to Hilary's Duff's exhilarating dance track Beat of My Heart, only change the lyrics every time she says 'the beat of my heart' to the 'the smell of my farts,' but leave all the other lyrics the same. It is hiLARious. trust me.

Oh how you will laugh.

FYF: um, i'm not really that pissed off right now!

2008-04-18T07:57:00.001-07:00

I don't really have an FYF for today. A series sweep, even to the lowly Nats, will do that to a mood. Altho maybe I'll give a fuck you to the stupid school of Chaminade in Long Island, alma mater to yesterday's opposing starting moundsman (all time favorite term for a pitcher) John Lannan, as well as our very own Monstupolous Milo (aka Shea Stadium). Oh and Bill O'Reilly.

Chamanade is a dumb ass private school full of dorky FLIDS that was built on a former airport runway so they call themselves the Flyers. L A M E. They are also St. Anthony's bitch and the 12th best football player on their 1999 football team couldn't even play 4 years for a crappy DIII college team. Check it out, these guys are from Long Island too:

Right, anyway, now that I've got that hatred warmed up, let's look at a couple other things that are pissing me off.

1) Omar fucked it up with Ruben Gotay. Instead of keeping him on the roster, Omar decided to expose Gotay, a good, young, cheap athlete, to waivers, where he was quickly snatched up by the butt head Bravos. This in and of itself is not so egregious until you look at the turd Omar decided was indisposable. Brady Clark, an old piece of crap that was never very good. This guy sucks. Why keep him, Omar? Because you need another outfielder and Ruben is an infielder? Like Gotay couldn't play the outfield as good as Clark. You fucked it up Omar, and now you're going to pay. Grrrrr....

2) Omar also fucked it up by signing Luis Castillo to a 4 year deal. I'm not really trying to hate on Castillo, but this contract is asking for truble. Castillo is on the wrong side of 30 and his game relies solely on his speed. He is a little gimpy and will only get gimpier as the plays further into his contract. Once Castillo's legs die for good, he will be worthless as a ball player. Also he's currently last on the team in WPA (ie, so far in this short season he has been the least clutch player on the team). That's TWO strikes Omar. You now have TWO strikes, and NO BALLS.

3) Pedro Martinez is a dick and his injury is a bunch of bullshit. I can understand when his rotator cuff tore. He's a pitcher, its an occupational hazard and it sucks, but he got the injury doing his job. But a hamstring injury? Didn't you have gym class in the Domincan? Well ok, maybe not, but I had it in New Jersey, and the first fucking thing you learn is that proper stretching prevents injuries. Stretch your fucking hammies out next time, asshole! And stop telling the Spanish press that you're going to be back earlier than what the team doctors think. Eventually that shit gets translated and circulated through the English speaking world, dummy! You are just talking out your ass and probably won't ever pitch for the Mets again. You're making 14 million dollars this year! And you're making me so mad!!!!

Wait, what am I getting so worked up about? God's chosen vessel is here in America. His presence is a soothing balm that softens the inner rankles of my soul. I thank you, your eminence, for gracing us with your righteous glory.

Robocop is love.

Apparently Paul Lo Duca does not read GMDB

2008-04-15T14:27:00.000-07:00

Quoth Pudicus Maximus: "The fans in New York were awesome to me. I have nothing bad to say about them at all. They stuck behind me."

I guess we can add delusional to Big Pud's litany of transgressions and personal defects.